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Chrissie Mary and I are concerned to learn that broody wading birds called red-necked phalaropes are to be introduced to the Uists. Broody birds are the last thing that decent folks want around the place and we're worried that this could lead to all sorts of shenanigans, just as we’re all trying to put the whole terrible Wife Swap fiasco behind us. (Tch. Trading bisoms on TV like that. What's the world coming to?)

We’d like to know why these phalarope birds are called red-necked.

Do they have a chafing problem like I imagine collared doves might get? Do they have sore throats or any ailments that could lead to something more serious? Most importantly, will they infect our beloved guga population just as we’re trying so hard to protect our feathered friends from the ‘flu? (The Strepsils, Beechams, Lemsip Max and Fishermen's Friends must be doing the trick as we've got no reports of gannet coughs or sneezes on Sula Sgeir as yet.)

Are they called red-necked because of their looks or because they are disadvantaged, country-music-loving birds from the southern United States - possibly wanting to visit the Western Isles to research their family trees? Did young Murdo McPhalarope leave the Hebrides in the early years of the last century to seek his fortune in Texas only to find meagre solace in the bottom of a glass and in the words and music of J D Williams’ brother Hank?

We should be told.

Finally, they sound a bit scrawny but does anyone know what phalaropes taste like with a few new potatoes? Can we look forward to Sweeny Codd's chippy in Habost introducing 'Phalarope Suppers'?