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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. There are vending machines that sell hot chips.

2. Burning oil is one way of controlling a spill.

3. A lot of people are still using floppy disks.

4. Chocolate doesn't always make you happy.

5. In Japan, burahara is the harassment of people because of their blood group.

6. Chimpanzees deal with death in a similar way to humans.

7. Some ready-meal curries are saltier than seawater.

8. There are surgeons who specialise in restoring virginity.

9. Stephen Hawking thinks aliens exist.

10. Storks can go blue.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to John Gore for this week's picture of 10 fairy lights.

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Assuming that "pirate" encompasses anyone with strange facial hair, a ship, a suntan and a habit of making off with Spanish gold on dubious legal grounds, I'm afraid Mad Cap'n Tom is a bit late to be the . Sir Francis Drake was MP for Bossiney, Sir Richard Hawkins was MP for Plymouth, and Sir George Clifford had a seat in the Lords. I make no comment on whether there are any pirates there now.
Edward Green, London, UK

Who didn't read and then want some?
Tom, Maidstone, UK

When it comes to actor's terrible accents (Thursday letters), attempts to do Irish accents really are the worst. In some cases it wanders tourist-like across the whole country in the course of a single sentence. A recent prime example is Heroes' Samuel - all the worse because the character was born and lived his whole life in the States.
Aine, Stevenage

Cakes all year round (Thursday letters)? The trouble with our office - over 100 people - is that the majority are either Libran or Gemini with Aquarius in third place. This means that at some times of the year (especially October) we have an absolute glut of feasting whereas at other times (especially Pisces and Leo) there is famine.
Paul Morris, Exeter

£20?!? For cakes? Where are you buying them from? Make them, you lazy people. I always make mine, there is nothing better than home-made cake. I have to fight off the tech support boys who return for fourths. Certainly costs less than £20, and we have 100+ to feed.
Jo, Reading
Monitor note: Jo, it's Paper Monitor's birthday on Monday. Any chance of a Victoria sponge?

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it's the launch of Avatar on DVD. Models dressed up as characters from the film posed in a plane.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. rogueslr
"Are you sure indelible means easily removed?"

5. Valerie Ganne
After a small spelling error, BA's recruitment drive for Aviators was not going well...

4. Mark S
The effects of the ash cloud were worse than expected.

3. Candace9839
The Top Gun remake by Larry Flint would have a niche audience.

2. Vicky S
"No, we don't understand it either Control, but we all had the fish at lunchtime if that helps."

1. Cheesy
After taking the necessary steps to avoid every single one of the budget airline's extra charges, the Jones family looked forward to a relaxing flight.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Mail decides to splash on the acquittal of teacher Peter Harvey on charges of attempted murder after he attacked a pupil with a dumbbell.

It also gets two pages inside. The front page carries the headline "TEACHER IS CLEARED BY A COMMON SENSE JURY".

But the Sun relegates the Harvey case to page 15 and opts for a much straighter take on the story.

It's interesting to contrast this with the Sun's previous coverage of the case, most notably Kelvin MacKenzie's full page opinion piece, from just days after the 2009 attack.

In it he wrote "we need more Mr Harveys" and demanded that disruptive pupils be expelled.

"I want all these thugs cleared out of our schools and put into special barracks where they will be treated like dirt by Army personnel."

It is hard to work out why the Sun has not done more with the story today. A measure of the level of interest in it is that nearly half a million people read it on the pages of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ News website yesterday.

Also riffling through the Sun, Paper Monitor finds itself coming across the column of Frankie Boyle.

It's a strange one, this column. Some of the humour seems a little edgy for the Sun.

"Thanks to the popularity of Avatar you can now have sex with giant blue women without having to break into a Scandinavian mortuary."

But despite the edginess, Boyle finds no space to mention the for a joke he made on Radio 4 about Palestine being like a cake "being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew".

In fact, a search of both the Sun's database and the Nexis newspaper database fails to find evidence that the Sun carried the story at all. Again, it must have been a space shortage.

There is one truly intriguing item in Boyle's column. He notes that Paris Hilton is looking for love.

"I think Jack Tweed is available... well for the next week anyway. And then again in about four years time."

What could this be a reference to? Paper Monitor seems to recall Mr Tweed being acquitted of rape on Monday.

Surely this couldn't be an item from last week's column wrongly included in this week's? Surely not.

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"I did have Katya - without much pleasure though, as she was as boring as your whole dull Gestapo" - Russian journalist lashes out at security services after being caught in honey trap.

Viktor Shenderovich, radio journalist and satirist, and married father, is one of six Kremlin opponents apparently caught in secretly filmed honey trap encounters with the same woman. But he's not taking it lying down.

