Let the Healing Begin
is, as you know, my slogan for my campaign to become the next Chairman, or if you prefer, Chair of the 成人快手.
Over the coming weeks I will be fleshing out (stealing from other people) the very best ideas for the future of this august corporation.
I am now ready to announce, in reverse alphabetical order, three random proposals.
1: Revive some of the 成人快手's best-loved classics with new presenters. "Civilisation" with Robert Mugabe. "The Black and White Minstrel Show" with Robert Mugabe and another presenter, TBC. Film 76, with Barry Norman.
2: Begin to shift the balance between 成人快手 News and Weather. People love the weather forecast but find the news depressing, despite the forecast being more depressing than the news. propose that, for example, PM becomes 57 minutes of weather news and analysis, followed by a brief 90 second summary of the news, followed by a trail for a programme offering deep analysis of the weather tonight at 8.
3: Apply a policy of taking radios away from the stupid people. Take this comment telephoned in about Friday's PM. I have not made it up:
"Felt that Eddie Mair made offensive comments about Manchester. "Eddie Mair claimed that when Mancunians go to their new casino it will be the first time they have seen fruit. This was obviously a rude remark referring to the diet of people in Manchester.""
In fact, the comment was made by the lovely Sandi Toksvig on The News Quiz later on Friday evening - a comment I heard myself as I was being driven home in the 成人快手 Limo. I've been called many things in my time, and I bet Ms Toksvig has too. But to be confused with each other is too much. If I become Chairman, or Chair, if you will, prats like that caller will be hunted down and their radios taken away. They will be given instead, small white carrier bags full of old bread crumbs so they can feed the pigeons in the street, while mumbling their rubbish to themselves. Either that or I will appoint them to the 成人快手 Board of Management.
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Can I post today?
(Got Comment Submission Error)
So apparently not.
I say apparently because so often a 502 or a refusal don't seem to mean what they say.
Chairman Eddie (or Eddie Chair, if you prefer):
I would like to support your political programme in full. It shows an amazing breadth of intellect.
As to confusing you with Ms Toksvig, there can be no mistaking a Danish pastry for a Scottish huggis, surely?
I'd be careful with the pigeons - that could develop into a Tom Lehrer moment ...
These are fine words Eric, but they butter no parsnips.
Re the fruit comment: Are you sure they didn't mean to ring the Any Answers hotline? I wonder Jonathan Dimbleby doesn't put the phone down on some of the loonies who ring that number!
Am i still barred, or can I ask for an application form too?
Confusing Eddie with Sandi:
You know I hadn't thought about it before, but now that you mention it...
...except Sandi sounds taller.
Hmmmm I like your plans so far. What about a selfish version of You & Yours, called Me & Mine? Or there's the shellfish version, You & Your Crab...
Of course Mancunians have seen fruit. What else other than discarded banana skins could explain the instability of Cristiano Ronaldo?
... or even Me and My Crab (the selfish shellfish version). Or, how about the predictive news panel game Will I have News for You? or the amnesiac puzzler's show I'm sorry I had a Clue (but I've forgotten it), or the reflective news programme PM Past? Or the news roundup programme Yesterday Today and Tomorrow? (Incidentally, the latter could be a real money saver as it could be an amalgam of all the current news programmes under one, economical cover.
Hmmm. Like it.
1) May I offer a suggestion for Mr. Mugabe's assistant / sidekick on the Minstrel show? An admirable candidate who will fit the bill in every possible way.
Ladies and Gentlemen. Mr. Eugene Terreblanche.
2) If we can get SeaGreen reading the weather, perfect. Or perhaps alternating days with yourself Eddie. That'll give the ladies of the Blog something to look forward to every 48 hours.
3) The Mancunian t*ss*r probably made that call just after finishing his pie & chips, with a side helping of potato fritters, an extra portion of onion rings, two deep-fried spring rolls and a chicken vindaloo dessert.
Your description of him/her is amply justified. And Sandy's was spot on in the first place.
Si.
Jade would make a wonderful co-presenter of "The Black and White Minstrel Show". I can only imagine the friendly banter, jollity and mayhem that would ensue.
This from Jonnie who can't get through:
Mmmmm,
Interesting, I can't understand how you one could confuse the two voices.
