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So a Higgs boson walks into a cathedral and the bishop says "You can't be here!" To which the Higgs replies, "You can't have Mass without me."
James Bengel, Raleigh, NC, USA

I've been staring at this for ages, and I still can't work out what it's meant to be... A spider's head with a hat on?
Rob, London, UK

Lee King, matenance manager of British Waterways - really?
Paul, Croydon

My favourite Russian proverb is: "Love is not a potato - you cannot throw it out of the window". Hilarious on so many levels...
Rachel, Wayzata

If plesiosaurs didn't have orange babies, I never would have seen what was happening here.
Adrian, Cardiff

Colin (Thursday letters), that's why they're piling those stones up.
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

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1. Mr Men author Roger Hargreaves was the third best-selling author of the last decade, topped only by JK Rowling and Dan Brown.

2. The prison system in Brazil holds an annual Miss Penitentiary beauty contest.

3. TV's Mork and Mindy visited a mother and daughter in Dulwich, south London, in 2003.

4. ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Radio 4 deters foxes from attacking swans.

5. Sparrows' birdsong has a lot in common with the profanity-strewn bragging of rappers.

6. A shorter than average tongue is not good if you're learning to speak Korean.

7. The Redneck Olympics contains sports such as armpit serenade, watermelon seed spitting contest and bobbin' for pigs feet.

8. Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger can sing in Sanskrit.
More details (³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Website)

9. Most of the 3.5m people who visit Liberty Island each year do not climb the Statue of Liberty.
More details (³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Website)

10. A thin belt of antimatter envelops the Earth.
More details (³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Website)

Seen 10 things? . Big thanks this week to Keith Bell from Bristol for his picture of 10 Aermacchi MB-339s, flown by the Italian Air Force aerobatic display team.

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

Guilt is the theme of the Guardian's most read story. feels guilty for not being in London, and guilty for not knowing enough about politics to come up with a solution. He even feels guilty he has lots of "blood money from representing corporate interests". As a form of peace brokering with the reader he divulges his own experiences in protests, which turns into another opportunity to berate himself for being a bit of a "twerp".

Guilt is over for people who spoil the end of a story for their friends. As, a popular wired article reports, a University of California study shows a . This could put the end to a myth that we like a good twist. Wired's Jonah Lehrer says the brain doesn't like surprises. "Our first reaction is almost never 'How cool! I never saw that coming!' Instead, we feel embarrassed by our gullibility, the dismay of a prediction error." So the guilt, he suggests should now be taken on by the writers of unpredictable twists.

In among the Daily Mail's most read articles about rioting, from "Middle " to "" is a love story. Spain's 85 year-old Duchess of Alba, according to the paper, is in order to convince them that her suitor a civil servant 15 years her junior - is not after her money. But the article seems equally besotted with the amount of titles the Duchess has - 46. That's more than any other royal in the world.

The Telegraph's readers haven't only been reading about riots either. One of their most read articles over the last month tells the tale of a strange sort of discrimination - . Really. The Hitler cat internet phenomenon, sharing pictures of cats with black fur underneath their noses, has hit a kitten in Godmanchester. The article says a kitten left on the side of the road has been nursed back to health but visitors to Wood Green animal shelter have been ignoring the Kitler "for more conventional looking kittens".

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's was Chinese artist Liu Bolin, who was paitined by colleagues to blend into rows of soft drinks in his artwork entitled Plasticizer. It is to express his speechlessness at use of plasticiser in food additives.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. MightyGiddyUpGal
Many have looked, but I'm still on the shelf.

5. Candace9839
Damn it Q, the invisibility cloak is having issues again

4. Clint75
"The drinks are on me!"

3. VirtuousFang
China's atheletes complain that the sponsorship deal for the 2012 Olympic uniform was a little OTT.

2. Eattherich
Mystery shopper takes role too seriously.

1. BaldoBingham
Is that a Soda Stream in your pocket? Or are you just pleased to see me?

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Today, we speak in praise of features. Paper Monitor's highest accolade is that it rather wishes it had thought of a particular feature idea itself.

