Just consider the boost your adult brain gets from rewards – they’re handy tools to supercharge you through tricky tasks or goals. And they work in a similar way for little ones too.
“When they’re used effectively, they can help your child find the motivation to progress, learn and grow,” explains clinical psychologist Barbara Di Benedetto.
“Use them to encourage positive behaviours and skills, and to help your child tolerate frustrations too – for example, when you’re asking them to do something that’s less enjoyable for them.”
Top tips: When and how to use rewards with your child
Like so many aspects of parenting, finding what works for your child is about trial and error. Barbara suggests…
“As simple as it sounds, the best advice is to try out a reward system and see how it goes, then adapt.”
1. Be clear and specific
Give simple and clear instructions to your child, adapting your language so they understand.
Try to use a specific reward for a specific purpose, such as tidying up after playtime or going to bed calmly.
“Ad only use it for that one purpose. They shouldn’t be able to access the reward for another reason,” adds Barbara.
2. Be consistent
Always follow through with what you say.
If you sometimes reward your child and sometimes don’t, or sometimes reward them even if they haven’t reached their goal, it’s confusing.
Encourage and involve all your family, Barbara says. “Whether it’s your partner or grandparent, make sure all the adults who care for your child are on board. If you have more than one child, they should have a reward system too.”
And whatever they’re learning, whether it’s sharing or being patient, be a positive role model. “Make sure you demonstrate the behaviours you’re trying to inspire”.
3. Use praise at the same time
Always pair your reward with warm praise, a high-five or a clap, recommends Barbara.
“Although younger children are more responsive to physical rewards rather than words and phrases, as they grow and their brain becomes more receptive, they will become less reliant. This means they’ll eventually be happy with you simply saying, ‘You did a great job’.”
Avoid sprinkling any criticism on your praise, such as ‘You did brilliantly, well done. But why couldn’t you do this before?’
4. Time the reward right
“Reward and praise as quickly as possible after the positive behaviour happens,” says Barbara.
“This is particularly important if your child is under three years old. They need the reward straight away because they aren’t comfortable with waiting.”
5. Try immediate and longer-term rewards
Small everyday acts like being kind to someone or behaving well at the supermarket are valuable opportunities to reward, says Barbara.
“Ad for behaviours that are trickier to master and need time, try structured rewards. You could use a sticker chart, magnetic tokens on your fridge, a jar of stars or marbles – anything that builds – and they get a reward once it’s full.”
Older children respond well to this kind of visual reward system that builds over time, but it can also work for under-threes in specific situations, adds Barbara.
“When it’s for a limited period, such as potty training, there are fewer chances for them to become uninterested. Pair your sticker or star with a lot of excitement so the whole experience makes them feel good and keeps them going without an immediate reward.”
6. Be positive and warm, whatever happens
Focus on what your child needs to do, rather than not do.
“So, rather than saying you’ll reward them for ‘not hitting’ for example, say you'll reward them for ‘hands down’ or ‘kind hands’, if they understand it,” recommends Barbara.
And whether your child succeeds or not, be positive and reward their effort. Avoid nit-picking or telling them what they could have done differently.
“Being loving even when your child is not making much progress shows them that your love is unconditional. Otherwise, they’ll pick up on you being more stressed and detached.”
“A classic example is potty training again. It’s natural to feel tense when your child keeps having accidents, but these are all part of the learning process.”
7. Keep reviewing whether your child’s rewards are working
It's easier said than done, especially when life’s so hectic, but be patient – there will be ups and downs.
“Monitor whether the behaviours you want to see have increased, such as tidying up toys after playing,” recommends Barbara.
“If you don’t see any benefits after consistently trying, it might not be the right approach or the right reward for your child.”
And if it doesn’t work, reframe it. Your child can’t do something yet – they haven’t made a deliberate choice not to do it.
“Sometimes, even when we have good intentions, we can expect too much from a child who’s not ready,” says Barbara.
“Some children can be very sensitive to demands and may be seen as being difficult. But it could be due to sensitivities or a neurodivergence that’s not yet been identified. Rewards may not be quite right for them and they need a different type of approach.”
How do I choose the right rewards to inspire my child?
“Choosing rewards is very individual. Focus on what your child values and is right for your family,” explains Barbara.
“Incorporate your child’s natural interests – think about what motivates them and the things they like to do.”
“A arts and crafts session, bike ride or a trip to the library to pick out a book might motivate some children, but not others. Some children find verbal praises rewarding, but others respond better to something more concrete, such as access to a favourite item or activity.”
Having said all that, there are some dos and don’ts when choosing your rewards, adds Barbara.
Go for inexpensive small rewards or experiences. “Such as screen time or outdoor activities. Expensive rewards or grand gestures set the bar too high and your child may expect something big every time. And the bigger the reward, the harder it’ll be to wean them off and accept praise alone.”
Save big rewards for longer periods of progress. “So your child can accumulate tokens or stickers towards them.”
Let older children be part of the process of choosing a reward. “It will increase the chances of the reward motivating them.”
Match the reward and the effort. “If the reward is less rewarding than the behaviour, it will be less successful. You need something that is strong enough to motivate your child.”
Boost motivation by keeping the reward exclusive. “For instance, if your reward is a trip to the park - it will be less powerful if your child has been to the park recently or knows they’re going anyway as part of their normal routine.”
Switch rewards up. “The novelty effect can quickly wear off, so change rewards to keep your child engaged.”
Avoid using food treats as rewards. “It’s easy to do this but it reinforces the message that eating unhealthy foods is a treat and eating healthy foods is a chore – and discourages a healthy relationship with eating. Likewise, avoid using rewards to encourage eating.”
