³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. A new element cannot be named after a living person.

2. Plants that smell of almonds or marzipan are more likely to be poisonous.

3. The UK's median gross annual salary is £20,801.

4. The best Italian saffron is made from crocus flowers picked at dawn.

5. The world's longest bench is 613 metres.

6. Testicular cancer only accounts for 1-2% of male cancers.

7. Brahms liked his audience to clap in between movements.
More details

8. Zoos in China use female dogs as surrogate mothers for baby tigers, lions and bear cubs.
More details

9. Some lizards are so light they fall to the ground like a feather.

10. Buzz Aldrin received Holy Communion on the moon.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Heidi Adnum for this picture of 10 Greylag geese in Hyde Park, London.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

The question relating to the time that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon is wrong. Neil Armstrong spent an extra 15 minutes as he was the first out and last in the lunar capsule. Try checking the Sky at Night programme.
Sophie, London

7 days SPOILER ALERT
No wonder you city folk lost this country - £6.00 for 5kg of chicken feed, get real! You get 5kg for £2.50 or 20kg for £6.00. So Boris could have got more than double the amount, well researched guys.
Rod Wallace, Lustleigh, Devon
Monitor note: Thanks Rod. Other brands of chicken feed are available.

As an employer I'm disgusted by the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ's "Say goodbye to worktime boredom". Actively encouraging people to use Twitter/Facebook whilst they are being paid to do other things. This is just another example of Britain's attitude towards doing any actual work. Of course I doubt that you will read this as you are probably too busy twittering...
Lee, Preston

Web Monitor, as any Kenny Everett fan will tell you, Dr Gitfinger was a character in the Captain Kremmen radio series.
Jake, Newbury, Berkshire, UK

Nicolas (Thursday letters), "funky" is indeed a great addition. But where to put it?
Basil Long, Nottingham

Philip Hore (Thursday letters) asks if $23 quadrillion dollars could buy Europe. It almost certainly is enough to buy Europe, but how many times do you actually want to hear The Final Countdown?
Ben Moxon, Guildford, UK

(of the University of Antwerp). What a name! Sounds like a Douglas Adams invention. Fabulous.
Laura, Bicester

If "Dramatic Paws" doesn't win this week's caption competition, I'll eat my, um, lunch. Thank you. (And no, it isn't mine.)
Sue 'Rockahula' Lee, London
Monitor note: Hope your lunch tasted good, Sue.

Where is the page to enter the caption competition? I have been trying to enter for weeks now, and only ever get the "competition is now closed" page.
Helen, North Devon
Monitor note: Helen, you come looking just a little too late. Entries open at lunchtime on Thursdays, and close at 1230 BST Friday.

Sorry, James Ball (Thursday letters), "Penguin murders prompt sniper aid" is not an all-noun headline. "Prompt", although it can be a noun or indeed an adjective, is clearly used as a transitive verb here.
Hamish McGlobbie, Leeds

JoeA (Thursday letters), I received the joke e-mail comparing cars with computers on 25 February 1998. It was sent to me on 23 February 1998: e-mail wasn't quite as fast in those days. I don't know if that's the oldest recorded receipt of the e-mail, but as it happens, it is the oldest e-mail I still have.
Adam, London, UK

JoeA, is apparently the earliest recorded receipt of this e-mail.
Pascal, Grand Union Canal, Cowley, UK

I've never heard of Icehouse, and I've never received the e-mail imagining if a car was like a computer.
I - I don't really feel like part of the gang anymore.
*sniff*
Sue, London
Monitor note: Wait - Sue - come back! Cheese and pineapple stick?

I run an alternative hairdressing salon, and actually the mullet has been back for a while (Letters passum). It's now done with razor cutting and is more popular with young teen girls to get that "got out of bed" look. It's quite rocktastic as long as it's an excellent hairdresser doing it...
Zoey Ryland, Bristol

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week, a French Bulldog peeks out from the stage curtain at a dog fashion show in Taiwan. But what's being said?

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Hilaryros
"In THESE shoes? I don't think so!"

