成人快手

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Ian Fleming never met the woman upon whom he based Miss Moneypenny.

2. Each year 40,000 people pay homage at the California garage where the founders of Hewlett Packard started out.

3. White people make up 90% of the UK's population.

4. Most popular musical instrument in schools? The violin.

5. Morgan Tsvangirai's surname is pronounced chang-girr-IGH.
More details

6. Much of the time it takes to fully train as an RAF pilot is taken up with solo flights.

7. Fabio Capello rings his mother every day.

8. Rice was once considered so important in Japan that it was worshipped as a god.

9. 4.4m apples are thrown away daily in the UK.

10. Belugas are the only white whales.

Sources, where story not linked - 7: Times, 8 April. 9: Sun, 8 April.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Julie Robinson, of Leicester, of 10 mannequins in Camden market.

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The complexities of the UK鈥檚 VAT system keep me in a job, so I'm happy that people are confused on the teacake issue. Funnily enough, plain biscuits are not subject to VAT, only those wholly or partially covered in chocolate. Also, in regards to - you'll pay the tax on your chippies at the weekend as this is the supply of hot takeaway food - so subject to VAT.
Fiona, Glasgow

Re Mike of Newcastle upon Tyne鈥檚 rule that if it can be dunked (Thursday letters), it鈥檚 a biscuit: I've just seen a guy in my office buy an oversize mug, filled it with tea and dunk a full quarter of a Victoria sponge in it...
Tony Doyle, Holmes Chapel, UK

My daughter can and
will dunk a sausage in her
drink of orange squash
Can Mike from Newcastle make a determination on its VAT status?
Ian

Re cake or biscuit: if it goes soft over time it's a biscuit, if it goes hard it's a cake. All with reference to flour-based sweet snacks, you understand.
John Brown, Belgium

Humph. Frankly anything from M&S Simply Food is a luxury and should be VATed accordingly. Said teacakes are totally covered in chocolate, for heaven's sake. I don't think that was what was envisaged when the original luxuries v essentials list was compiled.
Lucy Jones, Manchester
Monitor pedant note: A teacake is, by its very definition, encased in chocolate 鈥� Tunnocks, M&S, the lot. The thought of which does set the tastebuds a-tingle... anyone for a cuppa?

Anyone thinking of visiting the new swingers club in North Devon to enjoy some 鈥渟exy fun鈥� (Paper Monitor), be warned: a visit to the website tells you that chewing gum is banned from the premises.
Killjoys.
Sue, not North Devon, sadly

Regarding jumbled newspaper giveaways (Paper Monitor), I would imagine an eco-friendly Independent reader would be quite apoplectic if they received the DVD "A Guide to British Tits" from the Sun instead of from their more politically correct newspaper.
Alan Addison, Glasgow, UK

If only the Caption Competition was back (pt 5): Some people were surprised by Andrew Lloyd Webber鈥檚 departure from type for the final choice for the part of Oliver.
Kat, London

If only caption competition was back, I鈥檓 sure we would be reading: "On the command 'Play with Your Balls', the Household Cavalry immediately turned their backs."
The Therapist, Portsmouth, UK

Re How to Say: I don't know if this *is* within your powers, but can you please sort out your presenters' pronunciation of the word 鈥渉omage鈥�? This word was anglicised many centuries ago, after it came over with the Normans, but so many 成人快手 presenters seem to think it requires a French pronunciation. They change it from *hom*ij to om*marge*. The most serious offender is Graham Norton, and I've heard it crop up all over the 成人快手, from Radio One DJs (Scott Mills, just the other day) to Fiona Bruce on the Six O'Clock News. It appals me that so many professionals are so clueless about the pronunciation, and only look to each other to verify how a word should be pronounced. Please tell me that you can do something about this 成人快手-wide. People look to the 成人快手 presenters to guide them on pronunciation too, so I would not be at all surprised to discover that a whole generation of young people now believes this word is French and needs to be pronounced with a French accent.
Helen Horlsley, Bristol

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It's been too long since the Monitor has indulged in some Friday fun. But with thunderstorms closing in on Monitor Towers, plans for that al fresco lunch have evaporated faster than place cards at the planned opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.

