Paper Monitor
10:42 UK time, Friday, 17 June 2011
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Finally, proof positive of broken Britain reaches Paper Monitor. But the "Battle Royal" announced by the Daily Mirror was not on some inner city sink estate but at one of the most prestigious days of the social calendar - Royal Ascot. Or "Bashcot" as the Sun renamed the famous horse racing event.
For The Daily Express, the drunken brawl on Ladies Day "shamed the Berkshire course" on its 300th anniversary.
It wasn't just the men, some of the ladies - take a deep breath here - were not wearing hats and some were even sporting tattoos. It was all too much for the Daily Mail. "Tattooed men (and women), a celebrity call girl, a drunken brawl...whatever happened to a genteel day out at Ascot?" the paper asked before going on to describe the full horror of the scene: "A quick glance across the terraces reveals a sea of flesh and unsightly tattoos - of women in cheap, tawdry dresses and men who have shunned the expected top hat."
But what was the cause of such mindless violence that saw men clutching table legs and champagne bottles to engage in hand-to-hand combat? As the old French saying goes: "Cherchez la femme". Or in newspaper language - find me a sex angle. The Daily Telegraph revealed that "the fight was allegedly started over an attractive blonde woman in her twenties."
No-one suggested that the blonde was Helen Wood, the former escort girl connected with Wayne Rooney, but some papers suggested that her presence further lowered the tone. "Roo tart at Ladies' Day," screamed the Star. It was enough to make one burst into tears.
Which footballer Michael Owen duly did when his horse, Brown Panther, won the day's last race.
With her subjects spectacularly losing their emotional bearings, Paper Monitor can hardly bear to think what the Queen - watching from the Royal enclosure - must have been thinking.
So thank goodness for the Middletons. While all around, racegoers appeared to be losing their heads, hats and footing, step forward the Duchess of Cambridge's mother. She arrived in a horse-drawn carriage, was wearing a "demure" hat, sported no visible tattoos and never once threatened anyone with a champagne bottle. Another winning day for Britain's most famous commoners. As the Times puts it: "Carole Middleton leads the field on Ladies' Day".
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