5. Candace9839
Siegfried & Roy revamp Vegas show.

4. GreatUncleBulgariaJr
"So chuck, you chose contestant number three. He's small but with a true Latin American temprament and I know you'll have a lorra, lorra fun together."

3. RMutt-Urinal
Certain members of the audience were beginning to realise that they had been conned into buying tickets which promised "Doggie Fashion - Live on Stage".

2. tomhartland
"I won't get out of my basket for anything less than ten thous... ooo, is that a biscuit??"

1. gm_coates
Spike's Eric Morecambe impression was off to a good start.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It is, perhaps, a question as old as time, dating back to, oh, at least the pre-social networking era. Who, if you could invite just about anyone, would be your ideal dinner party guests?

For Gordon Brown, who as Prime Minister has, at the very least, the opportunity to turn that fantasy into reality, the answer is revealed in today's Guardian:

Paper Monitor does not know the seating plan.

The paper is also to be congratulated on its colour co-ordination today, tricking out both its front page and G2 cover in an eye-catching combo of tomato red, basil green and white. But there the similarities end. "FREE Italian phrasebook" is on the front, "AMIS ON IRAN" on G2.

Meanwhile, the tabloids report on the unedifying tale of Ingrid Tarrant's parking ticket. When caught parking in a bus stop, she "roared away in her silver Saab", says the Daily Express, only to end up "wrestling on the ground" with a police officer. She says she was "petrified". He says she was "abrupt and rude". Either way, there is not much dignity left intact.

And finally, Metro persists in its efforts to label the Blue Mountains as the Outback. Which indicates that its subs don't hang on Paper Monitor's every post. Today's headline is .

That's not the Outback. This is the Outback.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Welcome to the Weekly Bonus Question.

Each week the news quiz will offer an answer. You are invited to suggest what the question might have been.

Suggestions should be sent using the COMMENTS BOX IN THIS ENTRY. And since nobody likes a smart alec, kudos will be deducted for predictability in your suggestions.

This week's answer is A FOX OR A DOG. But what's the question?

UPDATE Sunday 19 July: The correct question is, what is suspected of killing penguins near Sydney, prompting the authorities to bring in sharpshooters to protect the colony.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

SPOILER ALERT

For those led here by Friday's mini-question, here are the somewhat worrying pictures of not one but three surrogate dogs nursing abandoned baby animals in China.

Left is the dog with the lion cubs - who frankly looks a little worried - middle is the dog with red pandas, and right is another dog with tiger cubs. Using female dogs as surrogate mothers for baby tigers and lions, bear cubs and other newborn animals is a common practice in Chinese zoos.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"I'm the queen of saying a lot and then really not having said much at all" - Actress Sandra Bullock

Brave is the actor that suggests that their every word is not a slice of brilliant pithy insight, so hats off to the star of Speed and Miss Congeniality.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

For the American who found his card was charged , and thought someone might have bought Europe with it - does anyone know if that would indeed be enough to buy Europe?
Philip Hore, Kingston upon Thames

It's ironic of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ to publish (as if there was only one). There were thousands of engineers involved with the design and the operation of the dozen or so Apollo missions, not to mention the astronauts that flew Apollo 8, 9 and 10, and James Webb, the Nasa boss who held it all together. They are all largely unsung.
Rob, Derby, UK

Did John Airey (Wednesday letters) try the and, if so, how did he do? "Stat" may or may not be an Americanism, but it is certainly a Latin one. Stat. (statim), as any prescriber or pharmacist knows, means "immediately" and a "stat" dose of a drug (or even a cup of tea) is a one-off dose given immediately, usually prior to a procedure.
Aqua Suliser, Aqua Sulis

Well, the Met Office were right for once (). They forecast a "barbeque summer" and that's exactly what we've got. It's poured and poured - just like every time I have a barbeque.
Peter, Cropthorne, Worcs

would have been so much better had it included the word "Funky".
Nicolas, London
Monitor note: One concurs.