Which leads us to the task in hand. Despite being four months away, on 8 August, it seems various statesfolk and dignitaries are discovering, most inconveniently, that they've double booked on the day.

First we hear the French president Nicolas Sarkozy won't be at the event, then it's Gordon Brown (though he is to attend the closing ceremony) and now it's UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. Poor chap is up against "scheduling issues", we're told. Has he not heard of Google Calendar?

But hey, it'll be summer and that means weddings, holidays, water pistol fights... all of which have to be "scheduled". So readers are cordially invited to share the details of their social engagements for 8 August 2008 that - should the invitation drop on the doormat 鈥� would, in the most diplomatic way possible, preclude them from being in Beijing on said date.

The best of your excuses are posted below.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

As stories go, it's a cracker. No, not thinking of the judges slapping wrists over the BAE bribery investigation, although that is quite a technicolour dreamcoat of a tale. (What a week it's been for the courts, what with this, Mr Justice Eady's efforts with Max Mosley, and the .)

It's the Devon farmer who's heeded official advice to diversify and has converted a barn into a sexy den for swingers' parties - a man who expects little local opposition, seeing as it's a "Liberal voting area", reports the Times.

But his neighbours are not quite as broadminded as might be hoped, and say they will not join in the adult fun: "It would be quite awkward walking into the village shop in the morning and bumping into someone you'd got frisky with the night before." Quite.

Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph is in the midst of a Thatcherfest, with a special series of articles running all week and a giveaway of eight - count 'em, eight - DVDs charting her political and personal life. Did we mention that her official biographer is Charles Moore, former editor of said organ?

And what the baroness is to Telegraph readers, Leonard Cohen is to Guardianistas. Seemingly every day his craggy visage peeps from the paper's masthead, alongside yet another chance to win tickets to his gig.

Wouldn't it be a lark if somehow, through a mix-up involving posties, a Telegraph reader received the Cohen tickets intended for a Guardian reader of the same name, who unwrapped a package of Thatcher DVDs? The mind wanders to other jumbled giveaways that could produce similar levels of apoplexy...

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Jo Kim of the 成人快手 Pronunciation Unit.

One of the names that has been frequently mentioned in the news of late is Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the Movement for Democratic Change in Zimbabwe.

The Pronunciation Unit's recommendation of Tsvangirai's surname is chang-girr-IGH (-ch as in church; -ng-g as in finger; -irr as in mirror; -igh as in high). This recommendation has recently stirred up public and media interest, inside and outside the 成人快手 (, because of different opinions of how the Shona -tsv cluster should be pronounced in English.

Although written with the same Roman alphabet, the -tsv consonant cluster in Shona is not equivalent to -tsv in English (as in the phrase "its vanguard" minues the "i"); Shona has what are commonly referred to as "whistling" fricatives ("s" and "z"), which sound and are produced differently from English "s" and "z". The "v" does not have the same quality as English "v"; for many Shona speakers, the "v" in -tsv is co-articulated; that is to say, the quality of the "v" adjusts to that of the neighbouring consonants.

In the case of the anglicisation of foreign names, when the 成人快手 is not able to verify the pronunciation preferred by the person concerned, we consider a number of factors before making a recommendation:
the phonetics and phonology of the relevant language
the opinions of native speakers on how they might expect it to be anglicised, and
the ease of pronunciation for our broadcasters.

Our original recommendation TSVANG-girr-igh was made following consultation with our colleagues in Network Africa. In 2000, a journalist, who personally knew Tsvangirai, contacted the Unit to advise us that chang-girr-IGH was a more preferable anglicisation (-ch as in church; with stress on the last syllable).

We also consulted native speakers of Shona at the Zimbabwe High Commission who favoured the anglicisation chang-girr-IGH. Our Zimbabwean colleague also confirmed that while neither English "tsv" or "ch" sounds were equivalent to the Shona -tsv, producing the Shona -tsv cluster as an English "ch" (as in church) was acceptable.

(To download the 成人快手 Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.)

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For those seeking pictorial proof to the answer to Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz, here Olympic hopeful, Lucy Boulton, practices as the Household Cavalry change the guard.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the index.

