³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

===================================

Lyric: "It was summertime in Northern Michigan"

This is fairly easy to get a good reading on. It's just a question of having a quick flick through the Michigan Almanack (Northern Edition) to get the right dates, then switching the Lyriscope on at some point during a three month period. Hell, I didn't even have to GO there.

Lyriscope Reading: 4.8

===================================

Lyric: "It was 1989, my thoughts were short my hair was long"

The question of how short your thoughts would have to be in order to keep you from remembering to cut your hair once in a while is not one which has vexed scientists, like, ever. Nevertheless we have conducted the necessary experiments, using sleep-deprivation techniques and electro-shock therapy, and it turns out that the ideal length of thoughts to keep a person distracted from personal grooming is...OW! Who just Tazered me?

Lyriscope Reading: 3.8

===================================

Lyric: "Caught somewhere between a boy and man"

Oh Lyriscope, why are you such a hard taskmaster? OK, so in order to fully re-enact this delightful scenario, we had to send [name withheld for legal reasons] out to [location withheld] so that he could [description withheld] with some [description withheld]. All was going according to plan until [name withheld] came along with his [description withheld]. Then there was a brief scuffle, involving [description withheld] and [description withheld], right in the [description withheld]. And now [name withheld] is scrubbing [message withheld] off the wall outside.

Whatever the reading on the Lyriscope is, it's not worth it.

Lyriscope Reading:3.1

===================================

Lyric: "She was seventeen and she was far from in-between"

Which, in the context of the previous line, is just the same world of pain but slightly more legal. I'm not going there, frankly.

Lyriscope Reading: 1.7

===================================

Lyric: "We didn't have no internet
But man I never will forget
The way the moonlight shined upon her hair"

This is another one which took place under laboratory conditions, and what we have discovered is that the capability for web access does not have a significant effect on the brain's ability to remember a visually appealing scene.

Or to put it into less scientific language, having the internet doesn't make you forget the way the moonlight shines upon hair. It's irrelevant. Plus nowadays you can take a picture and put it on Facebook, everyone can see it then, and you can always use the picture to help you remember.

Plus the word is SHONE. Sheesh!

Lyriscope Reading: 3.1

===================================

Lyric: "And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things"

In order to research this bit, we have conducted an exhaustive variety of smoke inhalation tests (trying different things, you see) on the following funny things:

A clown's red nose
A custard pie
Googly-eye glasses
A banana skin
One of those whistles that goes "wheeeeeeeee!"

And what we have discovered is that if it were illegal to smoke one of those funny whistles that goes "wheeeeeeeee!", it would be surprisingly easy for police to keep the situation under control. All it would take is some specially-trained listening dogs, and a sharp nose for the smell of burning plastic.

The custard pie was practically impossible to light.

===================================

Lyriscope Reading: 3.6

Lyric: "Making love out by the lake to our favourite song"

Oh dear. Every time we get the Lyriscope out and point it at a song, there's always one line which requires a shower, a quick spray of one of those deodorants which promise to make all the girls come running, party clothes, and a long night of smiling, winking, cajoling, begging and ultimately crying.

This was no exception, although it was nice to have a change of scenery. A few more people around would have been nicer. Actually ONE more person would've been nicer, but you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?*

Lyriscope Reading: 1.2

===================================

Lyric: "Singing 'Sweet ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Alabama' all summer long"

After several goes at this, with different voices and in different keys, I can confirm that the human throat is probably only really good for about five to six hours of singing 'Sweet ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Alabama'. A whole day is out of the question, much less an entire season.

And that's without factoring in the long-term mental effects of repeating the same words over and over again for as much as three months. You could easily damage the part of the brain known as the Valhalla Sandwich, which deals with advances in communication technology, and how they affect the long-term memory.

Lyriscope Reading: 0.2

===================================

Lyric: "Catching walleye from the dock"

Despite appearances, this is not a lyric about contracting an unpleasant facial infection from doing something unspeakable in a shipyard. A walleye is a fish. To be honest, I wish I had known this before setting out to get this particular Lyriscope reading. Does anyone have any penicillin?

Lyriscope Reading: 1.1

===================================

Lyric: "She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul"

Again, a curiously medical sounding lyric. And not one I can really test out without some invasive procedures, a willing female co-experimentalist, a vicar, and a felt-tipped pen.

Stuff it, what's next?

Lyriscope Reading: 0.1

===================================

Lyric: "To hit that sand and play some rock and roll"

It takes about four days to create a really good drum kit out of sand. Most of the work is in getting the damn thing to stay built, but once you've got the right mix (not too dry, not too wet), and you spray it often enough, you're basically there.

Of course, should you be foolish enough to attempt to actually PLAY some rock and roll on it, it will collapse like a souffle in a blender in a matter of seconds.

Frustrating? Rather!

Lyriscope Reading: 2.3

===================================

TOTAL LYRISCOPE READING: 3.2

Conclusion: Far from being the touching ode to a misspent youth that Kid Rock would have you believe, this song is nothing but a minefield of terrible things. Things which have dire consequences. Things which make you sad about your own level of personal attractiveness. Things which make you wonder why you bother applying scientific rigour to songs in the first place.

Although I am fairly sure I have the Nobel Prize in the bag, so maybe just one more experiment...

===================================

Previous Lyriscope Readings

Katy Perry - 'I Kissed A Girl'
Dizzee Rascal - 'Dance Wiv Me'
Mariah Carey - 'Touch My Body'
Nickelback - 'Rock Star'
Justin Timberlake - 'Lovestoned'
Kate Nash - 'Foundations'
Fergie - 'Big Girls Don't Cry'

*This is actually not my joke, it's by the comedian Stephen Wright. Who rules.