Glad to see another all-noun headline today - - and even more cheered to see it doubles as a headline that virtually forces you to read on. Good stuff.
James Ball, London, UK

I think Paper Monitor has dated itself. Can't be that many people under the age of 40 who remember obscure Icehouse lyrics from the early 1980s.
GW, also 40-plus, London, UK

I'm now going to have to spend the rest of the afternoon looking for pop lyrics in previous blogs. Incidentally, I saw Icehouse support David Bowie on his Serious Moonlight tour.
*Sigh* just realised that was 26 years ago.
Andrea, Cheltenham, UK

Ahhh thanks, Paper Monitor - I've now got a medley of Icehouse songs going round my head.
Sarah, London, UK
Monitor note: All together now... "Great Southern Land, in the sleeping sun/you walk alone with the ghost of time..."

I recently received one of those "hilarious" forwarded joke e-mails from a colleague. It was the one imagining if a car was like a computer in 10 different ways. I'm sure I remember first receiving this years ago. What is the oldest recorded receipt of this e-mail that anyone knows about? Maybe Web Monitor could find a website that monitors the history of forwarded e-mails.
JoeA, London

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A celebration of the riches of the web.

Web Monitor forgoes the screen breaks to find the most interesting bits of the Internet. Make sure you share your best links by sending them via the comment box.

• We've already been informed by a work experience boy at Morgan Stanley, Matthew Robson, that Twitter isn't for teenagers, as posted on Web Monitor previously and . However, it turns out forcing politicians to answer in 140 characters works out quite well. The using questions from Twitter with the help of regular political tweeters and .
He managed to answer curiously named gitfinger's question - What path should the UK take with its defensive capability? With this:

"Key thing is to be ready to fight stateless conflicts, no longer the old state vs state cold war conflicts."

• The leader of the Conservatives, about what he learnt from bringing up a disabled child. Ivan, who had cerebral palsy and epilepsy, died in February:

"The day you find out your child has a disability you're not just deeply shocked, worried and upset - you're also incredibly confused.
It feels like you're on the beginning of a journey you never planned to take, without a map or a clue which direction to go in."

"As man's cranium grew, his digestive tract shrank. This forced him to obtain more energy-dense foods than his fellow-primates were subsisting on, which put a premium on adding further brain power. The result of this self-reinforcing process was a strong taste for foods that are high in calories and easy to digest."

• Going to the opposite end of the scale was Richard P Feynman from the California Institute of Technology who died in 1988. , one of linked to and on how to downscale. Feynman highlighted a big challenge in physics - going small. He looked at solving the problem of manipulating and controlling things on a small scale - after all the principle of making small stuff may seem quite simple but you need tiny fingers and how can you oil your machinery?:

"They tell me about electric motors that are the size of the nail on your small finger. And there is a device on the market, they tell me, by which you can write the Lord's Prayer on the head of a pin... Why cannot we write the entire 24 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica [er, shouldn't that be ] on the head of a pin?"

• The director of the Institute of the Future on how personal transformation has changed since the beginning of the internet age. Psychiatrist George Vaillant's longitudinal studies of 268 Harvard men, and posted on Web Monitor, showed that re-inventing yourself is just a normal part of life. Gorbis reflects that this reinvention is now documented on Facebook, Twitter and the rest:

"What is interesting about the technology environment we live in is that for the first time in our human history we are able to create persistent and mirror-like references points of our lives that keep former identities in constant view. Videos and photographs taken from birth, snippets of life documented on Facebook, streams of thoughts on Twitter, inner wonderings revealed in blogs -- these are all new reference points for creating and shaping our identities, our senses of self. And unlike previous reminders, often tucked away in shoe boxes, desk drawers, and attics, these are much more sensory-rich, pervasive, and easily accessible, to us and others."

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's an easy mistake to make for those who have never been to the Great Southern Land.

"Rescued after 12 days lost in the Outback" - Metro

Only it's not the Outback.

Londoner Jamie Neale, 19, survived for almost a fortnight after setting out for an ill-fated day trek in the Blue Mountains (pictured top right).

This is a national park west of Sydney. Australians call this "the bush". Which is different, very different, from the Outback (pictured lower right).

Here's how to tell the difference. Anything called "the bush" has lots of bushes, and trees as well. Whereas the Outback has just the one bush in all its thousands of miles of parched red sand. Or thereabouts.

