成人快手

By Stuart Hay // 成人快手 The Social contributor // 16 October 2020

"You're that orange b* that does they videos, ain't ye?". All my life I've been that guy. That's what happens when your staunch, Protestant family brings you up in a predominantly Catholic town and the majority of your friends support the green half of Glasgow.

I've been "The Token H**" all my life, sometimes feeling like the "freak show" that's pulled out at parties. Being called that, be it "one of the good ones", didn't affect me at all. This time it was different and I’d end the night with with a concussion and cracked ribs.

I'd been out having a few drinks with a fellow comedy writing friend on the eve of my 30th birthday. We met in what was always referred to "the most laid back pub in town" and we sat and spoke about the demise of Scottish football and Nirvana. I'm a huge fan of the band and my friend had remarkably toured with them back in the early 90s.

We sat and laughed, shared sketch ideas and I sat in awe as he told me old stories about Kurt Cobain. It was an extremely laid back night in a very quiet pub. As we said our goodbyes, he handed me a signed copy of his book he wrote about his time with Nirvana as a birthday gift. I flicked through the book as I started the journey home, still in awe that I had just spent my night speaking to someone who personally knew my hero.

As I read the personalised inscription he had left me, I heard the sharp, antagonised statement that kicked it all off - "readings fur p****, mate". I looked up to see a group of late teens standing about 20 yards from me, all looking my way.

Well, the jig was up. I was that guy that made those videos. I put the book in my inside pocket as I responded, "aye, that’s me" and that's when the group approached me and I have no further recollection of the event.

I know a fight broke out. I have faint memories and flashbacks of the feeling of an onslaught of kicks and boots coming from all angles. I was eventually helped up by one of them, who must have had a moment of clarity and regret as he pulled me to my feet and said "mate, just get out of here" as blood ran from my nose and my mouth.

After that, I stumbled home and still to this day cannot remember anything from the event. I've seen CCTV of it but still can't piece it together in my head.

Now, this isn't some pity piece I'm writing here to make people feel sorry for what happened to me and it's definitely not an article demanding something must be done about sectarian violence. I don't hate those laddies. They're complete and utter idiots, that's a given, but unfortunately what happened to me is just something I knew would happen at some point.

When I chose to go into making comedy sketches about the Old Firm, I knew that there was the possibility people would get upset, but hoped that the majority would see the funny side, as I did, and enjoy the laughs I would have with my best friends, who are all Celtic fans. I felt like I could tap into both sets of fans' mindsets having spent most of my weekends in "neutral" pubs (even though Celtic buses would leave from them) and spending time at Ibrox and Rangers’ pubs when I was going to the games.

I started to see the invisible line of communication between the fans and felt I had an insight into their psyche. I'd have Celtic fans talk to me pished in the smoking areas - thinking I'm a Celtic fan and telling me their worst fears about their team, things they would NEVER let a fan of the opposite team hear and on the other side, being brought up a Rangers fan with a very staunch father. I was in this very unique position where I had a foot in both camps and I started to write and shoot my sketches.

Now, being brought up in a very traditional Protestant family, I know full well just how invaluable the connection to Rangers is and I know just how strong the hatred for the opposite end can be. I've seen it all.

I’ve been taken to orange walks since I was a baby and listened to my dad sing loyalist songs as far back as I can remember. Orange walks and the whole loyalist thing just never appealed to me. I have friends who play in the bands and it's a huge part of their life and as much as I understand it's the culture and the tradition, I still can't help but see how easy it is to ridicule people who follow 400-year-old traditions back from a time when they still believed in witches.

As for the Catholic side of things - I grew up hearing the whispers from my friends saying "he's a Rangers fan, we can't hang about with him" and the restrictions that came with wanting to hang around with my pals regardless of what team they supported. There were constant jibes from their families, playful but steeped in truth, so I know full well just how seriously people in the west of Scotland take their football team and the culture around supporting that team. I knew writing comedy around the Old Firm wasn't going to be a smooth ride but it's a ride I'll never get off.

Since starting to make these videos I have gained notoriety I never thought was possible. People speak to me in the street, people buy me pints in BOTH sets of pubs.

My vision of hoping the majority of people would laugh with me has genuinely been the case and I feel this is the reason I write this.

Supporting either side of the Old Firm is one of the most exciting, heart-breaking, euphoric and miserable experiences you'll ever have. It can be romantic and enchanting getting caught up in the atmosphere and it's one of the best sensations of being part of a community. The small amount of violent sectarian attacks are made by poisonous, narrow-minded people unfortunately and unfairly we're all sometimes tarred with the same brush.

The majority of Old Firm supporters are good people who are passionate and proud of their team and who also know that they can laugh at themselves. The boys I met that night do not represent the true culture of being a fan of the Old Firm.

Unfortunately, you cannot control how people feel and react. This fixture itself is constantly bombarded by media about how hate-filled it is but it's not the game that causes this, it's the people who choose to react in a violent way towards others regardless of a football game.

Old Firm days are some of the best times I've had in my life and it's the same for the vast majority of supporters of both sides. The majority are level headed, sensible people who only want a laugh and a joke with their friends at the other team’s expense. Small-minded, hate-filled people, like the group that attacked me, do not represent us and we shouldn't be thrown in with them anymore.