成人快手

Oh my days, I live 5 minutes away from Farrington Gurney, it made my day, when it and Chew Magna were mentioned. I love how Bristolian Russell is :)

omg!!!!! loved when you dressed up as the westcountry bloke, and you said where im from :):):)

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russell said chew magna, it made my day :):):)

Scouse Monsters Inc. I LOLed, hope you do too.

Not the news, but certainly news related I think. Greetings from Sweden.

Excellent first show, had me laughing out loud.

Looking forward to the rest.

I made this song to help my nephew breastfeed. It is possibly inappropriate, but I can't visit him as I have a sever chest infection, possibly tb.



video's a bit ropey.

don't know if this is working, anyway I made this song to help my nephew breastfeed. Possibly a bit inappropriate.



video is ropey.

god bless you mr howard, i have seen you live, not just on mock the week.

Well, I'm sorry to rain on the congratulation-parade but I was very disappointed with the first show as a big fan of Russel. I had a few laughs but too many total cringes - the sperm-on-mouse, tattooed lady and ghastly audience teenager pick-on to name but three. Please Russel, play to your strengths with the gentle, funny family and west country gags and don't try to follow the generic foul-mouthed and cringe making route taken by soooo... many others.

Really great show Russell, made me laugh out loud so many times
can't wait to see the next on
:)

Tweeted this as well but it made me giggle - took this on way back from London: think captain birdseye's had to make advertising cut back's - even he's feeling the credit crunch!

There was also one saying "Laura I love you will you marry me? Rob" I wish I'd got a pic but we were going too fast and when we went back it'd gone! Think she musta said no lol either that or he bottled it!

Also entered the "death by biscuits" competition for the sign script :-D

Love the show Russell keep up the good work xx

This is sort of topical. Hope you can use make use of this material in your show.

If you enter "dutch word of the year" into google you get this as the top result:



BTW. How do you become a member of the audience?

Russell

I was wondering

As a fellow west country bumkin would you band together with me and help me flog my car

it's a nice car but it's not big enough for me and my family

i've been doing the usual advertising it on common land with a big "FOR SALE" sign in the window but alas the only people that take a look are dog walkers, the little gits that hang around down somerfield and 1 old lady who mistook my fiesta for the halifax!!! she wanted to make a withdrawl, i was not impressed

Yours locally

Triggs, from Melksham..... that crappy town between the slightly better Chippenham and the slightly more district town of Trowbridge (or Trowvegas depending on your expectation levels and general desire for life!)

I found this excerpt from metro.com:

A Lancashire man got a surprise when he woke up to find that somebody had stolen his garden path.

Mick Tempest and his partner Claire Inman discovered the missing garden path on Thursday, October 15, when they looked out of their window at their plot on the Stoney Bank Road allotment in Earby, Lancashire.

Where there had been a series of paving stones, there were now just holes in the ground.

(Original Article: )

Thought this would be funny. I laughed. But I have a weird sense of humour!

Well, we was trying to pose for a decent picture to put in the local newspaper advertising our 5-a-side football team. We selected two of the team members Josh (In The Air) and Danny (Crotch Grabbing). We uploaded the picture to the Internet and this is what happend.



Lol!

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from jen, bristol

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apparently nick griffin was pelted with eggs when he visted a scottish radio station.


jen, bristol.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Country England
County West Sussex

Titty Hill is a small hamlet in West Sussex, England.

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Russ !! If you had the power to change something, what would you change and why?

loved it :)

Don't know if it's the right place to suggest anything, but anyone able to do this has to be thinking it's good news...



Greatest comeback since the Wispa bar, methinks.

There's also this too...



must be for those high en-durex races... *groan*

Tory shame as Sir Nicholas Winterton slaps a Labour MP's bottom




Tory grandee Sir Nicholas Winterton slapped a female Labour MP鈥檚 bottom in front of her stunned colleagues.

Sir Nicholas struck Natascha Engel鈥檚 backside as she queued in the Commons鈥� tearoom.

Ms Engel, 43, MP for Derbyshire North East, yesterday branded him a 鈥渟illy old man鈥� but said she would not be taking any action.

Sir Nicholas, 71, who is married to fellow Conservative MP Ann Winterton, came up behind Ms Engel as she waited at the buffet.

She was too shocked to complain at the time and hurried off to sit with friends.

Ms Engel told them: 鈥淚 can鈥檛 believe it. Sir Nicholas has just slapped my bottom.鈥�

Yesterday, she played down the incident, which leaked out on Twitter.

he said: 鈥淚t was just a really stupid thing for an old man to do. But I didn鈥檛 take offence and I鈥檓 not going to take it any further.

鈥淗e is just a silly old man.鈥�

Sir Nicholas, who is standing down over his Commons expenses, told journalists he couldn鈥檛 remember the incident but admitted it may have happened.

fat players get free burgers in sponaship deal.



Thailand's top footballers will feast on free burgers as part of a three-year sponsorship deal with American fast food giant McDonald's worth almost $900,000 (543,000 pounds), the country's football president said Wednesday. Skip related content
McDonald's will provide 25 million baht (452,000 pound) for the Football Association of Thailand (FAT) and will offer five million baht in products in exchange for shirt sponsorship for the next three years, starting this month.