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I couldn't think of a more suitable amount for a fine - £666 () - a magistrate with a sense of humour.
Paul I, St G, Cornwall

Is it ?
Phil, Guisborough

To what is Paper Monitor predisposed? Malaproposition, perhaps?
David, Romford

Pope-gate, Peppa Pig-Gate, Bigot-Gate... I wonder what "gate" it will be today?
Luisa, Frome

In response to Gillian Duffy's question: Umm... Eastern Europe?
Jonny, Belfast

. And here was me hoping to see Eammon in a wig...
Aaron, Bath, UK

MCK from Stevenage (Wednesday letters) - I agree totally, it's your birthday so why should you buy the cakes? Surely your colleagues should all chip in and buy them. What next, we have to buy our own cards and presents?
Andrew Marsden, Cullompton, Devon

I'll join your protest! There's so many people in my office it takes £20 to buy cakes for them all - especially as they only want best, fresh cakes. That's £20 I could have spent on me on my birthday! Plus, as I'm seriously gluten-intolerant, I cannot eat the cakes other people bring in on their birthday. So no more cakes from me!
Nona, London

But, but, cake days are amazing! You only have to provide them on your own birthday, and in return you get to eat them throughout the year. It's a price well worth paying. If you don't like bringing cake because you're dieting and can't eat any yourself, maybe you could bring a selection of yummy fruit instead. You can eat healthily and join in with everyone else, and it might drop a hint for other people to provide a non-fatty option when it's their turn. Or you could change jobs and never mention your birthday. If you get questioned, deny that you have one.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Alexandra, Cambridge, UK

MCK, it's my birthday today. My colleagues bought me a packet of jelly snakes, which I shared with the team. Another colleague gave me a creme egg. Yet another gave me a small cake. I think you need to work in NZ.
Margaret, Christchurch, NZ

I wholeheartedly stand with MCK. The rest of the office should buy you a cake when it's your birthday (PS, it's my birthday next week, and chocolate is my favourite)...
Jane, Chester

Would that be a cake stand?
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

Sorry, DJH of Reedsburg, WI, USA, who complains about British actors making a poor fist of American accents (Wednesday letters). All we have to say is "Dick Van Dyke" and "Mary Poppins".
J Paul Murdock, Wall Heath, West Midlands, UK

Helen says she'll work for free (Wednesday letters). That's great news. I've got a huge pile of ironing to do and the lawns haven't been mowed since September. What time can I expect you?
Clare, Luton

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

So it's goodbye to Daily Mail regular Allison Pearson, who is hanging up her columnist's spurs.

On Wednesday she penned a heartfelt farewell, explaining how she was sick and tired of feeling, well, sick and tired. It's practically part of the job description for a Mail columnist to mine her private life for material. But this set an altogether more poignant tone, headlined .

Just as her best-selling novel I Don't Know How She Does It opens with a very recognisable anecdote - a working mum pimping supermarket mince pies to look more homemade for the school fete - Pearson's farewell column opens with another very recognisable anecdote, about her teenage efforts to ace those multi-choice questionnaires in Jackie.

"More than 30 years later, I found myself in a psychiatrist's consulting room with a questionnaire in front of me. I recognised the format immediately: 'Please circle A, B, C or D.' Only this wasn't a quiz about how to avoid being a wallflower at parties, or make yourself into the ideal bride for Donny Osmond (convert to Mormonism, get your teeth fixed, wear a lot of purple). The options on this particular multiple choice said things like: 'I find I take very little pleasure in life these days'... My pen hesitated. I wanted to be sure I circled the right answer. Despite the fact I'd finally felt rotten enough to seek professional help, pride dictated that I still came across as the best kind of girl to be."

In the second part of her column, she has a pop at Gordon Brown's Britain (written pre-"bigoted woman" outburst), writing about how she has long fantasised about leaving the country.

"But for reasons that must be apparent from my confessions elsewhere on this page, I'll no longer be writing this column."

The Guardian, however, notes her fans may not have long to wait before she reappears in newsprint:

"The Daily Telegraph is understood to have been trying to poach her."

In the meantime, Pearson's replacement is Sandra Parsons (confusing for a bear of little brain such as Paper Monitor), who was editor of the Times's recently culled T2 section. The Mail describes her as "sassy, smart and very human". What does "very human" actually mean? Paper Monitor turns to the Times to find out. It's had a hasty clear-out of links to Parsons' past columns, but a little digging turns up , a la Pearson.

"Which brings me to the fact that we have no dishwasher. ('No dishwasher?' gasped an incredulous colleague. 'NO DISHWASHER? You realise that these days that's like saying you don't have a television?')