Nor is Metro the only paper to make this mistake.

- Guardian
- Daily Star
- The Scotsman
- Irish Independent

And on Tuesday the London Evening Standard reported on how , complete with a photo of the actual Outback.

Only they, too, had been in the Blue Mountains. Walking alone like a primitive man (see their hungry eyes, it's a hungry home...)

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"I'm pleased with my look so far but what I really want is a tail" - Gavin Paslow, aka Diablo Delenfer, who used benefits to make him look like the devil

Divorced father of-two Paslow admitted seven counts of benefit fraud and was sentenced to 200 hours community service after using £3,552 to fund fangs, a forked tongue and horns.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

I had been trying ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ's quizzes without success ad nauseam until today, when prima facie I saw that at last there was a that would, inter alia, prove my high school Latin classes worthwhile.
Nadja, north of Boston, US

Just wanted to point out that a much more accurate translation of the (cogito ergo sum) is "I am thinking", not "I think" - it refers to the on-going act, not the capacity in general. Ergo pedanto.
Martha Hampson, London

I have to share this with the world - 7/7 in the , thanks to some guesswork, general knowledge and a film company's motto. I was not allowed to sit my Latin O-level because I only got 1% in the mock - who's laughing now?
Nicole, Londinium

I think, if I were lost in the wilderness and hungry enough to , I would not be wandering about thinking, "Hmmm. This one smells a bit like marzipan. Next!"
Helen, London, Ontario, Canada

Sorry Ann (Tuesday letters), but I think Sarah Brown was quite right to refuse the veal. It goes against her ethics. You wouldn't criticize someone for refusing the same if they were vegetarian, would you?
Robyn, Cheshire

Ann, it is basic manners for the host to first determine their guests' dietary requirements, be they medical, religious or moral.
Eddyozman, currently NY, NY

Re Kathryn's letter (Tuesday). Yes! Er, No... Maybe.
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

Is there a way of typing the action of clapping without it looking ironic? Well done Paper Monitor clap, clap, clap!
Edd, Cardiff

Isn't "stat!" an American expression (re Paper Monitor's tea demands)? The last time I used it in the workplace I had to explain what I meant, which rather defeated the object of using it in the first place.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A celebration of the riches of the web.

Web Monitor clicks through the internet to find the most interesting bits. Make sure you share your best links by sending them via the comment box.

• One of ex-US President Jimmy Carter's old speech writers, into what it takes to say the right thing in a crisis situation. During the 1979 energy crisis, even a young Bill Clinton, then a governor, was shuttled into Camp David to offer advice to Carter on what to say to the nation. Stewart's "malaise speech" was the result:

"There was never any way the Jimmy Carter we all know would avoid saying: 'There is simply no way to avoid sacrifice.' Where the speeches of Reagan and Barack Obama evoke the beauty of dreams, President Carter insisted on the realities of responsibility and the need for radical change. Mr Carter's sense of our own accountability, his warnings about the debilitating effects of self-centered divisiveness were the speech's true heresies. They are also the very elements that keep it relevant today."

• The figure 750 million lifetime album sales has been popping up in Michael Jackson obituaries and retrospectives without anyone really questioning the figure. Now, Carl Bialik, the numbers a proper look. that the figure for lifetime record sales curiously leaped from 200 million to 600 million at the end of 2006, when Jackson was trying to make a comeback. Record sales figures are sketchy - international data differs from country to country and in the US sales weren't even recorded in any detail until 1991. In the end, Bialik turned to bloggers for help. The the figure at 205.5 million whereas 131.5 million albums were sold world-wide, along with 65.6 million singles.

• that Bruno could be the first one-day-wonder film after the figures for the first weekend dropped off after Friday. Time put it down to bad twitter reviews. that Borat took more in its second week than its first, saying:

"But then Borat was released in 2006 BT (Before Twitter). And maybe the word of mouth has it right - that Borat was a better film. "

• Always on the lookout for original viewpoints Web Monitor has been on the search for an intelligent feminist blog for some time and yet to come across one. So WM was hopeful when the teenage feminist blog the . It seems the teenage feminist is very concerned about celebrities - from to . When talking about the Pixar film UP! F-Bomb founder :

"UP is the best movie ever. I'm hypercritical of everything and I couldn't find anything wrong with it."

