成人快手

Happy new year to all fellow bloggers, and to the women as well. Hope you had a good time over the festivities. I had a lovely holiday. I got some cosy new bothy boots, a value box of fly-papers and some squirty stuff called CK1. This CK stuff isn鈥檛 a patch on the WD40. I've often wondered what happened to WD1-39, but it was well worth the manufacturer's work on early prototypes and those CK people could learn a lot. The CK鈥檚 made the door hinges smell funny but hasn鈥檛 stopped them squeaking. I also got a tin of Ajax exfoliating talc. This was much more successful, leaving me feeling clean and tingling.


Seeing that it鈥檚 a new year I鈥檝e resolved to begin an intensive beauty regime to prepare for the fank and for my Naming and Daming ceremony. I鈥檓 aiming for inner health as well as a new look. Murdo John Smith in Cross has some very fit and sassily groomed sheep so I鈥檒l see what we can do with his drench gun and hand shears for starters.


I鈥檝e heard some fancy talk about Spar treatments and would like to give them a go but I don鈥檛 think that convenience shops in Ness do anything like that. Maybe the Swainbost Stores could start wrapping the customers in carrageen? I鈥檒l try putting some stones from the mouth of the Dell River in the Raeburn to heat 鈥� but I鈥檓 not sure what to do with them after that. Any advice anyone?

We thought that the most exciting news in Ness today was about the Post Office Raid, as new supplies of Ant & Cockroach Killer arrived to supplement the Fly & Wasp Killer, but then we heard that Reuters newswire was running the following report:


"Naked North Dell resident Chrissie Mary Murray was found skateboarding across Eoropie machair today using 2 novelty cromacks as ski poles shouting 鈥楥ailleachs for the High Echelons鈥� and, 鈥楽hellfish Collecting for Skincare鈥�. Miss Murray鈥檚 blushes were spared as she gathered speed, windblown sand and seaweed (but no moss). She became calmer when an ambulance arrived to take her to hospital and paramedics presented her with a special hat. Seemingly she has Dating Extravaganza Anticipatory Reaction Syndrome. This usually affects more mature women."


This raises a number of issues: What steps are Calum and Donald taking to deal with outbreaks of old DEARS? What sort of risk analysis should be done for the bicenturions? What sort of medical facilities should the Fank have? Can anyone advise on counselling services? And finally鈥o bloggers want to order any fashion supplies from the hospital boutique while Chrissie Mary鈥檚 there? (Did Sunny & I have everything covered 鈥� except the backsides of anyone choosing to wear an NHS gown?)


I know that your thoughts will be with Chrissie Mary at this time. I'm pleased to report that she is recovering well and fancies a guga and neep wrap with Irn Bru.

I鈥檝e been away for a few days suffering from a foot injury and hypothermia. Unfortunately my public protest on behalf of Women in High Echelons was not a success. It turned out to be a one-woman protest.


I am grateful to Roddy John Macleod for cutting me free (eventually) and it鈥檒l be a long time before I chain myself to the South Dell cattle grid again. I鈥檇 be grateful if anyone in Tolsta finds my placard. It blew away over the Dell moor. It was the day the electric went off after the big gale.


Perhaps I鈥檒l stick to fank-related preparations until after the Big Event - when Calum and Donald finally confirm when Day 1 is.

I've tried to answer the questions on Sunny's form. Is this that psychopathic testing I've been hearing about?


Hope there's a serviceable boddach out there who liked what he reads, and who isn't Claude Greengrass of No Fixed Abode.


User Name: Annie Beag


Witty One Liner: Wherever I hang my @, that鈥檚 my home page. (It said it was a witty one-liner when I copied it.)


[Upload photo here]




Here鈥檚 a lovely snap of me by the South Dell sign. Oops. The cyclist was taking an experimental shot and seems to have mis-timed it.


Island: Lewis


Age: Working towards marri...


Star Sign: I once got Kenneth McKellar鈥檚 autograph in Oban.


Height: Smaller than an average peat stack


Body Type: 鈥極ne at a time please鈥� on Speak Your Weight scales


Looks: Generally cheery demeanour. I only glower when bisoms upset me.


Drinking Habits: Cremola Foam, Irn Bru, Sun Ray Tips Tea, Strubag's Coffee and Famous Guga.


Smoking Habits: Throw another peat on


Marital Status: Fank-ready


Have Children: I have been a child


Want Children: Boddachs only need apply


Looking for: Service Level Agreement covering general croft work, home maintenance, transport, etc.


