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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. There are leeches that like living in your nose.

2. British servicemen and women have had their own brand of tea since 1921.

3. Israeli lottery winners often wear masks to conceal their identity while accepting the prize.

4. The Turin Shroud is woven in a herringbone pattern.

5. Doctor Who regenerations were modelled on bad LSD trips.

6. Banknotes were first widely circulated in the Song Dynasty in 10th Century China.

7. In Cuba, barber shops and beauty salons are run by the state.

8. Motorists use excuses as imaginative as UFOs and "bad weather" to try and get out of parking fines.

9. Former Suede guitarist Bernard Butler used to pause Top of the Pops and stare at Johnny Marr's hands.

10. Sir Cliff Richard split up with his first serious girlfriend by letter.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Anita Bekker for this week's picture of 10 birds.

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Regarding today's quote, is lexical-gustatory synaesthesia perhaps a side-effect of drinking ink ?
Graham, Purmerend, Netherlands

I wonder if James Wannerton's neurological condition is caused by drinking ink?
Michael, Edinburgh, UK

What James Wannerton doesn't tell us is whether he loves or hates marmite.
Rob, London

I find it horribly ironic that on the day I have a half day, I get 7/7 on the and get the answer "skiver". Do I get some kind of achievement? Or just glares for being able to enjoy the sun/ash for the rest of the day?
Liam, Northampton

It was very thoughtful of the to wear their school ties so we knew which house they were in. All we need now is a green tie and we've got the complete Hogwarts set!
Phil, Oxford

"One single jaw, eight very large teeth and extremely small genitalia." Just could this story be about?
QJ, Stafford, UK

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was a couple who won Israel's biggest-ever lottery prize accepting their 74 million NIS (£13m) winnings. They wore masks to conceal their identity, with Lotto written in Hebrew on them.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Spraggy
"Are you sure these are necessary to protect us from the flying champagne corks?"

5. clint75
These days bankers have to take precautions when collecting their bonuses.

4. HaveGavel
Ned Kelly presents his pre-nuptual agreement

3. Formerlyfab
"And the "Welders of the Year" award goes to ...?"

2. Rogueslr
The Lone Ranger and Tonto could finally give up crime fighting and open that little restaurant they'd always dreamed of.

1. BeckySnow
"Was there nobody at the auditions who looked a bit more like Jennifer Beals?"

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Pictures of a giant ash cloud, satellite weather maps tracking its movement towards the UK, images of travel chaos, departures boards plastered with the words "cancelled"... and the root of the problem is none other than .

Put all these factors in the news blender, add a dash of Britain's first ever televised prime ministerial debates, and what do you get? A News Carnival Smoothie.

"Day the skies stood still" - the Daily Mirror, on its front page, alongside a picture of the plume of dust and a tearful woman in shock.

"Paralysed by the volcano" - says the Daily Mail, which inside dismisses the notion that this is a harmless piece of fun by telling us

"BRITAIN IS SHUT TO THE WORLD" says the Daily Express, which does little to lower the panic level by saying the "Volcano could cause air chaos for week".

"Ash Thursday: volcano empties Britain's skies" says the Indie, somewhat appearing to miss the point, surely.

And, finding a sweet spot between the two events, the Sun with "WE'RE ALL PARALYSED BY HOT AIR" above a picture of three gentlemen wearing suits and colourful ties.

And the fruity bit at the bottom of this News Carnival Smoothie comes, as it has a number of times this week, from the Sun's News In Briefs. What does Sam, 23, from Manchester make of it all?

"Sam said passengers cursing the volcanic ash should remember their planes were cancelled for safety reasons. She added: 'At least the Iceland volcano isn't as bad the Thera eruption in Crete 3,500 years ago. Historians believe it was responsible for three of the Ten Biblical Plagues of Egypt."

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"Marmite... pickled onions... ink" - Analysis of the first TV leaders' debate by James Wannerton, who experiences words as tastes.

Mr Wannerton has a neurological condition known as lexical-gustatory synaesthesia, which is when a person experiences words as tastes and textures. He said Gordon Brown's name tasted of Marmite, Nick Clegg's tasted of pickled onion and David Cameron's tasted of ink.
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The planes coming into land at Heathrow today have been skimming over the roof of office, which is just to the west of the airport, all morning. Since just after noon it has been ominously quiet - have I missed something?
Martin, Heathrow (normally High Wycombe), UK

Re: Icelandic volcanic ash alert grounds UK . Erm, surely all air traffic control history is in living memory?
Rob, London

Love the . BA pilots have a style and sange froid I've never found in any other carrier.
Ian Worthington

Given that the country in question owes UK PlC a lot of money is a case of "Ash for Cash"?

