A Fish Supper and
Two Thongs Please
by JP McMenamin
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There鈥檚 a sex shop where my chip shop used
to be
What am I going to get now for my tea?
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No one ever told me
The chips had been replaced
By knickers made from PVC
And basques so tightly laced.
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A rubber man stands proudly
Just inside the door
And a G-string hangs seductively
Where it鈥檚 never come before.
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The coke machine has been replaced
And the fridge that held ice-cream
By handcuffs, whips and other things
Guaranteed to make you scream.
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I staggered to the counter
I鈥檇 been all day in the pub
Just one though was in my mind
I had to get some grub.
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I asked for a battered sausage
The girl, shrieked in alarm
鈥淚鈥檓 afraid we don鈥檛 do that here Sir
It could cause long term harm.鈥
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Her eyes were big as saucers
When I asked for mushy peas
She fell against a rubber doll
That was aptly called, 鈥楳iss Tease鈥.
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鈥淗ave you anything to eat?鈥 I slurred
Giving her a drunken stare
鈥淲e have some thongs鈥 the young girl said
鈥淭hat taste of orchard pear.鈥
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鈥淲e stock a range of G-strings
That taste of summer fruits鈥
I stood there with a silly grin
That鈥檚 usually seen on newts.
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鈥淗ave you any cod?鈥 I hollered
I鈥檒l admit I am obese
And soon round my under-carriage
I wore a red cod-piece.
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I fell against the counter
A small box fell on the floor
鈥淵ou鈥檒l have to buy that鈥 said the girl
鈥溾機ause now it is shop wore.鈥
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I handed over twenty pounds
Muttering, 鈥淏loody hell鈥
She handed me a battery
Made by dru-eh sell
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I don鈥檛 know what the yoke is for
It鈥檚 cigar shaped, and quite wee.
I use the yoke each morning
To stir the sugar in my tea.
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I bought a doll called Mandy
And some nights we will dance
If I hold Mandy tightly
She gets fierce flat-u-lance.
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She is my new companion
I take her everywhere
She never asks for anything
All she needs is air.
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I鈥檓 in the shop quite often
Dressed in my dirty mac
A perverted smile upon my face
And a hump upon my back.
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I found a magazine called JUGS
I gave a crafty peek
It was full of jugs, but dam a wan
Had ever seen Belleek.
听
There鈥檚 a sex shop where my chip shop used
to be
And each night I have crumpet for my tea.
鈥淲ould you go into a sex shop Ian?鈥, 鈥淣EVER-NEVER-
well, maybe.鈥
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