"His lips swelled up and he looked like Baloo the bear from the Jungle Book" - Kieron Saunders' mother Maria after the boy suffered burns in a tanning salon.

Kieron Saunders, 13, suffered severe burn blisters after he spent 21 minutes in a tanning booth at an unmanned salon. His mother Maria was horrified at his injuries and unhappy at the lack of staff at the salon, which did have signs banning under-16s and warning people to spend no more than six minutes under the lights.

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If only the Caption Competition were back I'd find myself typing something like, Devil in a red dress tries to recruit George Clooney to her evil army of the living dead with her death stare but inexplicably missed and ends up giving the girl in yellow the infamous red halo.
Dan, London

If only the Caption Competition was back I'd say: "lucky b*".
Ty, Jersey

Did anyone else notice that in "If only the Caption Competition was Back (pt 5)" the dresses get shorter as the women get closer to George??
Emma, London

OK you win. with spanking and a tea break beats our hand of with one prostitute on a boat.
Candace, New Jersey, US

I thought you'd like to know that you just saved me hundreds of pounds! Paul Greggor's letter alerted me to the liquidation of Oasis (with whom I'd just booked a flight) and a quick call to my bank has ensured that they won't see my money. Thanks, Magazine!
Edward Green, London, UK

Great meetings you wish you'd been in on - ?
J Rogers, Maidsone, Kent

How exactly does the government justify that cake is NOT a luxury item and not liable to VAT, yet razors and women's sanitary products ARE deemed as luxuries and therefore VAT levied?
R Shaw, UK

My rule is, if you can dunk it, it's a biscuit. This doesn't include very small pork pies, of course.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

RE . I thought it contained .
Suzi, Portsmouth

A haiku in honour of our own Paper Monitor.
Letters each PM:
Funny names, where's Caption Comp?
I will get my coat.
Helene Parry, S Wales ex-pat to Brentford

Inspired by haikus
I send Monitor e-mails
For dele(cta)tion.
Violet, Leicester

Coffee made of poo
Gordon Brown seen on A.I.
No punorama?
Sarah, Uxbridge

I was most amused
By today's "quote of the day"
I thought you should know.
Sophie, Belfast, Ireland

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George Clooney, centre, with contestants from 成人快手 One's I'd Do Anything. Quite.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Inspired by the Quote of the Day, Paper Monitor is on a mission - to find poetry in today's papers.

And, this being the 21st Century, Paper Monitor reserves the right to use punctuation,
and spacing to
make the rhyme
(and may
if need be have no
rhyme at
all).

First stop, the Daily Telegraph with its story of a girl and a snowman. And like Raymond Briggs' much-loved tale of the lonely boy who fashions a friend out of snow and a vivid imagination, it ends in tears.

"The snowman
and snowdog took
pride of place outside
a corner store until
a gang of girls
including
Dakota Blue Richards
demolished them."

The Times has the tale of a pensioner who travelled from Land's End to John O'Groats by local bus.

"All
but one
bus driver let him collect
donations from other
passengers."

And looking for an article to match Mr Justice Eady's effort at a haiku, Paper Monitor turns to the Sun (short sentences, pithy observations - perfect for the form).

"Judges must show con-
victed thugs by handing out
stiff sentences which mean business."

Not quite 5-7-5.

"拢5bn hubby and wife
held, heir to Tetra Pak nicked
with crak (and smak)"

Harder than it looks, this poetry lark.

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"The very brief extracts which I was shown seemed to consist mainly of people spanking each other's bottoms" - Mr Justice Eady as the High Court refused to grant an injunction stopping the News of the World posting a 90-second video showing F1 boss Max Mosley with five prostitutes on its website.

It's almost a haiku. The precise beauty of legal language turns to poetry in the mouth of this High Court judge as he describes the footage shown during the hearing, noting that it is "very brief, containing shots of Mr Mosley taking part in sexual activities with five prostitutes, and it also covers the tea break". A tea break? How very county club cricket. Apart from the spanking. And the prison garb. And the rest... except the tea.

