成人快手

by Hannah, aged 12

Hello, I'm Bart, your average London pigeon. You know, filthy feathers and scabby legs and all that. I was born one of 3 chicks, but 'coz to the increase in London buses, I'm the only one of us left. Shame, innit? Anyways, I live in Trafalgar Square- nice place if you're looking for a girlfriend or a new pair of RayBans or whatever. The views are nice too- some fountains and statues of men.

Mind you, it's also full of toddlers who chase you on scooters, mums who throw rubbish at us, and yobbos who think they're so cool but really they're just boys with their trousers too low who watch rude videos and use enough hair gel to stick Taylor Swift to the ceiling.

Yeah, so I also live here 'coz of the old ladies who sit on benches and chuck birdseed at us. Tastes nice, I'm telling you, like that pizza flavour with all the cheese and red stuff. I dunno why, but old ladies are obsessed with feeding us. Like they think we're magic ponies or something. There's one lady in particular, Elizabeth or something, and she's like some really important person- I know 'coz her head are on all the coins people drop in the fountains. She always feeds us fresh bread and barley and she's quite a nice lady really.

So one day, I was sitting on "The Fourth Plinth", (there's one place where a statue's meant to be but it's empty so they call it "The Fourth Plinth") trying to get a robin's attention, when I heard footsteps. I knew who it was- Elizabeth. But wait, those silly teenagers who fancy themselves I was telling you about earlier were sitting on Elizabeth's usual bench! She just sat down calmly next to them, and started chucking birdseed on the ground like usual. Ooh, here comes a robin. She's sooooo pretty...

"AARRGGHH!" I hear a loud scream like that, and realise that those stupid teengaers did something. Yep, Elizabeth was running helplessly towards two spotty-faces teenagers (who I remember fed me mouldy bread 'bout a week ago) clutching Elizabeth's bag and running away. They had stolen her bag! I didn't know what to do, so I just flew viciously over them like the birds in movies. Ugh, the mouldy bread is really giving me a tummy ache. Ooh... I think I'm gonna have an accident...

"Stupid @&%#* pigeons!" cried the teenagers. Whoops, I just spattered them wonderously in my mouldy bread-mixed poo. The teenagers ran away saying VERY rude things about me while I swooped down and returned the stolen bag back to Elizabeth.

So yeah, maybe I made a bad impression on the robins, but guess what? After I "saved" Elizabeth, I became FAMOUS! I went on this thing called "Blue Peter" and I was in the news, but best of all...

THE FOURTH PLINTH ISN'T EMPTY! It is now filled by a grand statue of yours truly. So respect us pigeons, yeah?