Ouch Talk Show 60 – Christmas 2010
bbc.co.uk/ouch/podcast

Presented by Mat Fraser and Liz Carr

The Ouch Podcast is a download from the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ. For more information, and our terms of use, go to bbc.co.uk/ouch.


MAT	[Bells chiming] Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping on your nose. 
LIZ	Not a creature stirred, not even a mouse. 
MAT	Later we'll have some pumpkin pie and we'll do some carolling eh? 
LIZ	There's a Christmas party at the home of Farmer Grey it'll be the perfect ending to the perfect day. 
MAT	The stars in the bright sky look down where he lay. 
LIZ	Do they know it's Christmas time? [Bells chiming]
EMMA	It's the Ouch Christmas lunch show from the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ with Mat Fraser and Liz Carr.
MAT	Potatoes?
LIZ	Check. 
MAT	Turkey? 
LIZ	Check.
MAT	Sprouts?
LIZ	Check.
MAT	Christmas pudding, prawn cocktail and mince pies? 
LIZ	Check, check, check. 
MAT	And how about the guests? 
LIZ	Oh yes looks who's joining us in the studio, it's Simon Minty, hello Simon.
SIMON	Hi Liz. Hi Mat.
MAT	Hi. 
LIZ	And of course Rob Crossan. 
ROB	Hello to you both. 
LIZ	Hello. Are you excited, are you as excited as us about Christmas? 
ROB	Well I was until I came into the studio and then in years gone by we've had streamers, we've had, I think even one year, we had a little glass of Prosecco but this year, times are hard quite clearly... 
LIZ	No Rob... 
MAT	There's a half eaten mince pie behind you. 
ROB	Oh is there. 
LIZ	But later on a certain red faced old bearded gentleman might be joining us later from his snowy home. 
ROB	Oh really!
LIZ	Yes. 
ROB	And then will everything change? 
LIZ	Yes. 
ROB	Because you see what I've got in front of me...
LIZ	It's one mince pie. 
ROB	... it's a plastic tray with a used teabag and one mince pie.
MAT	Listen, listen it's not our fault that George Osborne brought in the cuts, okay? 
LIZ	It's the austerity Christmas show. 
ROB	And austere it most certainly is so far. 
LIZ	Absolutely. 
MAT	Something that can never be labelled at you Mr Minty, you're not an austere gentleman, you're a happy-go-lucky guy aren't you?
SIMON	Yeah, although that said, I have brought my own water in and I have a little plastic bottle of water, so it is a little bit desperate but... 
MAT	They're revolting, Liz, they're revolting. 
SIMON	I'm getting a bit excited. When the music, I love it when the Christmas music starts on the radio that's when I really start getting very excited. 
ROB	Which one in particular, which song? 
SIMON	My favourite probably Greg Lake I believe in Father Christmas which was a kind of '70s progrock version but, man, it's fabulous. 
MAT	I'm more... 
SIMON	I've just ruined it haven't I?
MAT	No I'm more of a Jona Lewie [singing] De, de, de de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de. 
SIMON	Stop the Cavalry. 
MAT	That's the one. But before we continue I believe we can happily announce that you are now, listeners, listening to the 94th most popular comedy podcast in the UK. 
LIZ	Whoo!! Thank you very much listeners. 
MAT	Keep telling your friends about us and maybe we'll be into the '80s by the New Year.
LIZ	We can only hope. 
ROB	Do we know what number 95 is so we can go, "In your face!"
LIZ	And we'll be serving up our lunch today in three helpings; a starter, main course and pudding. So it's time to begin our Christmas festivities. 
[Jingle Bells]
MAT	We're about to serve up the starter now, is everyone hungry? 
ALL 	Hm-mm. 
MAT	Good. What do you usually have for starter at Christmas? Simon? 
SIMON	I don't think we do have a starter. I have had prawn cocktail once when we had lunch out for Christmas Day and I loved it, it was great, but normally we skip starters straight in. 