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If Stonehenge was once , we can only hope they specialised in hernias.
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

Re . Why? Did they think Knut was a teddy bear? He's a born predator, for Pete's sake.
Ellie Bennett, Edinburgh, UK

Re This says it all. Not to mention the massive drop in sales of fat ties with giant knots and hair gel that will ensue as their commission dwindles.
Stuart, London

Re : Did it run into a wonderwall?
Paul Greggor, London

Re - where oh where is Punorama when we need it?
Sarah, Uxbridge

Is this an example of the 成人快手 dumbing down? "Lunt... has been repeatedly targeted by vandals who change the 'L' to a 'C'." Surely anyone who knows even a smattering of the English language doesn't need this explained?
Chris G, London

just keep getting younger, don't they?
Dave Godfrey, Swindon

Paper Monitor obviously isn't a big Eastenders fan. The Brannings, with their two snotty children and bland personalities are supposed to be representative of the young successful couple. Apparently Tanya (the yummy mummy who runs her own salon) is only 31...
J, London

Dear Paper Monitor,
didn't Colin count? The funniest line I remember was him shouting "I'm not a bloody yuppie".
Ed, Clacton, UK

"But despite predictions that a price slump will spell doom for house porn TV programming, Phil and Kirstie need not look for new jobs just yet," says Paper Monitor. I wonder what set of statistics were extrapolated to make that fact...
A face in the crowd, Maidstone, Kent

Surely the ducks in prison would've been up before the Beak.
JFK, UK

How does Boris Johnson tell a from an agnostic one?
Mark, Reading

How can be one of the nation's favourite landmarks? The picture is St Stephen's Tower and Big Ben is the bell, which few people have seen. I'll get my anorak.
Jonathan Jones, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It may be lampooned as the stuff of dinner party conversations, but Britons love to talk house prices. And with figures out showing that average house prices have fallen by 2.5% in March, this offers considerable scope to talk.

The deep and abiding interest in said prices - and the effect on the national mood - is easy to explain, says the Times. "The equity in our homes has trebled over the past decade to 拢2.5 trillion - more than twice the value of outstanding mortgages."

But despite predictions that a price slump will spell doom for house porn TV programming, Phil and Kirstie need not look for new jobs just yet. The paper's analyst expects that while more people will sit tight themselves, they'll be sitting tight watching other people move house on TV property shows.

The Sun, too, ties its coverage to the telly, in using soap characters instead of real people in its case studies.

First-time buyers Tyrone and Molly, who bought in fictional Weatherfield, greater Manchester, at the market's peak last summer, may well face negative equity.

The Sugdens, dairy farmers in what could be Yorkshire, are likely to face rising rents on the farm they lease.

And Dot, a pensioner in the East End, will suffer as she's on a fixed income. "But at least she owns her own home - in a now trendy part of London - and its value will have grown hugely down the years."

Paper Monitor has long wondered why the producers of EastEnders, usually so willing to court conflict whenever possible with the Square's comings and goings, have yet to introduce a screamingly yuppie family as the latest incomers.

An East End square, close to the Tube, with lots of lovely Victorian terraces crying out for renovation? Phil and Kirstie would have been banging on doors long ago on behalf of Sophie, Henry and the twins Joshua and Isabella.

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"It probably wouldn't be much good if you were a Secretary of State in Peckham" - Michael Bloch QC comments on a Stormtrooper outfit in the Lucasfilm court case.

Despite the menace of a real Stormtrooper hanging over him in court, Michael Bloch QC points out that the outfit wouldn't be all that protective in outer space or inner cities. British designer Andrew Ainsworth of Twickenham, London, is accused of copyright infringement. Mr Ainsworth made costumes for the original 1977 Star Wars film and has come into Lucasfilm's sights by continuing to manufacture and sell them independently. Cue lots of reporting of George Lucas' company reacting with the swiftness of an Imperial force moving to crush a rebel uprising. The case continues.
(Times)

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, unfortunately they didn't escape with miner injuries.
Stuart, Croydon

Why did the Sun bother with a "cut-out-and-keep" Olympic torch (Paper Monitor)? Just rolling up the whole paper and seting light to it be much easier, and much more satisfying.
Doug B, Caerphilly, Wales

