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So as a gift to you, my fellow crips, I've conducted a scientific experiment into the most efficient ways of travelling as a mobility impaired person, using the unforgiving streets of central London as my test track. There has to be an easier way than tackling the city on foot, right?

Walking

Instructions:
Put one leg in front of the other. Repeat as necessary. Try not to fall over. Oh, I don't know what you're supposed to do, since walking has never been my forté.

Cost:
Free, as long as you have your own legs.

[Note: If you are prone to falling over, there may be an additional cost to your dignity.]

Equipment:
No essential equipment.

Optional: crutches, white cane, zimmer frame, etc. My personal preference is a walking stick held in the right hand.

Method:
I battle my way down a wet London street, using my walking stick more as a weapon than a mobility aid. Sometimes I walk through muddy puddles to avoid the crowds of human beings. They walk into me anyway. After approximately ten minutes of this, I stop and demand a cup of coffee.

Verdict:
2/10 - And that's only because I got a good look at the new Top Shop collection as I ambled past their window.

Bus

Instructions:
Wait at bus stop. Get on bus. Pay fare. Sit down. Ring bell. Get off bus.

Cost:
My journey set me back 90 pence for a single trip of half a mile. Costs vary throughout the UK. Some local authorities will give you a free pass if you are appropriately crippled.

Equipment:
One bus, ideally single decker with many seats.

Desirable: a visible disability and a pathetic expression - these increase your chances of a fellow passenger surrendering one of those precious priority seats.

Method:
There's no bench at the bus stop, so I lean against a nearby lamppost. I have backache by the time the bus arrives, then have to sprint to an empty seat before anyone puts their shopping down on it.

I sit behind two young men. One turns to the other and says, "The problem with this country, it's the Muslims."

I decide to get off at the next stop. The driver pulls away before I have fully disembarked.

Verdict:
4/10 - Buses would be great if it wasn't for the surly drivers and the frankly terrifying fellow passengers.

Taxi

Instructions:
Stand on pavement next to road. Wait for vacant taxi to pass. Hold out arm. Speak to driver. Climb in taxi. Enjoy the view. Pay the driver. Climb out of taxi..

Cost:
This mile-long journey through central London during the Friday night rush hour cost me £7. Again, your local authority may subsidise the price if you are disabled enough.

Equipment:
One accessible car. A driver who can read maps.

Method:
After half an hour standing on the pavement in two different locations, being ignored or having my taxi stolen by speedy non-disabled people, a taxi finally stops. I tell the driver where we are going and he pulls away grumpily.

Apparently I have been standing on "the wrong side of the road". I am surprised. I cannot be the only person to have ever got in his taxi who does not know their way round central London. I also have desperately impoverished spatial awareness due to my cerebral palsy, and would not know my North, South, East and West if you tattooed a compass onto my forehead while force-feeding me an A-Z of the British Isles.

After some time, we stop somewhere unfamiliar. "It's all right if we stop here, isn't it?" he asks. "I was on my way home when I picked you up because I thought you'd be going my way, and now I have to turn around. The place you want is just over there."

He waves in the general direction of a vaguely familiar looking building. I pay him an obscene amount of money and climb out of the cab, realising that I am still a few minutes walk from my destination. I think that's what's called being ripped off.

Verdict:
3/10 - It's pot luck, really. When you hail a taxi quickly and the driver is friendly and helpful, taxis are an easy 8/10.

Rickshaw

Instructions:
In the UK, visit a city which thinks it's cool and happening and environmentally friendly. There you will find groups of young men and women in shorts, riding tricycles with room for passengers to sit on the back. Mine says that his rickshaw will hold three people, although my companion and I couldn't work out where the third person was supposed to sit.

Cost:
This half-mile journey cost £10.

Equipment:
1 x rickshaw. 1 x driver [ideally with a nice bum, as you will be staring at it for the entire journey].

Method:
I had to negotiate a reasonably high step, but it was no more complicated than getting on a bus. The ride was dry and warm: the rickshaw had a cover not unlike the one that gets pulled over a baby's buggy when it's raining.

We also felt extremely safe, even when being overtaken by large bendy buses. The rickshaw is equipped with seat belts, too.

In all, a very pleasant experience - but do note that riding over uneven surfaces is a bit like sitting on a washing machine. No less comfortable than going over cobbles in a wheelchair, though.

Verdict:
7/10 - True, it is expensive. I'm trying to work out how much it would cost pro rata if I bought my own rickshaw and hired my own tight-buttocked chauffeur where necessary.

Segway

Instructions:
A Segway is a two-wheeled electronic balancing device which stays upright thanks to carefully programmed computers and motors. It's basically an electric scooter but much, much cleverer.

Stand upright with your feet apart - although getting on and off can be tricky for those with slow reaction times because the machine moves backwards once you've got one leg up. This led to me nearly running over my other foot on several occasions.

You then steer the Segway by leaning in and out depending on where you want to go, and sticking your bum out if you want to stop.

Cost:
Um, you'll cry if I tell you. A decent wheelchair is much cheaper. But maybe we'll be able to get them on Motability one day.

Equipment:
1 x Segway. American aficionados have started manufacturing add-ons such as a seat, basket ... you name it. So you can customise it according to your preferences.

Remarks:
For various bureaucratic reasons, it's currently against the law to use a Segway on public land in the UK,, but is legal in many other parts of the world. Negotiations with the Department for Transport continue. In the meantime, I had to try mine out in the back room of an inventions exhibition.

Method:
The Segway involves both standing and steering - two things at which I am not skilled. Apparently, it takes most people less than ten minutes to learn. It definitely took me a lot longer than that. However, once I'd found a position in which it was comfortable for me to stand, I was well away and could go at some speed.

The Segway responds to the movements of your body, but since mine moves in a non-standard way, it took some time to work out what I needed to do to persuade it to go in the direction I wanted and master little things like stopping and turning corners. I suspect every disabled person will have a slightly different technique. My instructor told me that a full-time wheelchair user who has movement of the upper body but no leg mobility has previously managed to use one.

You can't put your weight through the steering column except to determine the direction of the vehicle, so those who absolutely must use sticks for balance may well struggle. Apparently you can buy a seat as an add-on, though this isn't an official Segway product.

The Segway is so clever that it can predict when you're about to stop, and will quickly do so. As a result, accidents are very rare - although both President and ex-newspaper editor have managed to crash. So clearly they are not entirely idiot proof.

Segways won't suit everyone, but they do seem to be able to accommodate a variety of physical weirdness. CP makes my body tense up in unfamiliar situations, but once I got used to the sensations and my muscles relaxed, it all became much easier.

Verdict:
8/10 - For those who are frustrated by the low level of wheelchairs and scooters, and who are able to balance but not walk, the Segway could be a great solution. If you want to use one, make yourself a 'Legalise Segway' placard and get your arse down to the Department for Transport. Oh, and then win the lottery.