• One set of musings on sexual politics the F-Bomb unearthed was , talking about powerful men:

"A powerful man is a man that knows who he is and doesn't need to manipulate people to get what he wants... I've worked with many powerful men in the music industry. The big power brokers in the industry are still men for the most part. And not just them: it's the people behind them, the business affairs, the structures, the boards - it's all men. And there are the good guys and the not- so-good guys. There are the controlling men and there are those that want the exchange."

• Yesterday's Web Monitor touched on why flash mobs make a grown man cry and asked if it's still the case on the occasions that they are organised to advertise something. Said grown man in his blog:

"I guess marketers and advertisers have become adept at playing on human emotion in all sorts of ways over the years and getting me to associate - however unconsciously or unwillingly - the emotional impact of a flash mob with a particular brand is just more of the same. Hopefully the balance of trust is shifting and we are much less likely to accept being manipulated if that manipulation feels too overt or too direct - much as witty and entertaining TV ads feel more acceptable than out and out sales pitches. It's a fine line though!"

"It's not just flash mobs. It's parades, marching bands (adult or children), displays, amateur performances of singing and dancing."

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Another day, another notable work experience in the papers.

On Tuesday it was the turn of 15-year-old Matthew Robson, who in a two-week placement at Morgan Stanley wrote an unscientific report on how teenagers consume the media (read in the Guardian).

While he didn't actually use the word "lame" to describe Twitter - or whatever the yoof jargon of the day is - that's the between-the-lines subtext of his assessment that the micro-blogging site is "aimed at adults". Despite being the author of assorted tweets on behalf of the Magazine collective, Paper Monitor couldn't help but titter.

Today it is Daniela Oliveros-Elvidge, on work experience at Downing St after buttonholing Gordon Brown at a Prince's Trust event. The Times offers the new girl , such as never calling Lord Mandelson by his first name. "He has very many other possible titles to choose from and all of them are grander than Peter."

Well, it is the season for it. Paper Monitor is currently lording it over a cluster of mini-Magazinites (is that the correct term? - ed), demanding dry triple-shot lattes and dispensing lemon cake to those who deliver clean copy.

And the Daily Mail reports on the rise of - work experience students put in charge of a company's official Twitter feed. Which can go rather wrong, as Habitat when its twittering intern got a little too enthusiastic about driving traffic to his tweets.

And finally, not only is it work experience season (TEA! STAT! Yes, you. What do you mean, where's the tea bar?) it is Proms season.

The Daily Telegraph picks up on the open letter from Time Out's classical music editor addressed to .

For Proms audiences are nothing if not enthusiastic. While Proms director Roger Wright tells the Telegraph that he understands this man's pain, he points out that "Mozart rather enjoyed audiences clapping and Brahms was rather disappointed when they didn't clap between movements."

Paper Monitor concurs, and hopes its readers will mark the conclusion of this blog post with a round of applause.

Thank you. Thank you. You're too, too kind.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"The father was leaning against the headstone eating a Scotch egg and smoking a cigarette" - Alasdair MacNeill, decrying behaviour of some tourists at the Culloden Battlefield

Signs will be erected at Culloden asking visitors to respect the site as a war grave following a complaint about picnickers.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

Has Sarah Brown never learnt basic manners - that you do not refuse food served to you as a guest? () And why is the tax-payer footing the bill for wives to go on these trips anyway?
Ann Pangbourne, West Hill, Devon, UK

Crunch Creep has opened yet another can of worms with the assertion that the traditional fish in fish and chips is cod. Not in Yorkshire it isn't, we'll stick with haddock thanks very much. Skin off, fried in dripping if it's all the same to you.
Timothy, Leeds

Re : "Three is the first and earliest point at which a possible list of similar words can become unequivocal." Shouldn't that be initial, first, and earliest?
Kathryn, London

What will be my pension in 2040?
Richard Kolk, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Re Web Monitor and Quote of the Day, the idea that swearing shows a limited vocabulary is clearly nonsense. Someone who uses, for example, the f-word has a vocabulary one bigger than they would if they didn't use it.
Phil, Guisborough

