Am I the sort of woman you're looking for...?
Posted: Thursday, 15 December 2005 |
Comments
There is a considerable number of single, attractive lassies on the Isle of Arran who are utterley dissafected by the local chiels. We were wondering if you would accept entries from other Islands? However we would like to know if the pickings will be any better at the Fank before we go to the bother of making representations. Here are our criteria for eligable men: 1. Able to turn up for a date soberish 2. Sight/smell of him doesn't cause nausea 3. Will phone/text when staying in pub with mates instead of turning up for date rather than turning phone off. 4. Got all his own teeth... ok that's getting a bit unrealistic... the teeth he has left are his own? 5. Actually has a spine. If you can come up with some chiels that can meet any one of those critria we're in!
Sunny from Arran
That Agnes Ann Morrison is a cheeky wee bisom and she’s not all she seems. She gets her JD Williams account paid for through some lottery-funded cultural heritage scam because she’s a Morrison. She’s just cashing in on your good ideas. I happen to know that she’s in cahoots with the marketing people at JDs. They’re developing a new range of designer underwear called ‘Niseach Knickers’ because some of their best customers in Habost have complained that woolly thongs are just too cold when they’re pegging out the washing and there’s a Force 10 coming in off the machair. Of course Agnes Ann’s out for number one. She’s working with the engineers who built the bridge to Dun Eistean and they’re designing a prototype for some Morrison suspenders to link her woolly stockings to her tweed corsets. Seemingly Posh, Madonna, Kylie and Nora Batty are all interested. (More reasons to be a Morrison.) And I heard that she’s storing up the recipe ideas that you’re collecting. She’s got them in mind for fank-tucker trials in a new TV programme based on elements of Castaway / Celebrity Love Island and other reality shows. The working title is ‘I’m a Sassenach, Get Me Out of Here’. Tell Donald to watch out.
annie beag from lone sheiling
Yer a black-hearted philanderer Callum Annabel. You were sworn to my sister Gertrude, the gutter, who works in the chook-factory. Agnes Anne is the woman of my dreams, so hands off. I would whisk her off to the seal-sanctuary on Seal Sands where her winkle cookin' skills. wouldn't be wasted. Comin from Cross Skigerska like she does, I'll wager she's a dab hand wit' boats and maybe sailors. I've been sweatin' on setting up a cross North Sea Ferry service from Hartlepool to Oslo and have already bought the skiff. So if your rowin' skills are as up to it as yer stamina there's a place in my heart for you. Unlike Angie I would miss you all the time, except when you were away rowin' the ferry- skiff, that is. And do you take a size 10 boot? I would even develop a mild Scottish Island brogue, eat haggis, when the Benefits allowed, attend Burn's suppers and listen to Jimmy Shand records. So away with you Calum Annabell, she's mine. Just show me the Dell Frank. See you there Aggie. ( If you have been affected by the subject matter outlined in these matters and need to discuss things with a counsellor. Or even just make somebody's life a misery Please ring the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ helpline. you can find the number on the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ website. )
Granville the Gillie from British West Hartlepool
You must be the only person in West Hartlepool that can type. I believe they hung the monkey there? Could you maybe give us the recipe for what they did with it? Do they drink a house red or a house white with monkey and do you know what a house is in Hartlepool? You will need a level of sphistication not usually associated with Sassenachs to swwep Agnes Ann off her boots!
calumannabel from port of ness
Are ye goin' to let a monkey-hangin', sassenach, Gillie like yon stand in the way of true love. Where's yer Scottish pride man. Fight fer her hand, laddie. P.S. How much wid ye tak' for them neeps?
Donald. O' Donald from Killiecrankie Brae
Never mind ‘I can’t believe it’s not Guga’, I can’t believe there’s daft bodachs fighting over Agnes Anne Morrison. What ARE you on about Granville?!! You shouldn’t be whisking that bisom Aggie Anne Morrison anywhere. She's no better than she ought to be, but she’s a happily discontented married woman and you should be ashamed of yourself. Anyway, if you want oarswomen for your Hartlepool to Oslo Ferry, Sunny and her crew are much better trained to follow the Gulf Stream from Arran, row across the Pentland Firth and down the North Sea Coast. She’s got a boat, equipment and I think she’s even got themed Viking uniforms. You’d have a ready made fleet. This is the obvious solution. You’re laughing, Sunny and her mates get a bit of an adventure and Chrissie Mary and I get Uncle Norry and Colin Firth to ourselves. RESULT! I suppose your sister Gertrude could take her chances at the fank but that's up to Calum and Donald. To be on the safe side you'd have to check any fleet merger proposals with Sunny though before we make assumptions. (This Granville’s obviously a bobbin short of a tweed Calum. Keep him away from the fank)
annie beag from lone sheiling 17
I dont think my half brother is interested in Agnes Ann - there's women coming from Arran for heaven's sake and he's into cultural diversity. Have you seen the stuff they knit? We'll be bobbled up to the max in no time. Spring can't come round fast enough for him. Might have a dabble myself. The whiole idea is growing on me and my Kenina isn't what she was.