More about you: (Forget whatever you were going to write and tell the truth)

Independently-minded woman with demonstrable track record of working in echelons of varying heights and proven skills in gourmet cookery. Currently gaining skills in Photoshop, gender studies and libel law through the medium of islandblogging.


Your Ideal Match: (Try to think of something other than, "Got a pulse.")
Swan Vesta


Dowry Demands: Croft, tractor, ready supply of WD-40 and Duct Tape.


Dowry Offer: Shared access to novelty cromack collection


Important! This field MUST be filled in: Would you describe yourself as any of the following:
- Mad
- Wacky
- Zany
- Bunny Boiler
- Comb Over
- Collector of fluffy toys
- People have to take me as they find me!
- All of the above

Bunny Boiler is closest as it reflects my cooking interests, but most of the rabbits on the machair have disappeared mysteriously. (Probably at IT courses to catch up with the sheep in the Northern Isles)


If you fancy your chances leave a message below: (or contact me at the Fank)

Chrissie Mary and I are ready to consult on arrangements for the Fank House formerly known as Big Brother. We suggest calling it the 鈥楩ank Family 成人快手鈥�. Size, gender and echelon issues aside, this should stop Big Brother鈥檚 production company 鈥楨nd 鈥榚m all鈥� from thinking we鈥檙e copying their format. (Hope Calum hasn鈥檛 passed this job on to us because Donald found out about possible legal shennanigins. Obviously we鈥檒l be getting advice on this from Mr McSuing once he鈥檚 sorted out his discount on bulk orders of postcards featuring Port of Ness beach.)

Don鈥檛 think we鈥檒l need many cameras to see what鈥檚 going on in the 成人快手. We鈥檒l use all the binoculars kept on Niseachs鈥� window ledges to 鈥榣ook out for sheep in trouble鈥�. This surveillance will be backed up by the local ICCN (Inter-Cailleach Communication Network). The binoculars-and-ICCN system is tried and tested over many years. No sheep ASBOs have been issued in Ness to date and I don鈥檛 think we have a problem with canine substance abuse - no Collies for Cocaine groups or any of that sort of thing as far as I know. (Puffinbillyunst鈥檚 recent blog shockingly refers to a school visit by Dogs Against Drugs. I didn't realise this was such an issue for debate and campaigning amongst our four-legged friends. Tch. See what happens when you start giving animals access to multimedia.)

The biggest challenge is choosing the 12 FF 成人快手mates. Chrissie Mary & I have come up with this list as a starting point. Some of the women might be a bit iffy but seemingly you need a bit of a Bisom Factor in reality TV.

1.Miss Hoolie from Balamory - to 鈥榬each a younger demographic鈥�.

2.Charles Kennedy 鈥� Hebridean seafaring connections - SS Politician, etc.

3.Lulu 鈥� get some proper food into the lassie and restore her alarmingly low cholesterol levels. Definitely needs a plate of guga and a Paris bun or two.

4.Donald Trump 鈥� what with his mother being born at Tong he might be interested in the Fank and bring some cash with him. Is he married just now? Should we get the kettle on for another long-lost American cousin?

5.Grannie from the Katie Morag books - would bring common sense and looks as if she knows her way round a bag of Lofty Peak (Flour of Scotland).

6.Sean Connery - 鈥淐remola. Shaken not stirred.鈥�

7.Heather the Weather - fair鈥檚 fair, she donating her Corn Cream. (Hope that arrangement is still on now that Mike鈥檚 gone.)

8.Jackie Reid from Taggart 鈥� seems a wee bit miserable and could do with a break. Glasgow seems an awfy dangerous place according to the TV. Almost as bad as Midsomer and Oxford. Wouldn鈥檛 stay in any of those places if you paid me.

9.Billy Connelly - practical experience of longboat making (once a very long time ago).

10.Meatloaf - not Scottish, but at the Fank anyway to judge the 鈥楬at out of Dell鈥� competition.

11.Lexie from Monarch of the Glen - just the sort of confused lassie that BB would be choosing as one of their Housemates. The girl is clearly delusional and on the verge of a breakdown. One minute she鈥檚 living in the Big House in Glenbogle and chasing the Laird then, without any explanation, she鈥檚 calling herself Justine and 鈥榳orking鈥� in the makey-up Department of Weird Stuff at Clyde University and traipsing around Glasgow large as life and twice as daft. (Glasgow again! Makes you think.)

12.Jeremy Godwin. Obviously.

What do you think? Any comments, background information, contacts or better suggestions? Who should be off the list and who should replace them?