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From Kevin Marsh:
It was when it got into the papers that John had 鈥渇orgotten鈥 his routine test that we knew this week would go awry.
We normally try to keep these things within the programme but somehow the press got hold of it and before you could say 鈥渞eptile鈥 there were hundreds of small men in pork-pie hats and stained macs gathered outside the wall of the Blue Peter garden throwing gobbets of carrion into John鈥檚 compound trying to lure him into the open where Italian paparazzi could snap him in his shame.
Of course we all knew this would never work 鈥榗os John still had a former minister鈥檚 thigh-bone to finish up and that kept him well out of sight at the back of his cage. He never even pulled on his straps.
At the same time we were a bit dismayed at his initial excuse for missing his test 鈥 that it had 鈥渟lipped his mind鈥 because he had to re-arrange his desk furniture that day.
I mean, just how hard can it be?
Monday 鈥 do programme.
Tuesday 鈥 do programme.
Wednesday 鈥 do programme.
Thursday 鈥 don鈥檛 do programme.
Friday 鈥 do test
Etc.
Not exactly air traffic control, is it?
Anyway, he missed the thing and under BAFTA/OffCom/RAJAR rules - that鈥檚 it. An automatic two year ban. No argument. But 鈥 as those previously caught up in this sort of thing always point out 鈥 it鈥檚 not the ban that really hurts. It鈥檚 the loss of social esteem and respect that follows it. Old ladies hiss as you elbow them aside in the street: babies throw their bottles of gold top formula from passing prams: and iffy local radio stations start making offers to you to host their phone-ins.
We rushed out a statement, of course, denying that he's ever touched espresso doppo, not in his professional life, not in his social life. And that he condemns anyone who has used the vile substance as an illegal support to get them through a morning.
Not only did we put the statement out but I suspect it might even have been true because I鈥檝e never actually seen him take anything stronger than a large filter with hot milk. But then that鈥檚 the point of these 鈥渙ff-air鈥 testing regimes isn鈥檛 it? You can never really be sure what these over-pampered stars are up to when you鈥檙e not looking.
Actually, now I think about it, that鈥檚 the point. What do we expect of morning show presenters? Do we expect too much?
We pluck these sturdy and talented young men and women from sink estates on the margins of our major cities: sprinkle stardust in their hair: fawn on them as demi-gods: pander their every whim: throw beneath their feet riches that would make Croesus blush鈥 and then wonder why it all goes wrong when they turn into coffee monsters with an unnatural appetite for what I understand is called "heavy roast".
Some things went right, though, in what was all in all an eventful and surprising week.
The biggest surprise 鈥 for me, blind fool that I am 鈥 was Sarah鈥檚 on-air blurt that she was鈥 well鈥 enceinte. With child. A yummy-mummy to be. Can you imagine for one moment the face-paling horror that swept over me when I heard this news... ON AIR? Not only had I 鈥 unwittingly I must say in my own defence 鈥 sent her, the day before and in that delicate condition to the louche, debauched, meat market that is the dansant. But I鈥檇 sent her to spend a whole week in, well, Blackpool, confining her - for the most part 鈥 to the Today OB studio suite. Or caravan.
Now I鈥檓 not an obs-gynie man 鈥 except in the sense that we all are - but I do know that the effects of an Irish Sea gale on a small caravan in the car park of the Imperial Hotel, the simple laws of resonance and the hairspring trigger of Braxton Hicks could so easily have lead to a tricky moment or two and a sudden run on the Marigolds.
But we got through it - or rather Sarah did - without misadventure, averting the dreadful prospect of Montague minor being ribbed in some hospitality tent of the future that (s)he鈥檇 drawn his/her first breath in a trailer park off the Golden Mile.
Phew indeed.
Kevin
Sarah Montague has also written a diary from her time at the Conservative Conference in Blackpool. You can read this and
listen to a selection of the best interviews from the conference.
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