The Wave Sneak: The Wave Sneak is the most cunning of surf beasts. It uses every devious ploy known to man (and woman if truth be known, for they are indeed devious) in its singular goal of snaking every other surfer for the best set waves. Some of the tricks the Wave Sneak has been known to adopt include:
Talking casually to adjacent surfers to the point of distraction, then quickly paddling out to meet the un-noticed incoming set.
Calmly paddling around you, whilst whistling the opening bit to "Patience", in order to get the outside track.
On the approach of a choice wave they use distractive comments, such as "How did you do that ding?" or "Your leash has come loose".
In their other lives, Wave Sneaks commonly seek employment as Solicitors, Government Tax Strategists, and Pimps. The really clever ones are often all three. A street-wise Joe Surfer will tend avoid conversation with all other surf creatures just in case one happens to be a Wave Sneak.
The Stylist:
The Stylist is indeed the saddest of all surf creatures, and is completely oblivious to the fact. The Stylist can be identified by any number of exhibitionist traits. The classic manoeuvre of the Stylist is the gratuitously un-necessary soul arch, performed within a millisecond of take-off and on any surf device or wave form. Generally they have a garish predilection for paisley fins, girly hair, and floral pattern boards/cars/shirts/sunglasses. There are no female Stylists, due to unconscious vanity being a fundamental trait of the species. You cannot possibly be a Stylist if you ask "does my bum look big in this wetsuit?". The Stylist will be the surfer constantly flicking its hair in the carpark, and having a slightly stoned appearance (caused by over-inhalation of hair product). Flashing of the private parts when suiting up is another common trait of this creature.
The Super Grommet:
The Super Grommet has a half-life of about 2 years. Usually 12-16 years old, skinny as a Bulrush and weighing in at about 3 pounds. They tend to ride 4'2" x 10" x 3/8" old thrusters and are the only creature to catch waves earlier than Longboard Wave Hog. Super Grommets have been known to metamorphose into Dread Heads, the nice ones occasionally discover the virtues of mild narcotics and turn Sanguineously Apoplectic. The really talented ones become surf champions and use their status to sell over-priced surf products to the exploitable masses (you again I'm afraid).
The Starfish:
Starfish are the unfortunate breed of true surfer that no matter how hard they try, they remain destined to never truly learn to surf. Lying prone on their boards, arms and legs akimbo, with the nose of the board about a foot in the air they are destined to forever flounder in the foam. Please take pity and don't run them over, they are surfers after all.
Bottom Feeders:
The last species in our anthropological study are the bottom feeders. In every eco-system there is a need for lower life forms that feed off the detritus cast away by the more advanced organisms. In the universe of the wave there are also such creatures. Commonly referred to as goatboaters and spongers. There is only one question: Why?
Beneath the bottom feeders lie the amoeba known as canoeists (the train spotters of the surf). The drop in rule doesn't apply to canoeists, so next time your out surfing - mow them down and tell them that Squirrel said it was OK! So Joe/Josephine, watch out for these creatures and adapt your tactics to suit; the wave of the day is yours for the taking.
This article is the express opinion of the writer and in no way represents the opinions, beliefs or policies, either corporate or corporeal of the current, past or future Director General, Governors or general insignificant minions of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ.
Surfing Squirrel - July 2004
