The article on the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ website about weird things people do in their sleep, in particular the part on sex and sleep "...ranges from minor behaviour to full sexual intercourse, in some cases with serious consequences" - I wonder how long it will be before this excuse shows up in the divorce courts!
Jenny T
Sea-level rise finally quantified at 11mm. What kind of value is that in real terms? I make it 1.48 billion olympic swimming pools. That's a monitorite accessible quantity. I'll get my speedos!
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall
In reference to Gerry Holt's article on war prizes, as long as there are wars there will be trophies. It's human nature since time began. As Edwin Starr sang, "war..what is it good for...?"
Nobby Clark, Essex
Sadly your correspondent on this article needs to research his technology better. For e-ink to show colour it would need to use Cyan, Magenta and Yellow, not Red, Green and Blue as any printer would testify to. (It's all about the difference between emitted and reflected light.) I'll get my goat.
Colin Main, Berkhamsted
Winning entries in the Caption Competition.
The competition is now closed.
This week DJ Deadmau5 performs in London.
Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:
6.Yellow Elephant:
I don't understand this rap music. Why can't they squeak more clearly?
5. Adora_Belle:
Zippy has second regrets over his cosmetic surgery.
4 Pendragon:
If any further proof were needed, always check you're alone when you press any buttons in a matter transference machine.
3. MorningGlories:
I've got a signal!
2. Martin Walter:
Mrs Wilson at number 49 would do anything to disguise the fact that she had a Sky satellite dish.
1. Dry Boak:
This would never have happened when Fred Quimby was in charge.
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
There's no surprise that today's front pages are largely dominated by the Leveson report - as safe bets go, it's up there with Bradley Wiggins winning Sports Personality of the Year. Or Jessica Ennis.
Newspaper coverage is split between those who agree with the PM's opposition to the report's main recommendation - new regulatory laws - and those who don't.
But look past the front pages to the editorial columns, and on one subject there's a broad consensus, voiced by :
"Reading the 2,000 pages, it was almost as if the World Wide Web never happened."
In fact, the Leveson report only dedicates one page to the "relevance of the internet", largely to dismiss its relevance to any discussion about press regulation.
David Banks, author of McNae's Essential Law for Journalists, :
"Leveson is referred to as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and by ignoring the internet, it's missing an opportunity."
In the Times, that Leveson's recommendations risk irrelevance because they ignore the internet - not an elephant in the room, he says, "but a whole herd of elephants knocking the room down":
"All this might make sense, just about, if websites could still, properly be regarded as the appendices of whatever form of media they are websites for. Whereas in fact they are increasingly the main deal."
His argument is more succinctly put by , which shows Lord Leveson reading from the report. Above him flies the Twitter bird symbol, in the act of depositing a small but messy "opinion" on the lordly head.
Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience
1. Blue whales do 360 degree rolls before attacking prey.
More details
2. CT scanners are used on Egyptian mummies.
More details
3. Grapefruit can make some drugs dangerous.
More details
4. Lithuania has the highest suicide rate in the world.
More details
5. Siamese fighting fish take gulps of air from above water to boost their oxygen uptake during battles.
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6. UK floods don't have a long-term impact on property prices.
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7. Bosses are more likely to hire someone they fancy.
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8. Belgium's lemmings went extinct five times during the Ice Age.
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9. A by-product of digested cholesterol offers an accurate chronological record of early man.
More details
10. Crocodiles' scaly head patterns are caused by skin cracking.
More details
Seen a thing? Tell on Twitter using the hashtag #thingIdidntknowlastweek
"Animals are much easier to understand than women," Mr Kiok claimed... harsh but fair!
Keith, Dartford
MP Ben Bradshaw's office has a urine leak that he is not happy about? If only there was some suitable phrase with which he could use to show his displeasure and annoyance. No, I can't think of one either.
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire, UK
"A fine of up to 25,000 euros (£20,000) is proposed if someone forces an animal to commit 'actions alien to the species'." No more dancing dogs on German television.
Ralph, Cumbria
0 out of 7 on the rejection quiz. Please publish this letter.
Peter Wilson, Chichester
Mike (Letters 28th Nov), you're right, Cantona didn't try to do interviews in a Scouse accent. However, the equivalent of Joey's wonderful antics would have been Eric speaking French with a Scouse accent, and I somehow doubt that would have gone down well with his audience.
