³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

Walked through Birmingham in the snow early this morning, an icing sugar dusting of virgin snow had settled over wealthy and poor alike.

His strange dialect was initially difficult to understand so I followed him down a nearby alley, this turned out to be a mistake.

Morris Telford

I had no idea Birmingham was so beautiful. When I have heard people talk of Birmingham they say dirty, industrial, concrete, tense, but when I saw the streets of Birmingham this morning it was icy fresh, tasty, new and full of goodness, like a giant brummie sorbet.

Saw a man asleep in a skip, next to him a luxury car. IÂ’m not sure what make the car was, but it looked expensive, the skip was a large open skip, one of the 12 cubic yard capacity red and yellow ones like a builders skip but with higher sides. The icy dusting made the sleeping man and the expensive car look equally exquisite. I woke the sleeping man, who looked like Stan Kirsch, only older and asked him if I could buy him breakfast, hoping perhaps to find what ills troubled Birmingham and how I might tackle them. His strange dialect was initially difficult to understand so I followed him down a nearby alley, this turned out to be a mistake.

It was an hour later when I woke up, blood crusted on my forehead and a stabbing pain in my side, where, as it turned out, IÂ’d been stabbed. My wallet had been taken from my pocket, I had prepared for this eventuality and concealed most of my cash in my left shoe. Unfortunately my shoes were also gone.

I was taken to Accident and Emergency, nothing serious wrong with me but they say something stabbed me in the side and knocked me on the head. The authorities refute my suggestions that I may have slipped on the ice hitting my head and landing on a knife-like object, and then perhaps some opportunistic children may have taken my shoes for a joke, they seem to think the man in the skip mugged me. I admit thatÂ’s a possibility, but like to keep an open mind about things and will not be pressing charges.

DidnÂ’t leave the hotel room today, I removed the dressings myself and it looks a lot worse then I imagine it really is. My body is bruised and punctured but my spirit is full of fire and determination. I found if I moved the hotel television onto the bed, I could watch TV in the mirrors reflection from the bath, so I caught up on world events, Trisha and Neighbours.

My body is bruised and punctured but my spirit is full of fire and determination.

Morris Telford

Room Service is incredibly expensive, so I made a modest meal out of complimentary tea, coffee, instant hot chocolate, oat biscuits and UHT milk. Supplies were low by eleven, but I was able to liberate some extra biscuits from the maidÂ’s trolley.

I rang a travel agent and booked the cheapest ticket to the States that they had, a cancellation flight to Alabama. It leaves Heathrow in four days, weather permitting, so IÂ’m going to go out now and buy some travel clothes and new shoes. IÂ’m leaving the room right now. Goodbye.

Never again will I marvel at the sleek grey design of an E440 heavy duty stapler. Still, no great achievement was ever made without some measure of sacrifice.

Morris Telford

IÂ’m back. I made it as far as the Hotel bar, bought six bags of crisps and some dry-roasted peanuts before running back to my room. I need to shake out of this mood. The room has become a safe womb for me, a secure haven in what I perceive as an unsafe city, and I need to snap out of this right now. My masterplan was to travel, discover, enlighten and free, how can I free others from their fears and repression if I canÂ’t get past the lobby?

I’ve not really travelled that far by world standards, Telford is only about 30 miles west, but already the changes in dialect make communication difficult, the only thing Room Service did seem to offer me that I understood was "arse cream" which I didn’t require. It occurred to me just now she may have meant ‘ice cream’. Damn, I like ice cream.

Saw a demonstration on the news where 750 women in Australia stripped naked and formed a heart and an anti-war slogan from their bodies. I found this incredibly inspirational and finally left my hotel room. Motivated by their brave nude sentiments, I walked into the busiest shopping precinct I could find and took off my anorak and then my jumper while shouting "Say No To War!" as loudly as I could manage. No-one really paid much attention and it was very cold so I put my clothes back on.

So I went to a department store café instead. I chose the cafe so they would not mistake my lone anti-war protest for not being able to find a changing room. I just started to get my top off and security asked and then propelled me to leave before I really managed to get my point across about saying no to war.

In the evening I found my way back to the skip where I’d tried to buy the man who looked like an older Stan Kirsch some breakfast. He was still there, fast asleep and wearing my shoes. To show I bore him no ill will, I did buy him a breakfast bap from a café and left it next to him in the skip with a brief note explaining my quest for global harmony and the basic premise of goodness that drives me.

"Hello friend.

It has been suggested to me that you mugged me, violated my rights, stole my possessions and left me for dead. I believe in the basic good nature of all people so IÂ’m sure this is not the case and it was simply a misunderstanding. IÂ’ve left you some breakfast (under this note) and I hope this simple gesture restores your faith in human nature. I can see from your current sleeping arrangements that times are difficult and hope things improve for you, that fine pair of shoes you now wear propel you to self-betterment and next time our paths cross you are happy, healthy and less violent. Try to rise like a refuse covered phoenix from the fires of misfortune, using my example as a lighter fluid.

All the best, Morris.

P.S. you ever visit Moreton Say, IÂ’ve left my MotherÂ’s address, pop in for some tea."

Met a man at Heathrow that works in a small airport shop that sells nothing but Ties. He was called James and looked like a younger Hilary Clinton.

Morris Telford

IÂ’m hiding the palmtop now, the three boys seem to think itÂ’s a Gameboy and keep trying to grab it.

I pretended to be asleep for most of the journey, this was oddly stressful and tiring, the boys kept poking me.

IÂ’ve just found out that Alabama has a Birmingham too, a sign of some sort surely?

IÂ’ve given a tie to each of my fellow travellers as an ice-breaker (a tie-breaker?) and they seem a fine collection of people, though most of them are too tired to talk to me for long.

Morris Telford

Just before getting on the plane Toby rang, he starts work at my old office tomorrow, doing the job I forsook to save mankind. He also told me he is ‘seeing’ the woman who lives next door, my lovely Sophia. I had to turn the phone off before he could tell me much more, but obviously I am very happy for him. And for Sophia.

IÂ’m on the plane now; IÂ’ve never flown before. My mother suggested I suck butterscotch when we take off, I canÂ’t remember why. I didnÂ’t have any butterscotch so I sucked on the complimentary headphones instead. IÂ’ve given a tie to each of my fellow travellers as an ice-breaker (a tie-breaker?) and they seem a fine collection of people, though most of them are too tired to talk to me for long.