Shortly after his appearance on Nihal’s 5 Live radio show, we caught up with DJ and star of Celebs Go Dating Tom Zanetti. Tom’s son Deaconn was born when he was just 17 years old and he has spent much of the last 14 years living as a single dad. What was it like becoming a father at such a young age and how did he cope?
“It was a massive shock, if I’m honest mate.” says Tom when asked. ‘It’s not something that I wanted or planned. I’d been kicked out of school, I didn’t have a job and I didn’t have anything to support a child. I lived on a council estate with my mum and my brother and sister.” Despite this, Tom was determined to make the best life for his son, “I just started working any job I could get. I was working in factories, 6 o’clock in morning, 6 o’clock at night, I was working as a butcher putting pork in pies on a conveyor belt. I was working at anything I could do - bricklaying, roofing, scaffolding…”
Building early bonds
Tom says that up until this time, he had lacked focus in his teenage years, “I was getting arrested for silly things, just messing around. I was living on quite a rough estate and the company I kept were all older lads who were doing things they shouldn’t be doing.” But having Deaconn changed Tom’s life, giving him a positive way of channelling his time and energy. “I loved it - I just stayed at home with Deaconn at my mum’s house. All my friends were out doing what they were doing, but I just wasn’t really interested. I just enjoyed being at home.” Tom warmly remembers being in his mum’s loft bedroom with his little boy, “It was my calm place, he was so lovable, so cuddly, always really attached to me and really sweet, never a problem.” He talks about spending hours watching Bob the Builder on repeat and enjoying skin-to skin contact, a sure-fire way of boosting love hormones for bonding.
It sounds weird, but feeling his warm skin on my chest, watching him sleep and listening to him breathe – that was one of the most calming, nicest things I can remember.
Being a proud dad
So far so blissful when it comes to life at home, but what did others think of him becoming a dad at such a young age? “Sometimes you can feel a bit looked down on if you’re a young parent”, says Tom. “I could always feel, you know, people looking at me in a tracksuit with a gold chain on, pushing a baby around in a pram” he remembers.
I was from a rough estate, but I was a good person and a good dad, I’d like to think.
Tom says he never let others’ ideas faze him however, “I used to be really proud” he says. “I bought one of those chest carriers, like a papoose” he remembers, ‘I must have been 18 at this point and we went out in a matching outfit - pink shirt, jeans and even matching sunglasses. And on the estate where I lived all my pals used to just hang around the shops, and I went up to the shop with my son on my chest and I was just buzzing to see all my boys and show him off.”
The power of music
Tom speaks glowingly about being able to watch Deaconn develop into the ‘little gentleman’ he is today. His son has been able to travel the world with his dad having experiences other 14 year olds could only dream about, including taking to the decks at V Festival. But music has always been a point of bonding for the pair, even in much less spectacular ways. Tom recalls how he once beatboxed Deaconn to sleep as a baby suffering from colic. “That became quite a regular thing. I’d just start beatboxing or singing quietly in his ear. He’d just open his eyes and then stop crying.” Tom recognises how important music is to the emotional development of children: “the most pure proof of that is seeing a 10 month, 15 month or year old baby, bobbing around to music. Even at that age when they can’t communicate, they can still feel something [from music].”
Dealing with worries
What advice does Tom have for other young dads out there who might feel unprepared for fatherhood like he was initially? “There is light at the end of the tunnel. There’s nothing more important in your life than your child and your family. So if you’ve got that, if you’ve got the love and the determination to make it work, everything else will follow.” Tom understands how it is to cope with the judgement of others as a young dad and says that it’s best to take it with a huge pinch of salt and keep doing what you’re doing. “If anyone can look down on and judge someone who’s taken responsibility to look after their family then… I’d like to swear right now.”
I just look at other young parents think ‘I’ve been there. You’re doing what you can do and that’s it’, so I salute them.
Advice for other young dads
We caught up with men’s practitioner Owen Hargreaves, who works with new and first-time dads, to get some advice for other dads that might feel overwhelmed and who, like Tom, may find themselves becoming their child’s main carer.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
It’s good to find someone to speak to about any struggles you might be having, whether this is a trusted friend, another dad or a family member. “To use a flat-pack furniture analogy, blokes never like to look at the instruction manuals for help. But it’s really important if you’re struggling to reach out” says Owen.
Look out for your own mental health
“It takes a massive amount of resilience to be a single parent, dads especially” Owen stresses.
To that end, it’s important to keep your own wellbeing in check. “If dads can look after themselves, then that will reflect on how the baby is as well. It sounds a bit strange as your baby can seem like the whole focus of your life, however, it’s important to focus on yourself sometimes, because if you’re not right in yourself it’s going to have an impact on the baby. It’s easy to fall into the trap of putting everything else first as a new dad but an unhappy dad can make for an unhappy baby.”
Seek out other dads
Becoming a dad can mean a huge change in lifestyle and can have an effect on your social circle. But Owen is keen to stress the importance of seeking out other dads who will share in your experiences and offer reassurance. “Familiar friends might not be as available to you anymore, so it can be good to look for other dads (even granddads) to connect with, particularly those with more experience who can act as a bit of a guide or mentor.”
Ordinarily, dads might find themselves brought together by the usual trips out with baby to places like children’s centres, nurseries and cafes. However, it’s a little more complicated at the moment. “A lot of that’s been kiboshed by coronavirus, but there are places you can look to. have a lot of good resources and there are lots of online forums and apps that can help.”
“Even if you’re out and about with your baby and you see another dad on their own with a baby in the park or in the street, try to spark up a conversation. By talking to someone and allowing them to say how they’re getting on it can lead to you being able to share your dad super-powers and both the good and not-so-good experiences of being a dad.”
Further advice
If you’re struggling as a new dad, it might be worth having a conversation with your GP.
˿ Action Line has links to a number of organisations that may be able to help too.
