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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Circumcision does not reduce sexual satisfaction.

2. The UK has only one polar bear, at Edinburgh Zoo. Its name is Mercedes.

3. Window cleaners who work on very tall buildings are trained to lie flat if their platform comes loose - a tactic which appears to have saved the life of Alcides Moreno, who tumbled some 500ft (150m) to the ground in New York.

4. At school, Sir Edmund Hillary was in a gym group for those lacking co-ordination.

5. Siblings who are separated when adopted may be naturally attracted to each other in later life.

6. Etiquette dictates that at dinner parties, a man should always talk to the woman on his left during the first course, and right during the main course.

7. One in three British adults is on a permanent diet.

8. Octopuses need mental stimulation.


9. Liverpool is not Europe's only capital of culture this year.

10. Half of men aged 16-24 haven't read a single book in the past 12 months.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Keith Bedson for this week's picture of 10 birds on the River Fosse at York on Christmas Day.
(Source: 3 - the Guardian, 5 January.)

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Not to denigrate Liverpool's status as but I went off the whole idea when I read Oxford's pitch for the post. It summed up several ancient colleges - and the famous Bodleian Library - with the expressive and cultured phrase "where Harry Potter was filmed".
Edward Green, London, UK

So, Prince William could "pop out" to the local supermarket and . Nice. Even if fellow students couldn't comment on HRH, surely they could comment on the fact that the supermarket was selling asparagus in a student town.
Adrian, Chester

As a result of a recent spate of frankly unbelievable stories - being the latest example - I'd like to nominate a new category of articles that were SURELY written for April Fools' Day, but have found themselves liberated too early.
Luke L, London, UK

Re : Just because it's a headline doesn't mean it has to be such awful English.
Sonia, London

Dear Magazine,
I would like to thank you for a lovely .
I apologise for taking it a little late.
Yours sincerely,
Lee, Manchester

Re the and fears of monologues at dinner parties (Thursday letters). Seating is typically male/female around the table, and "turning the table" at the main course is accomplished by the hostess, who merely turns from the gentleman with whom she has been talking through the soup and the fish course to the gentleman on her other side. In a moment everyone at table is talking to a new neighbour. To refuse to change partners is to cause the whole table to be blocked, leaving one lady and one gentleman staring alone at their plates. At this point the hostess has to come to the rescue by attracting the blocking lady's attention and saying, "Sally, you cannot talk to Professor Bugge any longer! Mr Smith has been trying his best to attract your attention." (Emily Post, 1922, p. 221.)
Naomi P, Sussex

In , it says: "The Bank of England opted to keep rates unchanged at 5.5% on Thursday but many economists expect the Bank to lower the cost of borrowing February." But why would anyone want to borrow February - such a dreary month, and you'd only have to pay it back along with half of March. Why not borrow July instead?
Richard Peers, Croydon

I was a puzzled to read your item link on the Magazine index which described licking a dead cat as "strangely sweet" (Paper Monitor, Thursday). I'd have said quite earthy, a bit gamey, with some undertones of wet fur.
Shiz, Cheshire, UK

Doesn't the tale of Louis the octopus befriending sound like an adventure story for children?
Poisoned Pirate, The Flying Fox

So, it's the . When is it Bracknell's turn?
Sharon Shepperd, High Wycombe, UK

Don't you realise, given the currently globesity crisis, you've just given sorbitol the biggest free endorsement you could ()?
Henri, Sidcup

I still miss the caption competition. Will you ever bring it back?
Helen, Guildford
Monitor note: Patience is a virtue, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Mornington Crescent?
Ian, Cosenza, Italy

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The sad death of New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary stirs up a sense of longing in Paper Monitor for those days of yore when great achievements by Britain's colonial subjects were unquestioningly claimed as "our own".

Courtesy of a rag-out from 2 June 1953, the Times zips us back to just such an era. "Everest conquered. Hillary and Tensing reach the summit."

"A message was received by the Times last night from the British Mount Everest Expedition, 1953, that E.P. Hillary and the Sherpa Tensing Bhutia reached the summit of the mountain, 29,002ft. high on May 29. The message added: 'All is well.'"

The sheer chutzpah. All of which leads Paper Monitor to wonder how today's news would be told if the same rules applied.

Take that cricketing rift between India and Australia that's been rumbling on in recent days. Under the 1953 rules it would likely be portrayed as a falling out between two bickering siblings, while the aloof mother country maintains a dignified distance.

