成人快手

Friday 17 October

Stephen has kindly given us all CDs of dance music to practice to which is really sweet of him, although I haven鈥檛 yet tried to play it backwards to check that there are no subliminal messages saying 鈥測ou shall dance really badly鈥� on it!

According to Lorna M鈥檚 partner though, there might well be little messages on it because he got a little cross with her for the heinous crime of 鈥渘ot being able to do the steps鈥�. I ask you!听I mean what this night all about? Dancing?!

Not in our corner of the office it鈥檚 not! It鈥檚 all about the dresses as far as we鈥檙e concerned. This week we heard that a local dress hire firm had been lined up to supply our outfits. This concerned me on a number of levels.

Firstly, I always prefer to choose my own clothes. Ever since I donned a bright purple trousers and lurid yellow jumper combo 鈥� well, it was the seventies and I was about six - I have tended to source my own outfits. Sorry mum!

Also second hand party dresses worry me a little. I mean you never know exactly what has happened in them do you? And I鈥檝e been to parties 鈥� so I have a pretty good idea! So it was with that thought that Lorna M and I, with the help of our very own Gok Wan (fellow online journalist Jan Hetherington!) ventured onto E-bay one lunchtime. Yes 鈥� why go local when you can help the global economy by having something shipped half way across the world?!

I get a veggie box, buy meat from the local farm shop and recycle with a passion that frankly scares me, so I鈥檓 sure I鈥檝e got some carbon in reserve somewhere just waiting for this kind of crisis to crop up! And seeing as I have a couple of dos coming up where I need something a bit sparkly, I felt this was a justified expense.

After a very quick search I found it. The perfect dress, whose delicate layers of black and white lace meant that I would not need to purchase another pair of shoes.听 (For those who might be wondering, this - according to my husband anyway - is a GOOD thing!)

The only problem was that there were five long days to the end of the auction. I couldn鈥檛 possibly wait that long so my finger hovered over the 鈥淏uy It Now鈥� button. But common sense took over and I decided to wait, if only to check with image consultant Sarah Setterfield who was the expert on Lorna鈥檚 show that afternoon.

Sarah said that black was camouflage. Well 鈥� too right it is. Do people think I actually want to appear as myself at this thing. And if I can get away with it I鈥檒l be in shades as well! Also I have to say that, after Lorna blabbed to the 3CR audience on her programme that we had been on E-bay, I feel it is my duty to explain that it was at lunchtime and not quite the whole morning that she made it out to be. Honest!

Saturday 18 October

Common sense left me again. I gave in and, mentally apologising to my carbon footprint, I bought the dress. The thought that somebody might pip me to the post was unthinkable. Therefore, today I was having none of this E-bay bidding business (i.e. faffing about) so I went straight to BUY IT NOW! Of course, now there鈥檚 the small matter of suitable underwear 鈥� something sturdy I think!

Sunday 19 October

Tried to play Stephen鈥檚 CD on my CD player at home. It didn鈥檛 work, and instead of the track number coming up in the digital display, the simple word 鈥淣o鈥� appeared! Charming. It was as if it was simply refusing to play it 鈥� it鈥檚 good to know that even my household appliances are turning against me now. Or maybe it knows something that I don鈥檛?!

Laura concentrates hard

At lunchtime I remembered that this competition was actually all about dancing and not merely sartorial elegance so I went to a rehearsal.

I now have a partner 鈥� which is excellent. He knows what he鈥檚 doing and most importantly, can lead me. My only worry is that I maybe JUST old enough to be his mother, so it would be inappropriate to display any of my trademark raw sexuality in the dance!

The main thing though was that I had at least remembered the steps from last week, so now I just have to make sure that I do them at the same time as my partner so as to not flatten his feet, add a little bit of panache, smile very widely so that no one actually notices my feet and Bob, as they say, will be my uncle!

The problem is that in my mind I am Ginger Rogers 鈥� in reality I am more Ginger biscuit!

Monday 20 October

Tickets for the event went on sale at 9.00am and despite me thinking that no one could possibly want to see a bunch of no marks heaving themselves around the dance floor, 100 tickets had been sold in the first hour! 鈥淏limey 鈥� it鈥檚 just like Oasis at Knebworth all over again鈥� laughed my husband, 鈥渁 seminal moment in history.鈥�
But somehow I don鈥檛 think there鈥檒l be a 10 year anniversary special edition of NME or souvenir T-Shirt either. And we鈥檒l certainly not be putting on an extra night!

Tuesday 21 October

I decided that I need a second dress for the Latin dance but Lorna M informed me that we could only wear ONE dress because there was no time to change! Pah! After a number of years in amateur dramatics I have learned that there鈥檚 very little that you can鈥檛 achieve with a bit of Velcro. I mean, would you EVER see Cheri Lunghi wearing the same dress for two dances? I think not! So now I have come up with an ingenious Bucks Fizz-esque idea for changing the first dress into the second but I will have to wait for it to arrive to see if this will be possible!

Wednesday 22 October

Googled supportive underwear. Ian Pearce suggested I Google Isambard Kingdom Brunel. I wasn鈥檛 impressed.

Thursday 23 October

I can kind of do the basic steps so I鈥檝e put that on the back burner for now and while others plan their extra coaching sessions, I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my dress from the Far East, checking out the cheap bling in Primark and looking for support pants in Matalan!

The truth is that I really don鈥檛 have a lot of time to do the 100 mile round trip to the rehearsal rooms to practice on other nights of the week. But for those of us who do live further away, Gareth Lloyd is currently trying to organise for a little extra rehearsal time nearer to where we live. That will be good as I don鈥檛 want to let my partner down, so, providing that we can work around his homework schedule, I may get a little extra practice in!

But my basic aim is just to learn the steps and get round the floor without looking like too much of a plonker, and wearing a nice dress. I am not desperate to win but if I can beat any of those that are 鈥� and believe me there are 鈥� then so much the better! Bring it on!