"This will be a great help towards our efforts to reach the 2014 World Cup finals," FAT president Worawi Makudi told Reuters.

"This funding will help develop our game, especially youth football, and all the players, junior and senior, will get to enjoy the food too," he added.

Thailand's national team, which is currently 110th in the FIFA rankings, signed a five-year kit sponsorship deal with U.S. sports giant Nike in 2007 for an undisclosed figure.

The team has never qualified for the World Cup finals and is now being coached by former England and Manchester United captain Bryan Robson.

Man marries dog to lift curse



We have all heard the 'man bites dog' stories, but how about a real-life 'man marries dog' tale!

This one takes the biscuit, and it could only happen in India, the land of the Kama Sutra.

But you won't find this kind of love story between man and beast in the ancient Indian sex manual.

It took place for real during a traditional hindu ceremony at a temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.

The groom in question was a 33-year-old Indian farmer named Selvakumar, and he was wed to a female dog named Selvi.

He married his four legged bitch to atone for stoning two other dogs to death and stringing them up in a tree 15 years ago.

He believed the act cursed him and he had been suffering ever since, he told the Hindustan Times.

After he stoned the dogs he said his legs and hands got paralysed, he lost hearing in one ear, and his speech was impaired.

With doctors unable to help him, Selvakumar turned to an astrologer who told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed.

He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer warned.

Family members chose a stray female dog who was then bathed and clothed for the wedding occasion.

Selvi the bride was brought to the temple by village women and a Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.

The paper showed a picture of Selvakumar sitting next to his canine bride, which was adorned in an orange sari and flower garland.

The paper said the groom and his family then had a feast, while the dog got a bun.

It was reported that Selvi attempted to make a bolt for it -- apparently due to the big crowds -- but she was tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'.

"The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.

Deeply superstitious people in rural India sometimes organize weddings to dogs and other animals, believing it can beat certain curses.

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Dog dialled 999

Police feared the worse when they received a 999 call which sounded as if a serious attack was underway
Operatives heard whining noises and a man shouting: "Come out or else - I'm warning you", reports Sky News.

Then the line went dead. Fearing the worst, police rang back - but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story.

A very apologetic woman confirmed that all was well and that the culprit was her pet dog Bailey.

The 14-month-old golden retriever had grabbed the house phone in his mouth and ran off into the garden.

The emergency call operator had heard the woman's husband trying to get the dog to come out from his hiding place behind the garden shed.

Bailey had inadvertently dialled 999 while attempting to keep his grip on the phone.

The couple, from Withington, Herefordshire, apologised for the mix-up

Knowle man jailed for sitting on Bedminster bench


A Knowle man has been jailed for four weeks for walking through Bedminster and sitting on a bench there.
Anthony McCarthy, 53, of Padstow Road, Knowle, had been banned from parts of Bedminster under an interim anti-social behaviour order made by Bristol magistrates.
On October 26, he was seen walking along East Street by a shop assistant who has previously been harassed by McCarthy, magistrates heard.
Four days later a police community support officer saw McCarthy sitting on a bench in East Street.
He admitted breaking the terms of the interim Asbo.

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I'm planning every detail of my 5 kids' lives..in 6 months they'll be orphans
BRAVE JUSTINE'S MEMORY BOX, 'ADVICE' MANUAL, EVEN 1ST CAR



Like many busy single mums, Justine Hargreaves is already up to her ears in gifts and wrapping paper preparing a fantastic Christmas for her five children.

She has carefully chosen the perfect presents for Jade, 16, Sam, nine, Nathaniel, eight, and five-year-old twins Coral and Crystal.

But she's also buying gifts for birthdays and Christmases to come - because she won't be there to see them
Christine, 37, has cervical cancer and has been told she has less than six months to live. And in a heartbreaking twist, her death will leave her children orphans - after their dad Stuart committed suicide three years ago.


But in an amazing display of courage, Justine is devoting her final weeks to securing the youngsters' futures and making sure they feel her love for ever.


She has written a "mummy manual" packed with helpful advice to see them into adulthood and has filled "memory boxes" with treasured family mementoes for each of them.


She is also raising money with fancydress sponsored walks and donations - 拢15,000 so far - to give them a good start in life and buy them their first cars.


And she's arranged for the kids to be brought up by her sister Jannine and best pal Victoria Tierney once she is gone.


Justine said: "When Stuart died I promised them I'd never leave them - yet that's exactly what I'm doing.


"It breaks my heart, so I have to make the most of the time we have left.


"I've told the children the truth - they know I'm dying. But they also know I can still be their mummy in heaven.


"I'm focusing on making their futures great, leaving them memories to stay with them for ever and planning presents for their big birthdays.


"I've been creating memory boxes with items that hold memories we share.


"For example, I've put shark's teeth in the boys' boxes to remind them of a visit to Blackpool aquarium and postcards from the pleasure beach for the girls - we had a scream on the funfair there.


