Paper Monitor
13:19 UK time, Thursday, 2 July 2009
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
To herald an article as "richly comic" is surely the kiss of death for any writer.
But the Daily Mail's subs know what they are doing. So when told to expect "a volley of excoriating (and richly comic) abuse" from star writer Jan Moir on - very counter-intuitive for the Mail - Paper Monitor decides to give her article the benefit of the doubt.
What will her laughter hit rate be? Will the speed of her service match that of SW19's biggest hitters?
Hold your sides in expectation of splitting, ladies and gentlemen.
"Last Wednesday... Maria Sharapova laid an ostrich egg on Centre Court while simultaneously treating the crowd to her impersonation of a constipated donkey."
Oh ho. Ho. Oh.
And Roger Federer (a tennis god, and very nice man to boot) in his courtside three-piece suit "looks like the senior purser on HMS Fruity".
Uh.
The strawberries "glow with a ruby self-importance quite unfitting their modest, poly-tunnel background". Andy Murray's mum "practises her gurning exercises". And as for when that ball girl stepped in for a few sets last week, "Oh I say! It makes headline news." Yes, the front page in your very own paper.
Comedy gold? Perhaps you beg to differ?
But she does score a palpable hit when detailing the players' entourages. "That's their mum, spooky girlfriend, yoga guy, fitness coach, toe masseuse, muscle man, hit the ball harder trainer and vegan nutritionist."
But enough. Paper Monitor is off to gorge strawberries and shout at the telly. Come on Tim!
The 