Now Mail columnists have quite a track record when it comes to generating headlines and galvanising outrage, such as:

• Jan Moir on Stephen Gately's death
• The late Lynda Lee-Potter on Mo Mowlam's appearance
• And Pearson herself, refusing to return a fuming Duchess of York's phone calls after joking about Princess Beatrice in a bikini

Is this a contractual obligation? Paper Monitor likes to imagine that break time at Mail Columnist HQ involves a cuppa, a Rich Tea biscuit, and a quick game of darts... only instead of bellowing "ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!" after a particularly high-scoring round, the aim is to take pot-shots at an inappropriate target and so mobilise the Twitterati against you.

Ms Parsons, your time starts... now.

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"Someone get Mandy on his magic carpet up to Rochdale and take her out dancing or something" - Sanitised tweet from spin doctor Malcolm Tucker (aka The Thick of It writer Jesse Armstrong)

When Gordon Brown made his open mic blunder, Tucker - like his real-life counterparts at Labour HQ - swung into damage limitation mode. But fans of the political satire, do not adjust your sets - expletives have, of course, been deleted.

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I imagine I won't be the only correspondent to point out that are in fact floppy, and it's just the rigid plastic casing that might make you think otherwise. Take one apart to see, it's not as though you will ever use it again...
Dan Wilkinson, Chesterfield, UK

Makes you wonder when they find the time to sulk, moan and other things with their .
Sue, London

I'll work for free!
Helen Wren

Re: today's quote of the day. Couldn't this be more satisfactorily acheived by the wearing of a decent pair of jeans and a belt? Kids these days... And yes, I am aware that makes me sound older than my 26 years.
Alex K, Bath, UK

I saw the words '' and immediately thought it was an anagram of Battlestar Galactica. Maybe it's the moon connection.
Brian Saxby, Newcastle, UK

Here is a which is obviously a very good thing, but can it really be considered to be "vying". I don't think the horse cares either way. All the horse is doing is getting measured.
Phil, Guisborough

Your article on mentions that many British actors have little trouble with American accents. I admit that performers like Hugh Laurie do a pretty convincing job when on American TV. However, British actors playing Americans on British TV often do a pretty annoyingly obvious version (FBI agents on Spooks, for instance). One example being that whenever they say a word with the "ar" sound in it they sound like they're pirates. You expect them to start saying "Matey" somewhere in their dialogue too. Just a comment from an American who loves a lot of British TV in spite of the bad accent.
DJH, Reedsburg, WI, USA

Would anyone else like to join my protest against having to buy cakes for the rest of the office when it's your birthday? It's time to take a stand.
MCK, Stevenage

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Paper Monitor is predisposed today. Apologies. Expect a bumper edition tomorrow.

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"Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Shield" - Name of product designed to cover builder's bum.

We've all been repelled by the sight of unfortunately revealed bottom cleavage. But one bright spark is trying to make money out of an antidote.

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I've been kept amused by the habit in election stories of listing other candidates at the bottom of any article which mentions any one candidate. Today this equality feature even reached the shores of Paper Monitor. This leads the question that if I mention one candidate now, such as Baron von Thunderclap in Sussex Mid, will the Monitor be obliged to list all others?
Tom H, North London

Monitor note: Other candidates standing in Sussex Mid are David Boot, Labour; Paul Brown, Green; Stuart Minihane, British National Party;
Marc Montgomery, UK Independence Party; Nicholas Soames, Conservative and Serena Tierney, Liberal Democrat.

, the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage!
Di, The Castleton, North Yorkshire

Can I congratulate the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ on their headline, "Mandelson and Balls on Peppa Pig-gate." Not only is it almost all-noun, but it works on oh-so-many levels. It's a pleasure to read, provided you use your imagination and don't bother reading the actual article.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

?

Fleur, London

Did you only publish Luisa from Frome's letter so that we pedants could complain about her grammar? The problem now is that people are actually saying "should of" and completely by-passing the excuse that they are mishearing what they are saying. Such glaring errors such as this just cloud the message being put over which is a shame as the first job of language is to communicate. Should I of got my coat?
J Paul Murdock, Wall Heath, West Midlands, UK

gives an excellent reason why it is ridiculous to suggest he runs a sex club in his house - the ceiling are too low. I would vote for him.
Phil, Guisborough

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

With apologies to Martin Fry...

If you judge a paper by the wraparound cover
Then do you judge the inside pages by the quality of its display ads?

OK, it's not the sort of lyric you could build an 80s revival on, but the point is today's Daily Telegraph comes with an elaborate semi-opaque wraparound cover. It puts Paper Monitor in mind of its youth mis-spent idly tracing pictures of, well of pop stars in gold lamé suits with a liking for preposterous lyrical couplets.

