Paper Monitor
10:18 UK time, Wednesday, 7 July 2010
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor would go out tonight, but - like Morrissey - doesn't have a stitch to wear.
Not since a glance at the latest offerings from Fleet Street's style correspondents suggests Paper Monitor is completely out of step with the latest trends - whether we are talking men's or ladieswear.
In the Guardian, Jess Cartner-Morley solemnly informs us - citing no less an authority than designer Karl Lagerfeld - that the Little Black Dress "could finally be falling out of fashion".
And what will the western world's womenfolk dig out of the back of their wardrobes in its place? Ms Cartner-Morley looks for alternatives at Chanel's latest catwalk show:
Jackets with hems cropped at the waist and sleeves were worn over kneelength dresses. Those cocktail dresses which featured cutouts at the back, side or upper arms were veiled by ropes of pearls.
Surely it can't be long before ropes of pearls are veiling every female upper arm on Paper Monitor's local high street? That's as soon as Primark gets the memo from Ms Cartner-Morley, anyway.
The prognosis for fashion-conscious gentlemen is even more startling, given that the show's lone male model is pictured wearing biker boots, a tailcoat and a voluminous lion's head mask.
Thankfully, the Daily Telegraph looks for style leadership in more prosaic quarters - namely, the coalition government.
"Summer fashions livened up yesterday's weekly Cabinet meeting," an anonymous correspondent insists.
This point is illustrated with a photo of Conservative party chair Baroness Warsi in a (rather fetching) monochrome shalwar kameez and Desmond Swayne, parliamentary private secretary to the prime minister, sporting a Man from Delmonte-esque Panama hat.
Mr Swayne's look is, the Telegraph declaims, "dashing". Paper Monitor remains discombobulated. How do you get that to settle on a lion's head mask?
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