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Only joking. Yes, I'm backstage at the 2007 Brit Awards, and frankly, my office is AMAZINGLY SUMPTUOUS, look!

And that's not all I have discovered. I have discovered that a lot of paparazzi photographers carry DIY step-ladders around with them, but they get surprisingly chippy if you ask them if they're putting up coving. Possibly they, as a tribe, do not speak smartarse...

I've also discovered that it does not do to fail to respect equal opportunities when it comes to people working the door. If you go to the nearest security guard (who is male) and offer them your wristband to check, you also need to walk over and show it to the female lady with the clipboard, or she will assume you don't like women, or something...

And I have discovered that if you walk about in a purposeful manner, you can get into the background of any amount of filmed interviews for TV. Like the one Noel Gallagher gave to Paul Cattermole. Paul, of course, being the dark-haired and cheeky one out of S Club 7, and Noel being the Beatle-haired and 'maturer' one out of Oasis.

Then there's the very exciting discovery that a red carpet needs red carpet layers. And that if you stroll across their red carpet while they are laying said red carpet, they will not thank you. And they will call for someone to come and hoover up your footprints.

And finally, some photographic discoveries:

The Scissor Sisters are LIARS

Corinne Bailey Rae has a VERY large family.

And look, even miniature Daleks can't keep away from the greatest show on Ear...l's Court.

That's all I've got so far. Come back soon for more, y'hear?

BEEP BEEP!

Fun At The Brit Awards - Part 1
Fun At The Brit Awards - Part 2
Fun At The Brit Awards - Part 3
Fun At The Brit Awards - Part 4
Fun At The Brit Awards - Part 5