The very best ideas seem really obvious, once they've been had of course.

The Sun has picked up on a survey from earlier in the week about the decline of hitch-hiking. They've sent their man from Sun HQ in Wapping to Glasgow, .

The feature is illustrated with a big map, but the thing that jumps out is that it took 31 hours and six lifts to make the journey. Admittedly 12 hours of that was in a hotel in Carlisle. But he got soaked by passing lorries and waited at least an hour by the road for all of his lifts. Dedication.

One thing Paper Monitor has to observe though is that as well as the reporter Lee Price, there's a photographer credited. Did they try and cadge lifts for two? Or did the photographer have his own car and follow. Hmmmmm.

Over in the Daily Mail, . It's a failure in one sense. It asks the question: "Has this woman worked out how to win the lottery?" But the question isn't answered.

At the same time, it's a fascinating read about the professional statistician and former maths professor who's won £13m with four scratchcards. It really leaves you wanting more.

In the Guardianthey have a Joe Queenan piece on the obsession with the end of the world in movies. It's a variation , but it's still entertaining stuff.

Let's drink a toast to feature-writers tonight.

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So there is a very popular petition to remove benefits from those that committed crimes in the rioting. I hope, and believe, the vast majority of benefits paid out are for those truly in need. But I think a simpler solution would be to stop calling them "benefits"! That term infers people are getting a reward from the state. Therefore potentially is that fuelling, as seen in the comments by some of these rioters, a feeling of entitlement? Calling them something like "community provided support" may change the mindset? (and not affect those who genuinely need the support)
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

When Steve Ridley suggests shutting down mobile phone networks to prevent rioters organising (Wednesday's Letters), he seems to have overlooked the fact that riots were invented long before mobile phones and the internet. Rioters in Brixton and Toxteth in 1981, for example, didn't need fancy technology. He has also failed to consider those people who want to use their mobile phones for legitimate purposes such as calling the emergency services or telling friends and family that they're OK despite just having had their house burnt to the ground. But wouldn't it be nice if the mobile phone companies donated to charity all their profits from cells affected by the riots on those nights?
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

With rising sea-levels, this might well be the first of many to be down-graded.
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK

Yes, yes, but what we really want to know is how does Tarzan do it?
Rob, United Kingdom

Did anyone else think of Europe-wide standoff between a lone fruit and chocolate bars when they saw this headline? No? Neither did I.
Anthony, Freising, Germany

To Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham (Wednesday's Letters), it's because he sat down to drink it. And it's not an espresso. And they sat outside as well! The proper Italian way to drink coffee is to gulp down your espresso at the bar. And don't get them started on the tourist habit of having a cappuccino any time after breakfast.
Alison, Reading

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

Now here's a headline that has earned its way into Discover magazine's most read spot: "". It says the US army is spending $6.3m (£3.9m) to build a thought helmet. "As improbable as it sounds" the article ploughs on, no doubt aware of the understatement, "the goal is to build a helmet embedded with brain-scanning technologies that can target specific brain waves, translate them into words, and transmit those words wirelessly to a radio speaker or an earpiece worn by other soldiers." The research is at the early stages however - as if your thoughts wander for just an instant, the computer is completely lost.

If you want to get into the minds of those working in glossy magazines, the Daily Beast's most popular article may be able to help you and it won't take a thought helmet. It - @CondeElevator. The stereotype of a worker at Vogue magazine is portrayed as calorie obsessed - summed up by this tweet:

Their minds haven't been read, their comments overheard, these celebrities have publicly pronounced the next comments. The Independent most read article is spurred to ask, after Kanye West compared himself to Hitler, for the of yesteryear. Among them are David Beckham's 2002 comment "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." Added to this is Christina Aguilera question "So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"

And finally, a popular Guardian article tries to get . Roger Ailes, is the boss of the Murdoch empire's most profitable arm, Fox News. The paper accuses the news channel of selling fear, and it says to understand Fox news, you have to understand Ailes. This is how the Guardian understands him "The 71-year-old Ailes presents the classic figure of a cinematic villain: bald and obese, with dainty hands, Hitchcockian jowls and a lumbering gait."

