³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

Those guide dog owners who bring discrimination cases against small businesses and restaurateurs in the county courts for denying them access to their shops and restaurants are wasting their time. Instead of suing high street shops and local curry houses for the sake of a few hundred pounds and the right to shop or eat in a place where you're not welcome, start thinking big and concentrate on big businesses and multi-national companies. There are richer pickings to be made there.

The piece that convinced me concerned a dozen Scottish alcoholics who plan to sue drinks makers for failing to warn them about the dangers of alcohol addiction. They claim that alcohol has adversely affected their quality of life by triggering health problems, job losses and relationship breakdowns. The case would be the first of its kind in Britain and, according to solicitors representing the group, will use similar arguments to those used by thousands of lung cancer sufferers in America who have won billions of dollars in compensation from tobacco companies.

In this age of petty litigation - when people are unprepared to take responsibility for their lives, and blame booze and cigarette manufacturers and burger chains when they drink and smoke excessively and suck down too many quarter pounders - I'm amazed that we haven't witnessed any cases brought by blind people seeking to cash in on this madness.

I reckon tobacco firms are the best bet in the money-making stakes for blind chancers, mainly because they've been sued for millions by smokers already and would be an easy target. I'm sure the day will come when a bunch of gravely ill blind chancers shamble into court, coughing and spluttering, to plead that they're facing a slow and painful premature death not because they puff on forty fags a day, but because they can't see the health warnings emblazoned on cigarette packets saying "SMOKING KILLS".

I suspect that the judge would rule in their favour on the grounds that by failing to make the warnings on their packets accessible, tobacco companies were not warning blind people about the health risks of lighting up. The chancers would be awarded millions of pounds in compensation, which they'd probably use to fund their habit. Meanwhile, the tobacco industry would be left reeling from defeat in the courts, anxious to avoid any more cases taken out against it in the future.

This anxiety would open up another avenue for blind people seeking to make a fast buck courtesy of the tobacco industry. Around eighty percent of blind people in the UK who are fit to work are actually unemployed; some of them could offer their time to tobacco companies to advise on ways to make cigarette packets accessible to people who are unable to see bold black health warnings. I've got a couple of ideas that I'm happy to pass on to budding advisors for free (but I might demand a commission if I ever find myself in a situation where I can't afford to buy cigarettes every few days).

Packets could display Braille warnings. As well as the standard ones screaming about the risks of cancer, infertility and heart disease, hard-hitting slogans specifically for Braille readers could be printed on packs. They could say things such as:

"YOU'RE BLIND BUT NOT DEAD - YET".

Or maybe:

"THIS WHITE STICK WILL KILL YOU. YOUR FOLDING ONE WON'T".

My other idea would see cigarette packs fitted with sound chips for people who don't read Braille. When opened, a synthesised voice would shrill about the risks of heart disease and having a stroke. Or how about the sound of someone in the advanced stages of lung cancer, hacking and coughing, followed by the forlorn whimper of a pining dog? That would pack a powerful punch with any guide dog owners who smoke and love their dog, wouldn't it?

Us blindies are onto a winner, aren't we? I think so, anyway. But if any cigarette companies read this and decide to put Braille and talking health warnings on their packs before they're taken to court by some litigious blind people, I'll be waiting for my ten years' worth of free fags in return for the tip off. That's my warning.