Adrian, London, UK

Everyone stuck because of the volcano should play some Scrabble - on a triple word score must be worth at least a million points.
Gareth, Christchurch, New Zealand

"Glastonbury organiser Michael Eavis said was ''." I hope they sober up in time for the festival.

Kat Gregg, Coventry

Re: Why do so many organ donors tick the opt-out box for ? I don't understand it - you're dead, so what do you need any body part for?
Kate Stamp

I have "except eyes" on my organ donor card. Doesn't matter that it's only the corneas, it's the bit I don't want to donate. I also don't want to be skinned but that is rather unlikely.
Kevin Symonds

Paul (Wednesday's Letters), No you weren't, I posted it on Facebook and bored my friends on MSN with my comical wit as soon as the story hit my screen. Personally I think it is aptly named.
Jo, Reading

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Any Sun readers feeling a bit queasy this morning? A bit disorientated, discombobulated, disjointed? It would be interested to know because of the cumulative effect of pages one, three and five.

Page One: "PAEDO HEAVEN ON OUR HIGH ST - Stores in new kids' bra row". Horrible stuff, better turn over.

Page Three: Oooh! Look! Breasts! And skimpy lacy knickers! Turn over quick.

Page Five: NOW TAKE THESE OFF THE SHELVES - 'Sexy' girl garments must end. Ugh...

Readers' emotions are being marshalled in the matter of split seconds from disgust to lust and back to disgust. No doubt there's a thesis to be written on all of this. But being a monitor of very little brain, that's a job for someone else.

One is instead further amused by the news commentary offered by the resident of page three, Danni, 23, from Coventry. You'll remember that yesterday Chloe, 22, from Leeds was citing George Bernard Shaw in her analysis of the Conservative manifesto. Today Danni says that she is excited by the breakthrough creating disease-free designer babies from three parents. "We can now separate problematic pronuclei form healthy mitochondria cells in the DNA of two women and a man. Always helps to have an extra woman on board."

Amused or offended? Curses, Sun, you are playing with us.

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Linda Shockey of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Pronunciation Unit.

A volcano has errupted under a glacier in the Eyjafjallajokull area of Iceland, causing a cloud of volcanic ash to spread which in turn has led to British airports being shut down.

Here is the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Pronunciation Unit's guide on how to saw the glacier's name. Eyjafjallajökull (or Eyafallajökull) is pronounced AY-uh-fyat-luh-YOE-kuutl (-uh) , that is -ay as in day, -fy as in few, -oe as in French coeur, -uu as in boot, the -tl as in atlas. The (-uh) is "a" as in ago.

Stressed syllables are in capital letters.

To download the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here

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"Oprah does not do stairs" - What Oprah Winfrey reportedly told an art gallery owner when he told her the paintings she wanted to look at were on a different floor.

Alleged details of the talk show host's visit to L'Enfant Gallery in Washington have been revealed in a new book by Kitty Kelley, published in the US. In it she says that Ms Winfrey reportedly refers to herself in the third person.
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Erm, not being picky but did we really need research for ? The Ancient Greeks were already using the salicylic acid found in willow leave infusions to cure migraines.
Joseph, London

Either Dan's maths (Tuesday's letters) is suspect, or he missed the fact that was published in November last year.
Mariam, Karachi, Pakistan

Surely I'm not the only one worried about adjectival abbreviation when talking about about Microsoft's phone ?
Paul Greggor, London

Russ - How could you have missed it? "" is also an all-noun headline!
Heather Simmons, Macomb, Michigan USA

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Here's a trick that your humble prospective Papermoniatory candidate has noticed in a couple of the papers - temporarily repatriating reporters to the constituencies where they grew up.

The exercise, however, comes with a health warning - only writers who were raised in gritty non-South East locations need apply, at least for those papers which always have one eye on keeping it real.

Yesterday saw the Independent's Paul Vallely for a piece which was as infused with reminiscences of back-to-back, two-ups and two-downs, as it was about today's current political climate.

Key sentence: "My Grandad had been a union man, down the steelworks, before he ended up in the local sanatorium with lung disease."

Today it's the turn of the Guardian's Simon Hattenstone, who of Gerrards Cross Salford.

Hattenstone, we quickly learn, was not despatched to be a chimney sweep in the local cotton factories. As a boy he "revelled in his middle-classness".

But worry not Guardian readers. There is proletarian blood in your man after all.

Key sentence: "Dad might have left school at 14 and sold clothes door to door..."

Paper Monitor is hoping for some further cross fertilisation of this strand. The Daily Telegraph's Celia Walden perhaps, returning to her Moss Side homestead.