Sander, London
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne (Letters 28th Nov) - I'm sure that Peter Schmeichel has a distinct Mancunian accent - maybe not when he's speaking Danish though.
Dave Soloway, Aylesbury, England
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
So. The Hobbit. A short book turned into three films. T-H-R-E-E. It was going to be two for a while, but the makers and the shakers changed their minds. Wonder why? *innocent face*
The Times pens a leader on how (warning - spoiler alert):
Middle Earth. Long Ago.
"Hello small hobbit with an almost rude name!"
"Hello wizard."
"Come to a hollow mountain with all these dwarves to steal treasure from a dragon!"
"No."
"Go on."
"Yeah, okay then. Let's go."
"We'll never escape these trolls and goblins!"
"Oh look, we did, respectively."
And so on.
Still. Doesn't Wellington, home of the director Peter Jackson and where the film premiered, look lovely.
Flicking through the Independent - - your humble correspondent undergoes an abrupt handbrake turn in tone.
The paper to help with their university fees. Up to £15,000 worth of help. The key - perhaps only - criteria is an "open mind". Not an inquiring mind, but an open one. Wonder why? *innocent face*
A secretly filmed meeting with a male assessor sheds some light. He asks the undercover reporter to accompany him to a nearby flat to "go through a practical assessment together" to make sure she's comfortable doing the things the sponsor will want to do with her. This is required, he says, for "quality control".
"Ewww..." as Indy journalist . She had stumbled across the site while looking for scholarship options for her teenage daughter.
What! It's not already banned already. I need to get out of here. I won't get my goat...
Jonathan, Freising, Germany
Most Popular today: 1) Germany moves to ban bestiality; 2) Weird things people do in their sleep; 3) Two and a Half actor apologises.
John Marsh, Washington DC, USA
Am I the only one to quite admire Joey Barton for his language attempts? At least he didn't just shout, like most Brits do when they're abroad. And I don't recall the likes of Cantona ever attempting a Scouse accent.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne
Just pondering on this headline - "Pickles probe plea in Scilly row". Is there some sweepstake in the back room as to who can get weird headlines published?
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall
7/7 on the rejections quiz! Of course I'm sure you'll come up with some good reason for rejecting this letter...
Keith, Dartford
Monitor: Dear Keith from Dartford, we regret to inform you...
"Hobbit Mania Grips New Zealand" - presumably somewhere between the knees and the waist.
Basil Long, Nottingham
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Move over David Beckham, Brad Pitt and George Clooney - Paper Monitor notes that there is a new heart-throb in town (or at least in a secretive state near you).
Yup, you guessed it, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has been named as Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.
One supposes that must mean he is now supreme in every sense of the word.
But all is not what it seems for the chubby-cheeked 28 (or 29-year-old, depending on what you are reading).
A photo spread - reportedly 55 pages - in the online version of China's state-run People's Daily newspaper was in fact based on a spoof story in .
The newspaper even quoted the article as saying: "With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heart-throb is every woman's dream come true."
Fortunately, none of Her Majesty's press fell for the gag - but they are more than happy to poke fun.
The Sun has a picture of "Tubby Tyrant Kim" next to one of David Beckham, helpfully pointing out who is who - "It's Kim, not him".
The leader also features in the Independent's feature on the longlist for Time magazine's person of 2012. But he is up against stiff competition in the form of the Mars Rover and the Higgs Boson particle.
The paper notes that previous "non-people" winners were The Computer (1982) and the Endangered Earth (1988).
Paper Monitor gains hope from the idea of a non-people winner.
Hope.
Interesting that the UK doesn't make the list at all.
Joseph, London
Good news, Colin - Monday letters - and MJ - Friday letters - you are both wrong, and both right. It's just that the Hubble telescope has better things to do.
Ps, three more measures for the monitor:
1. Garden shed
2. Visible from space
3. Exceptionally huge
I'll get my spacesuit.
John, Sevenoaks
Hold onto your horses (or should that be donkeys) Ted - Monday's letters - the Pope didn't declare that the angels did not descend to Earth and sing to the shepherds to proclaim Jesus's birth, but rather he is claiming that they only spoke, albeit with such melodious rhythm that it sounded like singing. Now, I really never would guessed that.