Sure the Test series has been imperilled, but it's not been abandoned and let's face it, who cares who wins, either way it'll be a "British victory".

But from the days when we "never had it so good" much has changed, and if you need reminding just have a read of Jon Gaunt's column in the Sun.

Until now, Paper Monitor had always thought that when it comes to post-modern interpretations of the newspaper column the Indy had got things sewn up with Tracey Emin's Friday pitch "My Life in a Column"

But today Gaunty, to call him by his nom de plume, is clearly facing down Britain's leading art terrorist on her own pitch with an article about the difficulties of raising a family on limited income. How? Instead of writing his column, Gaunty has simply republished an e-mail he was sent by a reader.

That's so like, from the left-field.

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About 5% of Americans aged 12 to 25 have at some time used cough or cold medicines to get high, a government survey found. Officials said they used the over-the-counter pills and syrups to induce hallucinations and other effects.

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I see George Bush is advocating that unwanted occupants vacate countries they don't have any right to be in, where they are causing the death of innocents and political controversy with their continued presence ().
KM, Coventry

In , "using items like teapots" is listed as one of the common distractions while driving. Just wondering. Is this mainly a British thing?
Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne

Surely if we all followed the advice on who to talk to at dinner parties in the , there would just be a series of monologues around the table?
Mike Roberts, Bristol, England

How can we ever dine politely again?
Paul, Bristol

Last year I went to a formal ball with my girlfriend and her parents. I often attracted disgusted stares, after taking the today I think I know why.
Tom Armstrong, St Albans, Herts

So a 14-year-old in 1825 "sounds like he was the first enthusiast and could conceivably count as the . Maybe that was really the birth of it, although it didn't take off in a massive way until much later." Presumably, not until there was more than one locomotive.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Re : I'm more gobsmacked that a 14 boy has ever had such neat handwriting.
Karen, Cardiff

I'd rather kiss a frog than someone who didn't want to kiss Stephen Fry, Hamish. It's Stephen Fry!
Quint, Milton Keynes

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It had all the makings of a cute little article to get Paper Monitor's day off to a really lovely start. But just six words into the story of Oscar the dog and Arthur the cat - in the Times - and it all started to get a bit uncomfortable.

You see, Arthur had recently died and Oscar was missing him. So what did he do? He dug up his body from the back garden during the night, dragged it through the catflap, pulled it into his basket and then slept beside it.

Earlier in the day Oscar had watched his owner Robert Bell bury his former companion. Sinister or sweet? When Mr Bell came down the following morning Athur's coat "was gleaming white, Oscar had obviously licked him clean". And Arthur was a "huge" cat so "it must have taken him nearly all night". Yuk.

It's all so confusing. Paper Monitor likes animal stories to be a bit more starightforward, like the lemur one on page 26 of the paper. Near extinction, new one born in Bristol Zoo. Sweet and simple. Bish, bosh.

There's a bit of a flurry of excitment in the papers today about two new shows on ITV. But could it be a case of navel-gazing again from the media?

Moving Wallpaper depicts the behind-the-scenes backbiting at a soap opera, masterminded by a producer who is determined to make it the most talked-about show in Britain. It is followed immediately by Echo Beach, the soap opera itself, which is set in Cornwall and stars Jason Donovan and Martine McCutcheon.

Events in Moving Wallpaper influence the soap opera. Viewers see that an aspiring actress who offers sexual favours to a producer in Moving Wallpaper is suddenly given a role in Echo Beach.

It's a gamble because the media is obsessed with how the media works, but are the public? We will have to wait and see.

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Contrary to stereotypes, 74% of package holiday customers in a survey were satisfied with their tour firm.

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Re : If we couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction I don't rate our chances of finding this.
Stuart, Croydon

Re which philosopher had the best bum (Paper Monitor): So Mme de Beauvoir was aptly named it seems, and to Sartre, belle was other people?
Candace, New Jersey, US

I don't think Arthur Scargill ever graced a side-burned streaker, did he (Paper Monitor)?
Samuel, Leeds

In the midst of these confusing times, thank heavens for Queen Latifah's sensibility (): "Host Queen Latifah said: 'The thing about the People's Choice Awards that's different from everybody else is it's the people's choice'." I am so glad that I don't have to tax my brain any further wondering what made them unique.
Daniel, London

I'd rather kiss a frog than Stephen Fry ().
Hamish McGlobbie, Leeds

The daily mini-quiz asks how to pronounce the name of Barack Obama. After answering it it tells me the correct answer is CENSORED SO AS NOT TO SPOIL THE FUN. Well that is not how I pronounce it and the question was not how should it be pronounced but rather how do I pronounce it.
Dave, London, England

Re the random stat: "In the past year 25% of adults have not read a single book." Is that because they've read more than one and therefore 75% of adults have only read a single book?
Jonathan, Bury St Edmunds

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's been a while since Arthur Scargill graced the front pages, or a side-burned streaker, for that matter. But the Daily Telegraph has free DVDs recounting the highs and lows of 1974, and "strikers and streakers" are its chosen icons of that year.