MAT	Rob? 
ROB	Smoked salmon. 
MAT	Ooh!
LIZ	Smoked salmon.
MAT	Smoked salmon.
LIZ	That's what we do in the North West, that's how we roll. 
ROB	That's the way we play the game. 
MAT	I think I just used to have a champagne cocktail which is brandy and champagne in equal measures. But our starter today on the world's biggest disability talk show is a delicious radio bowl full of alphabet soup! 
LIZ	Hm-mm. 
ROB	Erm, what kind of Christmas dinner is this? 
MAT	Well sit back and you'll find out. I will be your quiz master for this section and oh boy have I been waiting a long time for this. Just three questions before we begin. Is anyone here dyslexic? 
ALL	No. 
MAT	Has anyone here got a problem with flash photography?
ALL	No. 
MAT	Does anyone here have a nut allergy? 
ALL	No. 
MAT	Then we begin. Here are the rules. It's a fast and simple parlour game. We're about to go through the alphabet starting with the letter 'A'. For each letter you need to come up with a word associated with disability right the way up to the letter 'Z'. We may force you to justify your word if the majority of people around the table don't understand what you're talking about or don't get it. The winner is the person who has the most amused me. That's right it's completely arbitrary and down to my sense of power. 
LIZ	Why did you ask about the nut allergy? 
MAT	Random questions to do with health and safety. 
LIZ	Okay. 
MAT	I've been hounded and pounded by health and safety for the last week. 
ROB	You didn't ask if any of us were too drunk to operate heavy machinery. 
MAT	No that's true. Are any of you too drunk to operate heavy machinery?
ROB	I am a bit yeah. 
MAT	Oh [making buzzer sound]
LIZ	I wanted to play Christmas Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable.
MAT	Well it's my turn to be the quiz master, Liz, you're not the lady in power now. The man is in the power. 
LIZ	Okay. 
MAT	Let me see; who's going to start off this hilarity that may have all sorts of unforeseen and hidden pitfalls, with you three I wouldn't be surprised. I'll choose Liz, A?
LIZ	Amputee. 
MAT	Nice. Rob, B?
ROB	Er... 
MAT	I'll have to press you. 
LIZ	Come on, you are one. 
ROB	Blind. 
MAT	Oh lovely. C, Simon? 
SIMON	I have to do cripple, surely? Risky.
MAT	Fair enough. A bit cruel. 
SIMON	I don't use that. I don't use it normally. 
MAT	I'm going to go back the other way now because I'm going to have for you, Simon Minty, D? I wonder what he's going to choose?
SIMON	Dyslexia. 
MAT	Ooh. Rob, what's next - E?
ROB	Eczema? 
MAT	Hm. Liz, F?
LIZ	Flid. 
MAT	Find me a proper one. 
LIZ	Hey! 
MAT	You threw me there. Me I'm going to take G on myself. Geographically incompetent. Sorry. Simon H? Let's keep it moving please. Have to press you. 
SIMON	I'm going to have to pass. 
LIZ	Halitosisly impaired. 
MAT	Very good, thank you Liz. A bonus point for Liz Carr there. Rob, I? 
ROB	Idiot?
MAT	Hm. 
SIMON	Is it just any word now it hasn't really got to be... 
MAT	No, no you're right Simon.
LIZ	What's that to do with disability? 
MAT	That's a good challenge. Rob, I'm going to have to throw it back to you, something else other than the mere idiot.
ROB	Many people are often referred to pejoratively with mental disabilities are referred to pejoratively as idiots. 
SIMON	That's true. 
MAT	Point proved, made although rather ungainly. So J?
LIZ	For joints, joint problems, joints taken by people with MS. Joints generally. 
MAT	Oh I get it very clever. 
LIZ	Yeah!
MAT	Simon, K?
SIMON	Oh for crying out loud I'm really struggling with this game. K.
MAT	K. Kaleidoscope.
