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Chrissie Mary and I are concerned to learn that broody wading birds called red-necked phalaropes are to be introduced to the Uists. Broody birds are the last thing that decent folks want around the place and we're worried that this could lead to all sorts of shenanigans, just as we’re all trying to put the whole terrible Wife Swap fiasco behind us. (Tch. Trading bisoms on TV like that. What's the world coming to?)

We’d like to know why these phalarope birds are called red-necked.

Do they have a chafing problem like I imagine collared doves might get? Do they have sore throats or any ailments that could lead to something more serious? Most importantly, will they infect our beloved guga population just as we’re trying so hard to protect our feathered friends from the ‘flu? (The Strepsils, Beechams, Lemsip Max and Fishermen's Friends must be doing the trick as we've got no reports of gannet coughs or sneezes on Sula Sgeir as yet.)

Are they called red-necked because of their looks or because they are disadvantaged, country-music-loving birds from the southern United States - possibly wanting to visit the Western Isles to research their family trees? Did young Murdo McPhalarope leave the Hebrides in the early years of the last century to seek his fortune in Texas only to find meagre solace in the bottom of a glass and in the words and music of J D Williams’ brother Hank?

We should be told.

Finally, they sound a bit scrawny but does anyone know what phalaropes taste like with a few new potatoes? Can we look forward to Sweeny Codd's chippy in Habost introducing 'Phalarope Suppers'?

Someone's sent me this snap of a 'red-necked wading bird'.



Chrissie Mary thinks she might be one of those Bisom poets or dancers. Well she's obviously a fallen woman and probably no better than she ought to be. I hadn't imagined phalaropes to be like this.

We might have to re-think some of the recipes.

And I certainly think that the Uists want to be very careful indeed before they introduce these into the wild.

Exciting news from Sula Sgeir (which is still a flu-free zone). A black-browed albatross has moved in with the guga. He’s a very big boy with a 7-foot wing span so if he flaps about a bit he could create more energy than the wind farm they’re planning on Lewis.

Black brows seem much more distinguished than those phalaropes’ red necks don’t you think? Albert Ross seems to be an altogether classier creature.

Seemingly he’s one of an endangered species so we won’t be having any albatross suppers.

(I’m afraid I don’t know whether albatrosses have wishbones.)