Inside, style guru Stephen Bayley casts an expert eye over the hits and misses of the 70s and 80s (each year of which has its own DVD). These were the decades when designers turned to "fashion archaeology" in a big way, an approach that continues to this very day - confirmed by a quick tot-up of the abundance of flares and shoulder pads in Monitor Towers.

And he notes another trend that dates from 1970, a trend set by Tom Wolfe in the New Yorker. "His sharp observations started the craze for pop sociology that's still with us - here, now and in this article." There follows a quick romp through some of Mr Wolfe's most pointed bon mots, such as "radical chic", the "Me Decade" (coined in 1975 but equally applicable to any generation since) and clothes horses starved to the point of perfection.

It is at such a point that Paper Monitor typically makes some sort of remark about how we live now, but this time shall not - performance anxiety at the mere mention of Mr Wolfe. Mr Bayley, however, is made of sterner stuff and goes on for another two pages.

Elsewhere there is much in the way of pop sociology articles. The Independent muses on bare bottoms to mark Simone de Beauvoir's centenary. Might she have approved? "She was the feminist icon who seduced her female students before passing them on to her male lover," runs the intro to an article about France's aerated reaction to a photo of her naked being used on the cover of the serious news magazine Le Nouvel Observateur.

There follows an erudite discussion about female equality, the male gaze and which philosopher had the best bum - du Beauvoir or Sartre? "Mme de Beauvoir had a brilliant mind. She also had a wonderful body. Women win on both counts," opines a prominent feminist author. Surprisingly, Myleene "I've got a degree to go with this white bikini" Klass is not canvassed for her views.

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In the past year 25% of adults have not read a single book, according to a survey for the Office for National Statistics.

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Oh ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ, you are spoiling us. When the assignment came in to visit a Greenpeace boat, who else could possibly be sent other than Jonah Fisher. Surely the perfect name for this.
Trev, York

I am looking forward to the letters from Paper Monitor readers explaining that their outlook would be about two feet higher if they followed the Independent's advice.
Alan Addison, Glasgow, UK

Re: New doctor training needed. So they just get one? Now that's what I call a cutback.
Diane, Sutton

Following PM's note on the busiest day for busiest days, can I be the first to predict that in two weeks' time or so, the papers will be reporting on the most depressing day of the year? As defined by a spurious formula devised by a teenager doing work experience for a fame-hungry professor with an inferiority complex who never gets any proper work published, in his lunch-hour down the pub on the back of a fag packet? With, of course, accompanying "How to beat the winter blues" articles, advice on self-diagnosing Seasonal Affective Disorder and price comparisons on light boxes? My prediction is Tuesday 22 January.
Sally, London

Surely it's a bit pointless to have a "listen" button under "DJ Bacon on being by throat op"
Jen, Wallasey, UK

Is nothing sacred? Even the door of the has a no smoking notice (which surely should be inside). I just hope the little girl takes note.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

To Paul Dunning (Monday's letters): Please don't anthropomorphise inanimate objects - they hate it.
Colin Edwards, Exeter, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Match the "new year, new you" fitness/mind-balance/good karma advice to the correct newspaper.

1. "The dark side of each of us, this withering inner voice, can be challenged... we can learn to correct the harshness and become our own best friend... This isn't new age twaddle... Think of the kindest person you know, the most encouraging teacher or the most loving mother... It's their voice you want to keep in your head."

2. "Age 45-55... Should you have the stomach and the wallet for it, now is a prime time to embrace plastic surgery... The aim should always be to look as though you have just returned from a lovely long holiday with lots of rest and good food - not as if you were caught bungee-jumping when the wind changed."

3. "Soldiers do a lot of press-ups - they are a key part of their military physical training."

4. "We're proud to pose in our undies... thanks to the [CENSORED SO AS NOT TO SPOIL THE FUN] diet"

5. "When you get home from work, or at the end of the normal day, stay upright and don't sit down for at least half an hour... Does it give you a different viewpoint?"