SIMON	Kick something. No. 
MAT	Throwing it open to the others? 
LIZ	The knickerbox that incontinents have to wear. 
MAT	She's good. Oh she's got two bonus points. Rob, LIZ?
ROB	Lymphoma. 
MAT	Good. M, Simon?
SIMON	Multiple sclerosis. 
MAT	N, Liz?
LIZ	Narcolepsy. 
MAT	O, Rob? There's an awful hiatus. I'm going to start this again.
ROB	Optician. Ophthalmologist?  Eye problems.
MAT	I'm going to start this again for anything purposes now. O, Rob?
ROB	Ophthalmologist. 
MAT	What actually is one of those and how is it disabled? 
ROB	It's do with eye treatments, if you have poorly eyes you go to the Opt whatshernick? What are they called?
MAT	I might have to take half a point away, sorry. P, Simon, P?
SIMON	Penis extension. 
MAT	Is that a disability? 
SIMON	I don't know but I keep getting told I can have it cured. 
MAT	Q, a Q, Rob. 
ROB	Q?
MAT	Going back the other way now, Liz. 
ROB	Quantitative easing of disability payments. 
LIZ	Ooh now I like that. 
MAT	That was a good one because it... 
LIZ	Clever!
MAT	... was wordy and clever despite the fact that you've been up for 36 hours. Well done. Liz, R.
LIZ	Rickets. 
MAT	Ricketts, that's a great one. 
LIZ	Thank you.
MAT	An old fashioned one. Can we have more Edwardian impairments please? S, Simon?
SIMON	Spasie, spastic I'm afraid. 
ROB	Oh can I go the Victorian one? 
LIZ	Yes. 
ROB	Shingles. 
LIZ	Can I do one?
MAT	Very good. 
LIZ	Scurvy. 
MAT	All right enough of the Victorian impairments all right?
ROB	Septicaemia? 
MAT	There's so many. All right stop. T, Liz, T?
LIZ	Tetraplegic. 
MAT	Okay that's very good. U, Rob, U?
ROB	Urinary infection? 
MAT	Nice. Well depends really doesn't it, Simon? 
SIMON	Well not to have it.
MAT	V. Simon Minty V.
SIMON	I'm concentrating. What about varicose veins? Varicose veins?
MAT	Going to W, Liz? 
ROB	Water on the...
LIZ	Water on the brain?
MAT	We're rounding into the last three now. X, Rob, X?
ROB	Well do I have to say x-ray? You would probably have an x-ray at some point in your disability life wouldn't you?
MAT	I'll let you off with that, it's a little weak but I'll let you off. Y, Simon Y?
SIMON	Exactly. Why? 
MAT	Why?
SIMON	Yellow Fever. 
MAT	Very good. 
SIMON	Thanks very much. 
MAT	Yes it's an international disability and we like those. 
SIMON	Exactly. 
MAT	And finally, Liz, the last one goes to you Z or Zee as they'd say in America.
LIZ	Zimmer frames. 
MAT	Very good. 
LIZ	Thank you. 
MAT	I have to say you're all wonderful. I laughed at the introduction of old fashioned impairments that was very impressive. But considering two extra points were taken I'm going to have to, although it might seem a little biased to the listeners, give it to my co-presenter, Miss Elizabeth Carr. Oh Mrs Elizabeth Carr. 
LIZ	Thank you. 
MAT	Good game. Good game. 
LIZ	It was great fun. What's next? 
[We Wish You A Merry Christmas] 
It's time for our main course and other than the little baby Jesus who else would you say is the centre piece of our midwinter festival? No it's Father Christmas and he's on the line. Father Christmas?
TOM	Hello there, Liz. Ho, ho, ho everybody, boys and girls I'm here with you today. 
LIZ	Oh happy Christmas. Thank you for taking the time to talk for us. It's your busiest time of year. 