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Away from the serious stories about the rioting and global financial panic, editors are still persisting with normal August fayre.

Animals are on many editors' lips. The papers are falling back on that August silly season staple - the animal story - to offer an alternative.

The Sun leads the way with six separate stories featuring creatures great and small. It begins with a on the M26 motorway after being rescued by a pet shop owner.

Dogs are afforded two stories - a by its owner
and a boxer called Bruno with "an uncanny resemblance" to the Phantom of the Opera.

There are some "glittering fish" caught by an underwater photographer, a pony that likes to put its head in a tyre and, under the headline "", news that sheep rustling is on the rise

Not to be outdone is Metro, which never knowingly undersells an animal story. The rollcall of beasts includes a fossilised fly,
and which is now in a "stable condition".

There are also sheep dogs, Bruno the Phantom of the Opera again - look-alike pets are Metro's staple (not stable) after all - and a picture of some Pixar fish.

The posh papers prefer their animal stories to be, well, a bit more upmarket. So the Independent and the Times both feature pieces about grouse ahead of tomorrow's start to the shooting season.

With weak puns of course.

"Conditions for Glorious 12th may bring a few grouses" is the Times's offering.

Away from animals, sexy footballers are another silly season standby. But pity poor Peter Crouch. The how Liverpool's Steven Gerrard and Chelsea's Fernando Torres have battled it out for the title of most fanciable footballer in a poll of gay men.

But the gangly Spurs striker came bottom of the list with a measly 2%. Paper Monitor suspects that little and large duet with Kylie down at G-A-Y may now never happen.

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Rather depressingly your list of possible new measures suggested to quell the riots is mostly about meeting violence with violence. Why not be smarter than that. Shut down the entire cell phone network from 6pm to 2am accross the city centres and prevent the rioters from organising themselves on twitter etc.
Steve Ridley, Brighton

Yes Paul Moore, Sheffield (Tuesday's letters). Within all practicable boundaries all leave is canceled. i.e. If you're already in Australia you can usually stay there. If you're at the airport to go to Australia, that's a bit of a grey area. As for compensation, I wouldn't want to start *that* debate on here!
Steve, Edinburgh

Paul of Sheffield (Tuesday's letters), "all police leave cancelled" means exactly that. As a uniformed civilian force police officers are required to give their locations on holiday, as well as be in phone contact on their days off so they can be called in at short notice. This is part of their terms and conditions, along with foregoing the right to withdraw their labour (go on strike). Without wishing to get too political, in the 1970s the police forces in England and Wales negotiated a higher salary to compensate for just these things, which is why there is such dissatisfaction now at the prospect of cuts.
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

Paul from Cheltenham (Tuesday's letters), ever had a coffee in Italy? Years ago, I wanted to order a coffee at the San Marco square in Venice, only to discover that one cup would cost me the equivalent of 5.30 euros or £4.70. They would add an extra 25% if there was live music playing while you were enjoying your coffee. And this was 10 years ago.
Johan van Slooten, Urk, Netherlands

Why did Cameron pay that much for coffee anyway? Apparently, the cost of a shot of espresso in Italy is capped by law at a very reasonable price.
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

N. Spencer (Tuesday's letters), I know it is summer and a bit warm for coats but I do feel anxious about you going out without at least a cape.
Helen, London

Dear Monitor, according to Tuesday's letters, Spider Man "is only dead in the Ultimates series, NOT in Amazing Spider Man". Does this apply to us all, or just super-heroes? Is there an alternate series in which Magazine Monitor is a self made multi-millionaire media mogul married to a martial arts black belt? Is there yet another series in which MM (God forbid) has expired? Do we need to be careful when pressing some of the more obscure buttons on our remote controls in case an alternate series is selected?
Bob Martin, Southend-on-Sea, UK

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

A fourth day of rioting has spread from the most-popular lists of British news sites to international sites.

