Nicola Harrison lets it all hang out ...
This is a cautionary tale for all mothers who love their nighties too much. Once upon a time there was a mother who had a weakness for shabby nighties which she was reluctant to change out of in the morning. This mother was a dull, slothful creature, a lie-a-bed who could barely get up in time for the school run.
One November morning my two shining sons burst into my bedroom and yelled,
"Wake up! or we'll be late!"
"What's the time", I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
"Half eight. Come on!"
Realising that I had only 10 minutes to get them all the way to school, I leapt out of my bed and charged out of the front door, closely followed by the two shining sons and the fat black dog. Clad only in my favourite nightie, the old blue one, which the dog had chewed, I jumped into the car, slammed it into reverse and went screaming off down the hill in the general direction of school. But alas, all the way there, the car made strange revving noises and produced dark threatening clouds of acrid smoke. It was an old car, badly in need of a service.
"Oh God!" I shrieked, but carried on driving because I knew that if my two shining sons were late for school again they'd get detention - it was that sort of school you see.
Just as the reeking car pulled up outside the school gates, their was an almighty explosion under the bonnet and the engine died. The fat dog and the two shining boys, bolted from the car and ran for cover. I grabbed the dog, crouched down behind the holly bush so that no one would see me and send the eldest shining boy into school to call a cab.
An interesting conversation took place between Boy 1 and Senior Master.
Sir! said Boy 1, "My mother's car has exploded. May I use your phone to call a taxi so that she can get my little brother to school and get home."
You don't need a taxi my boy! I'd be more than happy to give your mother a lift in my car!"
Charming man! But Boy 1 pictured his shabby benighted mother lurking behind the holly bush, and panicked!
Oh no! You don't want to do that sir! She's got the dog and you don't want muddy paws all over your upholstery, do you sir?"
"Of course I don't mind, I have a dog of my own. Where is your mother ..."
At this point Boy 1 nearly lost it, he swallowed twice then said with an inventiveness well beyond his tender year, "Well she's outside, but the dog's very frightened and when she's very frightened you don't know what she might DO in your car sir!"
Senior Master smiled, "Very well, the phone is in my office."
Boy 2, the dog and I huddled behind the holly bush in the drizzling rain and watched out for the taxi. I couldn't stop shivering. It was very cold weather for nighties. Ten minutes later the taxi arrived.
"Brrr!" I exclaimed as I sat down, these seats are cold."
The cab driver grinned at me in the mirror, "Well you're not wearing much for this time of year, are you love!"
I gave him a haughty stare. "I wasn't expecting the car to blow up.."
When the cab was well on its way home, I suddenly remembered something terribly important. Leaning forward I yelled through the little window "Would you mind stopping at the garage for a moment, I've run out of teabags..."
The cabbie pulled onto the garage forecourt. As I pushed open the shop door, I heard laughter, and turned back to see the cab driver bent double over his wheel, literally shaking with mirth. He wound down his window and shouted, "Hey! No wonder you thought my seats were cold. Your bum's hanging out!"
Mortified I twisted round and saw a huge tear in my nightie. A great hole that the dog had ripped out of it through which the pale cheeks of my buttocks were cruelly exposed. In horror I wrapped the remaining fabric round my backside and scuttled back into the cab.
The cabbie didn't stop laughing until we pulled up outside the house. "That'll be 拢6.50 love," he snorted.
With great dignity and restraint, I paid the man and then turned to walk away. "Hey!" he roared after me, "mind your back!"
And that is the moral of this little tale. Well, one of the morals anyway. The rest I leave you to work out!
