Of husbands, wives, and doormats...
Posted: Saturday, 21 June 2008 |
18 comments |
I apologize if I confused anyone with my long comment in the other post in response to a question about how to find a great man like my Erlend. Do understand something that is very important: I don't believe that the art of "Treat others as you want them to treat you" and not feeling sorry for one's self every time we perceive that we've been "wronged" = being a doormat. I have no time for people becoming beat-down doormats. I don't believe in that. But on the other side of the coin I also have no time for militant "poor me" nonsense either. Life isn't about keeping track of every little insult and wrong done against me ~ it's about forgiving, forgetting, and letting go of the small pointless battles that only bring discord when fought. This is not "being a doormat" ~ this is being sensable and admitting that the Universe doesn't revolve around me. If Erlend makes a human error and "wongs" me in a non-abusive way I can choose to just let it go and get over myself and move on... or I can choose to get worked up and proud and feel like a victim. Choosing to show respect, to let the small pointless battles pass by, to not nit-pick and criticize... this is not about being a doormat ~ It's about not being a selfish nagging brat puffed up with pride. (Trust me, I'm verrrrrrry good at being just that!)
Peace begins within myself and then spreads outwards. If I get worked up about someone else's mistakes and faults and/or I get on my high horse and nitpick and criticize people... that's not going to create peace. That's going to create tension and misery in every one of my relationships. As long as someone isn't actually hurting me or anyone else... Who cares if a friend cuts me off when I'm talking so that he/she can butt in and share an opinion? Who cares if Erlend tracks mud on the kitchen floor? Who cares if a family member picks their teeth at the table while we are eating out? Who cares if a neighbor laughs like a hyena while we are talking in a shop?? There is so much more to life then getting hung up about the supposed "inferiority" of those around me. Huh! To do so would suggest that I honestly believe I do nothing that is embarassing or untoward... I walk on water... I'm perfect...
I don't think so!! All I have to do is roll out of bed in the morning and I'm already making mistakes!! I'm 100% certain that there are plenty of people who cringe while visiting with me or cringe while out in public with me... you know, like my poor mortified neighbor who was looking for the bathroom at a shop in Kirkwall and I bellowed to a sales-clerk from across the room, "EXCUSE ME BUT WHERE IS THE TOILET?? SHE (**pointing finger at neighbor**) NEEDS IT!!"
I know that I've married a totally human man complete with faults and failings. (He's not abusive though. I avoid abusive people.) Erlend isn't perfect and neither am I and this means that there will be plenty of issues cropping up betwen us every single day. I have the free will choice to latch on to the problems or to let them go and not get worked up about them. This is the foundation upon which I have tried to build a peaceful, respectful, and loving marriage ~ and so far it seems to be working. I mean... what is gained when I criticize Erlend or when I hold on to every little wrong he does against me?? Do I seriously need to gripe at him about squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube? Do I seriously need to jump on his case every time he gets snippy with me? Or is it more helpful to realize that uh... it's just toothpaste and uh... maybe my man is exhausted and frustrated from work and I should forgive him for getting snippy instead of demanding justice? (Besides, I'm sure I do plenty of irritating things myself...) Making a cup of tea while smiling past my anger goes a lonnnnnng way towards restoring the peace whereas saying, "You're being such a jerk and I demand that my offended feelings be asauged!" only compounds the tension. Sure, I have legitimately been wronged by my husband when he's snippy but how is the problem solved when I go on the war path each and every time? Can't I just let it go and move on in the name of peace?? How is choosing the latter option "being a doormat"? I think it's more along the lines of acting like a mature adult instead of being a spoiled brat that thinks the Universe revolves around me and my precious widdle feelings and by golly if any of you so much as step out of line...
