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1863? We must be running late.

Well Officer, if you’re so sure I stole that vase, why can’t you find it?

Excuse me old chap, would you mind awfully minding the gap?

I'm sure I can hear those Wombles singing around here somewhere

I hear Samuel Clemens is paying us a visit.

Tooting Broadway? Actually, I was just humming the National Anthem.

Mind the gape

Oh, spare me Baldrick. Save your cunning plans for Blackadder

All adored!

Plains, trains and horseless carriages

You Americans and your subways! All I wanted was a baguette.

Does this train go to Blackfriars?

Nah, it's going to Turnham Green.

Top hat and tales

It may be quiet now, officer, but trust me. In years to come every train will be crammed every day with London's finest brains. It will be a veritable tube of smarties.

So officer, how did you come to called ‘The Met’?

It's parked on single yellow lines. Shift it.

Only fools and horses? Today it's trains in drains.

"Metropolitan? That name will never catch on..."

It's full of flour and it stinks, so they've nicknamed it the Breadmaker's Toilet. Personally, I prefer the name Bakerloo Line.

When they said they were going to run trains through tubes underground, I told them they conduit.

And I hear the lads at Union Pacific are all steamed up about it, too.

"That's the 'Her Majesty' line to you..."

I've been waiting 150 years for this train to arrive, is it late?

Metro-spective

When Boris said he wanted to reintroduce Victorian values I thought he was kidding.

"Yes, everyone will have access, it's called YourTube"

All the passengers are sitting like sacks of potatoes.

Ah, that's because they're tubers.

It'll never catch on. Some novelty or other will be needed to attract the public. Something like a free newspaper would do the trick.

After yet another car accident, this time John Simm went even further back in time

Does this train go to Mornington Crescent?

I say old chap, do you think we'll end up on U-Tube?

You want the jaundice clinic? Yes, Sir, just follow the yellow line.

Well officer, I heard the driver asking the passengers to mind the doors and the next minute some bounder made off with this one. Fortunately it's the third class compartment so we can still run the service.

Games Makers regret taking the Method approach to getting home from the opening ceremony.

I think you'll find Mrs Laura Jesson's in the overground station.
It's Jessops that down the tubes.

Well you have to hand it to Simon Sitting Bull, he certainly knows how to build a tunnel.

One day, lad, these trains will all be electric, and the passengers will be known as commutators

The funnel was knocked off in the tunnel? Well, why not use my hat?

But if it replaces the carriage, what will we do with all the horses? Eat them?

Uniform Dating's only success story.

Shock as this week's Who Do You Think You Are? reveals Ivor The Engine's English ancestry.

I'm a Bow Street Runner. It must be that curry I had for lunch.

"Sir, you seem like an honest burgher..."
(Coughs) "Indeed. I'm only a little hoarse."

So you're what they refer to as a "shortage of policemen"?

Clegg and Cameroon - The Victorian Years

Officer, have you seen one's valet? Apparently one must change at Earls Court

"I tell you, the do not like it up 'em."

"...and if it proves to be a success they're promising to let us build another station."

Within days, Parliament was buzzing with the news that the Chief Whip had apparently called the policeman a "bounder".

Don't call me Thomas.

So, there I was reading my lads' mags in my potting-shed, when this Boris Johnson guy knocks on the door and says he wants me shed for some railway celebration ...

Mind the 150 year gap.

When they heard I wanted to be an engine-driver they must have thought I'd gone loco

When Boris met Ken: The Neverending Story

You know Constable, this panelling would go well in my scullery.

It's a steamy affair, even for Victorian times.

I 'ad that Boris Johnson geezer here, so I asked him if he'd enjoyed the ride, and he replied "Erat admodum comfortable ascenditis"

What do you mean there's still a Queen on the throne? The train is standing in a station!

1865: Introduction of the first Cloister Card.

London remembers its small gauge laughing stock

'Course this used to be horse-drawn, but you can't seem to get the horses these days

Of course, what with all this steam, the whole thing stinks, but we're thinking of spraying perfume everywhere - a sort of Chanel tunnel

Actually, it's a stick of salami - a sort of truncheon meat

Walk-in wardrobe in 19th century DFS Sale

Then I got me thumb jammed in the door ... and now it's long and swollen, and it's gone all black

Having set such little precedence in organised protest, the first ever Tube strike was subject to intense kettling.

"You mean these yellow lines are not, in fact, paved gold?"

"I tell you officer, they smelt of pubs and Wormwood Scrubs"

He said he was the Lord Mayor, but he was wild-eyed, with a maniac's shock of white hair, and he was shouting out Latin slogans, so I locked him in the guard's van

"The miscreants went eastbound, officer."

Typical. You wait 150 years and then...

As a gentleman, sir, please remain on the right side of the tracks!

Do you know, I'm not quite sure those bright orange plastic things in the guard's van are as old as they'd have us believe.

I wanted to be a doctor, but my parents said I'd need to train for that. So I suggested joining the railway police, but they said I'd need a train for that too.

I jus' hopes me pay aint goin' to be Victorian too

The hat? Oh, in this style, it was 10/6.

Victor and Ian recall old times

Victor & Ian.

The train,a truly amazing British invention. Think on, in a 150 years time, Britains railways will be the envy of the world.

Excuse me officer, why are you laughing?

Crime of the century was it?

"Before I could apprehend the man he boarded a carriage and took off to the other station in Farringdon Street. Unless he boards the other train and returns back here I'm afraid he's hopelessly lost in the system."

"Officer, you have beautiful eyes."
"Thank you sir. Would you like to hold my truncheon?"

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Early matches of Mornington Crescent, usually played on-site, remained illegal for several years, forcing players into an ongoing game of cat-and-mouse with authorities.

In 150 years the uniforms may have changed but the trains are still like cattle trucks

I say, I say, what is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.

'' Is that a horse you're keeping in that buffet car sir ? ''

Going underground, do you have something to hide then Sir?

"Since we embarked on our strategy of forcing Jack the Ripper underground, it's only a matter of time before he turns up here."

"Sorry officer, you're mistaken, I'm on a day trip from Scotland...I'm Jock the Tripper"

No sir, towels are not provided for the sauna carriage.

No, it was a truncheon in my pocket - see.

And they got those doors from some museum in Paris

Member of the aristocracy caught without a ticket is taken to Earl's Court.

'' I just saw one of you chaps, came out of a blue telephone box, shabby looking and muttering 2012 all the time.....do you know him? ''

"Metropolitan, no Constable I'm a member of the Whigs but I keep it under my hat"

My superiors suspect someone may try and perpetrate a Great Train Robbery ... but I can't believe anyone would want to steal a train

"May I say officer, you're looking striking today"

I've just had a coffee, but the beans were in large pieces ... in fact, it was underground

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