Philip from Rio de Janeiro (Monday's letters): I don't know how much money it costs to get a mullet haircut. But far more importantly, it will cost you your street cred for many years to come.
Adam, London, UK

Judging by the number of people sporting a mullet on my neighbourhood, I'd say they're free.
Flavia, Dublin

I accidentally got a mullet the other day, after going to the hairdresser's a little drunk.
It cost me £27, but that was half price in a very posh one (but they did give me more wine, I think this was a diversion technique while they cut said mullet).
Megan Mayhew, London

Dear Philip from Rio, my boyfriend recently paid £7.50 for a mullet, which included a free beer and several "are you sures?" from the hairdresser. However he recouped the cost as work colleagues bet him £50 that he wouldn't do it. I hope this helps.
Emily, Bristol

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A celebration of the riches of the web.

Web Monitor answers the big questions - who knitters are waging war against, who in your office should be promoted and why flash mobs make a grown man cry. Make sure you share your favourite links from across the web by sending them via the comment box.

• Web Monitor wishes community blog a happy 10th birthday, making it an active OAP when considering the conversion rate from human years to blog years. One recent gem from the blog was on the messy rivalry between the online knitting and crocheting communities:

"For the uninitiated/uncrafty, here's an . [sic], a documentary, explores the animus between the Needles and the Hooks. When to mention the 'c' word, she gets many comments from knitting readers who, while stressing that they have nothing against crochet, just don't want to see it in their backyard magazine. When Kim Werker, editor of Interweave Crochet, about crocheting she gets even more negative feedback. Part of the problem seems to be that while knitters contend with the 'old lady's pastime' stereotype, the much more negative 'granny square and toilet paper cosy' stigma."

• While knitters and crochet gangs were waging online warfare, it seems some, who you'd think would be down with the kids, weren't even on the internet yet. Namely James Palumbo, the founder of London's Ministry of Sound club who about his media habits:

"I only discovered the internet two years ago and it has transformed my business thinking, particularly in researching brands."

• at the age old paradox in large organisations - promotion to incompetence. This is the idea that the people who perform best at one level of an organisation tend to be promoted up and up until they are so incompetent they are not promoted anymore.
Now the Review reports that to alternately promote first the most competent and then the least competent individuals or to promote individuals at random both improve, or at least do not diminish, the efficiency of an organisation.

• Web Monitor continues its quest to find literary references in specialist press. Last week, Web Monitor mentioned the motor magazine . James Bell from the Grocer wrote in to say while our request for Dickens in their next article couldn't be met, they would rise to the challenge instead with a Shakespeare reference in an . In Bell's words:

"Grocery's a profound industry, sometimes."

• Flash mobs are emotional events it seems. Web Monitor previously mentioned the organiser of the Michael Jackson moon walking flash mob in the UK, his fear before the event:

"There's no way I'm about to moonwalk in public - the horror of that literally makes sweat drip from my armpits."

"There is something about people working together on something complicated without overt direction that seems to trigger profound feelings... Frankly an awful lot of management consultancy over the last few decades has been sold on the myth that life is that predictable... I think this is less and less easy to pull off these days as things get more complicated and setting people up with the skills, attitudes, and insights to deal with whatever happens next and collectively work, in their respective Flash Mobs, towards a positive outcome seems a far more robust approach to adopt."

• he not only organised a flash mob moonwalk but also set up a site for people to share their sick jokes about the news, which he found out isn't a big hitter with advertisers:

"It's a pig of a site because although there's apparently limitless demand for sick jokes, it's impossible to grow it as no advertiser will place their clients near it."

"Saying no to advertisers whose desires don't exactly match your wishes is a losing game."

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Oh, to suffer a slow death at the hands of a parliamentary sketch writer.

With pens sharpened and poised, they fire their acidic quips at the sitting duck (and perhaps island-owning) MPs as they rise to their feet to speak from the green benches of the Commons.

Today it's Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth in the firing line, as he defends military spending, although it's hard to think of him as a real person when he's described as in the Independent, and in the Times.