finlayannbel from port of mess
Finlay Annbel is right, that Calum Annbel should stick wi' the Arran lot,of brassies, he's fair ruined Gertrude, her heart is broken. Things are worse since she lost her teeth on the Arran ferry from 'Ardcrossin. Yes, be afraid, Calum Annbel she's lookin' to find you! The RAC had to bring her home from that one, charged extra for the car as well. No, bobbin' short of a tweed, am I Annie Beag? You should know ah've set me cap at Aggie Anne Morrison and Donald O'Donald or not I mean to get her. Donald o'Donald, what kinda' name is that? Did your mother lack imagination? so mind yer own. I've run into a snag with the Hartlepool to Oslo idea, someone has nicked the oars. Don't fret about it, Aggie Anne Morrison, our destiny is safe, Gertie is turning some new ones as we speak. Hear that Calum Annbel she's a dab hand wi' a turnin' chisel as well as a guttin' knife. So,, Callum Annbel you have to resort to bringing up monkey hangin' don't you, there stands a man whose lost the arguement I have to tell you it was all a French rumour and plot put about to discredit Jackson's landin'.
Granville the Gillie from British West Hartlepool
I'd like you bring yer sassenach hide up here and meet some Scottish steel. I'm backin' Callum Annbel. Ye can borrow my claymore, Culum, lad, ti' put the wind up the monkey-hater. It's nice ,and sharp, but I sliced my hand off honin' it. Dinna feel sorry, its as good as any excuse to miss ma turn at the bar, I canna tak' aythin' oot 'a my sporran, see. P.S. Is there anyone oot there wi' a right hand missin, wha's bought a pair 'o gloves, how much wid ye tak' fer it? I'll pay the postage.
Donald O'Donald from Killiecrankie brae
annie beag you seem to have a chip on your shoulder about something - is it an Arran Pilot? Is Ggggranville the Ghillie a pen friend or has someone in Hartlepool left a ward door open and allowed one of the patients access to a computer? All this talk of Oslo ferries etc is diverting us away from the main thrust of the site which is to get the hapless and bewildered of the Western Isles matched up and get some fresh gene pools going. So to use a mainland expression 'Get back on message'.
calumannabel from fourpenny
Quite right, quite right, I see that in the stoney silence from Aggie Morrison, my love is unrequited. Should've realised that Western Island-hoppin' is full of celtic intrigue. My Ferry idea is in shreds. I'm goin' to take myself to Lerwick and start a Dell Fank of my own, and get Gertie some new teeth, she has one eye on a caber-tosser up there.
Granville the Gillie from British West Hartlepool
Very good of you to offer our cross channel services to the mandleson lover, however between sailing to The Isle of Man, Largs Viking Festival and obviously the Dell Fank, a full summer of longship racing, not to mention the tendering process we are in with the Scottish Executive re: Calmac routes, I think we might be over streatching ourselves. Not that I would dream of going into business with a Gillie that has labled the Arran Ladies "brassies"! He's one to talk about brass.. brass hung monkeys!!! Typical agressive Sassenach.. Tch!
Sunny from Arran
Quite right Finlayannabel, my knitting is renown with a speciality in double cabled gussets. Haud yer sel back! As for Donald O'Donald I've a good friend who could weave you a lovely wicker claw in nae time!
Sunny from Arran
Your rebuke is a wee bit hurtful Calum. After all the help I’ve been as well. Sometimes I have a creel of peats on my shoulder, but Pentland tatties from the croft aren’t good for the chips. If I’ve been a bit tetchy it’s because it makes me mad when daft bodachs can’t see through the likes of Agnes Anne Morrison. At least Granville’s got the picture now and we’ve been spared his sister’s visit. Yon Morrison woman is a scheming bisom – and I’ve got the proof. Just you wait. Anyhow, I’ve thought about things and admit that I was maybe a bit harsh with Sunny at first. She seems quite a game sort. (In fact I'm quite in oar of her.)
annie beag from lone sheiling 17
I've Taken an Island brogue to ma' voice now, well I have been here since this evenin'. It's all part o' ma' new image. Just how did you know about me and Mandleperson! It was a guarded secret, and it was platonic (or was that catatonic.) Na' wonder ma' ferry-line is sunk. Unless you count Gertie, I haven't attracted any morts to ma' Lerwick Dell Fank, Any of you Brassies fray Arran interested? Ah've become genteel the now. Canna' say the same fer Gertie, wha' didna' click wi' the Caber Tosser. I'll no' say whit she did with the caber. Aggie Anne, yer missed yer chance. Love lies a' bleedin'. Hope ye' like the new brogue. I do lay claim to Scottish ancestry. Ma' kind mither was given a nasty gliff by a Scots-Guardsman in a darkened air-raid shelter in the blitz. There's na' monkey-Hangin' in ma' ancestry. Granville is gone, lang live the Shetland Gillie.
