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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Misuse of the Red Cross emblem is a breach of the Geneva Convention.

2. Boys cost £7,000 more to rear than girls during school years.

3. A baobab fruit has six times as much vitamin C, per gram, as an orange.

4. White Americans are 14% more likely than other ethnic groups to survive cancer.

5. The switch from coal gas to non-toxic North Sea gas has contributed to a fall in the number of suicides.

6. There are estimated to be more than 2,000 Esperanto speakers in the UK.

7. Chocolate poisons dogs.

8. Twelve countries, including the US, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Libya and Russia, ban travel and immigration for HIV-positive people.

9. Young teenagers are drinking less and consuming fewer drugs.

10. House prices are up.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Chris Lewis for this week's picture of 10 shells.

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Well done MM for your . I have found in increasingly difficult to find anything positive in the news in recent times, and as an annoyingly optimistic soul I was beginning to think maybe I lived in Zimbabwe (pronounced Zim-BAHB-wee according to reliable sources close to this correspondent) and not Reading (pronounced REE-ding according to reliable sources close... well ok, maybe not). Now please go tell your grumpy cousin whose unremitting misery seems intent on tarnishing this floundering optimism.
Dylan, Reading, UK

I'm sorry, but I don't find find "House prices are up" a cheerful thought. On the contrary.
Martje Ross, Lancaster, UK

To answer The Bob from Glasgow (Letters, Thurs), both "mice" and "mouses" are acceptable forms of the plural of computer mouse. However, as the device was so named by its inventor because of its resemblance to a mouse of the rodent variety, my personal preference is "mice".
PS, Newcastle, England

The Bob from Glasgow, as Mr Jinks would tell you, the actual pural is "meeces", as in "I hate those meeces to pieces".
TS, Bromley, England

Nominative Determinism watch: Double points for the fish-plus-sound link. Good job, professor!
Bob Pearman, Chester

Re: Maybe someone left it there on porpoise? Sorry.
Stuart, Croydon

Re: The use of the word "nearby" is a bit misleading here. Runcorn and Widnes aren't "nearby" Halton, they *are* Halton. You'll have people wondering why Runcorn and Widnes people also want in on the whole Miss Halton thing. And yes, I think Miss Halton should have a connection to one of the towns, otherwise what is the point? Hmm, just realised I am getting all ranty about a beauty pageant. Now that's pointless.
Michaela, Runcorn, UK

I agree with Rob (Letters, Wed) that a news story would not specify 'female cleaner' or 'male barrister', however if it was 'female oil-rig worker' or 'male nanny' the sex would probably be specified as it is contrary to the average reader's expectation. 'Nurse' is still gendered female in many people's minds, so saying 'male nurse' provides useful clarification.
Sarah, London

Re: Paper Monitor Thursday...does the necessity of the honourable Paper Monitor to explain that the Evening Standard is a London newspaper have anything to do with ?
Chris, Bristol

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Winning entries in the now-returned Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week's picture shows dancer Philippe Priasso hanging from an excavator as he performs "Transport Exceptionnels" in New York.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. CoasterCowboy
"Breaking News: New York, an unexploded performance dancer was dug up by contractors, disposal experts have been alerted."

5. Dodie_James
An estate agent pleads with the developers to keep building.

4. stigmondo
When the wind blew away the invisibility cloak, Harry's prowess at high jump was revealed for what it was.

3. rogueslr
"Very impressive, but what bait did you use?"

2. Cards88
The celebrity archive digger finally finds out what happened to Wayne Sleep.

1. nigelmccc
"OK, white socks and black shoes! I'll sign the confession, just put me down!"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Ronnie Wood and the young Russian cocktail waitress said to have caused him to come crashing off the wagon have both long since flown his Irish bolthole.

The Rolling Stone is in rehab, and she is holed up in a "shabby flat" in Kentish Town. (Those familiar with this careworn corner of the capital will no doubt concur with the Sun's description of the rental accommodation on offer.)

The paper has tracked down Ekaterina - it again puts her age at 20 - popping out for "cans of lager and a kebab". Looks more like she's been on a Pret run from the photos alongside.

The paper has also dug into its picture archives to find images of a young Jo Wood, claiming she looks just like Ekaterina (why does Paper Monitor keep starting to type "Electra"?) with her "long blonde hair and pouting lips". It is, frankly, a struggle to spot the resemblance, especially as that description could equally apply to Amii, 22, on page three and to the bloke on page six. If you can stomach the idea that Boris Johnson pouts.

The man at the apex of this imbroglio is also set to break his silence, in the Financial Times. Hold up, the Financial Times?!? "TOMORROW Ronnie Wood has Lunch with the FT" runs its promo line for a regular weekend feature that must not normally have tabloid editors fuming in their Ferraris.