TOM	Oh it's very busy the World Elf Organisation ho, ho, ho and there's loads of snow, it's terrible it could almost be England. 
LIZ	I believe that you're calling from Switzerland is that right?
TOM	Yes, yes that's where the World Health Organisation is, or rather I should say World Elf Organisation. 
LIZ	Oh you are funny. 
MAT	I get it. 
TOM	Problems with our elves, they're all on strike this year!
LIZ	No why? 
TOM	Well I don't know it might be something to do with the fact that I've frozen their benefits. 
LIZ	Why aren't you up at the North Pole or Lapland I thought you'd be there? 
TOM	Well have you all not heard - global warming it's terrible. I'm telling Rudolph and the other boys we're going to have to replace them with dolphins next year. 
MAT	You will never replace Rudolph... 
LIZ	Never.
MAT	... my favourite and only disabled reindeer, long may you ride him. 
TOM	Well I may have to pull him out to ice I must say. 
LIZ	Well Father Christmas? 
TOM	Yes. 
LIZ	Can I... we've got some people who'd love to talk to you okay?
TOM	Fantastic. You haven't got any little children for me have you? 
LIZ	I have. Callum, are you there, Callum? 
CALLUM	Yeah. 
LIZ	Hi, Callum! 
CALLUM	Hi. 
LIZ	Would you like to talk to Father Christmas? 
CALLUM	Yeah. 
LIZ	Okay. Well you can ask him any question you'd like. Father Christmas, this is Callum. 
TOM	I think I'd better ask Callum a question first. Callum, Callum now have you been a good boy? 
CALLUM	Yeah. 
TOM	You've been very good all year?
CALLUM	What? Yeah. 
TOM	I hope you have. Now, Callum, what would you like Santa Claus to bring you this Christmas? 
CALLUM	Can I have a book?
TOM	Oh very good, Callum, a book. Any book, any book at all? What about the Yellow Pages would you like that? 
CALLUM	Uh? The Hen. 
TOM	Oh no problem about that, I've got loads of copies of that still left, we can get you one of those, no problem at all. Anything else you'd like? A game person perhaps? A gameboy I think that's what they're called, or a game help?
CALLUM	Pardon? 
TOM	Oh I can bring you anything you like, Callum, just write it on a list, write it on a list perhaps leave it with your mother or your father, I'll pick it up and I'll do what I can. 
MAT	Callum, have you got a question that you'd like to ask Father Christmas? 
CALLUM	What? How many reindeer have you got? 
TOM	Oh well I've had a few problems with my reindeer this year but basically I've got eight. 
CALLUM	Eight reindeers?
TOM	But seven of them are... 
CALLUM	Mum, he's got eight reindeer.
TOM	I've got eight yes. 
LIZ	Oh Father Christmas.
TOM	Yes, yes Liz.
LIZ	Can you name all eight of your reindeer?
MAT	Yeah. 
TOM	I wouldn't like to take too much time up and we've had some changes in the names but of course there's Rudolph, there's Donder and Blitzen and all the others and very lovely reindeer they are too. 
LIZ	Have you got an assistance reindeer, Father Christmas? 
TOM	I've got a personal assistance reindeer yes. She has to get me up in the morning you see, I'm very, very lazy and very fat in fact, enor--... Callum, Callum have you got a chimney? 
CALLUM	Chimney? 
TOM	I'm not coming down any chimneys anymore I'm a bit too fat, you see, I've been eating too many mince pies and lasagne ho, ho, ho and I get a bit claustrophobic coming down chimneys these days. In fact I got stuck in Godalming last year so I'm not doing it ever again, no I'm coming in through the front door. But I'll knock first. 
MAT	Can't you just send one of the elves down, Father Christmas? Surely they'd fit wouldn't they? 
LIZ	They're smaller aren't they? 
TOM	They're on strike, they won't do it. There's something about, you know, I don't know child workers or something like that, some nonsense about things... I don't know.
