A Finger of Fudge
It's always the case isn't it? You wait around trying to text, call, fax and harrass Noel Gallagher to come back on to your little radio show, then you travel half-way around the world and there he is, just chilling with his nipples and remixing in L.A.... Happens all the time!
The last show got a bit busy with guests galore, it was a live broadcast spanning across the seas linking L.A. to London. My favourite part had to be Matt engaging in an "8-mile style" face-off with the opera singer. I think that if it had been allowed to go any further then somebody's "sneakers would've gotten trashed" (Whatever that means!).
Another point of discussion, was the recent discovery stating that the length of your ring-finger affect your personality (when compared to that of your index finger). Apparently if you have a larger ring finger, then you are considered to be more suited for a job as an Airport customs official.
This week (since watching "There Will be Blood"), I have mostly been shouting "Drainage" to random strangers.
The Spinal 'Tap'
Picture a distance in Meridians,
Time difference in opinions,
Accustomed to the Customs,
Back with a robustness for the millions,
Experience the South Central.... swimming pool of the mansion,
Expanding the midget nipples, Kenicke giving Noel action,
In an operatic fashion, egos massaged by ring-finger interaction,
Russell-isms remaining hidden, Gay-A enlistments with a passion,
So relax now,
For this will all be done,
And "all done" this will all be,
Mechanically seperated by the sea,
Yet congregated for you and me.
Well it looks like rain here today......
Jeremy Vine took the news very well that Russells had a t shirt printed sayin,
"Vine for president,
Jeremy is the man!"
Jez was right to disclaim that he had nothin to do with the;
"Get out of IRAQ" t shirt
as a responsible broadcaster reflecting a balanced perspective of the UK, it would be wrong for the 成人快手 to endorse such a radical statement.
But as Russell is in LA and the t shirt he sports seems in keeping with the street culture, as so many local boys are being lynched into the American forces. Given misplaced hopes of glory.
He likes to have a voice no matter how little.
Hey!
I laughed my head off about he comparison of Russ,s nips, to jelly tots, ah, how cute.
It was funny havin Noel in the show, with his three swimming pools and 98cents batteries.
Russ are you going to get my darling SANDLEY, Adam to come on the radio show?
That would be lovely, ah the joy that man has given us women, in his love films.
My fave was the wedding singer,
it really was like that in the eighties.
The way that guy looks into a girls eyes on screen is enough to make anyones heart melt.
I love that guy.
Russell,
can you get Shassa to take some photos of you in your LA mansion.
Whenever LA mansions come on the telly, I tell my son that thats where you are...
Get some of you diving in the pool, ha ha that would be funny.
PLEASE
Its really hard knowin you are out there in the sunshine, avin fun when we,re stuck to pulling our coats up round our chins and putting our gloves on.
Keepin it real, not really,
Becxxxxx
Russell don't leave us, we miss you. please don't take maffoo and gee from us as well, sniff, sniff!
Sowee for that lickle emotional outburst guys, all this nipple talk and not a russy-breast in sight! love the show i agree gee, maffoo makes a great singer.
luvooooooooo katie x
Another eccentric show! they're getting crazier and crazier. Noel G is just hilarious! Also a question for Mr Gee, what was the name of that show that you're in? i diddn't catch it.
keep up the good work
Ray Darcy is coming to get you...........
Hello u lovely bulnch,
What an awful day, really disgraceful weather!!!
I got dumped at the weekend!!! Couldnt believe it was getting on so well with my match.com and then he just goes all weird and quiet on me, sending me a text to say it was over WHAT A SWINE!!! He was just jealous of my feelings for Russell ha ha!! Just before my birthday as well how very dare he!!! Ah well never mind he had ears that stuck out and drove a scoda that did nothing for my street cred!! Anyway just finised reading Russells book, Thankyou Russell for being so honest about your bi polar i work with people with this and you gave lus all an insight into this distressing illness, you are a tonic, will you and come and manage our Menatal Health Service?? Ha Ha wuv you just a quick blog today while im on my lunch.
loadsalove and cuddly stuff
Kara xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well its bin very rainy dark and cold and stormy ere in unpredictable bighty.
Now its blue sky and radiant, ooh Britain is a coy place to live, you never know where you are.
In some ways this country is horribly predictable, with its own foiballs much like LA I would imagine, but in other ways it changes with the wind.
I spose the nature of life is fairly unpredictable inn some ways. And in others predictable. Depends where youre lucky enough to be born. Slums in Sao Paolo, unpredictable, British suburbia, predictable. I guess we all manage what comes to us in our day to make the best of what we av.