I dunno... I've discovered that letting go, moving on, and not being a critical jerk has worked wonders in my marriage! And when I catch myself fall into jerk-mode for the 833rd time that day... I eat a big fat slice of humble pie and apologize. WHO am *I* to think that I have the right to point my finger at another person?? "Erlend, you washed the dishes but there was some food stuck to several of the plates..." Oh yeah right, and *I* am so perfect in all of *my* chores?? I don't think so... and so I grit my teeth, swallow my pride and force myself to say, "Hey, at least this hard-working farmer came inside at 11pm and washed the dishes! Get over yourself, Michelle!"
That's not being a doormat ~ that's being realisitc. I make just as many mistakes as the next person. Since when did God appoint me as the Local Saint?? Er... He didn't, therefore it's time to get off of my high horse and seek peace in my relationships. And yeah, I'll get critical or grumble at least 1,583 times a day but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to continue weeding pride out of my garden.
The same concept goes for friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors... I'm not being a doormat or advocating that anyone else becomes a doormat. What I'm saying is: Pride is the root of most of our personal problems and sufferings. If we weed pride out of our lives we'll find that we are a lot happier and not such poor offended victims. Narcissism does not bring peace into my relationships or into my daily life...
When I write about being so happy with my wonderful Erlend I'm not making anything up. I'm not glossing over things and creating a fictional "Blog Erlend" that does not exist ~ and the same goes for anyone else I write about. It's not about "faking it" and pretending folk are perfect when it comes to my relationships ~ it's about eating a lot of humble pie and reminding myself on a daily basis that *I* am not perfect and therefore I have no right to focus and obsess about the imperfections of others. I've learned that there are no perfect people out there ~ just regular human beings like myself. Sure, some of these human beings can be abusive and if that's the case I remove myself from such relationships and "kick the dust from my feet." I do not advocate that any man or woman rolls over and becomes a brainless doormat that shuffles their feet and says, "Yes, massa!" to an abusive other. At the same time I do advocate that folk seek peace by kicking pride out the door ~ this is the first step to what looks like a "perfect" marriage or friendship... humility is the key to sanity and contentment in life! But humility does not automatically equal being a brainless doormat that lets oneself be walked all over by abusive jerks. It pays to separate "Humility" from "Doormat" in our minds... otherwise we can lose the plot.
Posted on Things Go Moo in the Night... at 19:06
Comments
"Brevity is the soul of wit" "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your hearts desire. The other is to gain it."
Flying Cat from ShakesShaw Redemption
Where is the camera, Michelle? I was looking foreward seeing the new sheep. I'll say just like the song: I don't know much about love.
Dag from Norway
I'm sitting here, briefly but not wittily, thinking of Oor Wullie's Kate and Petruchio, and also wondering, MT, if you really bellowed at the shop assistant. Did he or she respond appropriately?
Rabmastiff from Shrew-free zone
Call me bourgeois, but I believe in good manners, including table manners, both in private and in public.# Bellowing to sales clerks and/or embarrassing neighbors amount to rude behavior in the States, and doubtless in the UK as well. #
mjc from NM,USA
Michelle,as you seem to be an expert on matrimony,maybe you can answer this question: I know two couples very well,in fact i'm very close to them. Couple number 1) both have full time jobs,one child 6years old,mem picks child up from grandmothers 30 mins after child comes out of school,goes home starts to cook evening meal(note i said cook-no ready meals in this household!)husband comes home plays with child,does homework with child-thay have their evening meal together; child is bathed and bedded!its still nice outside so husband goes out and does some gardening-wife the ironing: then its time for bed. couple 2) husband works long hard hours,wife doesn't work-no children: wife doesn't do any housework,or cooking in fact does nothing but sit at her computer playing games all day,husband comes home for lunch,has to cook his own lunch,goes back to work,comes home cooks his own evening meal and his wife's(no,she's not ill,by the way) then washes the dishes etc,cleans up a little then drops into bed,and wakes up the next day to reapeat the same things as the days' before; so in your mind ,who is the doormat??
lisa from border line
Americans are not all the same. Maybe I should put an advert to that effect in the Orcadian. I would not want to be run out of town next time I visit Stromness, or the Kirkwall metropolis.
