PC GREEN:(whispers)What鈥檚 everyone having for lunch?
PC BENNETT:What you having for lunch?
GUV:Key plot points of Meera Syal鈥檚 Anita & Me! Note pads out please.
Where? Tollington, West Midlands.
Not many jobs or much money about.
When? The 60鈥檚 forward slash 70鈥檚. Note this down please: Meena and her parents are the only Indian family that reside there - which was still something rather unusual for a small, white, working-class neighbourhood like Tollington. Meena was born here and although forming bonds with some elderly neighbours, she doesn鈥檛 have anyone she considers a proper friend.
PC GREEN:Hang on. The book鈥檚 called Anita and Me. Who鈥檚 Anita? A friend, surely?
GUV:Patience, please, Green. We start with Meena Kurma at 9 years old, being dragged to the local shop by her Papa. Meena鈥檚 parents do not like it when she lies, ok? And right now, she has a pocket full of contraband sweets and Papa wants to know why.Guv points to the screen with her remote, hits play.
PC BENNETT: (writing out loud)A liar and a criminal.
PC GREEN:(writing out loud)Typical kid.
Meena sits on her doorstep scoffing sweets surreptitiously. A skin head walks past, Sam Lowbridge.
SAM: Hello Meeeeenaaaah鈥
MEENA: Hi Sam.
GUV:Here comes Sam Lowbridge, a bad boy, who鈥檚 always friendly towards her.
Meena鈥檚 Mama and Papa come outside. Mama picks herbs.
MAMA:Do you remember the smell of the herbs in India?
PAPA: Ah yes, I miss it so.
MEENA:Can we have fishfingers for tea?
MAMA:Take the best from their culture, not the worst.
Mama and Papa head into the house, flirting and kissing.
PC GREEN: S鈥檊otta be tough on Meena having never experienced the India her parents pine for.
Anita swoops in, pinching the sweets off an awe struck Meena.
GUV:Uh oh
ANITA:Yow coming then?
GUV:The dreaded Anita Rutter - a couple of years Meena鈥檚 senior.
PC GREEN:I鈥檓 just pleased Meena鈥檚 got a friend.
GUV:You might not be saying that soon.
Anita does not treat Meena with respect, but then again, shedoesn鈥檛 treat anyone with respect.
Meena sits on the sofa, her parents next to her whispering.
PAPA:Your Mama is having a baby, a little brother or sister for you to play with. Would you like that?
MEENA: No.
GUV:Meena sneaks way from an important family gathering called Diwali鈥
SHANE:Oh I love Diwali, my neighbours celebrate it - it鈥檚 like a big festival; bright lights, fireworks, singing and eating. It鈥檚 sort of our equivalent to Christmas.
GUV:Very good yeah - you new?
SHANE:Been here two years Guv.
PC GREEN:Where did she sneak to Guv?
GUV: The Fair.
PC BENNETT:Won鈥檛 her parents be cross?
Meena watches her heavily pregnant Mum being carried out.
GUV:Meena鈥檚 parents are distracted luckily, by the birth of their son.
Meena reads Twinkle, Anita, Jackie. Meena copies Anita.
GUV:Sunil Kumar, Meena鈥檚 baby brother takes all of Mama and Papa鈥檚 attention, so Meena is unchecked to spend time with Anita, who is a bad influence - no question of that.
Meena now reads Jackie with some badly applied lipstick on. Meena puts pen to paper and starts writing a letter.
MEENA:(writing as she speaks) Dear Cathy and Claire. I am brown, although I do not wear thick glasses. Will this stop me getting a guy? Yours, Tense Nervous Headache from Tollington.
PAPA:(calling from downstairs) Meena, your cousins are here, come and play with them. They鈥檙e good examples of Indian girls.Meena rolls her eyes.
GUV:Meena and Anita steal a charity box from a local shop.
Meena successfully blames her goody two-shoes cousins, Baby and Pinky.
PC GREEN:I鈥檓 so disappointed in Meena.
PC BENNETT:Told you that Anita was a bad influence
GUV:But Anita鈥檚 impressed and that鈥檚 all Meena cares about right now.
SHANE:Did the magazine get back to her?
GUV:Only to suggest wearing a foundation to lighten her skin, and to love herself.
Tuts and gasps from the team.
