Even More Fun With Press Releases...
The run up to Christmas has seen a bumper crop of stuff arrive at ChartBlog Towers, each new thing beautifully wrapped in a jiffy bag, and accompanied by a sheet of A4 with wonderful writing upon it. And as always, I've been keeping a careful record of the wild claims and extravagent exaggerations made by the people whose job it is to try and win sceptical people over to their new (and occasionally iffy) music. Music that they can only represent using the written word.
It's clearly a lot harder than it looks.
Lee Mead
"The 26-year-old winner of ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ's Any Dream Will Do is putting the finishing touches to his self-titled debut album 'Lee Mead'."
Lee Mead: *concentrating hard* "muh...ehh...ah...duh. FINISHED!"
The Days
"Refreshingly unaffected by indie rock's throwaway scenester trends and jangly guitars..."
Oh yes? I bet they'd be affected by REALLY REALLY LOUD jangly guitars, right enough. Fair play to them for not joining in with the scenester throwing, though. These barbaric bloodsports need to be stamped out, once and for all.
Filo & Peri
"Its unashamedly uplifting melodies won't please the chin-stroking sensibilities of some of the old folks found in dance music's playground."
Some of those people need to be there to make sure no-one gets hurt, y'know. They've got plasters and everything...
Soulja Boy
"In-the-know Premiership players, Beyonce and SpongeBob SquarePants all have one thing in common..."
Is it cellulite?
Ida Maria
"She prefers naked men to whale meat."
She does WHAAT? Burn the witch!
Girls Aloud
"'Sexy! No No No...' was their sixteenth top ten single, a run that has seen them land a place in the Guinness World Records book for the most Top 10 hits in a row in the UK by a female group..."
...with five members in, who were formed by a reality TV show, and whose name begins with a G and ends with Irls Aloud. And that's a very hard record to break, actually...
Speaking of achievements...
Electrovamp
"They're two of the sexiest, sassiest, stunningest sisters from somewhere unpronouncable in South Wales who just happen to have enough attitude for the entire country!"
Why stop there? Why not go the whole hog and say they are THE two sexiest, sassiest, stunningest sisters from somewhere unpronouncable in South Wales who just happen to have enough attitude for the entire country? I mean, while you're damning them with faint praise, why pussyfoot around?
Enrique Iglesias
"His worldwide album sales currently total over 41 million, making him not only one of the biggest Spanish artists in the world, but an international superstar in his own right."
Yeah, he's really taken off since he went solo from being Spanish, hasn't he?
David Guetta
"David has had an incredible summer. His single 'Love Is Gone' not only smashed into the Top 10, but took up permanent residency there."
Can anyone else see what is wrong with this statement? No? OK, go and look at the Top 10, then come back. Got it now?
Sonny J
"The smartest pop album, a sonic Rubik's Cube in a world full of squares."
Nothing wrong with this at all. I mean it's nonsense, but it's entertaining nonsense, and that's good enough for me.
Archangel
"Its rakish, distorted vocals made people think of the Cure and Bowie after a heavy night and a punch-up"
My money's on Bowie. He didn't get a knife named after him for nothing. Plus he's clearly fitter than Robert Smith and those teeth could really do some damage.
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