There are still some other stories that are keeping up the readers distracted, mainly of the four-legged variety.

Rosie the golden Labrador stands in front of a court house on the New York Times' most emailed article, holding his own lead. While that, and a few other pictures may be enough for an article to spread and spread in other papers, there are more high-minded concerns in the New York Times. according to the paper. For she is a therapy dog, used to accompany people, especially children, in the witness box and give them comfort. Rosie is "adorable", the paper explains, but that is also the problem. "Defense lawyers argue that the dogs may unfairly sway jurors with their cuteness and the natural empathy they attract, whether a witness is telling the truth or not".

Dogs dominate Time magazine as well. Their readers are more likely to click on an article promising than their second biggest hitter, an explanation why the riots have spread across England. Duke Canine Cognition Center is opening in autumn to research the inner workings of the dog. One such centre already exists at Harvard. The article promises "at a deeper level, it may even tell us something about ourselves." It leaves the reader to come up with some possibilities to what those revelations may be. It does however, reveal that in Siberia 40 generations of foxes have been tamed and now act remarkably like dogs.

A popular Slate article conjures up an experiment we can all have a go at to shame our Facebook friends. On a hunch that , David Plotz decided to see what would happen if he adjusted his profile to make him have three birthdays in one month. On his second fake birthday, the popular man still got 105 birthday messages. "Of the 105 birthday wishes, 45 of them - nearly half came from people who had wished me a Facebook happy birthday two weeks earlier". Oh dear, it turns out his friends may not have meant it. He blames it partly on bad memory.

Just in case you're worried that readers are gravitating towards the easy to understand, New Scientist's most-read story undertakes to explain . This isn't going to unite the theories of what your dog thinks and why people post on your Facebook page but instead hopes to bring together the theory of general relativity and quantum mechanics. Yep. Physicists are developing a term 'phase space' which is an "eight-dimensional world that merges our familiar four dimensions of space and time and a four-dimensional world called momentum space", including energy and momentum.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

For editors who often struggle to fill their pages at this time of year, August 2011 has been very different. As if the global financial crisis wasn't more than enough to take up column inches, the tales of vandalism and looting taking place across England have been seized upon with even greater relish.

As events climaxed on Monday night, it may have been that bit too late for Tuesday's editions to do them justice. However Wednesday's papers certainly make up for it with, in some cases, more than a dozen pages of coverage.

Amidst the many images of the Robocop-esque police officers and hooded looters, one story that would, in any normal August, almost definitely have hit the front pages is that of the Olympic beach volleyball test run.

The Guardian does an excellent job of not only featuring one such photograph. It's of the women's game of course. Does the men's equivalent ever get a look in? But the paper avoids looking frivolous by neatly tying it into the fears for London's Olympics after said riots. Very tidy.

For the Daily Telegraph whose readers may not be so au fait with the localities of Tottenham and Hackney, the reports of the "Nappy Valley" (otherwise known as Clapham Junction) clean-up may have offered something more familiar.

As residents took to the streets armed with brooms and brushes, columnist Bryony Gordon writes of "Yummy mummies who shop in Waitrose and eat in Recipease, the Jamie Oliver outfit that has hake fillet with Scottish rope-grown mussels on the menu."

What her article fails to mention is that said Jamie Oliver restaurant was untouched by the looters as others around it were raided. Somewhere for the yummy mummies to down their Marigolds and break from street cleaning for a spot of lunch perhaps?