Jonathan, Freising, Germany
I loved the articles on Hinglish and Hobson-Jobson. I've just returned from a fabulous few days in Bombay during Divali, and was proud to attend the Founder's Day service of the school mentioned - the cathedral and John Connon High School, where my mother was head girl, then a teacher and finally Headmistress in the 1950s. She also served on a commission with Lady Rama Rau which looked at the best option for a national language after independence. She recommended English because it was the most spoken worldwide and so would help India trade and grow successfully. Understandably, Hindi was chosen, but English is so widely spoken, and of course Hinglish words are so pervasive, that her recommendation has, in fact become real.
We left India much of which to be proud, but the greatest of these is English!
Oenone Westbourne, Olney, Buckinghamshire, UK
"Dry Lane in Crawley, north of Witney, is closed due to flooding".
Another classic example of reverse nominative determinism.
Chris Malton, Southampton
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
To the Daily Mirror's 3am gossip page for news of what Chris Brown has been up to. It's a bit rude, so the paper has had to redact its report somewhat.
You @!?!@*..
you're @!?!@*@
@%!%
Thanks for that, Chris.
Over to the Daily Express Weatherâ„¢, which is truly in its element, with flood coverage inside and a front page headline screaming:
ICY BLAST WILL LAST A MONTH
Well, it is winter.
And the Times for all the polyglots out there:
What's the German for balderdash?
And finally, the Sun has a pop at Joey Barton for speaking in an 'Allo 'Allo accent.
FROG IN YOUR THROAT, JOEY?
Bad boy footie ace Joey Barton showed some Gaul yesterday - speaking in a daft French accent at a press conference
Paper Monitor rather enjoyed it. Particularly the way he accessorised his accent with matching body language - Gallic shrugs and lip-curls. That's attention to detail.
Is there some link between the Quote of the Day and the Random Stat? Or is it pure coincidence?!?
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK
Bad news MJ Simpson, I am afraid - Friday letters - unless your garden shed is exceptionally huge it is not visible from space.
All the detailed photos on Google Maps come from aircraft, not spacecraft.
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK
So... the Pope has confirmed that the story of Angels descending to earth and singing to shepherds to declare a birth of a child to a virgin mother isn't true? Well, I never would have guessed.
Ted Rogers, Cheshire, UK
I would have given good money to be in Herne Bay last Friday. I hate Christmas.
Angus Gafraidh, London
"Great apes have mid-life crises." An award for the most obvious statement ever to come out of any research project?
All together, now:
1 : Humans have "mid-life crises".
2: Humans are...
John, England
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
They've had 50 years to hone their craft.
Music journalists reviewing the Rolling Stones, that is.
That craft is on display as the venerable rock band begins its 50th anniversary tour, aka "the greatest survival story since the cockroach", as puts it.
The Stones have kept going for so long, surviving everything from drug busts to ex-wives, that they have passed the wrinkly rocker stage, passed even the national treasure stage, and become an indestructible inevitability.
There are finely honed similes:
"[Keith] Richards and Ronnie Wood look like a pair of cadaverous buzzards" - Neil McCormick in Daily Telegraph
And counter-intuitive digs, such as this from :
There's something perversely admirable about the way the self-styled "greatest rock'n'roll band in the world" seem openly intent on celebrating their golden jubilee by making as much money as possible with the absolute minimum of effort.
While not a music critic, the Daily Mail's Jan Muir pens a
For that kind of money, I would have expected Mick himself to serve the pre-show drinks - and personally drive me home afterwards...
Even from here, Keith looks like a tortoise who has suddenly woken up from a coma to find himself playing geetar on stage with a silver sash around his waist.
And there are more numbers. Big numbers, as befits a big band:
- "sprightly legends who average 68 years of age" -
- "No new album, just a couple of new tracks to generate interest in what a conservative estimate suggests is the 36,734th Rolling Stones greatest hits collection" - Guardian
- "It wasn't so amazing when the band played Out Of Control, one of the many awful songs from the band's 1983-2011 wilderness years" - The Times
15:24 UK time, Friday, 30 November 2012
The 