After all we all av to breath, eat and sleep.
The other stuff is all relative.
Twould be nice if there were the basics around the world, you know, like food and water, and a safe place to put yer ead down. Then afyter that we could discuss the relevance of what we doo with our time and what we must face as an individual and as a group of folk.
Evening you lovely bunch!!
I nearly got blown over in that gail force wind!!
After reading the above message i agree that as a British Nation we love to moan about the little bit of extreme weather we have, imagine if we had to go through what New Orleans went through or any other disaster ridden country. We need to get over it Stop moaning Britain for Christ Sake we have every thing we need!!!
Been on auto pilot today a bit blue after been dumped by Nige the match.com guy. I think i bring out the arsehole in guys, they start off being all attentive and lovely `il cook you breakfast, dinner no problem let me get the drinks in and all that malarky (Russell calls it the Nobstacle course!!) and then they turn into demons with horns and go all weird on me!!!
Mind you im a bit weird myself at times i over analyse everything and am very self critical of myself, even when people praise me i think `why did they do that they must av an agenda!!!
Im giving myself a break from guys for a wee while, the problem is i always go for guys that have problems, its in my nature to try and nuture people and try and change people, you cant change a leopards spots u can try and help people to adjust their ways but u cant change them you end up getting emotionally drained from doing this.
I hope you dont mind but i would like to use this oppotunity to apologise to my friends and fabulous blogger Becky. Im sorry i turned on you over the xmas period i was going thru a tough time and took my frustration out on you. I apologise there was no need for me to be so angry at you as usual i let my heart rule my head and couldnt see that you were only trying to protect me as a friend. I hope to hear from you soon i read your blogs every day and really miss you loads!!
I really wish i could speak to Mr Bwand and Matt as i need some relationship advice and think they would put a light hearted slant on this and make me feel a bit better about myself.
Anyway loadsa love and cuddly stuff.
K xxxxxxxxxxxxx
The above bogger had every reason to be upset with her friend over Christmas!
The reason bieng, that her friend was out of town on business and had had stupidly decided to try out a temporary clone, replica droid,to take over from her thinking that it would go unoticed.
Unfortunately the programming on the replica was very limited and as I feared, she was not able to show a reasonable level of compassion, understanding or empathy.
It was more trouble than it was worth actually. When taking calls the droid would use the prescribed script, sounding much like an old broken record.
Quite embarrassing really.
It would over compensate by going on about itself in a most unflattering way. It would give unwanted advice and offer a blueprint as a map to live by.
The standard mandate hardriven into its core, but of poor quality.
It lacked in clarity.
The voice and mannerisms were taken from an overbearing matron droid, who was clearly beyond any decent fine tuning.
Most of her programmes were innefectual as all her wires had been shorted out with over use and abuse by previous owners
She was real only made for donkey work.
As the firm, I brought her from had only limited resourses she was infact a little faulty, but all I could afford at the time. And I desparately needed to get away.
Her attitudes tranmited were terribly polarized, biggoted and self eflamitory.
Now I have returened and found all the damage caused by this tiresome replacement, I find that the damage it did was almost irreparable.
The most galling factor bieng that I myself flatter myself to assume that I am much better than the droid.In all honesty I find that this replacement was in fact a pretty precise copy of myself.
I may as well have stayed to take the calls and be present. Quite sure that I would have got the same result.
Unfortunately I seem to see everything as black and white and am world weary to the point of extreem sinisism.
I need to work on it....
The great thing is it aint over til its over. I wish I had been kinder to me old mate. I really took her for granted. I do see her as a cute teddy bear, when she obviously wants to be taken seriously.
Having traits of autism and aspergas syndrome there are too many occasions where I objectify people rather than connect appropriately.
When at home with my son I always, to the last, conduct myself with him, referring in the third person. If you pitty anyone pitty my son!
No me and me mat K are fighters.
K you are part of me...Youre the only person I can properly role about in laughter with.
We have a history that we refer to as if it were the BEN HUR epic.
I guess in any evolving relationship there arte crunch times.
I,m only glad that it was you who inflicted the blows of telling me who I was and what I was becoming. Instead of onother less beloved.
You put me on the right track mate. I cant say that I will find it easy to change. Old habits die hard.
But it is firmly at the back of my mind that I have to curb my controlling nature.
SO heres to you mate.
