To a Clergyman
By Francis Boyle
DEAR reverend sir, you're very fine,
An' as black as a raven,
I hear you're grown a great divine,
Tak's a new way to heaven.
'Twas up the brae, I heard them say,
That pious pilgrims travel,
But you hae found a nearer way,
A road baith straight an' level.
While pious folk do pray an' read,
You're tossin' aff your glasses,
The chiefest point in a' your creed,
Is "kiss the bonny lasses."
A' ither creeds you haud in scorn,
Or count them useless blethers,
You'd rather hae a lass upon
A bed o' down or feathers.
But whan ye chance to sit owre late,
Aye tipplin' at the brandy,
An' hae nae sermon to repeat,
Tak' ane frae Tristram Shandy.
For Shandy was a dainty lad,
A lang clear-headit fallow,
Could teach the pulpiteer that's bad -
Whase brains are weak or shallow.
The Bible ye can scoff an' scorn,
Whane'er ye get half cockit;
But ye repent next Sunday's morn,
An' slip it in your pocket.
Unto the kirk awa' you hie,
A numerous congregation
Attendin' there, attentively,
To hear your learn'd oration.
Whan to the sermon you begin,
Ye maun gie them a stretcher,
Sae monie folk are gather't in,
To hear the auld-light preacher.
You're but an auld-light in pretence,
The new-light fits you better,
This is weel ken't by men o' sense,
Wha understand the matter.
But now sir, ye hae got a wife,
In virtue that surpasses,
I hope you'll now reform your life,
An' quat your wine an' lasses;
Sir, ye maun get a periwig,
To come down to your shouther.
The barber-man will mak' it trig,
An' dust it owre wi' pouther.
An' whan you're drest in wig and ban',
Like some douce reverent carle,
Some folks may say, an' point their han',
"A wolf in sheep's apparel."
But never mind their clish-ma-clash,
Set sinners a' a weepin';
What folks do say ye needna fash,
While ye can get your stipen'.
Pray for your King wi' a' your heart,
On Britain's throne that's seatit,
Pour anathemas on Bonaparte,
That he may be defeatit;
And then you'll turn a loyal man,
In spite o' Napper Tandy,
Now the big bounty's come to han',
Sae ye may tak' your brandy.
