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I told you a stretch mini would be big enough

Er, isn't this Jumbo Jet a little near to the ground?

Remember lads, if you don't win then you're in for a 'fun' time getting back into the country.

The younger players gave up their seats for the more elderly members of the team

Well the one thing we can be sure of is that the average IQ of the country just went up 10 points.

When Wayne Rooney heard he was going to the Cape, he put his Superman outfit on

We're not going to play golf are we?

I just hope Wayne's shaved after that stupid advertising campaign

The England team had a good old sing-song on the bus, all singing a Capello

No one hiding in the luggage is there?

UK Border Agency workers indicate how many minutes they think it will take before David James lets in the first goal

Better luck with the penalty fare

Mystery trip driver wins again for correctly guessing the destination.

Papers, please.
Umm, Guardian, Sun or Telegraph?

In the excitement, no one noticed Theo and his petrol siphon tube.

Ninety-three bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-three bottles of beer,
You take one down and pass it around and...umm...er...

the worrying thing is, Crouch is sat on the floor.

The married men of Great Britain breathe a collective sigh of relief at Cole and Terry leave the country.

Where's that Polokwane?

Oooh are ya, oooh are ya??

As the team head towards the South Pole, Wayne Rooney just manages to grab one to stop himself falling over

Britain winning in RSA, luggage lost in Guatemala.

Good luck lads...and remember if you play Argentina they like to score goals using their hands. Just like this

The members of Prisoner Cell Block H - the remake

A prayer's as good as ball on a day like this.

Wayne Rooney was a little worried about travelling by bus across Africa

A prayer's as good as a ball on a day like this.
(correction)

"That`s a good start omen Heskey has missed the Bus."

What do you call a Scotsman at the World Cup?
Referee.

As the crowd waved them off, they predicted they would last 5 minutes

Why is there air?
To inflate footballs, of course.

Switching to Zulu time

No alcohol, lads - tonight it's World Cup-a-Soup

Have a nice time lads - see you very soon!

"That`s a good omen Heskey has already missed the Bus."

Pole? I don't want to worry you, David, but that's a yellow assegai.

Guard #1: Goodbye boys! Have fun storming the castle!
Guard #2: Think it'll work?
Guard #3: It would take a miracle...

(Immediate kudos to anyone who gets this joke)

Flying Ryanair wasn't a good idea, already they'd had to pay extra for their kit, boots, hair gel and egos.

Hold up, we've got Capello on the line...

Wayne just couldn't work out why the UK Border Agency men were there when Heathrow was so far away from the sea

With the passport details finally deleted, the UK Borders Agency say goodbye to the England team

And no spitting or throwing bottles out of the windows

"We'll... meet.... (Brazil in the semi finals).... again..."

At least this is a better coach than Fabio

England players look suspiciously at the giant Brazil flag at the border

Hey Frank, quick tip - DON'T MISS!!!!!

Hang on you forgot your kit!

Despite being with all his friends and dressed the same, Beckham still wasn't sure that he was on the right bus...

Under Fabio's guidance, the boys set off on the 268 to Hampstead

Unfortunately, in South Africa, the Israeli team had already showed up with the same names and passports.

Bye lads, play nicely now with the grown ups!

We used to just count them in but now we have to count them out.

The Jury's still out on this game then .....

Well the result is all up in the air now

OK, hands up who's put all their money on Argentina to win?

"Keep smilin', Jock, they didne notice we've pit them oan th' plane tae Antarctica..."

The lads knew they were doomed the minute they heard their pilot was Scottish ...

As they laughed and waived goobye Peter Crouch realised they still had his passport

Something very odd here, a British football team with no foreign players? I just can't think where they must be hiding but we did search everywhere.

Hey, I didn't knew Theo worked for the UK Border Agency ...

See you in two weeks...

Bye Theo. Bye Darren. See ya Leighton. Nice try guys - nearly worked!

"Hold on.......whose got the balls!"

The first hitch was when the plane turned out to be a 22-seater.

Bye bye lads. See you in a week.

Theo was even more disappointed when he realised that Beckham - injury an' all - had been selected ahead of him!

Capello wasn't on the coach - he was in Lady Penelope's pink Rolls-Royce which he said had his name on

For safety reasons, when the flight landed in South Africa, the team would be travelling to the hotel in two buses

The lads enjoyed their day out at the safari park

They are ants, Wayne - we haven't taken off yet

How long's the bus ride to South Africa, then?

And some good news, lads - the in-flight movie is "Final Destination"

Anything to declare?
Why, yes, happy to have been picked!

Thoe Walcott (centre in high visibility jacket) finally admits defeat in his attempt to go to South Africa, as 2 airport workers wave the England Squad off!!!!

Oh no - the hair-pulling had started already

The team were pleased to learn that all seats on the plane were fitted with air-bags

If the ash cloud is still an issue, shouldn't we have left a few weeks ago to get to South Africa by bus !!!

The England team found it amusing that Theo had found another summer job already.

Hey, these UK Border Agency guys are good - the lawn-edging is perfect

Little did they know that Terry was travelling on the WAGs coach.

UK Border Patrol make one last attempt to stop Heskey boarding.

We're meeting Walcott's family for drinks at the hotel.

No-one had sent the uniform letter to Gerrard, Heskey and James...

The window cleaners had forgotten their chamis as they finished cleaning the 2nd teams' windows...

Crouch looked inp ain as his hair was pulled again!

He looked in pain too...

No amount of banging on the windows by the the UK Border Guards was going to get the latest batch of stowaways off the cattle truck!

Right lads, I'll hold his head while you slap him.

B. A. Baracus (high vis jacket on the left) to Theo Walcott (high vis jacket in the middle) :

"Just like me, you ain't goin' on no plane, fool" !!!

Crouch by name, crouch by nature.

Beckham: "Just remind me again - second verse is 'swish, swish, swish'?"

The referee and two linesmen red carded the whole team with a cheery wave..

"Oh, it's the border agency... not the balder agency, I'll let go of Crouchy's hair then".

And the players on the bus go "Wah, wah, wah!"

With her chic yellow outfit, nobody seemd to notice Victoria Beckham in the middle of the bus

The were strange looks, as well as some laughter, as Cliff Richard boarded the team bus to lead the sing-a-long!

Border Control gives final reminder: 'On the field, remember lads, this is called a hand ball'

After all the hold-ups on the railways and the roads, Wayne hoped they wouldn't be repairing the clouds on the way to South Africa

Bendy it like Beckham

Fabio's parting advice was "And remember lads, there's no 'I' in side"