成人快手

Thanks to those bewildered souls who have contributed to the 'Is there life on Harris' thread that began in December. Some of the entries have been hilarious.
There are some sick people out there. Here's to another hundred. What the site shows is that there is an eccentric form of life on Harris...

Donald and I are busy making 44 gallon drums of jelly using some drums we bought cheap from Esso in Stornoway. We are having great fun putting hundreds and thousands on the top of each barrel. Donald is making up two hundred thousand party bags (no bubble gum) ready for the influx to the fank.
The Fank site smells of wet paint and we are starting to put down duck boards in the main arena. The folk on the Ness bus must see a huge difference when they pass. We wonder what we might do with the site afterwards.

The feeling of excitement is coursing through everyone and we cannot wait for the contingent from Arran landing at the mouth of the Galson River. We will have a tug standing by in case the current is too strong offshore. We think of everything.

I am surprised that there has been no mention on the Island Blogging site about the hedgehog cull on South Uist. Is it a prickly subject?
Being from the 'If it moves maybe we should eat it' brigade, Donald and I are exploring the possibilities of serving this free range meat for the Fank. I understand the peg sellers of the world like nothing better than a slice of Miss Tiggy Winkle between two slices of plain loaf and that they cook it by encasing it in mud so that it is like cooking it in a tandoor. We think a hedgehog, guga and puffin barbecue might be an idea for the second evening when the Americans and Canadians arrive. We are going to tell them we eat this sort of stuff all the time whereas Donald and myself will be dining on Cumberland sausage. The Godwin is bringing us a suitcase of it from Wabberthwaite.
We are relying on Back of Beyond to pitch in with some additional recipes and maybe add a little bit of hedgehog to her mushroom quiche and put a dollop in a vol au vent case or two.
Given that we aren't going to eat all the hedgehogs and we are having this huge wind farm debate, I think it would make sense to import all Uist's hedgehogs to Lewis. Start a secure holding station on the Barvas Moors - ESF Funding available - use the fattest hedgehogs for food and put the more athletic ones in a network of thousands of hamster wheels linked to the National Grid. No turbines needed - problem solved!
Maybe Brian May could open this new enterprise?

Sunny
We've found you some fanktastic accommodation at the Old 成人快手 for Fallen Women in Habost which is now a Hall of Residence for Port of Ness College of Performing Arts and Seabird Cuisine. You'll will each have a single room with sea view and we are unnailing the windows so you can entertain guests out of hours. The Hall is run by a rather stern Matron Annie Mhor ( no relation to Annie B ) who, like yourself, runs a tight ship. There is a regular tractor service to the Fank and Donald John's Quadbike Taxis if you are feeling flush.
We are drawing lots for the first lot of matchmaking tonight - Sir Bobby Robson has brought some of the FA cup bags and balls which he seems to have stolen from Lancaster Gate and he and the ginger Kennedy fellow are sorting that out. Old Robbo hasn't been sober since he landed on Lewis. He and Kevin Costner are getting on fine though Kevin seems to fancy Denise Robertson - oops let the cat out of the bag there. Kevin's at the New Wine Church in Stornoway tonight - kid you not we have a New Wine church with a website. Bring your knitting Sunny - Annie Mhor loves a session with the needles. She is knitting a garage for a quad bike as we speak. Looking forward to meeting you all and maybe marrying one of you.
Calumarital

Donald and I have been surveying the Fank. The perimeter wire fencing is very imposing, the sheep have been moved out of the BB Bochan and the smell of wet paint fills the air. We have Donald's little nieces karaoke machine wired into the main PA and we had a try at a Walker Brothers number to see if everything's working. I think the Walkers make better crisps than they write songs but that's just a personal thing - do you agree Annie B?
'No one will lose that loving feeling' is our promise as Fank organisers.
Nearly everyone has new bedding from the catalogue hanging out on the line in Fankticipation and there will be spare places galore in most households for daters from afar.
27 Aird Dell even has a sign in the window saying 'Vacancies American spoken here'.
Arnish Lighthouse has agreed to be our greeter without portfolio for the event and he is starting to look out for the Arran girls and Trevor in his wheelie bin from Wednesday, PS Trevor - please bring a quiche for us to inspect.
Locally we have the figures in for local attendees. Adabrock has 75 men coming (76 if Donnie the post's mother lifts his grounding ) and sixteeen women plus Chrissie Mary. Fivepenny has 112 men and 112 woman booked - it looks like every couple there is looking for a change. We have 10026 locals altogether attending including our 'brave boys in blue with the red piping' with their fly past in the post office vans. This is even before the other islands and the Americas weigh in - four flights an hour into Callanish International next Sat pm and aggage handlers recruited from the West Side. In fact we are proud to announce that for every official council tax payer attending there will be one other Loiseach there. I think the census people have got their population figures wrong.
I said to Donald that there is a palpable air of excitement in Ness. He said if he knew what 'palpable' meant, he'd probably agree. Off to shave Granny before the Sabbath. More later.
Calum

