³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ

Funnily enough they got the balance of the team right this time, but the wrong people.

It's fast become an old chums' club that would be embarrassing enough if it were my local park team but in international colours it's a joke. Collingwood is shot right now. He may be a nice bloke and the others might have been gutted for him but hellfire seems a decent sort but I wouldn't back him to get 10 against the South Africans either!

They say form is temporary but class is permanent and class is exactly where Colly needs to go, permanently, if he thinks he can KP a ball from outside off-stump through midwicket. I mean I'm all for continuity but not if it means continuing being cack.

Keeping Ambrose in is n all. and he can't keep as well as Foster. At the crease he's got all the command of a kitten in a dog pound. Get shot of him.

As for the skipper well I like Vaughan but the way he's been getting and implying to everyone that the Notts Aussie had nowt to do with him is a bit shoddy. He's only there cos if you look down the alternatives you realise that the rest of 'em couldn't organise a filofax.

The only almost blameless ones are and . but as he's batting after Vaughan he might be even edgier than usual. In fact he might as well come down the steps with the skipper with a little fold-out stool and just wait a couple of minutes.

Strauss has turned into a weird piece of beach life that clings to the crease like a desperate barnacle and only occasionally pops his tentacles out to waft at some stray particles. Watching him accumulate a score is about as entertaining as watching sloths doing rhythmic gymnastics to a Dido soundtrack. I'd sack him n all but the old boys network'll probably keep him going.

I'm not pretending that the Saffers aren't a good unit although I'm not sure the bowlers are . Kallis looks like he saw a restaurant sign and thought it read 'All You Can Eat For a Five-For' before he turned up at Lord's. When he poached Cook at second slip the population of LA must have hunkered down for the after-shock. His trundling swingers ought not to be too bothering. but he should be fodder on this track.

Morkel's a different matter entirely but somehow our batters managed to keep him wicketless and give it away to the less good ones. I've already had enough of this raging banshee . The bloke bowls like a drunk falling into a pub. He's such a nutter he must do a double take every time he see the umpires in their white coats.

Still, I understand where Nel's coming from on the subject of alter egos; in the pavilion I'm but when I step out on to the playing surface I become (which should still get me in the team ahead of Colly).

The most worrying thing is that this South African team was not many days ago and since then learnt from it whereas our lads have one bad innings and then go out and repeat the feat! It's hard to avoid the conclusion that they're a bit thick.

Things need to change and quick. They need a replacement captain ready and raring to go cos if Vaughan's knee doesn't get him his terrible form will. I'd tell Cook to brush up on his Mike Brearley books right now. Next time they get into one of them little pre-session huddles perhaps they could bring a prayer mat with them. Plus they need to stop treating . Rather than call up Pattinson and then Harmison in his place why don't they just send some clowns round to his house to pour custard into his sunhat before jamming it on to his head.

Here's my XI for the fourth Test: Cook, Vaughan, Bell, Pietersen, Shah, Bopara, Flintoff, Foster, Sidebottom/Anderson, Jones, Panesar (with severe reservations about the captain opening but then you might as well get him over and done with straight away).
Of course, there's a chance that by the time you read this Siders, Jimmy and Fred will have swung England right back into contention. There's also a chance that Middlesbrough will have made a decent bleeding signing. And that Peter Andre will be announced as the new Poet Laureate.