A few of our favourite anecdotes and jokes:
Alan Partridge:
The look of discust, Alan gives Lynn in the lift, when she suggests she could play his wife in the commercial.
A look we often refer to when talking about how people respond to us or we respond to others.
When Alan tries to call over to his new best mate, who accidentally on purpose cant hear him.
'' DAN.......DAN..........DAN.DAN......DAN.........DAN......DAN....DAN.....DAN,........DAN.............................DAN............DAN...............................DAN..................................DAN.................................................................................DAN.............................................................................................................................................DAN!
A predicament we sometimes find ourselves in.
Form DUM and Dummer:
when they stand pointing laughing at the guy who is choking on the chilly burgur.
Past anecdotes were, at Harrys Bar in Slough:
Me pulling Mr Beaky, him looking up into my eyes, saying "Ill never see you again will I?
The folowing week at same venue.
Us dancing on the tables.
K, commented,
" I saw someone flying through the air, and thought ,poor bugger, then realised it was you!"
The guy took off my red velvet hat, K pointed to the perputrator and I smacked him one an gave him a nose bleed. After a sesion in the toilets playinf swapsies, him and his lovely lookin mate took us for as kebab, and he asked me to his workes do.
I had to spoil it by tellin my all that I had recently had a baby, bla bla bla
Me smacking the bloke on the coach from Istanbul, for trying to touch K up,
now known as:
THE GREEK PUNCH
Me goin out to thge curryhouse with those blokes in Kos, when you ad to stay in the apartment with burnt eyelids, you could hear me laughing from the apartment.
The first time I met you K I knew you was alright. Twas abou 12 jar ago.
We were in a taxi, an you chucked up as if nothing had happened, then got out.
We both go into 成人快手r mode when we are bored with what someone is saying, there are circus people in our headZ goin, did did diddle liddle lid did di dup.
What can I say. K I fink , I cudnt live a good life with out yaz.
THis is how I feel with out you:
A white sock in a dark wash:
you can forgive it, and feel sorry for it poor war torn thing, sitting there looking bravely all grey. Resighning itself apoligetically.
Unlike a dark sock in a white wash.
What makes this noise?
DA DA DA DA DA DA DA
WA O WA O WA O WA O
DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RA RA RA RA RA
RE RE RE RE
TAG..TAG...............................TAG
MY washing machine on spin.
Thats the noise it makes, its its own particular voice which may be different from yours as they probably all have different voices.
The other day when I was washing up, I had dejavous.......mmmmm ........spooky, I thought as I stood there scouring the frying pan spatula firmly but lovingly,
there it was, I felt that I had really been there before, the realisation gave me a start and sent a shivver.
You see, I aint nuffin but a muppit.
An when I is makin you out to be a Mup, its really me.
This wil all help as much as putting astro turf in a hens cage and saying you have improved their life a little.
To my mind it will be a cleaning hazard and the poor chick will end up standin in their own pony and trap.
You can now see how altuistic K has been in putting up with me al these years.
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
x
Good Evening one and all,
Hello der Russell Matt and Gee!
Ooh the cheek of it the saga continues with that match.com guy today i got a spiteful message saying plz can you remove my number from ur phone i will post your stuff!! What a LIBerty!! Russell would be disgusted at such wudeness!!
All i did was tell im what i thort of him were`s the harm in that!! (I didnt really grow horns at the weekend and send him a load of expletives down the dog and bone not i sir that was my evil twin sister Karella de ville!!) I really wanted to him to come round so i could throw eggs at him what a wasted opportunity!!! My cat jessie is waiting at the door just in case he pops his ugly mug round here jessie will give him what for if he darkens my doorstep THE FILTHY SWINE!!!)
I just had a good cry when I read the above blog. (like will ferral in that scene in the phone booth!!!)
Beck you are the only person who understands me! (most people think im a bit cwazy!! )
Beck and I always seem to get into some weird situations. Our trip to Greece would be make a brilliant comedy film funnier that Dumb and Dumber. I was havin a nervous break down during that trip poor bec had to carry me along like i was a little rag dolly anna!! One of the funniest moments was when i went off with the owner of a tacky hotel in Istanbul he spoke like Kermit the Frog!!! (obviously with a turkish acent!!!) He knocked on our bedroom door and was after bec, instead he got little old me. He got me very drunk on raqi and god knows what else. He lured me back to his room and took complete advantage. Poor old bec got the blame for that by these two girls we met on our travels!!!