Quentin Letts in the Daily Mail says The Daily Telegraph notes that Mr Ainsworth drops his Hs, so speaks about "'elicopters". Does this mean his name is really Hainsworth?

At least there is some unity in the pillorying of the minister, which is more than can be said about the state of the housing market.

It's buoyant if you read or the .

But it's in the doldrums if you read or the .

So which is it? Perhaps Roy Hattersley's dog Buster will turn his paws to a column unpicking numbers in the news next...

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"I would advise people, if they hurt themselves, to swear" - Psychologist Richard Stephens of Keele University

There's nothing more reassuring than when academics are able to prove something that people secretly suspected all along. So it is with swearing at the University of Keele. It really does relieve pain.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?

A celebration of the riches of the web.

You don't have to be in your teens to make it into today's Web Monitor, but it helps. Make sure you share your favourite bits of the web with us by sending your links via the comment box.

• At the New York premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Daniel Radcliffe (who the is now worth £30m) not just because he reportedly said "tap dancing is so cool" but mostly because he held all other reporters at bay to conduct an "adorable" interview with "terrified" 11-year-old reporter Danielle from Scholastic News (the US version of ). Here is part of the interview from Yuan's perspective:

Danielle: "How did Harry change from the first movie to the second? I mean, the sixth?"
Radcliffe: "To the sixth? Well, he grew marginally taller. The films have gotten a lot darker since that first film, so I think he has had to get a lot tougher since then. Thank you very much."
Danielle [holding breath, then nearly dropping mike]: "Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. That was soooo cool!"

• Psychologist Richard Stephens of Keele University has come up with a useful rebuff for teenagers chastised by their parents for swearing. Whilst the argument that swearing shows a low range of vocabulary may still be true, on the study led by Stephens which found swearing helps relieve pain. An experiment where college students had to keep their hands immersed in cold water found that those who swore more reported less pain and endured it for 40 seconds longer than others. Stephens goes one further:

"I would advise people, if they hurt themselves, to swear."

• The debate about the effect the film Bruno will have on gay rights continues. Web Monitor reported last week that film critic a gay protagonist in a Blockbuster as a good thing for gay rights. Now the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation have had a chance to see the film and disagree. GLAAD president Jarrett Barrios says the film reinforces gay stereotypes. It turns out that Universal had already shown the film to GLAAD members and asked for their feedback but according to Barrios, the offending scenes stayed in, including a scene with a baby sharing a gay jacuzzi party. USA Today reports that Universal defends itself, saying the film:

" ...uses provocative comedy to powerfully shed light on the absurdity of many kinds of intolerance and ignorance, including homophobia."

• In a move not seen since that 1991 film Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, a 15-year-old intern, Matthew Robson, has made a splash whilst on work experience. The front page of the a story this morning about the intern's report he wrote during his work experience at Morgan Stanley on the media habits of young people. The 'Teenage Scribbler's' report was described as "one of the clearest and most thought-provoking insights we have seen" by Morgan Stanley's Edward Hill-Wood. The his dismissal of Twitter as for old people and which said big TVs are hot but anything with wires is, like, so not cool.

• In the Weekly Standard, US political satirist about TV pundits calling them badly informed lazy so-and-sos. He imagined an advert for newspaper reporters to become TV Pundits:

"Facts? Your producer will pull them out of a hat. Figures? Computer graphics whiz-kids will generate them for you. Sick of running down reliable sources? Had it with standing up for journalistic principles? Give those tired dogs a rest!"