As regards to Manchester, do they have supermarkets there I wonder.
We met a lovely Scottish lady abroad who got married at the resort called Linda. She had a little camcorder with her and played us back bits of the tape, remarking:- "I hope the idiot who's offered to edit this will do a good job"
On questioning her about the remark she said that the Editor friend had asked what she was eating one day (it was a melon). A while later he said he'd gone to the supermarket to buy one but it looked slightly different -- with leaves sticking out of the top -- It was a Pineapple.
Linda and said Editor friend were from Aberdeen though, not Manchester, however Sandi could have had a point ?
Does the 成人快手 have more than one limo?
Stewart M (12) - it will when I take over.
jonnie
What was the name of the Scottish lady who got married at the resort called Linda? :-)
Congradulations. .
Sorry to be pedantic, Pigeon Feeder, but crabs are crustaceans. The selfish shellfish version would be something like "Me and My Muscle".
Fifi? Fifi, what are you laughing at?
H.
Has the gremlin blocking my postings been fixed?
Interesting new career you're proposing for Robbie Mugabe - perhaps you could also launch a philosophy show hosted by Dubbya (he of the "I can see a future where humans and fish co-exist peacefully" and "More and more of our imports are coming from overseas" fame.)
On a more practical note, ask politicians to explain their policies in terms Ms. Goody can understand - this could be tested by asking her to paraphrase the policies and explain the differences between the parties.
Sport could be livened up by poaching John Whatsisname from Ch4 racing - and by explaining the betting odds for every sporting match, he could go a long way to repairing the Beeb's relationship with the government.
Or if you wanted to be controversial, you could hire Peter Snow to explain graphically why you're unlikely to make a profit by playing the lottery (and even less of a profit by playing the Euro game)...
-oOo-
Meanwhile, it appears that a feature has been enabled on the frog which is designed to cut down on the number of 'twins' (duplicate comment entries) - and the frogserver seems to be on a go-slow when submitting entries...
SB13 [which probably means I'll get an error], originally attempted to post at 13:51.
Edit: 13:58, surprise surprise, received a 502 after over 5 minutes trying. Let's try again...
14:04 - still trying...
Groundhog Issues Bleak Climate Report
WORLD NEWS
Major Problem Emerges in Bush Plan to Attack Iran: He can't pronounce either 鈥淢ahmoud鈥 or 鈥淎hmadinejad.鈥
Baghdad Submits Bid for 2016 Games
City already boasts gleaming new Olympic-sized swimming pool built by American taxpayers.
POLLS
13% of Americans Never Heard of Global Warming: Most of them work at White House.
xx
ed
P.S. Got a 502! AND a malicious message! Trying again, so apologies if this is a duplicate. may be part of the problem - Have your say on global warming has got well over 1000 comments...
Monday February 05, 2007 at 14:20:40 GMT
Interesting new career you're proposing for Robbie Mugabe - perhaps you could also launch a philosophy show hosted by Dubbya (he of the "I can see a future where humans and fish co-exist peacefully" and "More and more of our imports are coming from overseas" fame.)
On a more practical note, ask politicians to explain their policies in terms Ms. Goody can understand - this could be tested by asking her to paraphrase the policies and explain the differences between the parties.
Sport could be livened up by poaching John Whatsisname from Ch4 racing - and by explaining the betting odds for every sporting match, he could go a long way to repairing the Beeb's relationship with the government.
Or if you wanted to be controversial, you could hire Peter Snow to explain graphically why you're unlikely to make a profit by playing the lottery (and even less of a profit by playing the Euro game)...
-oOo-
Meanwhile, it appears that a feature has been enabled on the frog which is designed to cut down on the number of 'twins' (duplicate comment entries) - and the frogserver seems to be on a go-slow when submitting entries...
SB13 [which probably means I'll get an error], originally attempted to post at 13:51.
Edit: 13:58, surprise surprise, received a 502 after over 5 minutes trying. Let's try again...
14:13 - another 502...
14:19 - my local proxy gave up trying...
Ooh, ooh, can it really be working again?