LIZ	Well Father Christmas I think it's probably bedtime at Callum's house but Callum. 
CALLUM	It's bedtime. 
LIZ	Callum, thank you so much. 
TOM	Goodnight Callum, and you sleep well and still believing in Christmas. 
CALLUM	Thank you! 
TOM	Still believing in Santa that's what I like to see. Good for you. 
LIZ	Callum, would you like to wish Father Christmas, a merry Christmas? 
CALLUM	A Merry Christmas!
TOM	A Merry Christmas to you too. 
MAT	A Merry Christmas to all the little children everywhere. 
LIZ	What is your favourite... what would you like people to leave for you when you pop around to drop off their presents then, Father Christmas? 
TOM	I like a satsuma. 
LIZ	You're health conscious? 
TOM	Oh very health conscious ho, ho, ho.
MAT	But Santa... 
TOM	Yes. 
MAT	Sorry while we're having our banter with Santa. 
TOM	Oh banter with Santa that's very good. As I say you put the rap into wrapping paper ho, ho, ho. 
LIZ	Santa, so what is in your sack this Christmas? 
TOM	In my sack there's books for good little boys like Callum. There's lots of things; batteries, there's baubles to put on your tree. I'm sure you'd like some baubles on your tree, Liz.
LIZ	Oh yes. 
TOM	I like to put the ching in...
LIZ	Those days are gone to be honest Father Christmas. 
MAT	We have to pause. 
LIZ	I want to sit on your knee. Is that wrong? 
MAT	Did you hear me, Liz. 
LIZ	So I think now we've got somebody else on the line. It's Kirit, is that right? Kirit?
KIRIT	Yeah. 
LIZ	Hello, Kirit. 
TOM	Hello Kirit how are you? 
MAT	It's Father Christmas, Kirit.
KIRIT	I'm fine. 
SANTA	Oh I'm very pleased to hear that, Kirit, I'm so excited to talk to you. Now how is your mama, is your mama well? 
KIRIT	Yep. 
TOM	Excellent. Now I need you to tell me something because I have a sledged, I'm very, very excited about my sledge but I think you've got a special sledge, tell me about that. 
KIRIT	Well I think what about if we join both sleighs together then we can deliver the presents together? 
TOM	Oh that will be an excellent idea, Kirit what a wonderful idea. I could do with some extra help. But I was told that you and your mother go sledging in her wheelchair. Is that true? 
KIRIT	Yes. 
TOM	It sounds awfully fun. Do you could hitch a ride? 
KIRIT	Yep. 
TOM	I suppose it's good going down a slope but it's not very good going up the slope is it? 
KIRIT	Yeah. 
TOM	Well I've got reindeer you see, Kirit, and I could bring my reindeer, we could hitch them to the front of your mother's wheelchair, we could just jolly well push up to the top again. 
LIZ	Kirit, what would you like for Christmas? 
KIRIT	A santa suit. A new DVD.
LIZ	Okay. 
KIRIT	And... 
TOM	You don't want much do you? 
KIRIT	And a Christmas cake. 
TOM	Oh Christmas cake I love Christmas cake. 
MAT	I love Christmas cake. Can I have some of it, Kirit, if you get some?
KIRIT	Yeah. 
MAT	Thanks. 
TOM	Now, Kirit, tell me one more thing... 
KIRIT	And mummy's going to come to my nativity play. 
TOM	I've been told about this nativity play but I'm very curious, Kirit, I want to know which role you're playing. Are you the hedgehog? 
KIRIT	No. I'm...
TOM	Are you the platypus? 
KIRIT	What? 
TOM	What role are you?
KIRIT	I'm going to be a King in the Christmas play. 
TOM	Oh you're a king, King Kirit, that's fantastic news. 
ISABELLE	That's what you name means King, Kirit means King. 
TOM	Oh Kirit means King King.
KIRIT	My name means King as well. 
TOM	You're King King.
MAT	Hi Kirit's mum. 
