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The Wings of a Butterfly
For the past month or so my life has been fairly routine. I've been out doing a bit of general shopping, reading old magazines at the launderette and just scribbling away a few poetical musings. Then just over a week ago I got a call from an excitable Russell telling me that he's back in England for a few days and wants to catch up. Of course catching up with Mr B is a feat in itself, chasing butterflies with Papillon on Devil's Island holds a more realistic result. During his brief return, Russell had countless business meetings, did two radio shows, two live shows, watched the footy and...er... caught up on his T5 backlog of (ahem) "extra curricular" activities.
He did however manage to make it down to see me perform in the West End production of "Into The Hoods". Predictably the whole event turned into a Russell Brand autograph session, with the theatre staff having to tell him to sit down so that the show could effectively start!. It was good for the three of us to catch up and do the radio show all together again. And even though I got suckered into having to look after the house and feed Morrissey on my only day off, while Russell was out harrassing the police.... the brief intrusion of chaos was most welcome.
On Top of the Cops
It was the briefest of times,
For all those seeking to find,
Militaristic manoeuvres,
And Breast feeding's the crime,
Blamanche bubbling,
Tit-Milk troubling,
Porn adventure plot's struggling,
As reason's no longer needed when policing for fumblings,
Taking down particulars,
Gross misconduct in vehicular,
Measuring the "Rears of the year"
Detecting angles?....perpendicular.
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Blog Changes!
The Russell Brand show was one of a handful of 成人快手 programmes to get a blog as part of a trial into how blogs could be used at the 成人快手. During trials, it's pretty much inevitable that we run into gremlins. Finding and fixing these gremlins is how we go about developing robust services for the website.
The biggest problem we've had to overcome has been defending ourselves from spam attacks. Like email addresses and email software, most blog software (not just the 成人快手) gets bombarded with huge amounts of spam and junk comments. These spam messages sometimes overwhelm and clog up the system, causing many of the errors that you have had to deal with and reported to us.
What are we doing about it? Well, in April, you'll see some changes. You'll now have to log in. I know. Logging in takes a moment more of your time. But we have to stand together to beat the spammers - and the best way to do that is to lock them out and give out keys only to our listeners and website users.
Thanks for your patience and loyalty. Pin Pin!
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Heads and Shoulders
It was the witching hour and the late night pre-record was upon us. The backstreets of London were eerily calm as the ravages of the windy weather earlier that day, had taken their toll. Within the serene surroundings of the Radio 2 studios, voices were being digitally encoded, prepared and propelled up and down a temperamental ISDN cable which seemed to have a mind of its own.
Once such voice was the "sausage cooking, you-tube looking, cadillac booking" Mr Brand in L.A. and the other was his "slightly merrier" co-host Mr Morgan in London. It was an interesting show, we had Max Beasely handing out tips on voicing-over and Ray Darcy handing out tips on voicing-after. Undying affection was proclaimed to all UK "arms, legs, faces and eyelashes" as an announcement was made that Russell will be briefly breezing through our streets once more in a whirlwind gust.
Weather warning: Hold on to your eyelashes!
Trick Shots
Rack 'em up,
Cue ball, solids, stripes.... Stack 'em up,
Misjudging the cushions, sheets and pillows,
Cadillacs discreetly acting up,
Emus possessed,
Ray stung with a Balsamic carress,
Controlled and drole,
All aboard to join the mis-cued express,
Nominating the pocket,
ISDN dropped from its "hickory dock" socket,
But with the right amount of spin,
"Coloured eyes and skin" was forced to watch it,
Cooking up a sausage,
Flying solo with just a photo to keep true,
Check out the eyeliner and hair almost everywhere on "Me-tube".
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The strut that dreams are made of...
How sad am I? After last Saturday's show I ended up watching the movie "Grease" in the wee hours of the morning. I scoured through every scene: from Pink Ladies pouting to T-Birds floundering but I couldn't find any indication of the infamous "Kenicke strut" that was mentioned. Perhaps I'm missing something altogether, or maybe I need to get hooked up with the director's cut on DVD for the deleted scenes to see if it's there.
There was a little bit of technical madness randomly happening during the broadcast of the show. The connection failed at the beginning and so in London, Matt was limbering up, getting ready to play a selection of his favourite Heavy Metal hits until the fault was corrected. Later on, the sound in our headphones went down again and there was this excruciating moment of not knowing what was being said by whom, nor where it was being heard (yes, it was that shambolic!).
Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to emulate some of the shenanigans that occur on our show. The plot has obviously been lost a long time ago, much like those deleted strutting scenes from "Greased Lightning!"
Today's new words: Systematic, Hydromatic, Ultromatic...
Clockwork mice
False starts,
"Aerosmithed" from beating hearts,
Technical difficulties our speciality,
A Hippie Prince raised in insanity,
Procured by Darcy,
A banana farce targeted heartily,
Next up: Botox, Beards and Boobs?
Converting Convents?.... remarkably,
With craftily mocked "schmoks",
Laughing at milksops,
And Kenicke contorted walking, ideally brought with quick-chops!
So before the "Smurf Pasties" give way and blue smarties are hanging about,
These are Radio 2's sexiest vegetables: The babes and corpses signing out!
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A Finger of Fudge
It's always the case isn't it? You wait around trying to text, call, fax and harrass Noel Gallagher to come back on to your little radio show, then you travel half-way around the world and there he is, just chilling with his nipples and remixing in L.A.... Happens all the time!
The last show got a bit busy with guests galore, it was a live broadcast spanning across the seas linking L.A. to London. My favourite part had to be Matt engaging in an "8-mile style" face-off with the opera singer. I think that if it had been allowed to go any further then somebody's "sneakers would've gotten trashed" (Whatever that means!).
Another point of discussion, was the recent discovery stating that the length of your ring-finger affect your personality (when compared to that of your index finger). Apparently if you have a larger ring finger, then you are considered to be more suited for a job as an Airport customs official.
This week (since watching "There Will be Blood"), I have mostly been shouting "Drainage" to random strangers.
The Spinal 'Tap'
Picture a distance in Meridians,
Time difference in opinions,
Accustomed to the Customs,
Back with a robustness for the millions,
Experience the South Central.... swimming pool of the mansion,
Expanding the midget nipples, Kenicke giving Noel action,
In an operatic fashion, egos massaged by ring-finger interaction,
Russell-isms remaining hidden, Gay-A enlistments with a passion,
So relax now,
For this will all be done,
And "all done" this will all be,
Mechanically seperated by the sea,
Yet congregated for you and me.
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