Fifi
;o)
Ah, Pigeon Feeder! I feel a game of Wuthering Hillocks is called for. After all, with the 成人快手 not receiving the licence fee deal tthey were after, there's definitely a case for less expensive radio & TV programmes. Here's a few ideas to get started:
Only... Horses
From Here to East Finchley
The W12 8QT This Weekend
The Comic Book at Bedtime
The James Bond books:
Doctor No = First aid kit in the boot, maybe
Thunderball = Drizzle p*llock
Octopussy = Unipart
Grrrr, I've just been 502'd twice in a row on this one. Here's attempt no 3
Double grrrr it gave up on my third attepmt. Here's try #4
Has the healing begun, then? Lots of postings are going through just now. Can I come in?
"Armistice (tentatively) declared"
Today it was announced that the 成人快手 frog had been miraculously healed.
Prospective 成人快手 Chair (other prospective furniture is available) Eddie Mair said:
'Now look. You know I didn't cure it. I'm a technical idiot. I'm probably to blame for the bloggages though and I apologise. That's what I do.
'Let the healing begin.'
As this bulletin went to press, the storm troops were standing down and there was talk of a celebratory party on the Beach.
Hospital A&E units around the country were standing by for the inevitable casualties.
- ends -
Issued at 14.57 by Fifi ;o)
Eddie,
How did Scotland get on at rugby?
Tom (26) - we are a kindly nation and think the world of Mr Wilkinson. We thought we'd give the poor guy a break.
Eddie, is it within your powers as 成人快手 wardrobe to just get rid of ALL stupid people, not just their radios? It would only be for ethical reasons - just think of the impact it would have on climate change.
And I can't help but ask: Was the person who mixed you up with Sandi a Mancunian?
eddie (14). Will the Beeb then have a limo hire service as a side line. Obviously it would be a subscription service and not part of the licence fee.
You have centres across the country already. Leeds, Newcastle, Manchester etc.
Eddie: LOL! And just what colour rugby shirt will you be wearing tonight, as a matter of interest?
(Hope you weren't making remarks like that around Twickenham on Saturday, btw!)
Funny place Sri Lanka then, is it Jonnie? A resort called Linda and a hotel called Monica? :o)
Eddie - you post manfully re the rugby, you see before you a broken woman. Bad news from Twickenham and worse from East End Park....sob! I'm going to give up sport altogether and take up corssowrds (sp?)
So, Eddie's taxi service will be running nationwide, eh? They may well be the only ones you can get in Salford....
And how do you feel about that move, incidentally, Chairman Eddie? Doubtless you'll keep out of the firing line for rotten fruit.
The Fifi brow is slowly unfurrowing, and the Fifi hackles are relaxing again.
To whoever found the bloggage and fixed it, I send Fifelicitations.
You know who you are.
Welcome in, Gillian. You've picked a good day to join the party!
See you at the Beach later for the celebrations.....
Fifi
The Fifi brow is slowly unfurrowing, and the Fifi hackles are relaxing again.
To whoever found the bloggage and fixed it, I send Fifelicitations.
You know who you are.
Welcome in, Gillian. You've picked a good day to join the party!
See you at the Beach later for the celebrations.....
Fifi
FFred (23) -
Match of the Afternoon
Law Student John Deed
Masterchef Goes Microscopic
A new series from Ricky Gervais - The Stationery Cupboard
A Pint of Shandy and a Packet of Salt
John Simm stars in a gritty drama about policing in South Leicestershire: Life in Market Harborough
FFred (23) -
Match of the Afternoon
Law Student John Deed
Masterchef Goes Microscopic
A new series from Ricky Gervais - The Stationery Cupboard
A Pint of Shandy and a Packet of Salt
John Simm stars in a gritty drama about policing in South Leicestershire: Life in Market Harborough
The Fifi brow is slowly unfurrowing, and the Fifi hackles are relaxing again.
To whoever found the bloggage and fixed it, I send Fifelicitations.
You know who you are.
Welcome in, Gillian. You've picked a good day to join the party!
See you at the Beach later for the celebrations.....
Fifi
My thoughts are with all of you in the 成人快手 especially 成人快手 Radio Suffolk [with regard to the Avain Flu Outbreak]. Please let 成人快手 Look East, and 成人快手 Radio Suffolk know about this. Thank You.
