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It's only going to take one listen to get it anyway. A grower, this is not. That's the beauty of hip hop, really, it tends to either work first time and leave you winded with its feral intensity, like a punch to the gut, or not at all, and leave you annoyed, like a punch to the crash helmet.

Now, instantaneous music needs to follow a few simple rules in order to work properly. And here's just a few of the bigger ones...

RULE!
Repetition and simplicity are key. Break your music down into easy to digest fragments (it's not unlike doing exam revision, in that sense), and repeat them a lot. You can either have just one fragment on infinite loop, or a couple of similar-sounding ones which you can swap about.

RULE!
As soon as you think people will have latched on to your original fragment and got some idea of what you're doing, change things. You can either put in a pregna

...

nt pause, or you get a different instrument to play your idea, or make it louder, or quieter. Much about with dynamics though, so people feel like they're being taken somewhere.

RULE!
The main hook of your song has to be so addictive it makes crack cocaine look like marmite (to someone who is not keen on marmite, or twiglets, or anything with that sort of yeasty flavour). A good way to achieve this is to go for the audience participation vote. In this case, someone yelling "OH!" in a funny way will stick in the heads of your listeners forever more, and, more importantly, make them want to join in, even if they are listening to your song on the bus, alone.

RULE!
Do NOT be tempted to deviate too far from all the good work you have done thus far. Don't stick in any challenging interludes, don't clutter things up with extra instruments either. You're not trying to make people THINK here, you're after an instinctive reaction.

RULE!
Things which go to an extreme of emotion are easier to process quickly than things which offer a more reserved point of view. So, furious songs are more powerful than angry songs, devastated songs hit harder than sad songs, funny songs are easier to love straight away than wry songs...and so on.

RULE!
Try not to worry about the longevity of the music you are making. There are no hard and fast rules about this kind of thing. Some songs aim to be timeless but sound horribly dated only a year or two after they're released. And other songs sound like a ridiculous cash-in on a moment in time, and end up being seized as a cultural touchstone for ever more. Nobody thought the Beach Boys' surf songs would last, least of all the Beach Boys. So just aim to make your song as true to itself as possible, and then wait and see what happens.

RULE!
Don't worry about being understood. Gibberish always makes people want to hear things again, just to see if they can make sense of it the second/third time around. I've no idea what this fella is on about, but my GOD I'm having fun finding out!

RULE!
DO have a dance routine. Then you can make a video like THIS...

OK, that's enough to get you started. Go forth, be fruitful with your temporary pleasures, multiply!

Released: December 10th

(Fraser McAlpine)