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Graham Norton's new show in which contestants audition for the role of Mary Poppins was going badly

We're Swinging in the Rain

The new intake of paratroopers insisted on holding their chutes downwards to make the landing softer

Mary Droppings

Mary Poppins sends in her practically perfect commandos

We're being umbushed!

Mary Poppins strings up Dick van Dyke until he gets his accent right

Parachute regiment cuts go horribly wrong

I told you the moths would get at the brollies if you left them in the cupboard, but would you listen?!

Aerial dancers? They look more like Sky dish dancers.

Fee fi fo fum indeed

Door-to-door Sky salesmen descend on Salisbury

Salisbury plain stupid

No worries, Horton will hear us now!

So, you're the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Magazine Monitor caption competition photographer? I'm afraid you've just missed the clowns.

No, UNDER my umbrella-ella-ella...

Wind's a bit strong today, eh what?

It looks like it isn't only special payments that have been the subject of cuts for the Parachute Regiment.

We're definitely not in Kensington anymore...

The Parachute Regiment's new plan of attack - shoot the enemy whilst they're still laughing

Monkey(ing around) on a string

Of course we're French, does this annoy you?

Unfortunately, Salisbury Cathedral spire was just not strong enough to support eight bungee jumpers ...

Combining 'Mary Poppins' with 'The Day of the Triffids' might not have been Cameron Mackintosh's best theatrical decision.

When the world fails to end on schedule, disappointed followers of Harold Camping seek an alternative route to Heaven.

Oh we're sending in the clowns, over.

³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ publish competition picture wrong way up.

The producers of the latest stage version of "Mary Poppins" regretted asking the people responsible for the Spiderman musical to work on the show

Ryan Air finds loophole saying it's OK to fly, so long as passengers kept at low altitude

Portuguese man o' war spotted flying over Salisbury

In retrospect the parachute instructor regretted bringing his two-year-old daughter to work, especially after the incident with the scissors.

Cirque du Folly.

Someone at last listens to pleas to string up the Cirque du Soleil

Perfect! Don't Move! I can see Channel 5 sooo clearly now!

They're not the Cirque du Soleil - they've got umbrellas!

Para-pluies

Two Aerial dancer's got married - the ceremony wasn't up to much, but the reception was fantastic!!!

(Tommy Cooper circa 1970!!)

The Cirque buy umbrellas for the entire troupe after hearing there's no Soleil in Britain

Para souls

Irish well-wishers regret not having checked departure time of Air Force One for London, before festooning it with strings of lucky shamrocks

Ryanair passengers regret not paying the full surcharge for parachutes

The Australian synchronised bungee jumping team just couldn't get used the English weather...

Harold Camping announces that God is giving everybody a five-month reprieve in order to put on a little show for us first

You're right, an umbrella with holes in does make a lousy parachu-

Don't rain on my para-aid

Ryan Air admit that defying the latest Volcanic Ash No Fly zone ruling might have been a little premature...

Sir James Dyson's latest invention, a combination umbrella and colander, was not a success

What do you mean we were supposed to drop into SAINSBURYS?

You're absolutely right, Jeeves, this certainly beats clay-pigeon shooting

Richard Branson had always wanted a mobile for his bedroom ceiling

Chuck in some fireworks and it'll be better than Beijing, Lord Coe.

Very tall Hampshire woman please to announce safe arrival of octuplets

Umbrellas weren't enough when you're star struck dancers.

Very tall Hampshire woman pleased to announce safe arrival of octuplets


(Darn; that's 2 consecutive weeks I've had to korrect mi spelling)

Salisbury MP asked to justify cost of Newton's Cradle in his garden

Borrowers flee Gerhard's beard

When "The Iranian Embassy Seige - The Musical" was first discussed, I dont think this was quite what they envisaged.

So what are we going to have to represent Britain in the opening Olympic ceremony? Yeah, umbrellas, of course.

Due to the financial crisis, the aerial acrobatics demonstration by the red arrows was having to be trimmed back slightly.

Even God has his version of dangling fluffy dice

The Government are urged to act on the scourge of back garden trampolines and their impact on your privacy.

Just needs a bit of Brollyfilla.

Rumours that paratroop training has been downsized following Defence cuts have been hotly denied by the MoD.

And if you'd all care to look out of the aircraft windows, you'll see Salisbury Cathedral ... and myself and the cabin crew parachuting to safety

Following the prolonged drought the water companies were willing to try anything.

Corporal Jones from Dad's Army had been drafted in to supervise the synchronised aerial display

There goes my spare change again!

If they are Aerial Dancers, why are they all carrying Satellite Dishes?...

Anyone down there find my car keys?

Thank heavens I swapped my degree in media studies for a proper qualification in arial dance.

"Yes, well it worked out fine on the ground."

'UK Economy' the musical.

"Vertigo Felicity? It's a bit late to tell me that now."

When you said you were a swinger, this was not exactly what came to mind, my dear…

"Now we're going to try it with the juggling balls...."

"OK guys. Who's turn was it to remember to put the tight-rope in the van?"

Picket line, Paras style

If you don't cling, don't ring.

Severe Gals (and Guys) are forecast over Salisbury

It was then that Felicity realised the folly of not tying her shoe laces with a double knot.

Over my umberella, ella, ella, hey hey hey

I don't care how much Charles Saatchi is paying, I'm not hanging around here all day.

Cirque du Brolly

Forest Gamp

"The idea is that in the event of a plane disaster the volcanic ash will pass safely through the precut vents....."

Blue Peter presenter auditions - Day Two: Show you have a head for heights / Do something fabulous with a doily.

Once again London bound tourists ignore advice not to open their umbrellas until they reach the safety of the terminal building.

Me Tarzan, you Mary Poppins

And you said a SMILE made a lousy umbrella...

Shameful correction: 76

"OK guys. Whose turn was it to remember to put the tight-rope in the van?"

The troupe was a little worried that their latest grant was on a no-strings basis

"Hey. You down there. Move that airline ...!"

The blimp team discovered a few flaws in their design

Smart's? Nah, we're with Billy Thicko's Circus.

The 'Essential Relationship' - at the first sign of trouble, the holes appear.

Aw look, the producer's little smashers got creative with the scissors while we were at lunch - bleeeeeessssss!

The circus troupe was determined not to be fined for loitering within tent again

Actors demonstrate the actual moment of rapturing.

Rachel Riley fears for her job as auditions for new Countdown host show that they will have to be able to form each consonant and vowel

And here is the Weather EightCast ...