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I'm always intrigued by the expression that "all Police leave is cancelled". Does it mean that all holidays (including eg a fortnight's holiday abroad with the family), doctors' appointments, days off to attend funerals etc etc are all cancelled. How are these people compensated? Cameron can afford to fly back and forth to Italy, but how does a Police Constable catch up with his family on holiday?
Paul Moore, Sheffield

ThomsonsPier (Monday letters), Cameron didn't pay a bill of Euro 10.20 with a 10 Euro note - he paid, as the article says, a 5.10 bill with a 10 Euro note, on a later occassion, to make amends for not tipping the first time. The waitress's "error" (though arguably "faux-pas" would probably be a better description) was not recognising the PM and telling him that she was too busy to bring his coffee, he would have to collect it.
Louise, Surrey

ThomsonsPier Re: Cameron tipping tale, the bill for two coffees amounted to Euro5.10 and not 5.10 per cup. Anyone charged £4.44 for a coffee could legitimately feel aggrieved, especially if a tip is expected too. Unless, of course, the coffee was derived from civet poo.
Paul, Cheltenham

"How can England players avoid exhaustion this season?" Well done for focusing on such a needy group of people, and not those whingers who have to care for elderly, sick or mentally ill relatives every hour of every day, or those complaining nurses, who should count themselves lucky they get paid at all for doing something they clearly enjoy so much.
John Whapshott, Westbury, England

Regarding 10 Things we didnt know last week, Peter Parker as Spider Man is only dead in the Ultimates series, NOT in Amazing Spider Man and other collections.
N Spencer, Bristol

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

A third day of rioting dominates the stories on the most-read lists but there are also articles distracting people from the news of looting and violence spreading across England. Here are a few.

Time magazine's most popular article takes readers back to when cocaine was just
a "novel chemical compound like any other" - 1884. Mixed with red wine, the article says, the , including Sigmund Freud. The surgeon William Halsted became interested in cocaine's potential as an anaesthetic, and he got his students and colleagues experimenting on themselves, only to become an addict himself. "He never beat the drug" the article says "but he fought it to a draw, at a time when no one even understood what he was fighting".

A cocaine story is also getting CNN readers clicking. It reports claims by Survival International that they now because they suspect Peruvian drug smugglers scared them away. It says authorities found a drug trafficker's rucksack with a broken Indian arrow in it.

In More Intelligent life some theories on how are seriously considered. It seems like science fiction but the article finds various "transhumanist" to talk about the possibilities of uploading your "self" onto a computer chip. One of what the article calls "milder" ideas is speeding up the brain, to allow it to pack in more information. The article points out, this would have the, most probably unwanted side effect, of making time go by slower.

Labelled a photographic whodunit, Vanity Fair's most popular story promises to reveal for once and for all who was the in a snap taken in a Virginia stairwell in 1956. Real-estate manager Barbara Gray turned to Vanity Fair "knowing the magazine has featured Wertheimer's work in the past" to seek validation from the photographer "the one man who could give it to her". But she's got a fight on her hands as when she contacted him he revealed that over a dozen women have already claimed the same thing.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Big stories that happen overnight in the UK present problems for newspapers.

Anything that happens particularly late at night is difficult, throwing up an exercise where editors almost have to guess what will happen and steer the tone of the coverage accordingly.

But most of the newspapers appear to have realised early that last night would see a lot more rioting.

The Sun doesn't move its page three girl, something it often does when there's a really big story, but it gives six pages to the rioting.

The Daily Mail has nine and some of the most extraordinary images, but there's a certain incongruity on the front page. A picture of masked rioter against a backdrop of flames dominates the splash.

But the "blurb" over the masthead is "win this £350,000 dream cottage" with a picture of a thatched roof.

Like many of the papers there's a curious disconnect between the front of the paper and first few pages, dominated by the riot coverage and the inside pages where the normal world of August newspapers prevails.

Particularly on page 21 of the Daily Mail where there is a lovely summer feature about natural floral confetti, written by the extraordinarily named Ticky Hedley-Dent.

The Times also has six pages, although it's at pains to stress the sheer scale of the financial crisis dominating the news in much of the rest of the world. The Daily Mirror has five pages and it eschews the option of a "poster front".

The Daily Express goes with the same image as the Mail but its front page is less powerful, mixing in another story and a deep blurb.

The normal summer newspaper fayre seems strange.

