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I can't believe nobody commented on the phrase "poignantly wielding a tortoise" from yesterday's PM. It's lovely. I haven't seen the picture but I'm pretty sure I want it on a t-shirt.
Phil, Guisborough

Our ancestors began cooking 1.9 million years ago? Surely the sprouts must be ready by now?
GDW, Edinburgh

I expect many Monitorites to write in and tell Amy Turner (Thursday's letters) that they, too, have spotted the first Christmas cards on sale. Today, my wife even bought her first Christmas decorations. "You can never be too early", she said. We're on our summer holidays.
Johan van Slooten, Urk, Netherlands

Amy - I design greetings cards and believe me, Christmas is already long gone! I'm currently being asked about new designs for Valentine's, Easter and Mother's Day...
Pennychoo Sue, London

Amy Turner, I was in a pub last week and they were advertising Valentines Day and Mothers Day 2012. Now that's what I call planning ahead - there will be women out there that don't yet know they will be Mothers by Mothers Day 2012. I Win. Lou, Windsor, UK

Mike, Newcastle (Thursday's letters), unfortunately your joke was used over 10 years ago in the film Miss Congeniality which I happen to be watching at the moment.
Basil Long, Nottingham

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Apple founder Steve Jobs patented designs for two glass staircases.

2. Almost a quarter of new words added to the Chambers Dictionary come from internet culture.
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3. Female birds like confident males.

4. Col Gaddafi's compound contained a photo album filled with pictures of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

5. "Astoundingly thick" is an acceptable description of someone who performs badly on Mastermind.

6. Our ancestors began cooking 1.9 million years ago.

7. Stress really does make hair turn grey.

8. A planet 4,000 light years away from earth is made almost entirely of diamonds.

9. Getting married increases the risk of putting on weight.
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10. Britons are now twice as likely to be bitten by a mosquito in the UK than in the 10 years to 2006.
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Seen 10 things? .

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

You can submit captions for this week's picture using the comments box below (not the "Send us a letter" form on the right of this page). You will need to be registered to take part, but don't be put off if you haven't registered yet - it's a quick and easy process.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was entertainers literally taking to the streets to advertise their show at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. SkarloeyLine
"When you said the Stones would be supporting us..."

5. PollySaxon
The cello sporran was roomy but impractical.

4. placey1
It's a no from me. You were flat all the way through.

3. Steele Hawker
Police are looking for a green Ford Focus driven by a music-lover.

2. TubaMiriam
There were no winners in the "who can play the lowest note?" competition.

1. clint75
The buskers had asked the crowd if they'd like to hear some Chris de Burgh.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has a serious case of deja vu today. Last week, it was A-levels and now it's GCSE results, and yet again it is the girls charging ahead of the boys.

While, the papers are still partial to students who get multiple A*s (particularly if they're pretty girls or twins or famous or have overcome some great adversity), GCSEs tend to bring out the young geniuses.

Take Callan Sharples for instance, a nine-year-old who got an A in higher maths. Not media studies or drama BUT maths. Impressive. But Paper Monitor finds it cannot be so charitable towards the six-year-old who got an E in Maths.

Yes, she's only six but an E? Maybe Paper Monitor is being churlish. The Sun calls her a "Maths Whizz". She will be dismissed out of hand by all decent employers, although to be fair, a job is a long way off and she will probably get an A next year.

Talking of young-uns, many of the papers have been unable to resist pictures of Prime Minister David Cameron and his youngest child, Florence.

The PM is back on holiday in Cornwall (another case of deja vu), and Dave and Sam Cam took their child back to the hospital where she was born last year.

He told a new father there would be no more mini-Camerons, so the Sun's headline is "No more after Flor". Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph is just "going with the Flo".

But the Mirror has cracked the case wide open. It has a picture of Florence at her first public engagement, under the headline: "Pictures PM wants you to see". But underneath it has pictures "he tried to hide" - pictures of him wrestling with a corkscrew and also playing cricket on a beach. The insinuation is that he is having a jolly good time while Libya loses its "Mad Dog". The Mirror aka Magnum PI.

Going for the triple deja vu, there are apocalyptic forecasts for the bank holiday weekend. The story usually starts "Millions face misery..." and it goes on to talk about rail closures, congested roads, bucketloads of rain and washed-out festivals.

