成人快手

Just when it looked like zombies were cool again, this truly pointless adaptation of the plot-lite House Of The Dead videogame threatens to send them back to the undertakers. A group of fresh-faced kids (led by Jonathan Cherry) find themselves stuck on a deserted island and pursued by fleet-footed zombies after an illegal party brings corpses back from the grave. It's inept, inane and it sucks like an airplane toilet. It's bad enough to make Resident Evil: Apocalypse look like Night Of The Living Dead.

Arriving on the island for a rave (sponsored by videogame creators Sega, no less), the kids quickly find themselves in all manner of trouble: the girls don't seem to be able to stop taking their clothes off, the boys don't seem to be able to stop talking rubbish, and the dead just won't stay dead. Harassed by acrobatic zombies and blaring techno music, the kids hole up in an abandoned house.

"ONE OF THE WORST ZOMBIE MOVIES EVER MADE"

Quite why anyone thought the energetic 1998 arcade game - in which players used light guns to blast on-screen zombies to gory chunks - would make a viable film property is a mystery. Certainly House Of The Dead has nothing to do with its pixelated counterpart other than sharing its title and intercutting random game footage into the action for no apparent reason. Perhaps it's a vain attempt to distract us from the complete dearth of entertainment on offer?

It's so bad it could well go down in history as one of the worst zombie movies ever made. Which, in a genre that's given us oven-ready turkeys like Plan 9 From Outer Space and Nudist Colony Of The Dead, is really saying something. The only terrifying thing about it is the knowledge that Boll has already signed on to make three more videogame adaptations: Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne and Far Cry. Somebody stop him. Please.