Eddie's use of the phrase "stupid people" is a clear affront to the great god of political correctness. Every good teacher, for example, knows that there is no such thing. Some people are just a bit slower in comprehension than others. I would suggest the use of an alternative form of words such as "intellectually limited" or "finds difficulty with more ccomplicated ideas".
tomi
Are we sure about this Edddie/Sandi confusion?
After all, I've never heard them on the same show and we only have Eddie's word it was the 成人快手 Limo and not the Radio Car?
I realise that anyone who has read this far will have already forgotten the earlier Me and Mine selfish crabs comments but I would just like to open the programme up to insomniacs.
You and Yawns
Or is it already being done?
If PM were to be moved to a morning slot and renamed AM there would be less news to report on, so it could be cut to 30mins leaving Chairman Eddie more time to ru(i)n the 成人快手.
Sounds like your challenged Mancunian might be related to the lady I met in a shoe shop in New Hampshire, just a week after moving there from the UK. The conversation went something like this:
"Can I help you Ma'am?"
"I'm just looking at the moment, thank you"
"Wow, you're not from New Hampshire, are you?"
"No, I'm from England. We've just moved here."
"England? Wow..................what language do you guys speak there?"
"Well, actually, we speak ENGLISH!"
I must point out here that I loved New Hampshire and would happily return - even in the depths of its very cold winters. But I very nearly got the next flight home after that conversation.
Eddie - I think you should develop those sound-activated toys that sit next to your radio and dance. They should look like you and should only respond to your voice. We could all then have visual as well as aural entertainment between 5 and 6.....
I see the gremlins are not entirely busted. My unfurrowing brow took 3 attempts to send .. and then appeared 3 times!
Electric Dragon, looks like you suffered the same fate. Amusing eh? ;o)
Tony, I am hugely enjoying your selfish programming. I'm a total sucker for good wordplay!
[ reads that last sentence again carefully ... nope, it's not rude at all ]
Perky, welcome back!
See you on the Beach for non-meat chilli, ninety-nines (other teeth-rotting confections are available) and a singsong, everybody!
Fifi
A few suggestions for after the new dawn of Eddiedom.
1) No references in the weather forecast to events in the past. e.g. "Today, they had 2 inches of rain in Cumbria". This should be compiled into a new program called Weather Review and broadcast in the middle of the night where it won't annoy anyone.
2) Repeal the edict that says you have to do a silly program name and time check every 15 mins. "Yes, I know that it's 6:15 and I'm still listening to the news, I haven't been in a coma or anything since 6 o'clock"!
3) Compulsory lie-detector tests for government ministers during interviews. Preferably connected to a raspberry blowing machine - the bigger the whopper, the bigger the raspberry.
4) Poetry Please needs an edition featuring rugby songs.
5) The Today program should secularize "Thought for the day". I'm looking forward to "Did I leave the iron on?" and "Where have I seen that bloke before?".
6) Take the responsibility for running the PM Newsletter away from Network Rail or who ever runs it now and give it to the same folk who run that reliable Newsnight daily email.
So it's back to the Dundee rugby shirt this evening, Chairman Eddie.
As Paul Whitehouse would say: "Suits you"
Or, to economise even further, Eddie could reduce things thus:
World at a Half
The Three O'Clock News
Woman's Thirty Minutes
The Westminster Half Hour
and, least of all, Eddie could replace a long running soap with The Dartsmen.
Biog Sister: Big Sister with that little bit extra (as in Bionic Big Sister)
One thing that Eddie as 成人快手 deluxe sofa could do is to not only cut "Down the Line", but also the millions of trails that exist to promote just this one programme.
I reckon that anything criticism that appears in Feedback is taken by someone at the 成人快手 as "they're not understanding it; we must double our efforts and output". Hence why this has happened here. Eddie, pull the plug on this annoyance.
As the classic drame you can have
Pride and Precious Little Else
What on earth has happened to PM? It used to be a serious, informative programme, now it is just a shabby and trivial vehicle for a single ego, and a not particularly edifying one at that. (no pun intended).
Re: Blog Probs
Listening to the end of Chris Evans on Radio 2 he commented that he had no comments due to technical probs on his blog.
I haven't checked but we have to realise that it's a 成人快手 Blogwide problem and not blame Eddie.
