LOVE HURTS or "BIG NELLIE"
by John McMenamin
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Big Nellie was a spinster
And worked hard on her farm
She had blue veins on her big fat legs
And tattoe's on her arm.
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She was well known to the farmers
Who gathered at the mart
They'd often seen Big Nellie
Lift a bullock off a cart.
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She was strong as a navvy
And smoked a big cigar
Drank porter by the bucket full
As she stood there at the bar.
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She never washed, or combed her hair
And smelt of farm manure
She'd sit and growl "I'll see you boys"
Then stagger to the door.
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Big Nellie never socialised
She was never at a dance
You'd find her talking to her cows
In a pair of army pants.
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And then one day, Big Nellie changed
The news flew round the mart
Big Nellie had been punctured
By cupids little dart.
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Paddy Reilly was the man
Who melted Nellies heart
He was dashing, he was handsome
And he drove a horse and cart.
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Big Nellie took to the make-up
Like a pig will take to muck
Lip-stick, powder, even soap
To try and chatch the buck
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She splashed it on like white-wash
Her eyes were full of tears
And everytime Big Nellie smiled
She got lipstick on her ears.
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Then Nellie bought a mini-shirt
Wee Paddy for to tease
But she still wore big red bloomers
Which came down to her knees
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She painted on mascara
But she didn't have the knack
One eye, it was sapphire blue
And, the other it was black.
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She even tried to clean her teeth
I saw her by the door
It didn't take her very long
She only had the four.
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Then Nellie bought a wonder bra
And crammed the whole lot in
Pulled and heaved, until her chest
Was underneath her chin.
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She didn't have no earrings
Ah such a sight to see
Wearing two bright golden balls
From a Christmas tree
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Her hair was long and matted
With a patch or two of mange
But she tried to put a curl in it
With a poker from the range.
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She didn't have any jewellery
Cursed and cried, "Ah heck"
The set off to look for Paddy
With the dogs chain round her neck.
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When Paddy saw her coming
He went weak at the knees
I've drank too much tonight thought Paddy
And got the auld DT's.
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Big Nellie leapt on Paddy
And pinned him to the ground
Her wonder bra exploded
And she spread out all around.
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"Take me boy" growled Nellie
"And wed me in a church.
Or I snap your back, just like a twig
If you leave me in the lurch."
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Poor Paddy, he was in a daze
He face was turning blue
If he didn't give in, he was going to die
So he weakly called, "I Do".
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And so the two were married
Big Nellie, she wore white
And I hate to think of Paddies fate
Later on that night.
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So girl, if you want a man
Forget your feminine arts
Jump on the bugger, like a wolf
That's the way to win their hearts.
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And men you have two choices
You can always run away
Or dress up in a bright pink suit
And let on that you're--gay.
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