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With regard to the Cameron tipping tale, can anyone inform me of the nature of the waitress's mistake? I feel that, perhaps, paying a bill of Euro10.20 with a 10 Euro note places the error firmly on the head of the PM.
ThomsonsPier, Reading, UK

Shame the skipper of this yacht didn't read this article, especially the bit about previous winners.
Rik Alewijnse, Feering, UK

I keep seeing "May returns after London violence" and thinking: Err, so the rest of August has been cancelled?!
Keith, Whitstable, UK

"Colour perception means no matter what colour light we look at bananas under they always look yellow" according to the caption in this article. I'm not so sure; the ones in my fruit bowl look pretty brown.
Darren, London

Re: X Factor finalist Cher Lloyd tops singles chart. "Adele's album 21 is at number two while her first album 19 is at number four" and "Beyonce's album 4 fell two places from number three to number five". Words fail me - and people who name albums, apparently.
Chris, Newbury, UK

Interesting, in a nominative determinism sort of way, that the world's main credit ratings agency is called Standard and Poors. Does your country meet the standard, or is it poor?
Colin Edwards, Exeter, UK

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A look at the stories ranking highly on various news sites.

While a re-cap of the weekend's rioting is popular on other sites, Daily Mail readers click on . The paper asks "Could they cancel the carnival?" The article claims that there "were fears today that the West Indian event [the Notting Hill Carnival] on the August bank holiday could even be cancelled in a desperate bid to prevent more riots". That's not all. The article goes on to claim that "the outbreak of violence has raised fears about whether the Metropolitan Police would have adequate resources to cope during the Olympics if there were a similar attack during the 2012 Games". It doesn't, however, say who is expressing these fears.

The dilemma of writing what the readers will click on - an explanation of this weekend - and an urge not to give an explanation in case it is jumping the gun has led to Dan Hodges to open with an apology for his article which has been read the most by New Statesman readers. "Like most of those leaping on the flaming bandwagon of Tottenham, I have no idea what lay behind the weekend's disturbances" starts the New Statesman's most popular article before a further 800 words on the problems with race relations.

A similar apology is made by psychology professor Drew Westen in the New York Times' most popular article. It asks "" (Although the URL suggests it means specifically what happened to Obama's passion). Given her academic background, the reader may think they are onto a promise of some analysis of the US president's mental state. The apology for the absence of this comes later than Hodges' apology - it's not until half way through the fourth page of her opinion piece that she declares "as a practicing psychologist with more than 25 years of experience, I will resist the temptation to diagnose at a distance". Then, relief comes when she promises "but as a scientist and strategic consultant I will venture some hypotheses." Phew. These hypotheses include what she calls a "charitable" one - that he is trying to gain the centrist vote and a not so charitable one that he has a "character defect that might not have been so debilitating at some other time in history".

Never mind phone hacking at the Murdoch empire, screams the Daily Beast's most popular article, lets hear it from . They have the first interview with "self-styled Detective to the Stars" Anthony Pellicano. His wire tapping wasn't to get stories for the press but was against stars' enemies, sometimes journalists, to get material to blackmail with. Currently doing 15 years in prison after being found guilty on 76 charges the Daily Beast says Pellicano calls the phone-hacking saga kid stuff.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor takes no pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

But it would be remiss not the record Observer by columnist Nick Cohen about the apparent lack of civil unrest in the face of austerity measures, under the headline "No riots in Britain":

These arrant insults ought to push the most mild-mannered people into revolt. Yet in Britain they provoke only students to riot. The wider public remains resigned rather than enraged; indifferent rather than incandescent.

Mr Cohen has, of course, unfavourable copy deadlines to blame for this untimely reportage, given the weekend's events. And it seems economic policy is not being blamed for the disturbances in London.

But nonetheless, the timing could have been better.

A man who knows all about good timing is veteran broadcaster Sir Terry Wogan, now in his 74th summer.

the former chat-show host reacts cheerfully to recent rumours on Twitter that he had been killed in a bizarre accident involving a Scalextric set:

I don't even own a Scalextric. I'm not very good with cars. They rebel against me. So I suppose if I did have a Scalextric it would be quite on the cards.

Worrying.

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