成人快手

By Vishal S

DAY 1

Born today! But why am I here?

All I know: I emerged from this machine, which printed two UGLY images on me. On one side, a rather fancy-looking woman and on the other a stern, grumpy, balding man.

NOT the look I would have chosen...

DAY 3

Today, I was inside another machine. Met loads of other notes just like me. Discovered they call us fivers! Loved it. Cosy, warm and friendly!

But next second, I get shoved out of a tiny slot into the cold.

Some grubby hands stuff me in a pouch... Now it's just me and a £50 note - thinks he's 10 times better than me... Hope I'm out of here soon...

DAY 63

Still here.

Bored... Been in this same wallet for weeks now. Nothing ever happens except the £50 bragging. Then some coins dropped on my head. Ouch.

I'm getting really claustrophobic now.

Also, I started wondering about the meaning of my life...

DAY 102

Been put in an old, rusty tray. But I have my own compartment with some other £5s. That's great. Made some new friends. We've got lots in common!

However, there's a weird scent of expired Kit Kats and Rolos...

DAY 103

Rude awakening today. There was a massive CRRRCHIIINGG and the tray was jerked out. A few of my buddies got swiped away.

Then CRRRCHIIINGG, again, the tray was slammed back in. Got a headache now...

DAY 167

My latest wallet 'home' was snatched by a small, podgy child. She pulled me out, then twisted me, drooled on me and put me in her mouth and chewed me. Worst pain ever...EXCRUCIATING...

Fortunately, I'm made from the finest of thermoplastic polymers - my ego was more damaged than my edges.

DAY 248

Shocking day. This lady was rushing down the road and dropped me onto the horrible, grimy street floor. Lay there for hours... I got trodden on, rained on, and finally driven over by a 50 TONNE TRUCK.

Cheers...

DAY 439 (AM)

Today, I got shoved into a suitcase with loads of my other friends. Saw a hooded man. He looked mean. Heard gunshots, screams and a very loud alarm.

Don't get what all the fuss and noise was for...

DAY 439 (PM)

Heard sirens. Then more gunshots. Suitcase was opened... looked up to see a friendly man with a shiny badge and stripes on his shoulder. Got transferred back into a machine like the one I started in.

Still don't get my life - why am I here?

DAY 3784

I've seen quite a lot over these years. But something different happened today.

My latest owner was strolling through a park, and stopped in front of an old man. His clothes were ragged. He was sat on a crumpled sleeping bag on the floor.

With desperation, he begged, "Any change mate?"

I was handed over.

The man started sobbing gently.

He wept, "You just saved my life, mate."

My owner smiled.

Finally, I think I know why I'm here.