The paper is in the pink with this one. Talk about timing. But before stampeding to the newsagents on Saturday, remember that he is unlikely to have spilled all over lobster thermidor. This lunch will have taken place well before Wood's admittance to a celebrity relaxation facility, and so well before the FT knew it had any sort of scoop.

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See the Quote of the Day every morning on the .

"His record is toast" - Salman Rushdie taunts wine writer Malcolm Gluck over book signing feat.

You might think Salman Rushdie has bigger fish to fry, what with years of Islamist death threats and so forth, but this week he is vexed by Gluck's claim in the Guardian letters page that while the wine quaffer had signed 1,000 books in an hour there was no way the Booker of Booker winner could have.

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So a Leeds beauty queen is , but is called Miss Basra... How many towns and cities does she want to be the beauty queen of?
Steven, Manchester

Re: - just to put my pedant hat on, is the plural of computer mouse not "mouses"?
The Bob, Glasgow

Re: So MRSA is now a computer virus?
Sarah, Uxbridge

Arrgh stop! I woke this morning with Chiquitita in my head, had Winner takes it all while on the bus to work, now Paper Monitor, Weds is singing SOS at me... I haven't even see the movie yet!
Flo, Edinburgh

I'm sure the writers at the Beeb must be having some sort of league table to see who's rate a mention on MM:
Shiz, Cheshire, UK

I think the final nail in the coffin was the fact that it is not as sexy as the competition - Klingon and Elvish. If you are going to speak a made-up language why not one where you can dress up like your favourite movie character while doing it. Do the Esperanto convention attendees get to wear silly outfits too.
Mike Thomas, Wirral

Adam - it took me several seconds to work out Leeds/Leads - very good. But you ask where else they could be based. How about Barking or Kenilworth or even the Isle of Dogs. See what you've started now...
Anna, Northumberland

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

How old is Ekaterina Ivanova, the Russian cocktail waitress who has supposedly caused Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood to fall off the wagon?

Originally, when the story broke less than a fortnight ago, in the Sun, the paper said she was 18 - a "fact" echoed in the Daily Mirror and Evening Standard (a local London paper) when they hastily squeezed the story into their pages, so as not to seem behind the pace.

Following it up a day later, under the headline "Ronnie Wood goes on a bender with Russian blonde, 19", the Daily Express noted Ms Ivanova had been 18 when she FIRST MET Wood.

Others, such as the Mail on Sunday, clearly weren't convinced and continued to toe the line that Ronnie's "muse" was 18.

Then "Eka's mum" sought to put the record straight in the Sun, explaining "she is not 18, she is 20."

Yet today's Daily Mail and Mirror quote Miss Ivanova thus:

"Katia is so naive. She is just 19" - Mail.

"She is so depressed and she is crying a lot. She is just 19" - Mirror.

It's not just her daughter whose age is causing some furrowing of the brow. While today's Independent (yes, that's right, even the Indy has got its teeth into this one) is one of several papers to note that Ms Ivanova Senior is 48, the Sun tells it like this: "Tearful Irina, 45...".

It could all be down to translation - after all, as a native Russian speaker who could blame Irina Ivanova for getting confused? But given the column inches devoted to this story in recent weeks, Paper Monitor wonders if it's time for the papers to call on the services of a translator.

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"You can't even buy something the size of a toilet for that" - Yu Pingju, offered £25,000 to quit his Beijing home for an Olympics clear up.

It's a brave man who takes on the authorities in China, especially over a matter such as the Olympics. But that's just what Yu Pingju is doing by refusing to give up his family home in Beijing - a "tumble-down shack" in the heart of the city's historic quarter. His house is one of many so-called nail houses - homes whose owners have refused to leave for redevelopment - that have sprung up with the introduction of property laws last year.

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I'd be interested to know why the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ sees the need to use the term "male nurse" in the headline to. Is the fact that his name is David not enough? They wouldn't use 'male barrister' or 'female cleaner', would they? So why specify a sex here?
Rob, Birmingham, UK

Re: David Kelso believes "if you want to travel the world and speak to people on equal terms then learning Esperanto is the way to do it," yet the highest estimate of Esperanto speakers is two million worldwide. This really proves his other view, that "people who learn it tend to be idealistic" and possibly that they're bad at maths too.
PS, Newcastle, England

Well where else would the Dogs Trust be based? A new twist on Nominative Determinism .
Adam G, Merstham

Re: the . Will the NHS be able to fund the treatment I now need in order to remove the mental image of Cameron in a Laura Croft outfit from my head? The images, they burn!
Meghan, London, UK

David Cameron may fancy himself as a bit of a Lara Croft, but I'd personally like to see Brown with a 'tache, red hat and a pair of dungarees. He'd make a cracking Mario.
Emma Cox, Essex

So the House of Commons is now inhabited by not only Heathcliff but also Lara Croft? What's next, Nick Clegg comparing himself to Doctor Who?
Susannah, Northampton

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A belated service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor does apologise for the late-running of this service, but with the days lengthening out, a sleep-in and a bit of skiving was in order. D'oh! Just gone and forgotten the first rule of skiving. And the second. Don't. Talk. About. Skiving.