The Daily Telegraph wrapper comes courtesy of HSBC bank - yes, this is how it chooses to lavish all the money it has made despite the recent global travails.

But given the outlay, it's a tad disappointing that the copy itself doesn't make any puns on the type of paper itself.

Inside the paper, there are several other ads for the bank. But it's not the red of the bank's logo that draws Paper Monitor's eye, rather it's the red of placards urging readers to vote for a Labour candidate.

Yes, Telegraph sketch writer Andrew Gimson has decided to go public with a little domestic difficulty - his wife, Sally, is standing for election for the Labour Party.

Not only that, but it turns out in the seat where she is standing, Leicestershire South, the Tory candidate, Andrew Robathan, is Gimson's second cousin.

Gimson, a "man of a Tory disposition", concedes he is torn in two by the situation, assuring us his wife has his "personal vote" although the "last thing" he wants to do is "undermine her reputation by agreeing with her political views".

However, he declares an interest in her campaign - frequently bringing her cups of tea - and even concedes a degree of pride on hearing a recording of Gordon Brown introduce Mrs Gimson as one of a "new generation of Labour candidates".

Paper Monitor applauds Gimson (that's a soft "G" by the way, Mr Brown) for his mature handling of this unorthodox domestic situation, and his entertaining reflections on what it's like to be at the centre of it.

Other candidates in Leicestershire South are Aladdin Ayesh (Liberal Democrat), Paul Preston (British National Party) and John Williams (UK Independence Party).

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"Is that Sam from EastEnders?" - Question posed by multiple callers to Lisa Edwards, whose mobile number was inadvertantly ascribed to Sam Mitchell in EastEnders

Broadcasting watchdog Ofcom has upheld a complaint against the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ by Lisa Edwards, after her business mobile phone number appeared on screen for four seconds in an episode of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ One soap last year. The number appeared on Ricky Butcher's mobile when his ex-wife Sam was calling. The mistake, which the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ admitted, led to some obscene calls and nearly 3,000 unwanted text messages. The ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ said the number of calls and messages may have been inflated after the Sun published a story about the incident only to display the number again in a screen grab published in the paper.

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This headline caught my eye because it is all nouns (apart from the preposition). It heralds the by making them feel sick. Science is fun.
Phil, Guisborough

Anybody else go looking for the 8.2 metre-long sea-scorpion?
Joseph, London

As someone old enough to remember them, it was nice to see milk bottles as this week's 10 things. However, I wonder what would happen if one of those bottles would accidentally fall...
Brian Saxby, Newcastle, UK

"" That must have clogged up the arrivals board a bit! Also, since when have we exported security checking of inbound flights to Sweden? Do the Swedish people know unchecked flights are entering their airspace?
Keith Edkins, Cambridge

Who'd of thought it! I always thought cupid was a little cherub - not a long tailed slug!
Luisa, Frome, Somerset

Who's the then?
J, Bath

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

For the national media the official face of this year's London Marathon was royal, the official fancy-dress costume was a caterpillar and the official colour was green. Just look at the front pages if you don't believe Paper Monitor.

Splashed across almost every one, including the Daily Telegraph, is a picture of , who became the first member of the Royal Family to complete the race. She was part of a 34-person caterpillar, all of whom were dressed in green. They broke the record for the highest number of chained runners to complete the distance.

She wasn't the only one smashing a rather odd record. Actor Tony Audenshaw broke the record for the world's . He too opted for a green outfit, a little the likes of which Paper Monitor has never seen on any baby ever before. The Emmerdale star is speaking for us all when he tells the Mirror:

"You can forget about the 100m record, this is the record people are interested in, the world's fastest baby in a marathon."

Another rather odd thing in today's papers is on page 11 of the Times. It's not often that you see Bournemouth mentioned in the same sentence as princess, playboy, glamorous, royal and romance.

Apparently, a 21-year-old photography student at the Arts University College at Bournemouth claims to have had an affair with the fiance of Princess Madeleine of Sweden, who has now called off their wedding. The affair has "rocked" Sweden, the paper says. Paper Monitor is rocked too. It seems the Dorset town is having its 15-minutes of fame - well, in Sweden at least.

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"They swarm to the lights, and sometimes when I sing, I swallow them" - Katherine Jenkins on the dangers of fly swallowing during open-air performances.

As the warm air encourages the insect population to emerge, and the human population to indulge in open-air concerts, the singer reminds us of an occupational hazard that affects performers during the summer months. It has apparently "happened at least 10 times" to the mezzo-soprano, but she shrugs it off as just "one of those things".
(More Details - Daily Mail)

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