Granville the Gillie from Lerwick-under-sands (Or is it Water?) Late of BWH
Well, has anyone oot there got a right-hand glove, or no'!
Donald O'Donald from Killicrankie Brae
I'm confused. Are we talking about Peter Mandelson or Felix Mendlesson - single or Fingal? Is a gillie the same as a ghillie or is it some kind of Hartlepudlian road sweeper? I hope that the Sassenach section isn't upsetting our Arran representative and area manager. I believe Granville is upping sticks and heading for the Northern Isles - I can hear the cheering 365 miles away. What sort of sandwiches do you Arran lasses want on arrival - does marac on mayo tickle the taste buds?
calumannabel from moving target on the A857 on a grifter
We drop our Haiches in 'Artlepool
Granville the Gillie from Lerwick-under-Sands
Donald, having a spare right-hand glove would be singularly odd.
annie beag from lone sheiling 17
Aye, Annie Beag, ah cut me 'ither hand aff a' sharpenin' ma' claymore. In the absence o' na' 'ither offers, Sunny-frae-Arran, get yer pal ti' weave me a claw. Mind ah'll no pay mair than one pound three shillins' and tuppence three farthins' fer it, any mair than that and ah can mak' one oot o' a lobster pot mysel'. And set a hook in the end o' it. No' so sharp as a canna wipes me nose, wi' it either, or 'ither hygiene things mind. I have anither proposition fer yi' Sunny-frae-Arran if yer interested. Ye'll no be sorry ye asked.
Donald O'Donald from Killiecrankie Brae
Ebay's quite good bet as a second hand supplier Donald, but they drive a hard bargain on the Yorkshire coast.
annie beag from lone sheilig 17
Glad you're feeling more aimiable Annie Beag us Arran Lassies are lovers not fighters. Granvilles Insistent use of the derogatory term "brass" has really rubbed me up the wrong way, which isn't easy through six layers of well seasoned skins! I doubt he will have any takers at the fank unless he takes some ettiquette lessons. Marac will be lovely calumannabel. We will bring what ever we catch on the way and some famous Arran crowdie and provisions. Donald I'm afraid Arran went decimal weeks ago but i'm sure you can swap her for one of your great skills, I believe Julie has a prototype she and Morag from the Pottery have been working on for detachable parts! What would this proposition be?
Sunny from Arran
At lang last Sunny frae Arran this'un'll tak' yer whisht awa' Ah'm offerin', fer one time only, a chance to get a litre o' ma' patented hair enhancer. Yin spray to any part o' yer body and hair growth is tripled. Just the job for yer cauld Arran nights. You could even do wi'out one o' yer woolly vests. Think o' all the washin' ye'll save. If yer worried it doesna' work, Tak a look at yon Hungarian womens olympic shotput and weightliftin' team. See the results fer yersel'. Na' softies amang them. They all use it and swear by it. Ma sister Rhona uses it and wi'oot really tryin' won the all Scotland ladies longest moustache competition. So ther ye have it, a product fer champions. Noo here's ma proposition. You send me the claw and twenty shillin's and I'll reward ye wi' the hair enhancer. A guid deal all roond. Pay yer own postage okay? Whit have ye done wi all the neeps Calumanbel, how much will ye tak' fer the job lot? Yer breakin' ma' heart wi' all this talk o' decimal currency, Sunny frae Arran. No man should have ti' endure it, Thatcher or no. Hurry up wi' ma claw woman. I hate ti' say it, Merry Christmas yin and all. Now where did ah put yon claymore?
Donald O'Donald from Killicrankpot Brae
Donald, although any true Arran lass is considerably more hirsuite than those baldy, scrawny we slips of Hungarian hammer throwers, we are interested in the hair enhancer as I spotted a patch of skin shining through the glorious locks on my knees this morning and we do take pride in cultivating a fine pelt, not only to attract the opposite sex but it does help keep us warm when sleeping on the mountain during the Haggis season, which as we all know starts on the glorious 12th of January. I'm afraid there's a bit of a delay with your claw as Julie and Morag have been side tracked with Haggis trap repairs. I will go give them a prod. Isn't the electric great!
Sunny from Arran
Whit a fine figure o' a young skelper ye sound, Sunny frae Arran. I've a mind ti' pair ye wi sister Rhona. Whit an Olympic team ye'd mak'. If we reach a deal, dinna' use the enhancer on yer father's pate, it doesna' work on men o' a certain age. The skull turns celtic green and things start ti' drap aaf. Ah'm thinkin' o' attendin' yon Fank mysel'. Ye didna' mention the twenty shillin's boon and postage. Na' postal-orders mind. Is hirsuit a wimmin's Arran twin-set?
Donald O'Donald from Killiecrankie Brae
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