And while the "qualities" are making great play of their down-to-earthness, the Sun's still hamming it up in their page three News in Briefs. Today's words of wisdom from Chloe, 22, from Leeds, who invokes George Bernard Shaw in her analysis of the Tory party's manifesto pledges.

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"There is a testosterone-fuelled anger in the best sportsmen" - Snooker player Steve Davis raises eyebrows.

To be fair to Davis, the fuller context of the quote shows him talking about how this anger is lost as sportsmen age. But still, when Davis was winning everything, was he in a rage?
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? Someone in Labour's a Doctor Who fan.
Pete Hazell

The death of music? No, not 1959, but much, much earlier - (Wikipedia) to be precise.
Raymond Hopkins, Kronoby, Finland

I would like to nominate "" for most forms of transport mentioned in one headline.
Russ Tarbox, London, UK

Phil (Monday's letters), is quite correct to say that "unhealthy weight" is not a specific enough substitute for "obesity". What we need is a new word that means the same as "obesity". How about "lardarcity"?
Adam, London, UK

Dan, Cambridge (Monday's letters), you caught me in the middle of doing a dynamics worksheet, and thus in exactly the right mood for some nice ordinary maths, not to mention a distraction. For the chances of passing the test by picking each question randomly to be 1/950, there would have to be 3.589 options for each question. Round that up to 4 and you get a 1 in 24,462 chance of getting it right by random guesses. Still gives a reasonable chance of success on the 950th go, but a lot less so. To make fluke even less likely by the 950th go, try 5 options, giving you a 1 in 1,9761,046 chance. Now I'm sure there's someone out there waiting to correct me on my maths- go for it, I have your coat ready and waiting.
Louise, Oxford

Ignore the statistics (though I did work it out to be about 1 in a billion), the poor woman must have been taking 3 tests a day if she was only on 775 in February. That's serious commitment.
Dan, Cambridge
PS. I didn't write that original letter, so I hope whoever it was will forgive me the stolen kudos.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Well, it's about time. The REALLY important election questions are starting to be asked - and not really answered - in the papers.

Things kick off on page 11 of the Times. It asks who has the Doctor's vote? That's Doctor Who in case you were wondering. And it's talking about almost every actor who has played him since the programme began. It ruminates, but never really comes to a conclusion, on most of them, kindly going right back to Tom Baker for us.

On to the next big question. What do a selection of female candidates from each of the three main parties look like in posh dresses. The answer? It's on page seven of the Daily Telegraph, but Paper Monitor will tell you - much like any other woman in a posh dress. To see for yourself click .

On the all important what-are-they-wearing theme, the Daily Mail asks: "" This is because candidates are - yes - wearing purple.

The Mirror keeps the level of rigorous questioning high, devoting an entire article to a question burning in Paper Monitor's mind. Is the drawing of the boy on his father's shoulders on the cover of Labour's newly-launched manifesto supposed to be a young Tony Blair? Yes, no? A coincidence, its says. Phew, glad that's sorted out.

It's not the only paper fixated on the cover. The Sun says it's a copy of two old Tory election posters, one used in 1910 and the other in 1931. The Telegraph claims it is reminiscent of a Labour poster from 1923. It also throws into the mix the fact that internet bloggers have compared it to Soviet-era Communist propaganda and the cover of George Orwell's book Animal Farm. The Express says it's inspired by Chinese Chairman Mao posters.

The Guardian juxtaposes it against the , to be launched today. It's navy blue and simply has "invitation to join the government of Britain" written on it. The paper says it's "socialist chic v austere hymn book".

What's inside them, you may ask. Well, the papers give that a bit of space. After the all important what-is-the-design-really-trying-to-say question is well and truly covered. No pun intended.

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"The parent is usually best placed to decide the most appropriate course of action" - letter from Manchester City Council to the parents of a 29-year-old man stopped for skateboarding in the city centre.

Council chiefs wrote to Tony Da Silva's parents asking them to talk to him about his "antisocial behaviour". "I laughed when I read it, but I was also quite annoyed," said Mr Da Silva, who has not lived at home for years. Manchester City Council said it made an "administrative error".

