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Bloggers: Know Your Limits...

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Fraser McAlpine | 17:30 UK time, Tuesday, 17 June 2008

A ChartBlog Special ReportIs everyone in a bad mood this week or what? I only ask because for some reason the world's music blog-writers seem to have developed some kind of massive vendetta against the musicians they spend their lives writing about. And in some cases, the musicians are striking back!

Now, Lord knows the work of your humble blog-writer is self-referential enough without people having to wade through editorials like this which seek to establish some kind of quality control across the entire internet (impotent rage? ME? HOW DARE YOU!). But there again, it's annoying to read stuff which has clearly been written just to stir up some debate, by people who are clearly quite clever, but who equally clearly believe that the people reading their stuff are easy to manipulate, and possibly a bit thick.

Example 1: Coldplay
Poor Coldplay. There's something about their combination of good manners, soft sentimentality and massive success which really gets up people's noses. They shout about Chris Martin's less-than-clever lyrics, they call the band bedwetters, they claim that the band are in some way ruining all that is good about rock 'n' roll, as if one listen to 'X&Y' somehow makes Motorhead or Little Richard vanish from history.

And there's something about the release of their latest album which has really invited comment from everyone in the world, including GMTV. Yes GMTV! They were actually running a story about 'Viva La Vida (Or Something Something Friends)', in which they invited viewers to ring/text/email in with their thoughts.

GMTV!

Now, to me, this is a blatant invasion of territory. I do not claim to be able to interview Heather Mills and make her squeak like a helium chaffinch, do I? No. I also do not claim to know whether the MMR vaccine is safe or not, nor do I send Christmas messages to our troops from their families (although if anyone is reading this in a tank or something, Happy New Year!).

I keep out of their way, so I would expect similar treatment in return. Especially as there's something of the Groovy Dad Syndrome about GMTV showing any awareness of a band like Coldplay at all. Girls Aloud, yes. Leon-out-of-the-X-Factor, naturally, but COLDPLAY?

Speaking of an invasion of territory, here's Coldplay's latest song, 'Viva La Vida', with someone jamming a variety of instruments over the top. I particularly like the violin, if only because it's nice to hear someone having a bit of a fiddle with a hit song.

And of course, with the kind of status that guarantees GMTV attention, comes a massive heap of grumpy editorial from the music press, largely centering about how .

The weird thing is that every criticism that can be levelled at Coldplay can also be thrown back at the journalism they spring from. Repetitive, moany, weak, of dodgy literary worth, spineless, pandering to the lowest common denominator, not really in the spirit of rock 'n' roll, sexless... the list goes on and on, every word rebounding off the great big mirror in between the band and the raging, impotent music journo in a never-ending cycle of bluster and huff.

(Brilliantly, one news website is linking to that Coldplay feature with the headline 'Pompous! Andy Gill: Why I Hate Coldplay', which sort of sums it up, really.)

And look, here's me doing it too! And I don't even particularly adore the new Coldplay material, I just don't happen to think they've really done anything to deserve the venomous barbs which are thrown their way. Not while Snow Patrol draw breath, at any rate...

Example 2: Pharrell Williams
So, Pharrell has been telling the press he'd like a go at producing the new Strokes album, and this is something .

This line of knee-jerk reasoning fails to address a couple of really key questions.

1: The Strokes - despite a brilliant last album - could possibly do with a bit of help at this stage in their career.

2: Pharrell is not the production powerhouse he once was. Quality control is no longer his strong point. Maybe he would benefit from the collaboration too.

3: It might all work out just fine. Who knows? And certainly it would be very wrong to say it's a bad idea just because OMG rap people don't belong in rock music. It might be rubbish, but how is anyone going to know unless they try?

Example 3: Lily Allen vs Perez Hilton
Blimey, it's hard to know where to start with this, seeing as it's kind of a case of blogger vs blogger, and really, Lily has done nothing to Mr Hilton that he hasn't done to other celebs in his time.

I can't even show you the picture she made of Perez, and I don't really want to get into the whole "war of words" thing, because from my lofty perch, neither side is looking like the kind of person you'd want to hang out with. Not now.

You know where the sites are, see if you can read the whole self-serving smugfest without feeling massively depressed. It's like watching sloths boxing.

(Although, if pushed, I would say this...Go Team Lily!)

Suffice to say that if you spend your time calling people names, people will want to call you names. If you then go on to call them even more names, they'll probably respond in kind, and then you'll have to take their lunch money and before you know it you're stuck in detention with Perez Hilton, he's crying, and his mum is FURIOUS.

Is that what you want, Lily? Hmm? I thought not.

Now, everyone BEHAVE!

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