I cut out the torch that "never goes out" as mentioned in Paper Monitor and it only lasted seconds after I lit it.
Ed, Clacton, UK

. I suppose next week there will be a story about what they do in the woods...
Jacob, London

Charlie (Monday's letters), obviously it is a manniversary.
Debster, Twickenham UK

In reply to Charlie of London, the masculine of "nanniversary" is possibly "billiversary"
Grumpy Goat, Dubai, UAE

Stig (Monday's letters) asks what the ducks were in prison for. I've no idea but I bet they were put there by the bill.
Mike, London

Stig, maybe it was possession of quack cocaine. Sorry.
Clare, UK

What were the ducks in for? They were doing bird, of course.
Fred, Rotherham

"It wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a portrait of me hanging in Kensington Palace in 100 years time," says the every day. It wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't either.
Paul, Manchester, UK

Can you be accused of making a mountain out of a molehill in Ireland if ?
David, Gateshead

Reading the headline on , I missed the word "details". But instead of being shocked I just accepted it as a sign of the times we live in.
Alan Addison, Glasgow, UK

? Doesn't that sound like it's going to be the most boring story of the day?
Rob, Birmingham, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With the Diana inquest verdict in, Paper Monitor's instant response is to turn to that great organ of conspiracy theory 鈥� the Daily Express. For perhaps two years the Express has trumpeted the line of Mohamed Al Fayed that Diana had been murdered. With the jury finding nothing of the sort, does the Express hold its hands up and admit it was wrong? No chance. Instead, it manages to twist the unlawful killing verdict to its advantage 鈥� "DIANA WAS UNLAWFULLY KILLED", speculating that the finding leaves the way clear for Mr Al Fayed to pursue a private prosecution against the paparazzi in France.

There's a sympathetic hearing for Mr Al Fayed inside, with a piece headlined: "Forgotten grief of a father".

No such sentiments in the Daily Mail, where Diana obsessives of a different stripe can read about why "this foul mouthed bully [no prizes for guessing who its talking about here] should leave Britain and peddle his poison elsewhere".

The following page we're told how the late princess' "most intimate secrets have been cruelly exposed鈥� her dignity torn to shreds" by the process. And, of course, the Mail steadfastly resisted reporting all such details on principle (see pic, above).

With the Olympic torch relay in turmoil, the Sun does its bit to keep the flame burning, providing readers with a cut-out-and-keep Olympic flame that "never goes out". The Mirror, meanwhile, has been doing some digging on the army of track-suited security guards who phalanx the flame on its outings. The men are apparently "highly-trained killers from crack military special forces units".

Aesthetes reeling from the thought that the Chinese secret police could be taking a fashion lead from Vicky Pollard, will be further discomforted by the sight of Mrs Wayne Rooney-to-be ripping off Audrey Hepburn.

As the Magazine has, La Hepburn's delicate sexuality has earned her a hallowed place in the hearts of discerning men and women. And here comes a brassy WAG trying to assume all those values simply by donning a tiara and diamond necklace. Just you wait Ms McLoughlin鈥� Paper Monitor can almost hear Allison Pearson/Amanda Platell priming their Daily Mail keyboards for some acerbic comment.

Lastly, just time for a game of HDWKIT 鈥� How Do We Know It's Tuesday 鈥� the sister challenge of How Do We Know It's Monday and How Do We Know It's Thursday, whereby Paper Monitor imagines its memory of the date has been wiped and it sets out to determine what day of the week it is purely from stories press released by weekly publications. Tuesday is Radio Times day 鈥� and both the Telegraph and the Sun come up trumps with stories from RT interviews. The former has a history professor saying hoodies date back to medieval times; the latter a confession from TV's Gok Wan that he doesn't like styling men.

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"I knew it was illegal but so what? Emotions take over." - John Deaves, 61, who has had a baby with his own daughter.