Hey-ho, too late now. And a happy morning it was too, eating popcorn and singing along to 007's rendition of SOS in the local cinema.

And it was on a promise from the Daily Telegraph that Paper Monitor ditched work and headed to the flicks. Only it get the day wrong. And the cinema. And the film.

Because the Telegraph went to see The Dark Knight, the latest instalment of the Batman franchise. As did the Times. And the rest of them.

OK, Heath Ledger's turn as The Joker - a character Paper Monitor finds disturbing even in the cartoon-like POW! BIFF! TV series of its youth - sounds like it blisters its way off the screen and hard-wires itself into one's terror cortex.

So good is the late star said to be in the film that he's been granted the sad-eyed slot on the front page of the Independent.

But Paper Monitor refuses to feel cowed by being stood up by its Fleet St chums. As a sensitive soul, probably better to awake tunelessly singing "So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me SOS..." rather than being jerked from slumber by dreams of a scary clown.

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"There is an element to politics that is a bit like Tomb Raider" - David Cameron likens his job to that of Lara Croft

The Conservative leader is desperate to get his hands on the ancient artefact of power. And he's willing to slay tigers, push blocks and swan dive into waterfalls to succeed. Or maybe not.

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Am I the only one who wondered if this may be a simple case of nominative determinism? If I move my rear end into a sideways position, my back certainly gives a warning twinge.
Caroline, Stuttgart, Germany

It appears, despite the ceaseless mocking, that Elmer J Fudd (not an American mortgage lender) was right about them .
Dylan, Reading, UK

"There are two possible explanations - that the bug is roeselii... the other possibility is that (it) may not be roeselii at all." () Thanks to the experts for this definitive conclusion.
Paul Greggor, London

Let the never again be underestimated.
Ben Merritt, Sheffield, England

"." So this is how a certain prominent singer keeps herself supplied whilst travelling.
Andy, Bradford

Never mind Tranquillo Barnetta - can Amy Winehouse help me to complete my sticker album?
Frederick Heath-Renn, London, UK

?
Anna H, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

"Got, got, got, need, need, got, got, need bad!"

It's a blast from the past for some, a time when social status was defined by how close you were to filling your footie sticker album. The pinnacle was a foil World Cup sticker.

And it turns out Amy Winehouse has the bug. The Sun says she is collecting the stickers for a Euro 2008 album to give to her husband when he gets out of prison.

The inset photo on the story is of Swiss midfielder Tranquillo Barnetta, who you would have to say is unlikely ever to be described as "need bad".

First "hat off" for the day goes to the Times where page 32 has a lead on villagers tracing their caveman ancestors. The first paragraph is dominated by 127 uses of the word "great" - as in grandparents. It is a triumphant intro.

Minor oscillation of the hat for the Sun's headline on the water supply infected by a dead rabbit: "OI, OUR WATER TASTES BUNNY"

There's a contrast in "attitudes towards Germans" within Associated's stable. In the Metro, there's an interview with Henning Wehn, the German whose comedy routine is based on sending up British attitudes towards Germans and their ongoing obsession with World War II.

In the Daily Mail there is a two-page spread with a giant photo of the shadow left by an airship on a suburban street. The headline reads: "In the shadow of the Zeppelin again (but zis time it's for fun).

Just in case you don't geddit, Littlejohn makes it crystal clear a couple of pages later.

"Stella Artois... is planning to hire a Zeppelin, piloted by a German called Fritz, to take tourists on an aerial trip across London. How about bringing them over on doodlebugs? Don't be surprised if they encounter a little light ack-ack over Wapping."

Ah, how could Wehn accuse the British of an obsession with the war?

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"She's working and it's a very busy schedule. Today she is in Blackpool" - Old ma Cheeky Girl, Magrit Irimia Scmal, on the strains that have led to rumours of a split between daughter Gabriela and MP Lembit Opik.

The notoriously rocky ride that is MP Lembit Opik's love life hit another rumble strip after it was revealed the Lib Dem politician and his betrothed, Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia, hadn't spoken for at least two weeks. There's no suggestion that the engagement is off, says Gabriela's mum, but prudent associates of the couple should perhaps desist from buying a hat just for now.