But most of us know not to blame Eddie.
Eddie you have my vote. Erm do I get a vote? If not, why not?
Could you fix it so that Roberto could do "From our own Correspondent"?
Mary
Roberto (38)
That's such a cute idea - relying on local radio for updates on things like this. People like my mother listen to and rely on Radio Suffolk. They live their lives in disappointment. My Dad listens to Radio Suffolk - he also thinks that Jeremy Vine is "quite good". It's a wonder my sister and I turned out even halfway normal (Both BH and PM listeners!)
The function of local radio and TV in Suffolk is to tell you about things that happened a while ago and are no longer either relevant or important. I gave up traffic updates in favour of uninterrupted PM after I was told confidently that the A14 was running well. I'd been stuck for 45 minutes outside Bury.
If Sir Eric is made Chairman I want him to change Panorama so it has a decent presenter, bring back On The Record and get rid of "Down the Line." Also teach Fearne Cotton to enunciate clearly - a session with Corrie should sort that out.
Charles Hatton (45) Here Here & Ha Ha!
Sporty (52). Certainly it's not wise to blame Eddie for anything.
Now he's got all power-crazed & ambitious for the top job, he'd probably send someone round to sort you out.
Stand clear, the new Chairman is on his way.
How about, (as a policy) - "No trails for any programme during another programme" (unless the makers slip you a hefty bribe, of course).
Then there would be so much air time left to fill with real stuff! (Perhaps this is a problem? )News, interviews etc. And, lets face it, does anyone take much notice of the trails? Sometimes I think "That'd be good to hear" but it's entirely down to luck whether I remember or am able to catch said programme. Or am I just badly organised?
Charles Hatton - wonderful! It got better and better and nos 5 & 6 had me snorting with laughter!! Network Rail, ha ha ha ha ha....
Re: Ros Power,
Ros said :-
"What on earth has happened to PM? It used to be a serious, informative programme, now it is just a shabby and trivial vehicle for a single ego, and a not particularly edifying one at that. (no pun intended).
--------------------------------------------------
Yes appauling Isn't it Ros! So what should we do?
Write complaining letters to the board of 成人快手 Trustees?
Appoint a new Chairman withouit delay?
Suggest Paddy or Fifi stand in before all is lost ?
Please lets have some suggestions Ros.
Deepthought (49) Oh I agree - can't stand 'Down the line'.
They keep trying to tell us we should like it because 'it's made by the same blokes who did the Fast Show' - how long will it take them to realise that this does not automatically mean that it's even vaguely amusing?! Are they trying to make us feel guilty for not liking it?
Does anybody like it???!!!
Biog Sis,
re 47, The Dartsmen - LOL!
Big Sis & Appy
I know I'm going to regret asking this but please what is this about dartsmen?
Oh yes - just in time - small archers. Really glad I didn't post this!
Continuing with the cost-cutting reform programme, I hereby nominate the following:
A Good Comic
Comicclub
Comic at Bedtime
Comic of the Week
The Classic Comic
The Dartsmen Pushbike
Snackback
Crossing Counties, or, if there's a bit more in the budget, Crossing Countries. If the budget can't stretch to either, Crossing Roads
To counteract the cuts I've outlined, Eddie could liven up Radio 4 by replacing The Reunion with The Party and have an unedited late night version (The Orgy)
Now, now, Jonnie, you know our policy on feeding the trolls...
Fifi
I tried posting this at 9:30 but got locked in That Room again. Ah well, I'll try again.
Re 'Down the Line' - I really enjoyed the first two, and laughed out loud, but then the joke wore thin and now it's just irritating.
There was another ''phone''programme that I loved, but can't remember its name. A man with a lovely soothing voice made random calls to public phone boxes around the world, and had a chat with the passers-by who picked up the phone. The conversations were wacky, weird and sometimes poignant, but were all fascinating. The music played inbetween each call really enhanced the mood of the programme too.
Memo to Chairman Mair: re-commission this one please
Big Sis,
The Dartsmen Pushbike! Even better - LOL!
But I think you mean "Slightly miffed tendency to dribble when laughing or coughing" rather than "Crossing Counties" or similar...
That's a good one, Appy!