Along with her Papa, Meena attends a local fete where tensions about race arise, instigated by Sam Lowbridge. In an ugly scene he objects to charity money going to help "darkies"鈥
SHANE:Unbelievable. What did the other bystanders say?
GUV:A few agreed with Sam. But worse than that, Meena鈥檚 new BFF Anita was thoroughly impressed by Sam.
PC GREEN:Meena needs better friends.
GUV:Correct Green. And you鈥檙e in luck.
One comes along in the form of Namina, Meena鈥檚 Mama鈥檚鈥 Mama so鈥
SHANE: Meena鈥檚 Gran?
GUV:Meena鈥檚 Gran! Exactly. Meena鈥檚 Gran, Namina, and Meena, despite the fact they鈥檝e never met, hit it off immediately.Namina giggles as she whispers something to Papa who laughs.
PAPA:She thinks you鈥檙e wild and uncivilized.
MEENA:Thank you Namina!
PAPA:It wasn鈥檛 a compliment.
PC GREEN: Makes a change from being criticized.
GUV:Namina鈥檚 visit helps Meena in a nmber of ways. She learns to love her brother, and is surprised at how protective she is of her newest BFF, her Gran, Namina.
Sam Lowbridge saunters up to Meena鈥檚 who鈥檚 clearly worried for Namina. They have a conversation.
GUV:But, perhaps most importantly, Meena realises the heavy sacrifices that her parents made to come to England - to give her a better life.
Whatever Meena said to Sam worked as he walks away.
GUV:Next year, Meena must pass the 11+ exam in order to get into the grammar school. She鈥檚 worried that if she fails, the 5,000 mile trip her parents made all those years ago will end up be even more disappointing than it is already.
GUV:So next, Anita鈥檚 Mum, Deirdre, abandons Anita and her sister Tracey to live with a butcher. This is the first and only time Meena sees Anita cry.
PC GREEN:Well, despite Anita鈥檚 bad behavior, she is still a kid too. She must be so sad.
GUV:Even though they鈥檝e always disapproved of Anita, Meena鈥檚 parents invite her round for tea.
Anita鈥檚 shocked to see the Kumar鈥檚 using their hands to eat.
ANITA:Where鈥檚 me knife and fork?
PAPA:Eat with your hand. Right ,for the right bite.
MEENA:It鈥檚 how people eat in top places.
PC BENNETT:
Her parents won鈥檛 like her lying.
PAPA:All the expensive restaurants are now finger only.
GUV:Now, work begins on a motorway which will be running through Tollington. The news cameras, plus the fact the work has an Indian overseer, gives Sam Lowbridge even more reasons to be racist. Shortly afterwards the Indian overseer is viciously attacked.
GUV:And surprise, surprise, it鈥檚 Sam Lowbridge - Anita鈥檚 new boyfriend - and his gang that carried it out. Shortly after that Meena breaks her leg and is in hospital for months.
She studies hard for her 11+ and she becomes very close with another patient, Robert. They communicate by note.
PC GREEN: Aw, so romantic.
GUV:Right you two, stop flirting.
GUV:The night before the 11+ exam, Meena gets embroiled in yet more mess鈥
PC BENNETT:Damnit. Thought we鈥檇 seen the back of Anita Rutter.
GUV:It鈥檚 Anita鈥檚 sister Tracey who comes to find Meena as she鈥檚 worried Anita鈥檚 in trouble but they discover her in the bushes with Sam Lowbridge.
Sam looks down at Meena.
SAM:I鈥檝e always liked you Meena. You鈥檙e the best wench in Tollington.
You鈥檙e dead funny. It鈥檚 the others I got a problem with.
MEENA:I am the others.
GREEN/BENNETT/SHANE: Wahooo!/Sock it to him!
GUV:Then鈥 big dramatic plot shock! Anita's sister Tracey nearly drowns in a horrible accident.
POLICE OFFICER:Are you sure falling in the river was an accident? Sam Lowbridge blames Anita Rutter and Anita blames Sam.
MEENA:It was an accident.
GUV: The end.
ALL: Whaaat?
GUV:Only pulling your plonkers. Meena is allowed to sit her exam, she passes and she and her parent move away from Tollington and Anita forever.
The team cheer.
PC GREEN:So does she end up getting together with that lovely Robert from the hospital?
GUV:Are you joking? Read the book Green!
GUV: I鈥檓 disappointed in you.