TOM	Maybe you could marry a queen and you could have lots of princes and princesses, we've got a few of those haven't we? 
KIRIT	Yep. 
LIZ	Kirit, we're going to have to let Father Christmas go because he's very busy. So would you like to say... 
TOM	I've enjoyed talking to Kirit.
LIZ	I know but you've got so much work to do it's Christmas. 
MAT	And plus it's very, it's pretty late in the evening for somebody like Kirit to still be up. 
TOM	That's very true. And there are three hundred million disabled children out there I've got to speak to them all tonight. 
LIZ	Oh my goodness. 
MAT	You'd better get on with it then Santa. So perhaps you'd like to say goodbye to Santa, Kirit, and Santa can say goodbye to you. 
KIRIT	Bye, Santa. 
TOM	Bye, Kirit, be good. Bye Isabelle, be careful on that chair now. 
ISABELLE	Bye. 
LIZ	Have a good Christmas. 
MAT	Bye, bye Isabelle and Kirit. And bye Santa. Bye. 
TOM	Happy Christmas everybody. Happy Christmas.
LIZ	Happy Christmas. 
TOM	Happy Christmas.
[Oh We Three Kings]
MAT	Oh I'm feeling quite full after my main course, Liz, but I think I could fit in a ridiculously elaborate and over the top pudding, what do we have Liz?
LIZ	Ladies and gentlemen, soon we'll be playing you out with a rendition of 'In the Bleak Midwinter' sung beautifully by Victoria Oruwari. You know what she's blind, it's okay. I have to say that because otherwise the listeners might know, you know. 
MAT	Okay. 
LIZ	But before that it's a serious treat - you may have heard of Tiny Tim, the little cripple boy from Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol', well have you ever wondered what happened to him after Scrooge turned good and heaped riches on the poor surprised Cratchit family, it's over to the ghost of Charles Dickens to tell us in our play 'A Christmas Respite'. 
[Bells chiming]
SIMON	They say I helped the world rediscover Christmas with my simple morality story in 1843. 'A Christmas Carol' told of how the cold heart of Ebenezer Scrooge was melted by the spirits of the season. But there was only one truly good soul in my tale that of the poor cripple boy Tiny Tim Cratchit. On this Christmas of 2010 the Ouch players have an even sorrier story to tell. Tiny Tim and his goodness and his self patronage have all disappeared and been replaced by something altogether more bitter. 
[Singing: God Rest You Merry Gentlemen]
A penny in my pot for the poor this eve of Christmas, Mr Cratchit Junior Sir?
LIZ	Bah humbug be off with you.
MAT	Oh we'll have none of that, give the nice man a coin and let him on his way.
SIMON	Thank you gentlemen. [door closing]
LIZ	Ebenezer, I wish you'd stop undermining me. Since you became my carer after all that Christmas goodwill malarkey a few years back you've become insufferable. 
MAT	How can you be so heartless, Tiny Tim, I gave up my accounting shop to look after you fulltime. 
LIZ	I really wish you hadn't.
MAT	I had no choice. The ghost of Christmas Present showed me that my miserliness could lead to a bad end for you. 
LIZ	The ghost of what?
MAT	I've told you before, this dream thing happened to me. And he was the second of the ghosts to visit after the clock chimed twelve and he said he foresaw an empty seat in the chimney corner and a crutch without an owner. I think he was trying to tell me you may not have lived to see another Christmas if you'd remained in such poverty. 
LIZ	So let me just get this right in my head - I would have died if you'd stayed bad, right?
MAT	Yes that's right. 
LIZ	You've got quite an ego haven't you? 
MAT	Tiny Tim I couldn't let that happen to you. 
LIZ	My dad thinks you were lying about all that. 
MAT	Lying?
LIZ	He reckons you were getting lonely in your old age and wanted a family to adopt you. 
MAT	Bob said that? 
LIZ	He did. 
MAT	But I've brought nothing but goodness to you, your dad and your mother ever since. 