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Re: What does the science say about the ? I think science says "We ain't touching religious debate with a bargepole. Now, about my research grant?"
Andrew Oakley

At the risk of sounding like an irate Daily Mail reader (I'm purely a closet Daily Mail reader, for social research purposes you understand) - this story really is Political Correctness Gone Mad. We can't call obese people obese because it offends them? Unhealthy weight... well, being underweight is also an unhealthy weight. Obesity isn't an offensive word. It's a medical term!
Phil

Re: How to Say Kyrgyzstan. Wrongly, I'd wager.
Duncan Corps

Anyone else disappointed not to see a picture of cups and saucers walking down the street when clicking this link?
Sharon, Nailsea, UK

Not sure I believe that "our famous has been the beverage of choice for the British armed forces since 1921". Can't speak for the Army, but when I was in the Navy it was most certainly not the beverage of choice. That would be rum.
Adam, London, UK

Can someone do the maths to explain how many options per question there would need to be to be confident that isn't just fluke.
Dan, Cambridge

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's quiz time, pop-pickers. First question - on what day exactly did the music die?

Paper Monitor-a-wonders. It wah, wah, wah, wah wonders...

According to most pop music aficionados, it was 3 February, 1959 - the day Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and The Big Bopper were killed in a plane crash in Iowa, US.

The phrase was coined in the early 1970s Don McLean hit song American Pie.

But never one to run with the herd, the Daily Express ventures otherwise, suggesting Britain should have its own memorial day - 17 April.

The occasion to be marked is the death of American rocker Eddie Cochran, who perished on that day 50 years ago.

Musicologists will know that while Cochran hailed from the US, it was in the UK he found greatest fame.

carries some interesting nuggets of trivia that may be known to those steeped in the vagaries of early 60s pop, but were new to these ears.

Cochran, who was killed when in a car crash on the A4, was travelling with fellow pop star Gene Vincent (who, of course, survived). And the policeman who was first on the scene went on to become a pop star in his own right - the Dave in 60s pop quintet Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Titch.

But if it looks like the Express has presented a compelling case for Britain claiming UDI on the "day the music died", the article concludes on a more equivocal note.

"American rock and roll music in England may have died on that April day, but it was reborn in Liverpool with the Beatles, in Richmond with the Rolling Stones and with a host of other British artists from Led Zeppelin to the Clash - mostly thanks to Eddie."

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An occasional guide to the words and names in the news from Jo Kim of the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Pronunciation Unit.

The protests and violent clashes in Kyrgyzstan last week culminated in the ousting of the president and the formation of an interim government. Some of our recommended pronunciations for Kyrgyz place names and people's names relevant in the news are given below.

Our recommendation for the pronunciation of Kyrgyzstan is kur-gist-AAN (-ur as in fur, -i as in sit, -aa as in father, stressed syllables in upper case). This is the established anglicisation codified in British English dictionaries. Kyrgyz, the name of the ethnic group and language, is pronounced KUR-giz (-z as in zoo, established anglicisation).

For place names, it is Pronunciation Unit policy to base our recommendation on the local pronunciation; however, if there is an English form of the name (eg Munich) or an established anglicisation (eg Paris), we recommend this rather than the form in the native language.

It is important to point out that our recommendations are anglicised and not intended to strictly reflect native Kyrgyz pronunciation. Krygyz has sounds in the phoneme inventory which do not exist in English. For example, the original Kyrgyz pronunciation of Kyrgyzstan contains sounds which are unfamiliar and "foreign" to many native English speakers, such as the close back unrounded vowel and the voiced uvular fricative.

Monolingual English broadcasters are not expected to recognise, much less reproduce, this level of detail. In cases where an established anglicisation does not exist, the Pronunciation Unit has a standardised and systematic way of anglicising foreign languages. We consider a number of factors before making a recommendation: the phonetics and phonology of the relevant language, the opinions of native speakers on how they might expect it to be anglicised, the ease of pronunciation for our broadcasters and perception by the audience.

Note: stressed syllables are shown in upper case.

Talas - tuh-LASS (-uh as a in ago)
Bishkek (the capital of Kyrgyzstan ) - bish-KECK
Naryn (a provincial town) - nuh-RIN
Jalalabad (a province) - juh-laa-luh-BAAT (-aa as in father, -t as in top)
Manas (site of American airbase) - man-ASS
President Kurmanbek Bakiyev - koor-man-BECK back-EE-yeff (-f as in fit)
Roza Otubayeva - ROH-zuh ot-uun-BAA-yuh-vuh (-oh as in no, -uu as in book, -aa as in father)

To download the ³ÉÈË¿ìÊÖ Pronunciation Unit's guide to text spelling, click here.

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"Sexual athletes are tuppence a dozen - Fellini was a many-sided genius" - Germaine Greer reveals an affair with Italian director Federico Fellini.

There is so much wonderful detail in the veteran feminist's sudden revelation of her fling with the famous director. He turned up at her house unannounced, armed with a pair of brown pyjamas. He cooked himself a plain risotto with a single basil leaf. He was terrified of bats.

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