The main shipping lanes where the Pentland Firth and the Atlantic meet appear to be occupied by a lone sailor in a green wheelie bin. The lamp on his helmet was spotted by several container ships during the night and his singing kept the crews awake. Interrogation via loud hailer confirmed this man is called Trevor and he has been sent packing to the dating festival by his wife on the instructions of a solicitor friend of hers from Bristol. Further satellite photos taken at first light show the wheelie bin at the foot of cliffs on the island of Sulisgeir and the lone sailor appears to be roasting some kind of bird over a crudely made spit. He seems to have plenty of wood with him. Shipping is asked to give him a wide berth as he may have scurvy. Two purple fibreglass paedophiles have been despatched from Port of Ness beach to bring him safely to land. Donald John and Roddie Campbell are pedalling them for all they are worth.
Further bulletins to follow
HM Coastguards
Butt and Ben of Lewis

Satellite tracking has picked up two longboats which have left Arran and seem to be on course to the Shiant Islands. They are apparently powered by ten oarspeople assisted by huge woollen knitted sails in a wide range of colours. Ferries and other shipping are warned of the danger of getting their propellors fouled with the wool which is of a sturdy construction.
Similarly shipping is asked to look out for a 44gallon barrel last seen entering the sea at the mouth of the Auchenshuggle Canal. The barrel is carring one passenger and a cargo of pasties.
Torrow night's sailing of the Muineag is a record breaker. There are 2400 women booked on board for the Ullapool Stornoway crossing and the crew have asked for danger money and Arnish Lighthouse has boarded his house up.
More bulletins to follow.
Butt of Lewis Coastguard.

Early arrivals in Stornoway tomorrow will find some supermarket shelves bare as locals have shopped in anticipation of the Fank which begins tomorrow and ends Tuesday. Somerfields and Boots are completely out of Lynx Deoderant and Woolworth's have had an unprecented run on Ladyshaves and Immac although it is believed that one old man from Habost mistook the Immac for cream cheese, spread some on a cracker and is looking for his moustache of fifty years.
The Stag Bakery has had extra shifts producing vol au vent cases and the 'I cant believe it's not Guga factory' has been working full pelt for some weeks now. The guga wraps could be the highlight of the event - a new export in prospect.
Donald and I are humbled at the support you ahve given us and hope you all end up with the person of your dreams. Remember 'faint heart never got anywhere'.
GO FOR IT PEOPLE YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE.

Hot on the heels of the announcement that Donald Trump is to build a championship golf course and hotel in Aberdeenshire comes another shot in the arm for the North of Scotland. The Horse Racing Levy Board and the Tote have backed the plans of local businessman Calum Piggott and his cousin Donald McCririck to build a horse racing track to stage both National Hunt and Flat meetings on Lewis. It will be an all weather track probably on a ten furlong circuit and will utilise the Dell fank site which has excellent chemical toilets and a perimeter fence recently erected. All the local churches have given their blessing to the proposal on the basis that anything that keeps the punters out of the bars in Stornoway has to be a good thing. It is envisaged that the track will open sometime in 2007 and will be called Sandwick Park. Catering rights have already been awarded to the local 'I can't believe it's not Guga' of Habost and MD Angus Grebe told local reporters how proud he was to get the contract hard on the heels of the Dell Fank Dating Extravanza. The only note of dissent came from a Jeremy Godwin who has handcuffed himself to the ferry railings in Stornoway as a protest about the encoachment on the coomon grazings of South Dell. 'The habitat of the screwtop warbler will suffer untold damage,' he told the reporter from the 'Avian Times'. Several thousand Lewis citiznes have signed a counter petition drawn up by Donald McCririck saying 'Bollocks we want flat racing and we want it now.'