ANSWERS:

1- "Team Telegraph's" lifestyle adviser Lesley Garner (Daily Telegraph)

2 - Times beauty editor (sic) Sarah Vine

3 - The Guardian's "The Official British Army Fitness Programme"

4 - The Sun's "Lose Weight With Lorraine [Kelly]"

5 - The Independent's "No Diet Diet"

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When it comes to raising a family, 68% of mothers believe fathers are just as good at looking after children as they are, according to a poll of 1,000 people commissioned by the Fatherhood Institute.

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ENTERTAINMENT
Gates joins Dancing on Ice stars
TECHNOLOGY
Gates hails age of digital senses
Well, someone's clearly been diversifying.
Alex Knibb, Bristol, UK

Perhaps I'm less susceptible to the "ahhh factor" than some of your readers, but my first thought in relation to Paper Monitor's story about Sgt Farthing was not "ahhhh" but "isn't that a flagrant violation of anti-rabies regulations?"
Adam, London, UK

Re 10 things (Friday, 4 January), there are actually 20 things pictured; while they may initially have been 10, they weren't when the picture was taken. This could set a very dangerous precedent.
Michael, Nuneaton

It's misleading statistics watch time again! bemoans that "Currently, just 19% of science teachers in England have a physics specialism and 25% a chemistry specialism - which equates to having studied either subject to degree level." Given that "science" includes physics, chemistry, biology and probably IT, then 25% of science teachers having a chemistry specialisation seems quite reasonable!
QJ, Stafford, UK

Hurrah! I've just discovered the secret of immortality and I thought I'd let Monitor readers know first... its CENSORED SO AS NOT TO SPOIL THE FUN
Ian, Redditch

Stuart, Croydon

Is there an "incandescent lightbulb manufacturers organisation" out there? Have they just hired new press people? I hope they're being paid well. Three stories suggesting problems with low-energy light bulbs in four days (, and ). Low energy light bulbs - they may make you unwell, and you can't throw them away easily if they do.
Adam, London (Tooting), UK

Far be it for me to anthropomorphise inanimate objects, but does in this article look depressed?

Paul Dunning, Chelmsford

Re Helen Cumberbatch and a possible return of Caption competition (Fridays letters), how can the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ have been given a 'partial all-clear' to host competitions? If the all-clear is only partial, then surely it isn't an ALL-clear. And, if the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ has been given an all-clear, then it can't be partial.
James, Stirling, Scotland

Did anyone else expect the question about ("One died, one came back alive. So who is the greater hero? ") to be answered with "There's only one way to find out - FIGHT!!!"?
Gareth, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Phew. Monday looks like it could be a very busy day for vast swaths of the UK population. If you are unhappily married, in debt, want a new job or fancy a holiday, today is the day you are most likely to do something about it.

It's the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers, with the strains of the Yuletide proving too much for thousands of couples. It's also the busiest day of the year for Citizens Advice, with inquiries about dealing with debt hitting an annual high, and the day you are most likely to look for a new job or book a holiday.

But something has clearly been forgotten from this busiest-days-for-whatever-a-PR-company-can-come-up-with list. It's also the busiest day for journalists writing about the busiest-days-for-whatever-a-PR-company-can-come-up-with stories. The Times devotes the whole of page three to busiest-day stories. Spare a thought for the unfortunate - and extremely busy - hack who had to write it.

But for all the discontented out there - a story that will warm the cockles of your heart and make you feel all warm and fuzzy about life again. If you like the ahhhh-factor in your stories, the papers are spoiling you.

The Telegraph and Express run the story of the Royal Marine Commando, Sergeant Paul Farthing, who rescued two stray dogs in Afghanistan, smuggled them across the border and brought them back to the UK.

Left in the country they would have faced the daily abuse of dog fighting and scavaging for scraps to stay alive. Instead Tali and Nowzad are now living a "happy and safe" existence in Devon with Sgt Farthing. He's also set up a charity to rehome stray dogs in Afghanistan and provide medical supplies for them.

Now, Paper Monitor does not know if Sgt Farthing is married, but he is guaranteed several hundred - if not thousand - proposals of marriage when this nation of dog lovers read his story today. How does Paper Monitor know this? Because of the well-known media formula - ahhhh-factor + bravery + sensitivity + saving animals = phwoar-factor.

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Divorce and separation requests hit their peak today and the reason cited in 42% of cases is the discovery of an affair, according to a survey of 2,000 couples for InsideDivorce.com.

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