What to do? Well, judging by the adverts, you have to hit the shops for the LAST EVER, FINAL CLEARANCE sales before Armaggedon and there's nothing left come Tuesday.

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This woman must really be on her uppers. Sorry - I'll get my pumps.
Sue, London

Is this because it's no longer available on expenses?
Sarah, Ascot, Berkshire

I have heard that Barnacle geese are so named because people believed that they spent their early years as barnacles. This meant that they were clearly fish and therefore could be eaten on a Friday when meat was banned. Is this a myth?
Susan, Newcastle

I read the question Holiday time: Should leaders ever go away? in another way, especially when illustrated by pictures of Brown, Obama and Cameron.
Warren, Bristol

I sympathise with Nick Helm. I have trouble with logins that ask you for a memorable date. I've never been on a memorable date, they've all be disastrous.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Regarding this story, why hasn't she considered being croyogenically frozen? She would then get to see the future (not guaranteed).
Matt, Hillingdon

Christmas Watch - Christmas cards on sale in my local Paperchase - now, I love a long extended Christmas but before the August Bank Holiday?
Amy Turner, Norwich

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The question you might have been asking before your copy of the Daily Telegraph landed on the mat: "Just how big a picture of Kate Winslet and Richard Branson's mum can the paper fit on its front page?"

Paper Monitor has a tape measure to hand so is able to tell you that 6 x 11 inches is the answer. Compare that with the Metro which can find only 8 x 5 inches of La Winslet and Branson himself, poignantly wielding a tortoise.

The advantage of broadsheet over tabloid in one fell swoop - more Winslet, much more. The story of course was about Winslet rescuing Mrs Branson from the flames of the big house on the private island of Necker.

There is more serious news on page three of the Daily Mail. Model - and wife of sometime elf Orlando Bloom - Miranda Kerr has created a spike in coconut oil sales after attributing her blemish-free skin and glossy hair to the stuff.

At this point Paper Monitor wonders whether it could create its own sales spike by attributing its blemish-free and glossy copy to porridge. Just wondering.

Back to coconut oil and the newspaper does go on to say: "Experts have warned against drinking too much coconut oil as it contains high levels of saturated fat and calories."

Boo to the experts. Boo. Next they'll be telling us pina colada for breakfast isn't a good idea.

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

What do kite-flying and a pensioner's TV have in common? According to that's attracting readers, they both feature on a list of the "top ten barmy elf 'n' safety diktats". Apparently the flying of kites was banned on Bridlington beach in case one hits someone, with a £500 fine for anyone who dared try. In Colchester council staff were prohibited from taking an 85-year-old's TV to be recycled in case they hurt themselves.

Not the most popular but no doubt of interest to Magazine Monitor types is the news in the Wall Street Journal that . Well, ok, it's definitely not bad for you, or not as bad as emailing friends. Dr Lim, one of the authors of the report which has reached this conclusion explains why this is the case. He says that, when browsing the internet people "usually choose to visit only the sites that they like - it's like going for a coffee or snack break. Breaks of such nature are pleasurable, rejuvenating the web surfer." In contrast, replying to emails, even from friends, is "cognitively more demanding". Bosses of the world, are you listening?

Following the earthquake that struck the east coast of America, Slate readers are drawn to the article that asks . They needn't read too far for the short answer - "No." The longer answer is that "[T]he International Building Code's seismic provisions apply across the United States, but the specific requirements vary based on seismic hazard maps."

A popular article in the Telegraph reports on the fall-out over . The 30-ft (10m) tall statue, which will stand in the National Mall in Washington, has been carved by Lei Yixin in China. Although some feel the sculpture should have been crafted by an American, in particular a black American, others, including Dr King's son have argued that Yixin was the right man for the task. And it's no small task as the Telegraph points out: "More than 150 granite blocks, weighing some 1,600 tons, were then shipped from Xiamen to the port of Baltimore, and reassembled by a team of 100 workmen, including ten Chinese stone masons brought over specifically for the project."

"That pig can't hold its head still." In a New York Times article, evolutionary biology professor Daniel Lieberman describes his Eureka! moment. It occurred when he and a colleague, while watching a pig on a treadmill, realised that humans, unlike the animal in front of them, were able to keep their head still while running. This led them to investigate how .