Then there was the `crashin the mopide incident!! The classic Greek Punch on the coach incident!!` The `getting my bag snatched by a hotel owner and bec havin to fight for it!! and for the creme de la creme, Bec telling a turkish bloke in a kipper tie to get a propper job, coz he was watering down the steps of a temple and Bec had a mini skirt on!!
Beck you have been such a tonic to me, no one makes me laugh like you do. We`ve been through alot of highs and lows (much like a bleedin roller coaster) but we`re always there for eachother in times of trouble. Im still the same little teddy bear with glazed eyes im just the same thirty something teddy i was when i was just nineteen!! Still going for wrong men,despite my friends saying `NOOO dont do it hes not right for you` like a moth to a flame. I still go into 成人快手r mode when people are trying to give me contructive advice!!! I still corpse when i should be serious and have tears in my eyes from laughin at nothin in particular.(usually at one of your stories!!!)
When we were`nt speaking i felt like jelly without ice cream, like toast without butter, like coke without the malibu (ha ha what deep and thoughtful analagy`s!!!)
Im so glad we`ve started communicating again even if it is on Russell`s bloggy woggy website!!
Russell would`nt like to see us apart he knows we make a good comedy act, and Im sure there will be many more blogs to be written about our misadventures!!!
Cheers for being such Fab Friend!!!
Karatchi xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Good arpernoom,
ah, wernt that sweet of Kara.
Karacka,
cacacacca,
Karachi,
marachi
Moriarti,
Feninigens!
Hey ho, were back agin.
Ah noice too say shes the jelly without the ice cream. Talikin of ice cream, we did av a scream, rollin frough Greece an Turkmenistan.
At one point we were buskin in the streets of Istanbul , dancin about and singing hits from musicals at the tops of our voices and people started frowing coins at us from above and all around.
Grown men, and that, makin a right run and swing an all it were like an aggressive coconut shy. We had to duck and then make a swift run for it to exeeto.
When we went to the Turkish baths we all got molested by big ald Turkish women of questionable sexuality. Laughin and wobbling our Babsz.
Karach, got the right idea an refused to go in, she has good instincts.
Yeah, she too0k off and met up with us after.
I must say she were a bit flushed an drunk when we met her. All rolling about with her lippy smudged and skirt a kimbo.
I believe she had gone into intense negotioations, BIENG SOFTENED UP BY A ZEALOUScarpet seller,
oR SOMETHING..
When we took a ride into the town, we realized we were bieng ripped off by the driver by about 10 times the cost of the journey.
It were a fass.
I started shouting at im
" You nawty man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" YOU NAUGHTY MAN"
I was really authoratative. The others were laughing at me, but I was furious. I was leaning forwards from the back, wagging my finger.
He sped to the centre and stopped, jumping out when he found a policeman.
Refusing to be paid he jesticulated to the officer.
I thought, " Right , good job, YES, I will want to have the security support and justice of the local constabulary.
When we got out, the policeman, said in a very selacious way" Hello , Beautiful!"
E werent interested, thought it was a complete joke.
Just took the hiss, e did.
What!
They are all corrupt abroad.
Whatever next.
Kara called last night and we were back on track, my cheeks were hurting from grinning and laughing so much.
Oh that name above, always makes us laugh. If were short of a laugh. Heres the story:
I once met some South African in Macdonalds and invited him back to my house.
He met my brother and our lodger who was a real live wire called Tony.
Tony was bieng his usual hillarious self, makin us all laugh.
Anyway , this South African guy goes,
" AHH! DANNY ! YOURE SUCH A TONIC!!!"
Get it, he said "Danny", instead of Tony coz of his accent. That one never fails to tickle.
I just want to say to Mat Morgan, that he's an unsung hero.
When we do, decide to have our double wedding with Mat and Russell, I thought I,d better have Mat, coz hes so patient and calm.
Wheras I,m more out of control like Russ. Kara is good with me ,so will be able to manage Russ.
But I do think, if you dont mind my suggestin, that we just do swoppsies regularly to keep it fresh. OK?
Oh get out.
I know youre justy too famous for us.
Its Kara birthday, we would like to go to Mr gs west end show "iNTO THE WOODS"
Maybe we could go with you guys.
YER!
I kNOW, WEDE JUST GIGGLE UNCONtrollably and not be cool enough.
K would have an unfair advantage coz she s got all the moves, then I,d have me fish wife face on and look out of place an cross.
Better in place, in a launderette, pulling the face when the washin aint dry and you ave to put more 20p,s in.
Wiv me arms folded.
Be good
Vivre the revolt
U Bec E stan
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