LIZ	Oh and we're all getting sick of turkey. It was nice on that one day yeah 'weirdo Scrooge flip day' as mum calls it but getting the butcher to deliver us a new giant bird every lunchtime, well to be truthful, it's made us all sick to death of everything that Christmas used to hold. 
MAT	No! Not sick of Christmas I don't want to hear it. 
LIZ	It's true. We-are-all-sick-to-absolute-death-of-Christmas. 
MAT	Here let me wipe the sputum from your mouth. There all better now little man. Do you need to do poo poos?
LIZ	Forgive me for saying this, I know you've turned from bad to good, I know you now embody kindness, compassion, charity and benevolence, I know you had one god almighty shock to the system a few Christmases ago but you're driving me INSENSIBLE!
ROB	[door opening] Why hello, what is this cursed row? 
MAT	Oh it's nothing, Bob. Tiny Tim is just having a cripple bitterness moment, you know how they get. I can forgive him. 
LIZ	Dad, Ebenezer keeps going on about the ghosts. 
ROB	Now, now, Ebenezer, we've spoken about this before please stop scaring Timmy with all this past, present and future stuff or we'll be having to contact Bedlam to have you banished from circulation. 
LIZ	And it's bedlam down there in Bedlam. 
MAT	[crying] Oh. I know the carer and cared for relationship can be difficult Bob, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult looking after your son. 
LIZ	Why can't I have a nice young lady to look after me? All my other little crippled pals have comely young lady care wenches and fall asleep each night with dreams of accidentally rubbing against their rude bits, not about blinking ghosties. 
ROB	Timmy is not so pleasant as he might be. I'm aware of his recent alteration, Mr Scrooge, but perhaps now is the moment to mention that we're thinking of letting you go. 
MAT	[gasps] Letting me go!
ROB	I'm afraid so. 
MAT	But it's the night before Christmas. You can't leave me alone tonight of all nights, you know it holds bad memories for me. 
ROB	Yeah and that's another thing - Mrs Cratchit, Timmy and I are quite disturbed that you creep into our bed every Christmas Eve. 
LIZ	"Ooh the ghosts are going to get me, please oh please let me under your covers or I might wet myself."
MAT	Enough. Okay, okay I shall be gone. Goodbye everybody. [Walking away] Goodbye now. Merry Christmas to you all. Goodbye. I don't have to go. I'm going. Goodbye Timmy. 
LIZ	Goodbye Ebenezer Scrooge, have a Merry Christmas on the streets - we're all off to Orlando it's much warmer there. God bless us every one. 
SIMON	And here ends our play. The twisted bitterness of a small crippled child destined to amount to very little in Victorian Britain pushes an old man out on the streets at the most loving and giving time of the year. Gentle listener, be nice to your dearest ones, your colleagues, your friends, the stranger who you give a nod to, and be sure to leave a Christmas box for your carer. They don't get a day off on the holiest and most peaceful day of the year or something.
[In the Bleak Midwinter]
MAT	Hm especially poignant listeners because outside as we record this it literally is a snow blizzard and very, very Christmassy. That is the end of our Christmas lunch show. Thanks to Rob Crossan, Simon Minty, Tom Shakespeare.
LIZ	Ho, ho, ho.
MAT	The kids, Lady Allen Playground, Victoria Oruwari and the production team: Damon Rose, Emma Tracey, Dan Slipper and Tony Baker. 
LIZ	We'll be back between Christmas and New Year for a look back on 2010 and a look forward to all things disability in 2011 in the company of ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ disability affairs correspondent, Peter White, and former paralympian, Baroness Tanni Grey Thompson, don't miss it. Maybe you can listen to it on the new MP3 player you got for Christmas. 
MAT	Then we'll be back again in the New Year around the 12th of January. Until then, goodbye. 
LIZ AND MAT	And Merry Christmas everyone. 
[In the Bleak Midwinter]