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Hmmmm. Re this story, I love the fact that the prisoners allegedly "didn't have anything else on" justifies them nipping over to Ms Smith's house and doing her decorating. Of course, had they intended to have a round of golf or pop up to London to see a show, that might have been a very different matter...
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

In fact, there are only 8,699,999 species on the planet. The so-called water bear is clearly just an ordinary beetle in a fat suit.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

"Surge in number of 'Neet' youths - The proportion of 18-24-year-olds in England not in school, training or work rises to 18.4% ..." So, shouldn't that be "Not in Education, Employment, or Training" (although the two E's could of course be the other way around). Or are you referring to the notoriously-more-difficult-to-pronounce NSTW?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Rachel (Tuesday's letters) - in the 70s, Farmers' Weekly carried recipes for Canada geese as farmers were allowed to shoot them. Maybe you could find it online. Not sure if you have to be a farmer to blast away at the annoying birds
Susan.Thomas, Brisbane, Australia

The proper terminology for the defecating honkers mentioned by Rachel is Canada Geese, most certainly not Canadian Geese.
Dickie, NY, US

John Airey (Tuesday's letters) - I'm genuinely curious to know why do you hope you weren't bitten twice by the same mosquito. At least you'd know where it had been...
Sue, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Newsprint may not be the most environmentally-friendly medium, but the papers are doing their bit for recycling.

The splash in the Daily Express claims that public sector workers are despite spending cuts. The sub-heading reads: "Workers still have rises as the rest of us struggle."

Times certainly appear tough at the self-described "world's greatest newspaper". The story was on the front page of the previous day's Daily Telegraph.

The Independent, too, is unafraid to take inspiration from its rivals. It devotes two pages to - a subject tackled in the Telegraph.

One newspaper, however, seems determined to steer as far a course as possible from its rivals.

With most other titles splashing on Libya, the (published by Richard Desmond, who also owns Channel 5, broadcaster of Celebrity Big Brother) goes with "BB IN NEW BULLY SHOCK".

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It is definitely time to be allowed to kill *some* wild birds for consumption. Particularly the 16 Canadian geese sitting on my back-lawn, honking all hours and leaving their calling cards cunningly disguised as grass. Christmas is coming.
Rachel, Wayzata

"...all celebrity news coverage could be a trick of the light." Thank you Paper Monitor. That made me laugh aloud.
Sarah, Basel, Switzerland

Tuesday's : For Charlie Brooker to (a) publicly announce that he lied about his qualifications and (b) do so in the very publication that he now writes for speaks volumes for (a) the recruiting process used by said employer and (b) the calibre of people hired by said employer. At least to me it does.
Dec, Belfast

Who on earth volunteers to pose for these photos?
Basil Long, Nottingham

Would it be churlish to point out the rather wonderful nominative determinism in this story?
James, London

I assume Wendy's letter (Monday) was sent with nominative determinism?
Aqua Suliser, Bath

I have visited Africa, Asia and South America, but the only place I have been bitten by a mosquito (twice - hopefully not the same one) was here in Peterborough.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's hair day in the Daily Mail today.

Not bad hair, not good, not no hair, but all of the above.

Page three features David Beckham - WITH A BALD SPOT. The picture is alarming. The caption bears the legend "Beckham's neck tattoo points in the direction of his apparent bald patch".

But what's this in the third paragraph? "It could of course have been a trick of the light." Ah yes, what a charming "of course". It goes without saying that all celebrity news coverage could be a trick of the light.

At the bottom of the page, there's a serious health story about the cause of grey hair. It's stress apparently.

Although, it must be said that Paper Monitor sometimes finds reading page three of the Mail to be a stressful experience.

And that's not all. Even Richard Littlejohn is getting in on the hair topic.

He's enraged by an Albanian asylum seeker who's managed to get hair-loss treatment free on the NHS because his "thinning thatch" (Littlejohn's words) is causing him psychological problems.

Richard Littlejohn has a full head of hair.