Australian Jenny Deaves, 39, describes what she has going with her boyfriend as being like a regular sexual relationship with any man. Except that he's her father and a judge has banned them from having sex. Her parents split up while she was a baby and she was reuinted with her father John in 2000. They both left their partners to move in together and have had a healthy baby, having lost an earlier child to congenital heart disease. "We are just asking for a little bit of respect and understanding" says Ms Deaves.
(Guardian)

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I've got to ask, what were in for?
Stig, London, UK

Re - surely any Parisian ne'er do well could end a pursuit very quickly by simply running up (or down) an escalator? Or across a large drain cover? Or, um, a cattle grid?
Sue, London

Could you please ask Fred from Rotherham (Friday's letters) what the masculine of a "nanniversary" is?
Charlie, London, UK

In an article about astronomy () Prof Keith Mason says that "Everything we do has a very high blue-skies content". Odd for a field I associate with the night.
Chris Clarke, Tunbridge Wells

Re: 10 things we didn't know last week, number 10. My two daughters (11 and 12 years old) are considerably more than 1cm taller than they were 10 years ago. I put this down to plenty of fruit and veg and exellent parenting.
Jimlad, Paris, France

"As the host country for the 2012 Olympics that is coming up, I will attend the Olympics as I hope many others do" - so thinks he's a country now, does he?
Chris Duncalf, High Wycombe, Bucks

To Ross of Essex (Friday's letters). It is perfectly possible to be a consultant in general medicine and on the specialist register. Most physicians take two qualifications - one speciality plus general (internal) medicine. Many, many diagnoses fall between two camps and a sound knowledge of general medicine makes for a properly rounded physician.
GPs are true "generalists" - they do paediatrics, surgery, gynaecology, dermatology, medicine, infectious diseases etc etc. Although the world "general" seems to strike you as odd it is still a specific area of medicine.
Sara, Manchester

John Cunningham is actually a nephrologist. I suspect the 成人快手 has had to dumb down its description of his medical expertise, as some people will be unable to appreciate that kidney specialists tend to be experts in general medicine as well.
Mrin, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There's something a little unsettling about the phrase "someone is trying to grab the torch from Konnie Huq", although Paper Monitor can't quite explain why it feels so. The Sun pictures the moment when the former Blue Peter presenter found herself at the epicentre of a major diplomatic incident. Among the other torchbearers it depicts are Sir Trevor McDonald, Paula Radcliffe, Kevin Pietersen and Denise Lewis.

But where, oh where, is Vanessa Mae? The million-selling classical/pop violinist with Thai/Chinese parenthood is surely the ultimate cross-cultural figure. Yet there seems to be no pictorial record whatsoever of her torch carrying duties yesterday.

To be honest, it's a struggle to find a picture of Denise Van Outen, although the Mirror and Star eventually come good on this front.

Apart from fire, the other big story of the day is ice鈥� in this case the rare incidence of what's known as South East Snow. It's an offspring of that other climatic phenomenon Daily Express Weather. And sure enough the Express delivers with a front page headline that "Britain is colder than Alaska". And this is a really nice touch 鈥� juxtaposing a picture of Brighton beach on April 7 last year (hundreds of people enjoying the sun and unseasonal balmy weather) with yesterday's scene at the same place: a desolate scene but for two children building a snowman.

There's another instalment in the tale of the newly invigorated Travelodge publicity machine in today's Daily Mirror 鈥� with a story that Coldplay is the "preferred music choice to send us to sleep at night".

And finally, time for Paper Monitor to offload a bugbear from its school days 鈥� those people who used to mistakenly refer to Spitting Image as Spitting Images. The launch of ITV's new Sunday night satire Headcases draws comparisons to the puppet show, and sees the Independent and Times add that rogue plural.

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"I have a face that belongs in another century" - Charlton Heston

Having been cast for roles such as Judah Ben-Hur, El Cid, Moses and Michaelangelo, you can see what the late Charlton Heston was driving at with this comment. Heston, of course, had an ear for the quoteable - cf "from my cold, dead hands" - and concluded his third book, In the Arena, with an amalgam of quotes from famous Americans: "I have a dream. I refuse to accept the end of man. I believe he will endure. He will survive. Man is immortal, not because alone of God's creatures he has a voice, but because he has a soul... a spirit capable of compassion... and sacrifice... and endurance. About America and Americans, this is particularly true. It is a fabulous country, where miracles not only happen, they happen all the time. As a nation, we have, perhaps uniquely, a special willness of the heart."
More details ( and )

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