YER TYPICAL ULSTER MAN
By John McMenamin
Why is it that the men are slow
Going to the Singles Night?
Perhaps, they're not romantic
No, I don't think that is right.
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Are all men shy? Yes, I think they're shy
Cause I feel the same way too
It's hard to go up to a girl
And say, "I fancy you".
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I met a girl, a nice wee girl
She smiled and said, "Hello".
I stood there like Herman Munster
With both arms hanging low.
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I felt a fool. God, I felt a fool
When she said, "My names Elaine".
Why did I have to gulder out
"Dis it do damn all but rain?"
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I can smell my fear, I can smell my fear
God, she'll think I have BO.
Then, looking down, I see I've got
Some dog turd on my toe.
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My face got red. God, it got wild red
It looked like a traffic light
And I stammer, like a woodpecker
Pecking at a tree at night.
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A wave of sweat, runs off my back
Like the wild Atlantic Sea
It trickles through my crevices
And gathers, round my knee.
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I feel a fool, God I feel a fool
And my collar is too tight
Is my zip undone?-IS MY ZIP UNDONE?
God, that gave me some fright.
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When it comes to girls. When it comes to girls
They must think I come from Mars
How is it, I can talk all day
To strange men, in smoky bars?
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My shirts all wet, God my shirts all wet
And it鈥檚 sticking to my skin
And my bellies, hanging over my belt
God, I wish that I was thin.
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I fancy her. God I fancy her
She鈥檚 so soft and sweet and nice
She smells of roses in the dawn
And I smell of鈥擮ld Spice.
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Then she says to me. Yes she says to me
Would you like to have a dance?
My left leg turns to jelly
And starts to shake inside my pants.
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I try to dance. God I try to dance
As we glide around the floor
I tread on her toes, but she鈥檚 very polite
Just a little squeal and not a roar.
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Then she says to me. Yes she says to me
What is it that you do?
Why can鈥檛 I lie like other men
As I shout, 鈥淚鈥檓 on the Brue鈥.
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Then she slaps my face. Yes she slaps my face
God, I don鈥檛 know why I bother
Just because I whispered in her ear
Do you fancy-you know-how鈥檚 your father?
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I go home alone, yes I go home alone
And I curse my wretched life
As I throw my clothes down on the floor
And climb in, beside - the wife.
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