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Re: the report on the £3bn "boost" to the UK economy from the cycling industry. the walking industry - footwear makers, cobblers, walking-stick boutiques etc - should not be ignored as the step-change in the "UK walking scene" has probably left a bigger footprint, not to mention the running industry.
Andrew Guest, London

Organised crime in Italy just got a lot less sinister - "Ian McKellen joins the Mafia."
Graham, Purmerend

Re: How dangerous is firing a gun into the air? Surely, in the scheme of things, it's safer to be the one with the gun than not?
Richard Tipple, via

Rob (Wednesday's letters) and Jimmy (Friday's letters), more importantly, he can wait five minutes (or hours if really dedicated) for shadows to move or the "right" light.
Tim Webb, Notts

"The idea is that the shark will be attracted to the bait and get caught on the hook." Surely, investigative journalism at its peak.
Rob, London, UK

Re: Why do so many disabled people embark on dangerous feats? Disabled people are damned if they do and damned if they don't . If they take on epic adventures, they are viewed upon as not disabled, if they don't do epic things, they are accused of not helping themselves. For some disabled people, managing to get to do their own shopping is an epic adventure.
Wendy Crossley, via

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

A popular Daily Mail article says a research team at Cornell University have set up a . They tested their algorithm on the site Trip Advisor which is meant to give travellers advice from other travellers but has been victim of businesses posing as customers. The article says the key to spotting a fake review is one with lots of adverbs like "really" and "very" along with exclamation marks which denote false enthusiasm, excessive use of superlatives and a lack of detail and description.

And here's a superlative for you - . That's who a popular Daily Beast article claims to have found. Irving Kahn is 105-years-old. Two of his sons in their 70s have retired but he carries on working. He started his career on Wall Street in the Great Depression which, the Daily Beast supposes, makes him a perfect person to lend a reassuring tone to anxious investors right now. And that reassurance comes in two forms - one that he managed to make money in the depression and the other, his prediction that technology will be sure to get the economy out of a similar depression far quicker than before.

Charlie Brooker gives some dubious advice in a well read Guardian article. He suggests to people who haven't got the A-Level grades they were after: "". He also reveals a little about his own university life - not getting the grades he needed but let into the course anyway before failing to graduate from a media studies degree. He divulges his secret is being "lucky enough to work in a field in which a lack of certificates (and talent) hasn't been a hindrance".

If lying your way to success and riches isn't your thing, a popular New Scientist story suggests manipulating the lottery might not be as hard as previously thought. "" the article promises. Claims by one consultant statistician Mohan Srivastava are that lots of lotteries are not actually random as those running them want to ensure a profit. What is astonishing about this article is when Srivastava found a way of predicting winning Ontario scratch cards he didn't profit but instead informed the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation.

Finally, a popular Wired story starts by saying . It then says something extraordinary. "Since then physicists have been trying to find a way to get around it and stop making rings. Now a group of University of Pennsylvania physicists have done it." The first reaction is surely to scroll to the top of the page and check the date stamp. But no, this isn't an old article experiencing resurgence in popularity. This article is from is August 2011. Which all means these physicists have spent 14 years on this. Have they not heard of a coaster?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Despite the eyes and lenses of the rest of the world's media being focused on the fighting in the Libyan capital of Tripoli, there can be little surprise that the Daily Express and Daily Star choose instead to continue their relentless coverage of stablemate Channel Five's Celebrity Big Brother.

But even the Star's "BIG BRO HUNK'S 5-IN-A-BED SEX ROMPS" turns out to be less than accurate. The first sentence (in much smaller print) reports that the hunk in question "aims to romp with four women in the house". "Aims to"? Not quite what the headline suggests, surely?

Another house in the news is the £8m Gothic revival house that Lord Mandelson's reported to be buying. While details of the house are limited beyond the fact that it's over four floors with three bedrooms and a wine cellar, it gives the Telegraph a chance to list his previous London abodes in the likes of Notting Hill and Primrose Hill, territory likely to be familiar with readers of the paper.

And amid the many images of men in military uniform accompanying the reports from Libya, there is room for one another uniform - that of the PM on holiday.

Whether in the rolling hills of Tuscany or the beaches of Cornwall, Mr Cameron favours the safety of a dark polo shirt, avoiding any opportunity for the press to pass judgement on his sartorial taste.

Or maybe he's hoping that he'll be deemed "thrifty" as his wife has been by the Daily Mail for sporting a dress that she'd worn before. Very Kate Middleton.

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