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Getting tough on knife crime? It's one thing to come around in a hospital bed recovering from a stabbing, quite another if the first face you see from your bed is the smiling face of your attacker, even if under police escort.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Sam, Waddesdon, Nr Aylesbury, UK

Good Heavens. I know that General Synod have been debating some particularly tricky issues at the moment and that, if we believe the media (and Lisa Jardine has made me think hard about that) the whole Anglican Communion is on the brink of some sort of meltdown, but I had no idea that we are now baptising sheep. Christened Nick Boing ( )? I know Christ is the Good Shepherd - but really - isn't this taking things a bit too far?
Aqua Suliser, Bath

Can it really be true that the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ only has one stock photo of someone asleep with which to illustrate its stories? See , , , and . Perhaps we should have a photo competition to help out.
Jools, Brighton, UK

I'd just like to congratulate Rowan Pelling in today's Magazine article for an excellent usage of the word .
Paul T, Manchester

I would like to reassure Magazine Monitor that no brain cells were harmed in the writing of this letter.
Lee Pike, Auckland, New Zealand

Ian, Redditch and the film Journey to the Center of the Earth (Friday letters): I am old enough to remember seeing the original Star Wars in 1977. The film featured a type of weapon called a "Lightsabre". When the series was revived a few years back, it had become "Lightsaber(TM)". Seems Hollywood can't be bothered changing things into British English any more.
Ken, Hornchurch, Essex

David, Bentley, who said in Friday letters that penguin is Welsh for "black head" - you're almost there. Penguin is Welsh for white head. pen = head, gwyn = white.
Sioned, Cardiff/Caerdydd

Beg to differ, Samuel (Friday letters). According to the OED, "beg the question" means to raise a point that has not been dealt with, or to invite an obvious question. I hate to say it, but Paul wasn't wrong.
Alison, London, UK

To Vicky from Brisbane (Friday letters): it doesn't always do to translate things literally. Carla Bruni's new album, Comme si de rien n'etait, means "Like it never happened".
Tommy Scragend, Wigan

Vicky, if we tried to understand every language by translating it literally, we'd get nowhere.
Jude McArdle, London (currently NYC)

Apologies in advance for pedantry... But, Rowan from Hastings (Friday letters), your gender is either feminine, masculine or neutral. Your SEX is female. It's really not a rude word you know...
Steve Clennell, Burton on Trent

Dylan, where were you (Friday letters)? I've a cold now from waiting in the rain. Achooo.
Louise, Sainsburys car park

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has such a short attention span that the things that occur to say about the weekend papers have usually dispersed into the ether by the time one's Monday morning's eyeshade is in place.

But there have been such changes in the Sunday Times, with its relaunch last week, that a special effort of memory was in order.

Firstly one should perhaps say that, though one generally enjoys the weekday Times, the Sunday Times hasn't ever quite hit the mark for Paper Monitor. It's big, yes, and it has multifarious sections, natch. But it's felt a bit like a wedding buffet - lots on offer and you can see why people might be queuing up, but one would rather have a sit-down meal.

Well, the relaunch has now introduced full colour, a new typeface, new design and something of a different tone. Actually to be honest, if one did a blind test - all obvious clues as to the paper's identity removed - it would be quite hard to tell. In general, one is more likely to read the Sunday Times following this relaunch than beforehand.

Long-time readers of this column will know the special affection Paper Monitor has for those occasions when newspaper talk about themselves, usually at times of redesign. They are normally full of all sorts of guff (), but this example of small-minded minutiae is just the sort of thing Paper Monitor loves, and would gladly award kudos all round if ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ policy permitted.

To whit: "Last week we invited you to tell us what you like, and what you didn't, about the new design of your paper... Some of your suggestions we have been able to act upon immediately: you will notice that we have increased the point size and added more weight to the type in fact boxes, sidebars and graphics. Some readers also expressed a preference for a larger size of body-copy type and next week we will increase it from 9.1 to 9.3pt on a slightly wider leading."

Now that's accountability.

How, then, will the paper's weekday sister (brother?) the Times respond to the reader who writes in, noting the fondness for illustrating education articles with pictures of attractive female students. Triplets, to judge by the photo the paper helpfully reprints alongside.

With GCSE and A-level season almost upon us, C. Osborne, of Hadfield, Derbyshire, requests assurances that reports will be illustrated with "spontaneous and unposed photographs of attractive girls opening envelopes, hugging effusively, jumping for joy, forming human pyramids etc, and that no exam success whatsoever is predicted for girls who are fat, spotty or plain, and certainly for no boys at all".

No response from the paper's powers-that-be as of yet, but do keep an eye out when exam results fall due.

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"He comes in every evening, head-butts the cushions off the settee and watches TV" - Owner of pet 22-stone ram

When David Palmer temporarily rescued a stray lamb three years ago he had no idea what he was letting himself in for. Now it is 22-stone, christened Nick Boing and a permanent resident in his house.

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