mjc from NM,USA
Modesty and brevity are underrated qualities in some quarters.
mjc from NM,USA
Well said MJC there is absoloutly no excuse for bad manners no matter what:
carol from over here
I can't bear pride. I think you are right - pride has a lot do do with problems of today, and possibly relationship problems. I really dislike hearing people saying how proud they are of their children. or some other person in their life. But - BUT we do need a certain amount of pride in ourselves, to hold our heads up high, to believe in ourselves, maybe I mean confidence rather than pride? I lost a lot of confidence a couple of years ago, and its slowly coming back. Life seemed to be setback after setback for a while, and it knocks the stuffing out of you. I am so glad you are happy in your relationship, Erlend must indeed be a gem, and you seem to have it sussed as to how it works. however I must throw in words like equality, considerate, patience, compassion, passion, as well as phrases like stand up for yourself, be yourself, don't be a doormat, believe in yourself cos if you don't who else is going to?
its all relative to love - if you love someone a lot - you'll put up with a load of sh*t to be with them no matter what. if you only love them a little you have to struggle to make it work and compromise ... a lot. and there the rest of us in between who have great relationships with lots of love and couldn't care less about the sh*t.
scallowawife from reading - men are from mars women from venus
If Cherie Blair can publish her memoirs, why should Moo not do the same? Memoirs and Advice from Farmer's Wife in Dounby (Vanity Press, Orkney). 2,456 pages of lively prose, with foreword by the Abbot of Pluscarden (perhaps), aye, and afterword by Carol from Languedoc-Roussillon (unless Scallo. insists on doing the honors).
mjc from NM,USA
mjc. no problem,none at all!
carol from in the sun--at last!!
who - WHO - wants to read Cherie's memoirs.... most of it was well publicised on TV, on chat shows and was well ridiculed. and so it deserved. But it did show that Cherie is one of us... she 'forgets' to take her 'contraceptive device' on holiday. she gets pregnant whilst a guest of the queen ... do we really need to know that? and what about the poor son concieved in such a way? oh yes, and she has to count the coppers on the kitchen table cos she is so poor. (No, tws I mean money, not the polis)Aawwe...the poor Blairs. MJC - I will be happy to accept your challenge - The Abbot does the foreword, Carol does the afterword, I'll stick one somewhere in the middle to guide folk to the exit, and can TWS do the proof reading?
scallowawife from not reading Cherie's memoirs
WOW,scallowawife you have opened my eyes--well i must admit since finding this site(and certain others have really opened my eyes)!but poor mr & mrs blair imagine having to count the pennies --i am ever so lucky,as i don't have to count them---what with a widows pension of 420鈧琾er month its all gone before i can count it!!!
carol from feeling ever so sorry for mr &mrs blair
I mind my OWN manners and forgive everyone else theirs.... and hope they do the same. :)
DefineYourTerms from Outside DC, USA
Universal forgiveness (whether people need it or not) - that's the way to go, Define etc.
mjc from NM,USA
Hi Michelle,
Sorry to bother you over here, but I thought perhaps you'd like to read up on Braxton Hicks' contractions. Could be that's those sore abs you mentioned on one of your other blogs. In Dutch they're called 'hard bellies' :-).
~Liedeke
Liedeke from Utrecht
Hey, Moo- Were have you got yourself to lately? We're all a bit lost without out your delightful thoughts and Orkney updates! We MISS YOU!!
S from Tejas
Heh...was reading on your other blog that your foot has been causing you some problems. So sorry to hear that!! I know what it is like to be laid up....as I type I have my left foot propped up. Had surgery on the ankle on Wednesday and am waiting for it to heal back up. I will be praying for you during this time. I know it must be tough dealing with a pregnancy and a hurt foot! hang in there!
USAincognito from USA
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So...I traded my quiet cabin in the Alaskan woods for the howling winds of Orkney and life on a farm. 
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