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

How many other people saw and had visions of Gordon Brown selling copies of YMCA ?
Paul Greggor, London

It's Monday morning and I'm confused already. A fairground hit a man in the face after he punched it, so he punched it again and has been fined for breaking it. Can somebody explain why the fairground operator wasn't fined for having dangerous equipment and why he isn't trying to get his money back from whoever sold him a 1,950 euro punch bag that breaks when people punch it? I thought the deal with punchbags was that you punched them and they didn't (a) fight back or (b) get injured.
David Richerby, Leeds

At the time of writing the two most shared stories on the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ news site are , says senior male midwife, and . Anyone care to take a wild guess at the target of some of those in pain who are doing the swearing?
Gatz, Chelmsford

Once more, headline promises but story disappoints somewhat: .
Joe, Salford, UK

I hope these new canine hacks (Paper Monitor) don't start indulging in any "bone tapping"...
I'll get my (glossy) coat.
Jim, Crowborough

I note the Magazine is available on both Twitter and Facebook. Does the Monitor have any comment regarding the news that these two are combining with YouTube to create a new networking site called YouTwitFace.com?
Leif, Aylesbury, Bucks

How much does a mullet haircut cost?
Philip, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

Strange, tangential and often unlikely events laid at the door of the credit crunch.

Some British fish and chip shops have been trying out fishy tactics by passing off catfish from the rivers of the Mekong delta in Vietnam as the traditional dish's standard ingredient of cod. .

With 55% of children reporting that they are worried about how the recession will affect their families, pester power is on the decline for the first time since World War II. And even if children weren't asking for less, 56% of parents report saying "no" more often. .

The number of men suffering from eating disorders is on the rise. While this demographic still only accounts for about 10% of all cases, there has been an increase in adult men seeking treatment since the crunch began. .

In the past year, British people gained a total of 20 million stone, which one survey links back to the recession. When asked for the reason behind the weight gain, top responses included stress eating, buying cheaper and less healthy food, working longer hours and not being able to afford gym membership. .

Tough times are expected to cause a dip in UK divorce rates, with one explanation being that it is more difficult to sell the family home in a falling housing market. But for couples who do split up, the number who cite money problems as a reason is likely to rise. .

According to one survey, a fifth of British people have resorted to selling treasured belongings to survive the recession. Among the loot: porn magazines from the 1940s, record collections and a wooden leg. .

The recession may be causing a spike in fabricated burglary reports, in an attempt to make false insurance claims. One police station had 10 such episodes over the past few months. .

Last year, England's use of antidepressant prescriptions went up by more than two million compared with the year before. With a total of 36 million prescriptions in 2008, there has been an increase of almost 25% over the past five years. .

More people may be turning to their backyards into homes for an unusual new pet - a chicken. According to early evidence, more people are combating the recession with the economical animal, which produces eggs, eats table scraps and has waste that can be composted. .

Writers' advances have dropped to about three-quarters of what they used to be. Historians, in particular, have been hurt by this trend. While they used to earn an advance of £120,000, now the rate is a mere £20,000. .

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's not a good time to be a journalist. Battered and bruised by last week's allegations of phone tapping, the Journogate row rumbles on (still largely in the , as the papers who stand accused, and their sister publications, try and ignore the whole thing). This comes on top of cost cutting and job losses due to the recession.

But just when hacks thought things couldn't get any worse, they are having to compete for column inches with dogs. Yes, dogs. Paper Monitor first commented on this a few years ago when David Blunkett's guide dog Sadie started writing an occasional column in the Sun. And again when a Jack Russell called Hercules started penning pieces for the Thunderer column in the Times earlier this year.

Now Roy Hattersley's dog is getting in on the act. Writing for the same column, he chews over the subject of dog muzzles and whether he and his friends should be forced to wear them in public (he suggests not). He even goes on to complain that last week was a bad week for dogs - try being a journalist you little mutt. Oh yes, you are.

One dog writing for a newspaper can be brushed aside as a gimmick, two a funny coincidence, but three indicates a trend. Some might say the press can be as vicious as a pack of hounds and are getting their just desserts. But aside from that, where will this end? Is there a four-legged fur ball eyeing up PM's seat as this is being typed? Man's (in the all-encompassing meaning of the word man) best friend? I should coco.

• Bookmark with:
• |
• |
• - What's this?

"If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won't get a chance to produce children" - India's health and family welfare minister on latest plans for population control

The Indian government has called for a re-doubling of efforts to bring electricity to all its rural population, believing that, among other benefits, it will help slow population growth. "When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies," said Ghulam Nabi Azad, the health and family welfare minister.

• Bookmark with:
• del.icio.us |
• Digg |
• Reddit
• - What's this?