"I'm also writing letters to help and guide them through the challenges they have ahead.


"I want to tell them it's OK to make mistakes but make sure you learn and move on from them. I want them to give each other cuddles when they feel sad and be proud of themselves, individually and as a family."


Justine's tragic story will bring tears to the eyes of every parent in Britain.


But her heroic determination to help her kids face losing their mum is nothing less than inspirational.


Hellish


The nightmare began in August 2006 when Justine's hubby Stuart, 36, hanged himself in a fit of depression after his cabinet-making business collapsed.


Horrified Justine had found his body in their bedroom.


Soon after, the family lost their home in Accrington, Lancs, because Stuart had left them with massive debts.


Justine said: "Our lives went from perfect to hellish in just a few months but I had to be strong - I had five devastated children to think of.


"I promised I would never leave them and gradually we rebuilt our lives and they began to smile again."


But a year later a smear test revealed Justine had cancer of the cervix.


She said: "I know it's irrational but I blamed Stuart - I had missed some smear tests because I was so busy looking after him when he was depressed and then had to look after the kids once he'd died."


She began chemotherapy in August 2007 and was told the outlook was good.


But in May this year a scan showed the cancer had spread to her bones - and was incurable.


Justine said: "It was like being smacked with a hammer.


"I'd coped with losing Stuart, losing our lovely home and paying his debts and I was coping fine with five children.


"But now I was faced with something I couldn't beat - I was dying."


Justine had to face the unbearable pain of breaking the news to her children.


She said: "Nathaniel and Sam were very angry and Jade sobbed and sobbed.


"The twins were too young really to take it in but Crystal asked, 'Will we have a new mummy? Will you be going off to heaven today?'" Now Justine's planning her funeral. She is choosing the songs for the service and she's asked best friend Victoria, 37, to pick the clothes she'll wear in the coffin - joking she doesn't want her mum to do it. Justine said: "It's important my nails and make-up look beautiful because I need to look normal for the kids.


"I can't have them scared and I want them to believe, when the day comes, I will be an angel resting in heaven."


She went on: "One of the most important things is I fear the children will forget their mummy and daddy.


"I want them to know we are still there in spirit, spurring them on, watching them and are so proud of them.


"They all have special roles - Nathaniel is our clown, Coral is the protector of Crystal, Crystal is the peacekeeper, Sam is the sensitive one and Jade is our intellectual. I want that to carry on.


"We started a ritual when Stuart died of celebrating his birthday at his grave. We'd take a balloon and yellow flowers and sing Happy Birthday to him.


"I have said it's important once I am gone this continues.


Celebration


"Every Christmas I buy them pyjamas, slippers and dressing gowns and I'd like that to carry on too.


"We have a tea party on each birthday and I want this to go on as if I was there.


"I'd also like my own birthday to be a celebration - and I want a cake!" Justine added: "I don't want them to be angry I had to leave them and never got to do all that I wanted with them.


"Stuart always said we'd buy them their first car so we're trying to put 拢10,000 in each of their accounts for that purpose."


Victoria is leading the fund-raising efforts through the www.helpjustine.com website. It has so far raised 拢15,000 to be placed in a trust fund for the children.


And it leaves Justine free to concentrate on her kids in her final precious days.


She said: "At bedtime, I kiss them good night and tell them how much I love them.


"I want my voice to be the last thing they hear at night long, long after I'm gone."

so sad, but inspring

jen, bristol

Yew鈥檝e been framed


A THIEF is caught in an act of shrubbery - as he steals a YEW TREE.
The man was snapped running from a garden in a town hit by a dozen cases of stolen trees in three months.

Police - who have failed to twig who he is - last night released the CCTV picture, hoping it will help them root out the middle-aged tea-leaf.

He was caught on camera at the end of October as five yews were either stolen, or dug up and abandoned in Milton Keynes, Bucks.

All the stolen trees have been yews. A police spokesman said: "We have no idea why he's doing it.

"We're not sure if he's just being a nuisance or if there's another reason. But we know everyone would like it to stop."

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www.thesun.co.uk

jen.

what do you think of your fans? and please can i have a shout out?

jen x

Farmer kept tiny ducklings in the sink to protect them from cold"



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gordan brown-kung foo fighter.


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please can you pass this onto russell.

hi russ, do you remember me, met you at bristol hippodrome for your dvd, you said you wanted to be a turtle, i gave you the chocolates :) just wanted to say it was really nice meeting you, it really made me happy and it made my day, its a moment i will never forget, and also to be on the dvd is fantastic, its a great momento to a really special day. i always wanted to meet you and was so really happy i got the chance, a dream come true, thank you :):)you were so friendly and easy to talk to.

im still amazed. hope you enjoyed the chocs. saw you munching on a choc on the dvd and you were saying you were horny, hehehe.

much love, and thank you again for making my day that extra special :)

jenny, bristol.

The Jesus Christ Sponge


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please look at this one!! funny haha

jen x

Bin Laden



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please please please look at this it make you smile :):)

jen x

gaddafi on conan obrien


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i laughed !!

jen x

Monkey Police - :)